my mom

Xenos · #1 (**permalink**) 10-26-2008, 12:47 AM

So my mom is depressed. By my speculation, she seems to WANT to be depressed, because I didn't give her a hug or a kiss. Now don't get me wrong. She touches me in uncomfortable places and wants it like every hour. So I start avoiding her, and walk fast because I'm uncomfortable with the situation, and that's what we're supposed to do right? But then she goes all depressed, tells me all these things like "I'm not her child". I never saw her smile since like last year, she tells me rude things and comments and don't care about my feelings at all when she says them. It's like she wants to drag me down and be miserable! And if I choose to fight back, she mocks my religion saying something like "Hey, I thought Mormons were supposed to love everyone and the whole world and God right?" in the most... angry-tempting tone I've ever heard. So every time I would come home from a stake dance, or somewhere fun, I come home to a pessimistic mom who finds some reason to complain and make me miserable.

Worst of all the Holy Spirit immediately leaves me and I rarely feel it in my house. I can never tell if I had sinned or not because I'm trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation and pessimism, but she's my MOM. "Honor thy mother and father right?" I'm so confused...

RainofGold · #2 (**permalink**) 10-26-2008, 02:10 AM

Hello Xenos,

I am a mom of a 17 year old daughter, who loves being hugged and cuddle. When you say she touches you in uncomfortable places, what do you mean by that? Have you told her how you feel? Or have you told your dad or aunt or anybody else?
And is your mom seen a psychiatrist or psychologist or taking medication?

So many questions I just want to understand the situation with your mom.
I doubt that she chooses to be depress, but I do believe that she wants to make you feel guilty for not letting her hug you.

I'm sorry that you have that kind of relationship with your mom, do you trust anyone at church that you can go and talk to? Maybe your bishop or young women president.

Xenos · #3 (**permalink**) 10-26-2008, 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RainofGold

Hello Xenos,

I am a mom of a 17 year old daughter, who loves being hugged and cuddle. When you say she touches you in uncomfortable places, what do you mean by that? Have you told her how you feel? Or have you told your dad or aunt or anybody else?
And is your mom seen a psychiatrist or psychologist or taking medication?

So many questions I just want to understand the situation with your mom.
I doubt that she chooses to be depress, but I do believe that she wants to make you feel guilty for not letting her hug you.

I'm sorry that you have that kind of relationship with your mom, do you trust anyone at church that you can go and talk to? Maybe your bishop or young women president.

Oh, I think I should clarify on touching in uncomfortable places. I mean she touches me on the private parts of my body, that makes me feel extremely awkward and defensive towards her. I've already tried to tell her how I felt, but she says that she's the mom and she has the right to do whatever she wants with me. (she technically can... that I know)

I don't know, you can go ahead and ask questions, but this will be hard for me to answer because I don't want to be mean and sound like a teen rebel wanting to get away from her mom. I do love her... it's simply very hard to bear her attitude.

I have told my former YW president once about it, and she said to be firmly quiet, and wait for the moment when my mom stops shouting, then say "ok mom" and leave. But she becomes very offended and the argument continues again and again. Other than that, I didn't tell anyone else.

You're very lucky Rain, I wish I was that teen who loves to be cuddled and loved...

Elgama · #4 (**permalink**) 10-26-2008, 12:03 PM

your in a very similar situation to the one I was in as a teen - have you had a blessing? ask someone at church for one it will help clarifying it for you, I would avoid mentioning church as much as possible and just try to stay calm and keep praying.

I would disagree with the fact that she has the right to touch you when and where she wants though - I would not take those liberties with my little ones if they object.

-Charley

pushka · #5 (**permalink**) 10-26-2008, 12:04 PM

Wow! Your mother is really taking advantage of her 'rights' as a mother to touch you as she pleases..she is wrong and she is abusing you. Others have suggested talking to another close family relative, and if you feel close enough to a relative to do so, I think I would, maybe they can put an adult perspective on the situation for you, and be able to mediate between you and your mother over this?

Is there another family member who you could live with, if the situation doesn't improve/gets any worse? I know you feel guilty over the honour your mother and father commandment, but she is not honouring her role as your mother and it is not a safe environment for you to be living in...she could potentially go to jail for what she is doing to you, does she realise this?

I want to be compassionate towards your mother, and I know that this post doesn't sound that way, but she needs help if she isn't already getting it..somebody else mentioned a psychiatrist, I think she needs either one of those or somebody specifically trained to deal with sexually abusive people..is there a child abuse helpline you can call, confidentially, who could give you more advice about services available to you in your area?

pam · #6 (**permalink**) 10-26-2008, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xenos

Oh, I think I should clarify on touching in uncomfortable places. I mean she touches me on the private parts of my body, that makes me feel extremely awkward and defensive towards her. I've already tried to tell her how I felt, but she says that she's the mom and she has the right to do whatever she wants with me. (she technically can... that I know)

I don't know, you can go ahead and ask questions, but this will be hard for me to answer because I don't want to be mean and sound like a teen rebel wanting to get away from her mom. I do love her... it's simply very hard to bear her attitude.

I have told my former YW president once about it, and she said to be firmly quiet, and wait for the moment when my mom stops shouting, then say "ok mom" and leave. But she becomes very offended and the argument continues again and again. Other than that, I didn't tell anyone else.

You're very lucky Rain, I wish I was that teen who loves to be cuddled and loved...

Actually no your mom does NOT have the right to touch you in any way she wants. If that's what she is telling you she is totally wrong. So you need to understand that. No adult whether they be your parent or not has a right to touch in you in places that make you uncomfortable. This is called child molestation.

RainofGold · #7 (**permalink**) 10-26-2008, 10:25 PM

Hello Xenos,

It's true, I am lucky because my daughter likes hugs and kisses. But I would never think of touching her in her privates.
I taught my daughter since she was a little girl that "no one", no one is allowed to touch for privates. Not dad, or mom or teachers or brothers. And if your mom is doing it to you and you feel uncomfortable you have all the right to feel like that. Don't let your mom make you feel guilty or that is normal to touch your privates because is not.

Please make sure you let someone know. If your yw president didn't do anything about it, than tell your bishop or some one else. I am worried about you, please feel free to come to us anytime you need some one to talk to and we will try our best to help you.

Take care Xenos,

Rain

Wingnut · #8 (**permalink**) 10-26-2008, 10:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xenos

Oh, I think I should clarify on touching in uncomfortable places. I mean she touches me on the private parts of my body, that makes me feel extremely awkward and defensive towards her. I've already tried to tell her how I felt, but she says that she's the mom and she has the right to do whatever she wants with me. (she technically can... that I know)

No she absolutely does NOT. That's called sexual abuse. Also child abuse. You need to discuss it with your doctor, a school counselor, the bishop, or a police officer.

Heavenguard · #9 (**permalink**) 10-26-2008, 11:05 PM

I completely agree with everyone here.

Calling your mom out on her actions is not a lack of love. She is trying to twist it around and make it seem as though you are unloving, but the truth is you are simply just coping. Getting your mom the help she needs is the proper way to love her, even if it means exposing her actions to others. Loving parents discipline their children so that they learn right and wrong. It's more difficult for children to discipline their parents, but it is also done out of love.

Just letting your mom yell and then responding "OK" and leaving settles nothing. I think the best way to settle arguments is to walk away from the situation - TEMPORARILY - and saying that you're just going to wait until everyone has cooled down, and then you can discuss it rationally and without all the immediate emotions. Then you can go, but get back to it later.

But FIRST, you will HAVE to get some help with the issue of your mom touching you in uncomfortable places. It feels uncomfortable because your body knows it's wrong.

mightynancy · #10 (**permalink**) 10-26-2008, 11:30 PM

Xenos, IMO the "honor thy father and mother" commandment is about bringing honor to your parents by your actions. I don't think it has anything to do with obeying your parents at all costs.

You've been given good advice above - I just don't want to you to feel like you're breaking a commandment if you stop letting your mother treat you badly.