How do I support my husband?

[Kyra]

I feel that as wives, it's up to us to say something when our husband's are doing things that would make them unworthy to hold the priesthood. Not in a derogatory or angry way of course, but lovingly. There have been times that my husband has come to me and told me that I'm not being the best wife and mother. It made me mad at first, but I thought about it and he was right. I think we need to do the same for them. In fact, just yesterday I told my husband for the first time in almost 7 years of marriage that he needed to shape up because he's not doing what he should be as a worthy priesthood holder. He argued with me and said that he wasn't doing anything bad, which he's not. But he's also not doing all the good that he should be, none of the basics. We talked about it for awhile and he promised me that he would start trying harder.

To me it's kind of like checks and balances. Husbands and wives should balance each other out, and when one of them is out of line or slacking in some way, the other needs to point it out and help them fix it. I feel like it's part of my responsilibity as a mother to do everything possible to help my husband out so that we have the priesthood in our home.

So obviously I don't think there's anything wrong with you having a conversation with your husband about this, just try to make it non-judgmental. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, I hope things get better for you.

[candyprpl]

Thanks all so much. We've only been married 3 years and we were sealed 2 years ago. I've known from the start that our upbrinings were very different and I would have to be understanding. He's a 'country boy' with a cowboy attitude (I say that with love -- my dad was too) and he has overcome a lot of his prejudices but sometimes it grates on my sensitivites. Like I said in my OP, most of the time I just let it pass and pray that the spirit will soon teach him differently.(

(Hemi -- he's second counselor in the Elder's Quorum).

I know I'm not perfect in my understandings and that we learn 'precept upon precept' but it still concerns me that he doesn't get some of the basic gospel.

I know I can't change his attitude, that I can only change mine -- that's the problem -- I don't know how to change my attitude. I can't accept his behavior sometimes because it goes against what the Savior teaches. I feel the Spirit withdraw and I don't like that. It's hard enough striving to always have the Spirit with you -- if you know what I mean.

I have wanted to talk to the Bishop but I don't want to march my husband into a meeting and start saying these things in front of him, it would seem like an attack and yet, I don't want to 'go behind his back' to meet with the Bishop.

My problems with whether or not he's worthy to hold the priesthood is not for me to decide -- I realize that and accept that -- but how do I change my attitude my feelings about that? It's the most awful feeling!! I can't stress that enough, how much I'm suffering with this. I love my husband and I love that he's active. I know there are probably many sisters who would love to have my problem because their husbands are either not active or not members. I'm sorry if I come off like a crybaby.

It's just hard, what more can I say.

[candyprpl]

Originally Posted by Hemidakota

Now, I will disagree on the point of knowing 'worthiness'. Women, you are a partner in that priesthood and can determine his worthiness via the Spirit. This is where the Spirit will share some insight to other partner on what is going on if she is listening.

I missed this post when I was reading. I'm not sure I understand your point. Are saying that I may be getting promptings about his worthiness? And if that's the case -- what do I do?

Kyra -- I was posting the same time you were. I do try to have non-judgemental conversations with him. I wait for the moment of anger to pass and then address the issue but it still doesn't seem to have much affect or still may turn into mud-slinging. He's a very proud man and I don't know how to let him know that the reason I bring things up is because I love him, not because I want to find fault with him.

I know the Lord brought us together. If I could set all of you down and tell my whole boring story you would see how I know this.

Oh, by the way everyone -- today's our anniversary. Interesting that I brought this up today.

[Fiannan]

Originally Posted by Wingnut

While this may be true, the opposite could also be true. The more you speak your mind, the more it grates on him, and the farther away he goes, instead of coming back to the middle.

Seek the guidance of the Spirit in discussing with him your feeling and concerns about his attitudes and language.

Absolutely correct.

The relationship described seems rather confrontational. It seems he may be overprovocative for whatever reason (highly histeronic perhaps) but so is the wife -- seems ready to pounce once something is said that she disagrees with.

Problem is, when the yelling begins (or the temptation to yell) the higher order areas of the brain shut down -- reasoning basically stops. You are in a neaurological fight or flight mode so the endorphine system is pumping adrenaline as well as seratonin and a bunch of other chemicals that put the body on alert. At this point the couple may as well be a couple of chimps fighting over a monkey both want to eat as far as true communication is concerned.

Both husband and wife need to seek God as well as seek better ways to communicate. Can a person be a good member of the Church and cheer when he or she reads about God nuking Sodom? Sure. Would hauling him in front of a bishop help? Might, or they both might wind up sharing their favorite gay jokes. There is no worthiness question dealing with his negative attitude towrds homosexuals unless is translates out to him intentionally hurting people -- come to think of it, it's like the issue of homosexual feelings (if not acted upon or lusted upon thre is no punishment for the person having them. However, maybe if you want him or her to think about his position ask how they would feel if a son or daughter became gay or would he help a stranded driver if he found out it was a lesbian. Get a conversation going.

At the same time my experience has been that the Relief Society is more apt to rip on members of the ward and spread gossip. I even knew one wife whose husband was in the bishopric who at least once listened through the wall as her husband was meeting with a man in her ward and then called the wife up and let her know what they were talking about. So it's not unusual for people to commit major sins like gossip but maybe ask the husband something that will allow him to find good qualities about the people he's jumping on. Don't just wait to jump his case.

One last thing, the sad part of such bickering is that due to the hormonal infusions into the body some people can eventually get addicted to fighting as much as getting addicted to caffeine. Be careful -- and that goes for any husband or wife out there.

[Elgama]

when you first dated him and married him what were the qualities you admired, does he still have them:?

I know when my husband went through his Rip Van Winkle phase (a severe depression when he took to his bed and his hair and beard grew and grew lol) - what kept me going was I knew underneath the hair was a kind, gentle, wise, wonderful father, and special man who I adored. When I focus on my husband's many amazing talents and qualities and treasure them his negatives seem a lot less of a problem to me, things I thought were huge problems become blips.

I also know nothing gives my husband the power to progress and grow in the gospel more than knowing he is loved and adored, and very much treasured by his wife and kids. We remember him in many ways during the day when he is gone - we send kisses to Daddy on work trucks, phone him at lunch time, make cards for him and in general talk about him.

My bestfriend today said over the past couple of years (we have been married 6) he has finally seen why I married Richard, and that he is lovely, and that he thought Richard was very lucky I had stuck by him when he struggled, but I don't see it that way I am very, blessed to have my husband and every difficult day was worth it

-Charley

[Iggy]

When you dated your husband, did he express his bigotry? In other words, has he always been this way?

In my personal opinion, you do not have to listen to his bigotry. Can you tell him that it is inappropriate and unacceptable to you. To please refrain while he is in your presence? Also- would it make a marked difference if he read what the 1st Presidency says about it? If so, get on lds.org; Gospel Library and hunt down all the talks and lessons regarding such.

I can pretty much tell who my husband has been working with, by the language he uses once he comes home from work, and the crude tasteless jokes.

Fortunately for me, I can look him straight in the face and tell him to clean his language up. Then I immediately ask him to pray and banish the adversary from our home.

You can do the praying to banish the adversary from your home- you have been given that power/gift at your confirmation when you received the gift of the Holy Ghost. Use it righteously.

Going to your Bishop regarding this is NOT going behind your husbands back. You have every right to council with your Bishop and to receive guidance from him. You also should go to your Bishopric and ask for blessings.

[Hemidakota]

Originally Posted by candyprpl

Thanks all so much. We've only been married 3 years and we were sealed 2 years ago. I've known from the start that our upbrinings were very different and I would have to be understanding. He's a 'country boy' with a cowboy attitude (I say that with love -- my dad was too) and he has overcome a lot of his prejudices but sometimes it grates on my sensitivites. Like I said in my OP, most of the time I just let it pass and pray that the spirit will soon teach him differently.(

(Hemi -- he's second counselor in the Elder's Quorum).

I know I'm not perfect in my understandings and that we learn 'precept upon precept' but it still concerns me that he doesn't get some of the basic gospel.

I know I can't change his attitude, that I can only change mine -- that's the problem -- I don't know how to change my attitude. I can't accept his behavior sometimes because it goes against what the Savior teaches. I feel the Spirit withdraw and I don't like that. It's hard enough striving to always have the Spirit with you -- if you know what I mean.

I have wanted to talk to the Bishop but I don't want to march my husband into a meeting and start saying these things in front of him, it would seem like an attack and yet, I don't want to 'go behind his back' to meet with the Bishop.

My problems with whether or not he's worthy to hold the priesthood is not for me to decide -- I realize that and accept that -- but how do I change my attitude my feelings about that? It's the most awful feeling!! I can't stress that enough, how much I'm suffering with this. I love my husband and I love that he's active. I know there are probably many sisters who would love to have my problem because their husbands are either not active or not members. I'm sorry if I come off like a crybaby.

It's just hard, what more can I say.

I glad for women like you. My wife does the same thing and constantly reminds me of that...I have a red personality in which I am slowly departing it out of my character. It comes from inheriting the same gene [using the same gender attraction issues ] from my father. People like my wife and a few here that keeps me in constant check. Thanks to them who do. I hate sin....I hate sin....I simply hate sin. I do pray he will come to an understanding of that phrase as I did.

[Hemidakota]

Originally Posted by candyprpl

I missed this post when I was reading. I'm not sure I understand your point. Are saying that I may be getting promptings about his worthiness? And if that's the case -- what do I do?

Oh, by the way everyone -- today's our anniversary. Interesting that I brought this up today.

Remember the phrase PRIEST & PRIESTESS? Both the man and the woman share the priesthood together. You have much right to that same discerning spirit as he does. You have the right to know if he is worthy of that priesthood and at times; need to be reminded of the D&C where it talks about using the priesthood in unworthiness.

I can see, you are already been prompted to tell him to stop this type of character behavior. Unfortunately, he is not listening.

Originally Posted by DeborahC

You cannot change other people.

But you CAN change your feelings and reactions to them.

Just consider that it could be your Ego that is the problem. You are embarrassed that he thinks and talks this way because you feel it is a reflection on you.

But it is not.
He has his own free will and is responsible for his own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

You are only responsible for yours.

So you have three choices.

You can change the situation - but you obviously cannot change him.
You can walk away - which would mean divorcing him, and I don't think you want that.
You can change yourself, and accept him - and pray for him - and pray for your own strength to accept and love him.

Do you doubt that God can work miracles?
Many Bishops came from such a place as your husband sits, I've read.

I had to say that this response goes along with my experience.
When I first got married, my husband was a smoker. And had a few other, shall we say, rough edges. I was fine with that. Then once we started getting active in the church, both of us but mind you on my prompting, I started feeling the way you have explained - that he was withholding blessings from our family by not living the word of wisdom.
Now that time has passed, I see how proud and judgemental I was - because my particular sins have proven much more deadly and destructive to our family than his ever did.
My plan for myself, as much as possible, is to do my best to love and forgive those around me (someone else said something to that effect - how does God see him?) and work on my own beams and motes.
My $0.02. I wish you the best.

[candyprpl]

Well DeborahC -- I kindly have to disagree a little about what you are saying.

I don't feel his behavior is a reflection on me.
queries,
When I talk about my concern for him, it's not for me, but for him. I love him and I know him. He has a very caring heart and is a very loving person and so when I see him go against this innate quality it saddens me. I'm looking for ways to support and bring out that quality. I'm not looking for ways to put him down. I think you heard the words I spoke in my OP but missed entirely my tone.

I know I didn't explain very well (because it would have been pages long) how much I appreciate his sweet heart, his hard work at keeping a roof over our head (in these hard times) his patience with me and his support in my callings and on and on and on. I do tell him these things too.

There is a difference between being judgemental for selfish purposes and being justly judgemental. I know I'm not perfect and I have many things to work on as well and if we love each other we should want to support each other in becoming our best. Like I said in a earlier post -- I know the outward appearance of this man I married is rough around the edges -- I appreciate that in him and I let a lot of things go by the wayside because they have nothing to do with who he is on the inside. But when things go against who he is on the inside, his true light of Christ dims, that's when I want to support him.

I do pray constantly that my heart/attitude will change and I will stop feeling like he's not worthy to hold the priesthood. That's a harsh judgement. If I go along with what Hemi said and I kind of feel like my concerns are legitimate -- what do I do. I will pray some more.

Just a little sidenote -- I did, for my own understanding, go to LDS.org and looked under the topic homosexuality to see what I could find. I found 2 beautiful quotes from Pres. Hinckley and a wonderful talk by Elder Holland (there were more but I stuck with those things to share). Last night when we were talking I told him that I wanted to know how the Church felt about this topic and would you like to hear what I found. He was receptive and He likes me to read to him, so I did. He didn't say much when I finished, but I could tell he listened. I left it with that. There was nothing in me that wanted to say, 'see I told you so.' That would have been wrong and the Spirit would not have been with me if I had come from that attitude.

Thanks everyone for your posts -- they have helped me think things out.