How do I support my husband?

[candyprpl]

Is it wrong for me to question my husband's worthiness to hold the priesthood? I'm hurting so much right now over my own thoughts. I don't ask him for blessings when I need them because I don't believe in his worthiness. How terrible is that!!!!!

He's always complaining about other people and their worthiness and it drives me crazy! The minute we get out of Church on Sundays he starts up with how, 'so and so did this or that', or so and so said...' If I try to say anything it just starts a fight -- so I remain quiet and fume while he rants. He's a truck driver and I hate it when he calls other drivers names like, jerk, idiot and a lot of times the B word.

The other night I couldn't hold my temper. We were watching the news and the subject of gay marriage, etc. came up and he said, "We should just get rid of those F (derogatory term for gay)." Now I know that he hasn't been a member for a long time and I try to give him some room when it comes to understanding the gospel, but.....he has been a member long enough and is in the Elder Quorum presidency as Second Counselor and should know by now that statements like that are appalling to say the least. I'm afraid I let him have it. "I said that they are our brothers and sisters and we should love them the same way we love each other." He replied, "They can't be members. They would be excomunicated if they were." I said, "They most certainly can and are members." He looked at me and said, "I hope not." I was shocked, I just look at him. I couldn't say anything more. He has shown bigotry in other forms as well.

It saddens me that he doesn't seem to grasp our Savior's teachings. I haven't been a member very long either but some things are very clear to me.

He gets very defensive when I bring up these concerns and we end up in a fight. Daily, almost hourly, I pray that his heart will be softened and that my words will not come out offensive.

What else can I do? How can I overcome my feelings/thoughts that he is unworthy? When I hear a sister say they are grateful for the priesthood in their home -- I get very sad because of my thoughts. I don't feel like I have the priesthood in my home.

[MrsHart]

First of all, ::HUGS::

I feel so angry for you as I read this post! Without regurgitating what you have said, I would just like to say that I understand where you're coming from. If I were you, I would not feel comfortable in asking him for his blessings either, since I know that deep in my heart, I wouldn't *feel* that he's worthy as well. Just my opinion, but that is not what I would want in a person who holds the priesthood, so I don't blame you at all. You shouldn't force yourself to overcome your feelings. I suppose that you can feel sorry for him and pray for him, but you are feeling how you feel because you are following the teaching properly; accepting HIS actions and opinions are the ones that are contrary to what we have been taught. Loving your husband does not mean that you have to accept his actions and beliefs at all.

Perhaps he will change for the better; perhaps he won't. The only way to support him is to be patient with him, and pray for him, since there really isn't much of an alternative here (and the alternative is frowned upon by many anyway). Have you brought him to talk to your bishop?

[Wingnut]

I'd be disgusted with his language and attitude whether he was a member of the Church or not, or a Priesthood holder or not.

It's not up to you to decide his worthiness. If you are concerned about it and feel that you cannot ask for a blessing from him or are not comfortable doing so, there are a few options.

(1) You could ask your home teacher(s) for a blessing. This creates a bit of a sticky situation, though, as they will wonder why you don't just ask your husband, whom they know is in the Eldre's Quorum Presidency.
(2) You can make an appointment to meet with your Bishop to discuss with him your concerns about your husband. Tell him about your efforts to already share your concerns with your husband, and if you are right in assuming he is unworthy. You Bishop can help guide you in what to do with regards to your husband.

Unfortunately, this sounds a little less like a behavior issue than an attitude issue. Attitude is harder to change.

[countrygirl66]

Originally Posted by candyprpl

Is it wrong for me to question my husband's worthiness to hold the priesthood? I'm hurting so much right now over my own thoughts. I don't ask him for blessings when I need them because I don't believe in his worthiness. How terrible is that!!!!!

He's always complaining about other people and their worthiness and it drives me crazy! The minute we get out of Church on Sundays he starts up with how, 'so and so did this or that', or so and so said...' If I try to say anything it just starts a fight -- so I remain quiet and fume while he rants. He's a truck driver and I hate it when he calls other drivers names like, jerk, idiot and a lot of times the B word.

The other night I couldn't hold my temper. We were watching the news and the subject of gay marriage, etc. came up and he said, "We should just get rid of those F (derogatory term for gay)." Now I know that he hasn't been a member for a long time and I try to give him some room when it comes to understanding the gospel, but.....he has been a member long enough and is in the Elder Quorum presidency as Second Counselor and should know by now that statements like that are appalling to say the least. I'm afraid I let him have it. "I said that they are our brothers and sisters and we should love them the same way we love each other." He replied, "They can't be members. They would be excomunicated if they were." I said, "They most certainly can and are members." He looked at me and said, "I hope not." I was shocked, I just look at him. I couldn't say anything more. He has shown bigotry in other forms as well.

It saddens me that he doesn't seem to grasp our Savior's teachings. I haven't been a member very long either but some things are very clear to me.

He gets very defensive when I bring up these concerns and we end up in a fight. Daily, almost hourly, I pray that his heart will be softened and that my words will not come out offensive.

What else can I do? How can I overcome my feelings/thoughts that he is unworthy? When I hear a sister say they are grateful for the priesthood in their home -- I get very sad because of my thoughts. I don't feel like I have the priesthood in my home.

I feel sad that you are struggling so much. My h and I have had our ups and downs. Here are a few things that helped me. During difficult times I have prayed to see my h the way heavenly father sees him. This also helps me to look at myself differently. Instead of seeing just his faults or stumblings I am able to see the areas where he really excells. (supporting us financially, being faithful and loyal to me, trying to stay on the path) Also (for me) fighting over prejudice or cuss words or driving (communications?) never solves anything or changes anything. Instead if I find a quiet moment to present my feelings in a way that he doesn't feel attacked it helps. I get really defensive if I feel attacked myself. ex - I shared an experience of my grandmother being treated poorly because she was a (white trash indian). I told him how sad I felt about it. Talked about the blessings promised her in the scriptures and asked him if he thought heavenly father would still bless her even though she was never into organized religion. It gave us a chance to talk about prejiduce. We still have many different opinions on things, (even sometimes the gospel practices). But I have seen him and me grow and progress over 23 years of marriage. I have realized that sometimes being worthy means that you are trying and learning. I think Heavenly Father knows us perfectly and what is in our hearts. I also find it helps to remind myself of the things I love about him and remember why I fell in love with him. Is he worthy? IDK It is something that is between him and the lord. (In my case my h has a fobia about giving blessings, so I get them few and far between). Does that make him a bad priesthood holder? no It means he is learning, just like me. Good luck I hope you find some peace.

[DeborahC]

You cannot change other people.

But you CAN change your feelings and reactions to them.

Just consider that it could be your Ego that is the problem. You are embarrassed that he thinks and talks this way because you feel it is a reflection on you.

But it is not.
He has his own free will and is responsible for his own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

You are only responsible for yours.

So you have three choices.

You can change the situation - but you obviously cannot change him.
You can walk away - which would mean divorcing him, and I don't think you want that.
You can change yourself, and accept him - and pray for him - and pray for your own strength to accept and love him.

Do you doubt that God can work miracles?
Many Bishops came from such a place as your husband sits, I've read.

[dinkidi]

I think a lot of people will understand where you are coming from. When I look around my ward and stake I see plenty of people who's understanding of the gospel is limited. The thing is that we all learn at different paces and some people may never fully grasp certain things. That is why we are all going to be judged individually according to our own standards. I have similar problems to you and when I spoke to the Stake President about it he recomended that I change my prayers to asking for help for me; to give me strength and guidance. When I did that I no longer had to keep bitting my tongue because I felt a reassuring spirit around me. I also did ask for blessings because doing that brought him in closer proximity to the spirit. I also made sure we did family scripture study and prayer each day. The important thing to remember is that we do not have the power to change anyone but Heavenly Father does. Be patient with your husband - he is coming to church and if you keep nagging him he might stop. He'll get there but it is just taking him longer.

[Misshalfway]

I think that there are two issues here on the table. One, worthiness to hold and use the priesthood, and Two, dislike of a persons attitudes.

Only a priesthood leader could determine someones worthiness. Priesthood holders are not perfect. And they aren't required to be. I think priesthood power and sensitivity to the spirit IS compromised with any less than righteous behavior or thinking. But, I guess I see that as an effectiveness issue rather than a worthiness one.

I think that we are all in process. Rough stones rolling, as it were. We all have that dang natural man to deal with. Sometimes our spouses can see our flaws and failings. And sometimes may be in a position to help us with them. I know with my own weakness, I do better when someone comes to me with kind suggestions or perhaps deeper searching questions about why I may feel or see the world the way I do. It is also helpful when they talk about the good they see in me as they nudge me to higher ground.

In this case, maybe you speaking your mind IS helping him even if he outwardly continues the argument. Perhaps over time, he will slowly make the changes you wish to see.

I know in my situation, it has been helpful for me to pray and ask Heavenly Father to lend me His mind on my H's weaknesses with regards to how I should be viewing them, and then with what role I might take in effecting change, if any. Sometimes, I learn that it is me that needs to learn something too. Which chaps a little on occasion.

If your H is imperfect but worthy, that is one thing. If your H is legitamately unworthy, that is something else. Having said that, I know what it is like to look at two priesthood holders and trust ones righteousness over another based upon the feel of their spirits and I have felt the difference in blessings given.

[Hemidakota]

Originally Posted by candyprpl

Is it wrong for me to question my husband's worthiness to hold the priesthood? I'm hurting so much right now over my own thoughts. I don't ask him for blessings when I need them because I don't believe in his worthiness. How terrible is that!!!!!

He's always complaining about other people and their worthiness and it drives me crazy! The minute we get out of Church on Sundays he starts up with how, 'so and so did this or that', or so and so said...' If I try to say anything it just starts a fight -- so I remain quiet and fume while he rants. He's a truck driver and I hate it when he calls other drivers names like, jerk, idiot and a lot of times the B word.

The other night I couldn't hold my temper. We were watching the news and the subject of gay marriage, etc. came up and he said, "We should just get rid of those F (derogatory term for gay)." Now I know that he hasn't been a member for a long time and I try to give him some room when it comes to understanding the gospel, but.....he has been a member long enough and is in the Elder Quorum presidency as Second Counselor and should know by now that statements like that are appalling to say the least. I'm afraid I let him have it. "I said that they are our brothers and sisters and we should love them the same way we love each other." He replied, "They can't be members. They would be excomunicated if they were." I said, "They most certainly can and are members." He looked at me and said, "I hope not." I was shocked, I just look at him. I couldn't say anything more. He has shown bigotry in other forms as well.

It saddens me that he doesn't seem to grasp our Savior's teachings. I haven't been a member very long either but some things are very clear to me.

He gets very defensive when I bring up these concerns and we end up in a fight. Daily, almost hourly, I pray that his heart will be softened and that my words will not come out offensive.

What else can I do? How can I overcome my feelings/thoughts that he is unworthy? When I hear a sister say they are grateful for the priesthood in their home -- I get very sad because of my thoughts. I don't feel like I have the priesthood in my home.

There is something wrong with him that he is not living up too. If I can be personal, what is his church calling? And yes! You are doing the right in asking GOD for help and I do expect your prayers will eventually be answered and foresee something will come to humble him.

Candy, we as men need something to complain about sometimes and usually it will pile up in our partner's lap.

[Hemidakota]

Now, I will disagree on the point of knowing 'worthiness'. Women, you are a partner in that priesthood and can determine his worthiness via the Spirit. This is where the Spirit will share some insight to other partner on what is going on if she is listening.

[Wingnut]

Originally Posted by Misshalfway

IIn this case, maybe you speaking your mind IS helping him even if he outwardly continues the argument. Perhaps over time, he will slowly make the changes you wish to see.

While this may be true, the opposite could also be true. The more you speak your mind, the more it grates on him, and the farther away he goes, instead of coming back to the middle.

Seek the guidance of the Spirit in discussing with him your feeling and concerns about his attitudes and language.