Need Advice To Save My Marriage

Do what you can first to heal the relationship. Counseling and what not. You have to know if he is the man you are to be with forever. You absolutely never know the Lord's plan for a person. Don't have children until you are in a better place. I don't necessarily think you should put off raising a family if you aren't sealed. I know a great many people in this world who have amazing families (in other religions). Just don't have them until the both of you are on the same wave length. Will he allow you to raise the kids LDS? Will he be supportive and go to their activities? Does he ever go to church w/ you when you ask him to go w/ you? Does he attend functions for you, simply because he loves you?

Do you have regular home teachers? Do you have men in the ward willing to fellowship your husband? Does your husband want to be LDS? He may not....there are things you need to find out and make your decision only after you have over-turned every stone to working this out. I still think people ought to take Civil marriages as importantly....because temple marriages mean squat if the people involved aren't respecting one another or keeping their covenants. The both of you still made promises and you did marry him outside of the temple first. If you wanted it so badly you would not have compromised. I know that may be hard to hear, but it is the truth.

You have to decide what is truly important to you and if after you've done all you can do, then I say get out honorably. The Lord will let you know if you should or should not remain married to this man. None of us can give you that answer. Do what you can do to get closer to the Lord now. YOu don't wait to go to the temple. You do what you need to do.

Men can change, but it has to be their idea and it takes time...for some longer than others.

[M.P.S.]

Originally posted by Faerie@Mar 12 2004, 07:54 PM
Question: Where you two sexually involved prior to marriage? Sounds like this guy just wanted to get laid!!

Here's my take, since I have had a civil marriage that turned into an eternal marriage:

DON'T HAVE KIDS UNTIL YOU'RE SEALED..you OWE your children that right! You didn't have to marry him, you could have said "I'm not marrying outside of the temple." Maybe you wanted to get laid too?

Sit down w/ him and let him know how important an eternal marriage is to you (if it is). Tell him that he should respect you more than just a "time only" marriage. If he doesn't want an eternal marriage, find someone who does. Eternity is more important than booze and sex.

Talk to your bishop, by yourself. Clearly there's more to this picture than meets the eye and maybe you have some things that need to be worked out. You have to decide how important this is to you.

And lastly: PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!

Best of luck!!! I look back on when my marriage was civil only and I pale.

I have to echo Faerie on this. I couldn't have said it better. I'm starting to like you more and more, Faerie

-M.P.S.
Advice For People Who Will Take Advice From Anyone

[Faerie]

Thanks kid!!

I can personally say that men DO change...When I met my DH he was a "nondenominational" person who never went to church and cared more about sex than anything else. When we got married I asked him if he would go to church with me, he said no because he was too busy and Sunday was a very precious day to him. I asked if he would read the BoM w/ me and he said no because if he was going to read ANY scripture it was ONLY going to be the Bible because it was the ONLY word of God.

Fast forward a year: Missionaries show up at our doorstep. He invites them in to be POLITE. He had ZERO interest in joining the church. His mind was in the gutter and so was his spirit. The missionaries kept coming back, and he slowly started reading.

Fast forward 8 mo: He FINALLY says yes to baptism and a week later was dunked!! He struggled at first, the committment was huge to him.

Fast forward another year: I finally convince him to go to the temple. He wanted to wait until our wedding anniversary, which would have been another 9 months away. I prayed and begged God to soften my DH's heart so that we could be sealed for all eternity. We went to our temple classes, we prayed together and on Dec 8 2001 we were sealed for all time eternity.

Fast forward to "NOW": We're feeding the missionaries tonight, afterwards DH will take them on Splits. He's the Asst. Ward clerk who religiously reads his scriptures every night and prays more than any man I've ever seen. He has the strongest testimony of the BoM. He has CHANGED and not because I was a nag and forced him to do it. He was truely converted and I thank God for that everyday.

So yeah, men DO change, but it seems only with extreme Heavenly help!! LOL!!

[lovinwork]

HI Working girl--

First of all, I would like to say that men do change. I was married civally before I went to the temple, and I was actually 36 weeks pregnant in the temple. We went through a lot in our first year of marriage, but it was wonderful because it brought us to where we are now. Were there ever times I wanted to get out of it? Of course, but that's the way of the world. I don't know your situation, but I do know that the Lord will direct your path. Yes, go to the bishop--don't do anything before you go to him. I know of many who have married with the intent of converting their spouse, for some it works, and for others it doesn't. The Lord works miracles in our lives, but it's always HIS will in the end. I recommend getting your marriage in line before bringing children in, they will either make things a lot worse or a lot better. And....they deserve the latter. Good luck!

[Helen Mar Kimball]

Families are forever!*


























*Unless your husband doesn't want to send 10% of his income to a multibillion dollar organization so they can buy a shopping mall. In that case, the door should not hit him on the You Know What on the way out.

[Faerie]

that lost post was unneccesary and pointless

[cedar]

They only put it there because they are an apostate.

[Faerie]

sounds like a personal problem to me

[working-girl]

I don't know how many of you that replied will see my answer to your advice. I can't believe people out there really care that don't know me. This has been such a struggle for me. Like I said when we first got married he went to church with me every Sunday (willinging-no objections-I didn't even ask) He would still have an occasional drink his buds but at least I thought we were making progress. We moved to a different ward (same town) and started to get even more active-I put my foot down and told him no more drinking and hanging out with his friends until late. It was fine to do stuff with them but it didn't have to always be after 10:00 pm. We took the temple prep class the first time while in this ward-we were planning on going to the temple in late October and ended up moving across the state in Sept. The ward where we moved was awful-my husband was working shift work with a pretty rough crowd and I hated going to church alone. He went in the beginning on his days off but then slowly quit going. I continued to go and was Relief Society secretary-then I started only going to Relief Society long enough to do my roles. My husband started having a beer or two with some of the guys he worked with on his way home from work-at this point I was just at a loss-then it was his 21st birtday and he thought that now just because he was legal it was ok-so he went to the bar and bought a case of beer-he drank most of it-but then 3-4 bottles just sat in my fridge and I threw them out-I did not want that kind of thing in my house. He was furious. Since then I have just told him he can make his own decisions-he's a big boy-if he wants to drink he can pay the price-whatever and whenever that might be. I began to just ignore the fact he had a drink every once in a while - (like 1 drink every few months) then we moved back home-to where all his old high school buddies were and it just went down hill from there. He'd tell me he was going to help one of his friends work on his motorcycle or something and he'd come home drunk (i'm not stupid-i'm sure they did work on something-but it was just an excuse to get together and drink) then during the summer I got very very sick-I couldn't get out of bed for 2 weeks. My husband would stay out until 2-3 in the morning drinking and partying with his friends. I couldn't do laundry or dishes or vacuum or pay bills or work or anything-all I could do was lay there sicker than a dog and wish I was dead. I 'd wake up in the middle of the night 1:00 a.m. and call my husband asking him if he was coming home. He'd tell me he'd be there in a minute and it would be like another 1-2 hours. I just didn't have the energy to hardly talk let alone put my foot down. My mom would come check on me and just freak out at the mess my house was (it's always spotless)but for that 2 weeks nothing got done. I couldn't eat and lost about 15 pounds and kept telling my husband I just wished I was dead. He didn't say much-he'd just leave with his friends. If I tell him I absolutely don't want him to drink he just lies to me about it, so I told him I wouldn't throw a fit if he drank and told me instead of hiding it and he couldn't drink and drive. If he's going to be stupid and drink the least I can do is make sure he doesn't drive. A bunch of friends went to the bar one night and I told my husband we could go with them. I was the designated driver-It sucked being around everyone that was drunk and your husband making a fool out of himself. After that everytime our friends called to go to the bar I would just say I wouldn't go. My husband went without me once and I'm still mad about that. We can't go 4-wheeling or camping or just out with his friends without beer-it's like they're in high school and again and the only way they can have fun is drunk-so I told my husband just last week that I will not have a summer like I had last year (spent being the only sober one everyweekend) It's not fun. He knows what's important to me and I've given him the choice more than once that he either needs to choose the lifestyle he wants or choose to have me for eternity-he can't have both. Almost 2 years ago we had a huge fight about it on our anniversarry and I told him that if he hadn't made a solid decision to change his life by the time our 5th anniversary rolled around, I would leave and I will keep that promise. I think 5 years is more than enough for him to decide whats important to him. Right now he says it's too hard of a decision and he just doesn't know what he wants-in my eyes that's not a decision. If beer and friends mean more to him than having an eternal family then I deserve someone who wants the same thing as I do.
We dated for 1 1/2 years before we were married. We were intimate once (only once)-about 6 months before we got married and nothing even close to that happened again. You're right when you told me if I really wanted it I would have stood up to him and said I wouldn't marry outside the temple-I did tell him that and thats when he gave me the line that, that is also what he wanted and we would go through after we were married 1 year. I wasn't very strong or knowledgable then-I was barely 18 years old. Now looking back on it, I know it was a huge mistake and If I had it to do over again I know I could stand up to him and stand for what I believe. I haven't been to church for 6 months. I get ready to go every Sunday but I just can't do it-I know it's Satan stopping me but I just don't have the strength to face the church alone. I don't want a one person family-I want an eternal family-there is a bond that goes with temple marriage that you cannot get anyother way--a closeness.Everyone in the ward asks me where my husband is-my relatives are in our ward and they judge me for not going through the temple and I just feel like I don't belong. I can't teach even primary because I feel like a hipocrit teaching these little kids about forever families and then they ask me what temple I got married in-that is just crushing to the soul.
My parents weren't married in the temple-they were married for 35 years before they were sealed. The began the temple process just after my now husband and I had had sex-It was just before our wedding when my parents sprung it on me-my twin brother and I were finally going to be sealed to my parents for all eternity. I talked to my bishop and he told me that since it had only been 6 months since I had sinned I couldn't be sealed to my family. My parents didn't end up going through that year and my husband and I got married civially. A year later before my brother left for his mission my parents and brother went through the temple. I didn't even go down with them. I couldn't; do you have any idea what it's like to have your twin brother and parents sealed-while you're left out in the cold. I had been so good my whole life and always done things the way I should. I made one mistake, repented and didn't even come close to anything like it and I couldn't be sealed to my family. It hurts every day to know my husband is sealed to his family and all of my family is sealed together except for me. I'm left out in the cold all alone. My husband knows what I want-but he says if it's so important to me then why don't I go to church and why don't I go to homemaking-while i'm married to him I don't see the point-not if he's not going to meet me with the same goal. I know, I know, I should be worrying about myself and going for myself but it's hard when everyone else there has a family or is there with their spouse-sharing the gospel and I can't even talk to my husband about any church related topics because it embarrasses me.
We do have regular home teachers-He is awesome and my husband loves him but as many good people and family as we have in the ward noone has ever invited us to church-the bishop has never even talked to us in 6 months. That doesn't help the situation.
I know this is alot of information but I so appreciate everyones advice-even if some of it does hurt. I'm glad for the fact we don't have kids yet-even though i'm getting to the point I would like them-we're going on 4 years of marriage.
My husband tried to divorce me a year ago right before I got sick and then we decided to try and work things out-he said he wanted to get divorced because I was always unhappy -hello wouldn't everyone be unhappy in this situation-without your religion you have nothing/there is nothing. Then I got sick and so now he says he stayed with me because I was so sick and he just couldn't leave me like that-bull!! He sure wasn't much support. He asks me all the time if I want to get divorced, I say no, but the more he asks the more I think I should have signed those papers and ran. He says he'd worry about me too much if we got divorced-he doesn't think I could take care of myself. I'm not a charity-I can take care of myself. I have prayed alot-still don't know what to do.
My twin brother went on a mission and had to return because of depression-he's now almost an alcoholic and hates the church. He doesn't wear his garmets anymore or have anything to do with the church. He won't say what the deal it.
Thanks again for listening and giving me your input.

[broadway]

Originally posted by cedar@Feb 10 2004, 12:29 PM
Well it is a civil marriage. So it is a lot easier to get out of than an eternal marriage. Lose him. Good thing you don't have kids yet.

PS- I am very insensitive.

What in the HECK are you talking about????

Your advice to her is to divorce him???

I hope she doesn't take you seriously.

The church is full of members who converted after several years of happy marriage. Please, working girl, do not take this person's advice. I would say talk to your bishop. Your bishop will have very relevant wisdom for you. Also, read your patriarcal blessing. Sometimes this goes to help encourage us. If you do not have one, get one. It is invaluable.

broadway