Need Advice To Save My Marriage

[working-girl]

Well to give you some more information. I need to tell you that my husband and I do not have a very open relationship as far as pouring out our hearts and souls. My family was never the type to discuss their feelings and I have never been able to either except in writing. I cannot verbally express how I feel to someone. I feel stupid and embarrassed and like everything I worry about is petty and unimportant. We fight about this communication thing alot. But the times I have opened up to him and expressed my need for the gospel in my life and wanting a family that is sealed together forever, he just gets mad at me and says I'm trying to force him to change. That's one reason I don't bring it up. We have had this discussion probably 2 times before we were married and 6 times since we've been married and everytime I talk about I end up crying and he gets mad at me for crying about it. Once I did tell him he had to choose between being with me forever and his friends and drinking. He told me he couldn't choose. That answer to me was that his friends and drinking are just as important to him as I am. I told him if that's how he felt then I was going to leave. He said that he didn't want to lose me and so he would change for me but he didn't want to. We had a fight about that. I think it would be worse to be sealed to him knowing he didn't want it or believe it and only did it so he wouldn't lose me. It makes me feel worthless that stupid things like that are more important to him than me. I would give up everthing to be sealed to the person I love. I know I shouldn't think like this, but after 4 years of being alone emotionally it's hard not to. I often wonder about the men out there in the world that would love me enough to want to be with me forever, not just here on earth, but forever. It almost makes me cry to think about the life I could have with a spouse that went to church with me every Sunday, that held the priesthood and could give me blessings. Nothing has hurt as bad as when I was very sick a year ago and didn't have a husband to give me a blessing. I had to call my boss and one of his friends to come to my house and give me a blessing. I can't imagine having that kind of power in my home and hat security knowing my husband is strong in the church and will raise our children right. Even if my husband decided to change I don't know if we would ever have the life I want. For him to change he would have to give up all of his friends, and then he would hate me for that. I can't imagine having my children around his friends or his friends kids, and being exposed to the smoking, drinking, and language. I won't bring children into this world if that's what they will have to look forward to. I want a husband that wants to spend time at home with me and w/ our kids when we have them, that is sweet and sensitive and that I can lean on for support, rather than me being the support beam. I handle all the bills, financial things, paperwork, house duties, work full time, teach primary. When I get home from work and errands and start cleaning the house or paying bills or putting together a lesson he usually just sits on the couch and watched tv. I can't imagine not having to worry about everying by myself all the time.

I think you've all ready answered your own questions with this post, working girl....

However, Christ taught that a man should love his wife as he loves the church. If he loves you, he'd be willing to drop his friends in a heart beat. YOU and God should be the most important things to him.

I can understand how you feel, as my hubby is still new in the church. Been a member one year 18 months longer than we've been married. He's still baby stepping the priesthood and I don't always get blessings from him, because he is very honest w/ me about not feeling adequate and the like. He's given me probably three blessings in our six years of marriage. I tell him when I want one....and normally it will go into the 'why' and then he helps me work out the problem w/ out getting one. I usually have to explain to him, it's less about the blessing, rather than feeling the emotional support from Father, for me.

He's good in that he gives me free reign of the gospel teaching...but the more I go on...the more I want him involved and so I've learned to baby-step him in the process. I don't get all whiny anymore when he won't read the scriptures out loud, when he'll physically JOIN the family when I want to do it. He's just not comfy reading scriptures allowed and likes the way I read. He says he can tell I was a musical theatre major, because of the way I read to the family. He prays w/ us...but he rarely prays aloud...probably at every holiday and that's about it. However, I KNOW he says his personal prayers, becuase he'll open up from time to time about it. He also impresses upon our children to say their personal prayers and to be reverent during family prayer.

I don't know what to say to you...I think you've answered your own questions and have the right to get what you need from a relationship. Maybe you needed to go through this marriage to solitfy the things you desire and wanted. Maybe it finally solitified your testimony of an obedient and Christ-like family. Only you have to make the difficult choice to stay or go...neither will be easy. THANK heaven you don't have any children....it will make the break easier, if that is what you utimately decide.

My prayers are with you.....

[Jenda]

My prayers are with you, also, working girl.

[Ray]

working-girl,
At this point I will only say that, based on what you said in your previous posts, I believe you have already poured out your heart and soul to your husband so that he is aware of how you feel and what you really want out of life. I do recommend that you do it again, though, to the point where YOU know that you have done everything you can do to let your husband know how you feel, and to the point that your decision to leave your husband will not come as any kind of surprise to him.

I would also like you to understand that the act of pouring out your heart and soul to someone doesn’t require an ability to speak without sobbing, or to say things any better than you know how to say them, but you should express yourself as clearly and as lovingly as you know how, to the point where you no longer feel that there is anything you can do or say to make things better. At that point everything will be out in the open, to the point that both you and your husband will clearly have a decision to make about what you want and are willing to do. And then at that point, if your husband continues to be unwilling to change, you will then be faced with a decision to stay with him, knowing that he is not willing to change, hoping that someday he might change, OR you will be ready to leave him, knowing that there is nothing more you can do.

And btw, if you do see that your husband is not willing to change, and you do decide to leave him, I recommend that you wait a while before trying to get involved in another relationship. This should be something that goes without saying, but some people seem to go from one relationship to another without much time for grieving. Not only will this time benefit you, but it will also give your husband some time to see how life is without you and then possibly decide that changing his behavior would be in his best interest.

I will continue to pray that your husband will clearly see the choices that are available to him and that he will be inspired to know that being unselfish and loving of a good wife will make him happier than he knows how to be on his own or with his friends. I know that God will not change your husband if he doesn’t want to change, but I also know that God can help him to clearly see his present situation and a glimpse of the joy that awaits him if he makes the right choice.