When to stay or go

[anatess]

Ayayay...

Here's my 2 cents. You may not like what I'm gonna say, but hey, it's just my opinion, okay?

When I was a teenager, I have this dream guy in my head. He has to be 6 inches taller than me so I can wear heels, he has to be 2 years older than me so he is mature, he has to like the opera, be Catholic, be very intelligent, be a doctor or a lawyer, or an engineer, romantic, understanding, etc. etc. etc...

Guess who I married - 14 inches taller than me, 6 years younger than me, out-of-work runway model, without a college degree, never been to an opera, LDS, not a single romantic bone in his body...

We are almost the other person's opposite - what he likes, I don't like, and vice versa. When we fight, we go all out because we're both the stubborn pig-headed type. So, my family and his family still couldn't figure out why in the world we got married and how we lasted 12 years in this marriage. The way it's looking, we're probably gonna be changing each other's Depends.

So, how does this tie back into the OP? Well, the reason why it works is not because we don't have issues. The reason is because we are both committed to a solution! We both have utmost respect for each other, unshakeable trust, and do not have divorce in our vocabulary. Sometimes it is hard and we end up thinking it couldn't possibly get solved, but hey, we always find a way.

The way you are describing your relationship, it is only 5% of the problems in my relationship, that is, 5% of the problems that are going to come at you when you're married. And the way you are talking about your communication issues, you are talking like he is the one with the problem. Thinking this way, it will never work between you... or anybody else for that matter. Because, even if you leave this one guy and go with another, that other guy will have his own issues too. There's no PERFECT PERSON for you. YOU are what makes it perfect. So, instead of saying - he's this and that and don't this and that - you need to think, hmm... this is his communication style, how do I adjust my own communication style so we can progress past the problem? If he's not worth the effort, then go find the guy who is. The trick is, he has to be as committed to this relationship as you are. He might be very committed to it, he just doesn't know how to talk to you, because he might think you're the one with the issues! See, this way, you'll never be able to see eye-to-eye. And guess what, it would be the same with any other guy.

One thing I love about that movie, The Notebook, is what the guy said towards the end of the movie...

Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a b and I tell you when you are a pain in the a. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-a thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

That is sooo my husband and I... we work hard at this marriage - we've gotten to the point where I can kinda see when our fighting dance is starting, and we've both learned to change our dance steps so we don't cycle back to the old endless arguments! But that didn't happen on the first week, or the first year even... that took a lot of "getting to really know what makes you tick" time. I look 50 years from now, or even beyond the veil, and all I see is him and me.

If this guy is not the guy you can do this with, then find the guy who is.

[Heavenguard]

Originally Posted by applepansy

Actually I'm surprised anyone would defend this behavior as you do in your second post.

Actually, I wasn't trying to defend him. It would have been a defense to the point where he actually felt like I was attacking him, and so acted that way. However, it was an example of how he was making me angry, because I'd already prior explained to him that it wasn't attacking him (but trying to bring up the point so we can discuss it), but he kept acting like I was attacking him.

In any case, thanks for your responses, you guys.

We had yet another argument about the same stuff. But this time he actually told me how he feels about things, rather than just trying to turn things around and blame me. So I took that and said I can own up to my actions and how they make him feel, and work on that, but said that he also needs to own up to his actions, to which he agreed. I honestly don't know if he will actually do that, but I'm going to take him finally communicating in a real way as a positive sign, at least in terms of actual willingness.

I did, however, also follow up by saying that I still need time away from him, and that the relationship itself is in a very precarious place. We both agreed that if things don't get better, it'll be done, because this has been stressful for both of us. So basically this is the last chance - at least on the matter that I feel like he doesn't listen to or respect me when I try to bring up issues.

Personally, I believe that a couple can work through anything, as anatess has shown. But I also know that both people need to be willing and committed to actually working through things. I know it's supposed to be a two-way street, both people have to be willing to make extra efforts as well as concessions.

[applepansy]

Each person has to give 100%...successful marriage isn't 50/50.

I agree with Anatess' approach after you're married.

President Kimball said that before marriage keep your eyes wide open, and after marriage keep them half shut. Good advice!!!

Good Luck,

[Heavenguard]

Well, my no-longer gentleman friend made the decision, so I didn't have to. He just said he didn't want to work on it anymore. So. That's pretty non-negotiable.

I didn't particularly feel the need to update, however, I did want to thank you guys for sharing and support. It seems like it was more than I got from him. Thanks, I really mean it.

[Seanette]

Sounds like you can (and very likely will) do MUCH better than this bozo.