When to stay or go

[Heavenguard]

I've been with my gentleman friend for about 3.5 months. (We got to know each other for 1.5 months prior to that.) I started dating him not only because I liked him, but because I could see a potential future with him (ie getting married, settle down, have kids). About 2 months into dating, he went away for a week, came back for a few days, then went away for a month again, and a lot of problems surfaced during that time that possibly otherwise could have taken months or years to come out.

Because of those problems (and probably also because we did not have a strong foundation to anchor us), I no longer believe in or see that future. We talked about our problems, and said we'd try to work on it, but I've ended up believing in everything even less now. The things he said he'd do to help fix things (from his end, I had a part too), he's failed to do when time came.

I want to end it, things being as they are - I don't want to waste his or my time, and I don't want to expend more emotions into it (and worse, I have negative ones as a result of it). On the other hand I feel like I should give it and him a chance.

Any thoughts, ideas, anecdotes to share about when one should keep on trucking, or how to recognize when to throw in the towel?

[applepansy]

You're not specific about the problems. If you have lost trust in him I would suggest moving on.

Trust is fragile and very hard to recover. If you decide to continue with the realtionship, most definitely do not marry him until you do trust him completely. I'd also say that goes both ways. He needs to be able to trust you completely too.

Without a foundation a house cannot withstand the storms...without a good foundation of trust and respect a marriage cannot survive the storms of life.

applepansy

[pam]

You've stated enough doubts in your OP that I think perhaps you have answered your own question.

[jadams_4040]

Originally Posted by applepansy

You're not specific about the problems. If you have lost trust in him I would suggest moving on.

Trust is fragile and very hard to recover. If you decide to continue with the realtionship, most definitely do not marry him until you do trust him completely. I'd also say that goes both ways. He needs to be able to trust you completely too.

Without a foundation a house cannot withstand the storms...without a good foundation of trust and respect a marriage cannot survive the storms of life.

applepansy

I totally agree with the trust scenario, After one horrible divorce many years ago that involved heartbroken kids; I never in a million years would have married my second wife if for even one second I could not trust; it is the basic foundation before even love can be sustained; two people absolutely must have complete trust in one another.

[Heavenguard]

Well, I suppose it sounds super-negative, but when one recounts problems, the good items are not spelled out.

He's usually very gentle and sweet. He gets me thoughtful gifts, calls me often, picks me up from work when it rains, that sort of thing. But when I try to talk about negative feelings that have to do with him (not accusing or blaming him, but bringing it up so we can discuss/fix it), he gets upset and defensive, which makes the negative feelings worse. If I was feeling insecure, his reaction confirms it. If I was feeling angry, he infuriates me. If I feel lonely, I feel like I'm being pushed away. Instead of listening to what I have to say, he gets defensive. And I can understand that nobody likes feeling attacked, but I've told him that my point is not to attack him, but that I want him to understand what's wrong, and how we can avoid unhappy situations again in the future. However, the next time, he gets defensive again, which furthers this feeling of him not listening to me...

The reason I'm unsure is because the relationship has been short, and his going away was a real wild card (unexpected for both of us), so I can't discern if it will just always be like this, or if this is just a "rough patch" to stick out till he learns his way to interact and communicate in this sort of relationship.

[applepansy]

He's showing you how he will problem solve in the future. People do not change with time. They only change when they see a need (benefit to themselves) to change. You cannot change him. The truth about people is the "the older they get the more like themselves they become."

If I was in your situation (as you've described it), I would walk away and start over with someone who understands how to problem solve as a team.

Longer relationships or finance' or marriage do not make problems magically go away. Just the opposite...sometimes it seems that closer relationships, especially marriage, magnifiesproblems. I suggest you find someone who can work with you as a team now or you'll end up with more of the negative reactions down the road.

Actually I'm surprised anyone would defend this behavior as you do in your second post. Its a deal breaker for me.

[Elgama]

have to say though some of his reactions are very male if I try to talk to Richard he feels got at

-Charley

[FlaviusHambonius]

Trust yout senses--if your hearts not in it--let it go--especially after just a few months of time invested.
His getting defensive about things you want to discuss is definitley not a good sign.

[Still_Small_Voice]

I would pray about this subject. Ask Heavenly Father to speak to you thru the scriptures regarding this subject and open the scriptures and start studying.

[pam]

No disrespect meant by this..but when I first read the title of this thread..the first thing that came to mind was the song by The Clash. "Should I stay or should I go?"