Family problems - kinda touchy subject

[dazed-and-confused]

Brendan, I have read lots of good feedback here given by concerned friends.........i want to ask about different feelings.............your feelings..........you said that you discovered this when you were 15......that is already an awkward age......i would imagine that, looking back, you can remember all kinds of thoughts and feelings going through your head.......and i wont mention any because i dont want to "lead the witness", so to speak.........but i believe that it would do you a lot of good to get some councilling about these feelings for yourself......it may even help repair your relationship with your father and/or help you approach this situation in a way that will be better for all parties involved.......clearly you have some anger.....and thats as far as i will offer my interpretation of your feelings........you want to help your father?.......and not simply humiliate him?........get some councilling for yourself on ways to be of help to him.

[talisyn]

Wow Brendan753, I'm sorry.I feel for you and your family. My family has a member who has this problem too. We found out because the computer would 'mysteriously' get computer viruses that for a while the pc expert in the family would fix because she believed they were accidental (the first 25 times)....until she said no more and kept talking about how totally insulting it is to be asked to fix the pc stds from the sites her husband looked at. At the beginning he would be all innocent and then defensive and then argumentative, but now he has come to accept that he has a problem and is trying to overcome it

Your mom must be on board with you in order for this to stop and your dad gets help. Until she is I don't see what you can do except keep the kids away. It may be that your mom will miss the grandkids enough to do something outside of her comfort zone. Pray and fast for her and your dad. Have you talked to your sister about this problem? May be she can share with your mom some things she's observed that will help.

[ryanh]

Originally Posted by Misshalfway

I don't think you are quite pickin up what I am laying down.

Wouldn't be the first time, probably not the last either. Sorry.

Originally Posted by Misshalfway

Codependent? That is an interesting take.

No! Not you! The mother/wife is acting codependent with her denial and enabling IMO. I see that I wasn't laying down in a way that would be picked up correctly. Sorry again

[skippy740]

Your job isn't to fix your parents. Your job is to protect your family. Your wife, your kids AND yourself. THEY are your primary responsibility, not your parents.

I think you feel bad because you "let your guard down" and brought your family into this situation. Now, you want to 'overfix' the problem and let him know that "he can't get away with this anymore".

The fact is that your father isn't HONORING his priesthood. One can commit sins and hide them and still "hold the priesthood". They just won't be USING the priesthood honorably. They won't be entering the temple WORTHILY.

I'm not sure that "tattling" to the Bishop will help anything. It may increase resentment between you and your father. Also, (and this is known to happen at times) that the Bishop may believe him over you - depending on the relationship. Just throwing it out there.

BTW, that was a really WEAK lie that your father told you (Bishop asked him to develop software, etc.). Obviously the porn is affecting his imagination to be creative to tell a more convincing lie.

[Misshalfway]

If this man is indeed a sexual predator, then these scouts do need to be protected. Maybe going to the bishop to try to get him released covertly might be of some value. I couldn't predict what this bishop might say.

Apparently this man is abusive. I wouldn't be surprised it he is very controlling. He will most certainly defend his secrets with what ever means he thinks he needs/or can get away with. I mean, what will he do when he leaves the bishops office? Go beat the crap out of his wife? Go verbally abuse her? What about this wife's safety? Does she have a place to go if she needs to get out? Has he been controlling her for years? Is her only safety being in denial? I wonder if her healthier defenses have been broken down over the years. I guess I would want answers to these questions before I could accurately comment.

If this son went to the bishop for counsel and asked for help in determining a proper solution or determining exactly what his responsibility would be, that is one thing. A good thing. But going in like gang busters.....I just don't know. Maybe gang busters is needed but I think the approach would be much more effective if all the players were on board with the confrontation and the plan for what to do when he resists. Mother, sister, bishop, son. All on the same powerful page.


Or......I don't know. Maybe this son needs to confront his father again and say that he must tell the bishop and his wife the truth..... OR he will tell the bishop himself and expose his secret to the extent of the family or maybe even report him to the police. Maybe he needs to do the same thing with the mother. Tell her that she needs to face/determine the truth or he will need to go to the bishop to at least protect the children. I mean, he could even contact the Boy Scouts of America and make a report.

I agree with Skippy, though. Changing these parents won't be easy. Inviting and putting down some boundaries is most certainly needed, but I am not sure what you can do with people who insist upon staying in their dysfunction. If the children in the ward are in danger, perhaps it is the OP's responsibility to at least make the bishop aware.

I am wondering if you have proof of child porn, then why not go to the police? Isn't this a legal issue as much as it is a spiritual one. The police will at least investigate. I wonder if they can investigate without this man knowing.

[applepansy]

My opinion: the bishop needs to know what you found regardless of his response. His calling in the ward is enough of a reason to tell the bishop. What is done after that isn't up to you. If the bishop doesn't act then whatever happens afterwards will be on his head. I would start by asking the bishop if he had asked your father to develop a blocking system. If the bishop says no, that's your opening. Go from there. Of course the bishop will say no... protecting church computers from porn is done at the church offices, not on a ward level.

If you have proof give it to the bishop and the police.

As for your mother, she already knows. She's afraid of the fall out. She's hiding her head in the sand hoping that it will go away before it gets worse. Unfortunately, that's not how life happens. Problems must be addressed to be fixed. Be gentle with her but also be firm and honest.

I agree with others who have said your first responsibility is to protect your wife/child and yourself. Keep your wife and child away from your father until this is resolved. He's going to get angrier. Stand firm and be valiant.

applepansy

[FlaviusHambonius]

I think that you did the right thing by going to the Bishop--especially since this has ben going on for years.
Your Dad is a very sick puppy who has been putting on a front for far too long. Sadly this is probably far too common within the church, as far as addiction to porn--just my speculation.

I would ask your Bishop to release your Dad from his Boy Scout calling immediately if not sooner-- or ask your Dad to request to be released--if not, then I would threaten going to the parents.

Your Dad been living a big lie for years now--frankly I don't know how your Dad could have been still active in church putting on the 'front' all of these years and especially attending the Temple with all of this on his conscience--actually I wonder if he has one--denial can be a powerful thing.

I think by you carrying out on this (Bishop) you will be doing your Dad a big service in the long run--temporally and spiritually-- by not doing anything, the cycle will continue.
Porn is bad enough to get addicted to-- but when he escalates his craving by delving into rapes, incest etc. it is definitley time to get some past due help.

I admire you for not punching him out when you found out he viewed the rapes involving women of color--daughter in law scenerio.

[ruthiechan]

Have you told your sister about what is going on? She needs to know, especially if she has children. Keep your children safe. You don't want him to start viewing grandpa/grandchild porn. . . Ick.

Your next course of action should include prayer.

Here are some articles on addiction that may be of use to you.
LDS.org - Ensign Article - When a Loved One Struggles with Addiction

LDS.org - Ensign Article - Hope, Healing, and Dealing with Addiction

LDS.org - Liahona Article - Addiction Recovery: Healing One Step at a Time

[Carl62]

While everybody on here keeps saying 'go to the bishop...', what may be an even bigger and arguably more important step is to seek out someone who is truly specialized in these sorts of things. Maybe have the whole family go together and see a sexual addictions therapist/counselor to help sort out where these problems stem from and how to counter them. There is also counseling groups for sex addicts and even family members of sex addicts that you could look into as well. I know it may make some people feel better in talking to their bishops and I don't mean this in any disrespect, but a LOT of bishops are simply not professionally trained in handling these types of situations. They can be their if you need to have an ear to listen to ya, but you still may walk out with the problem barely resolved, if even at all. IMHO, I would look into the therapist first for quicker and more direct results.

[FlaviusHambonius]

Originally Posted by Carl62

While everybody on here keeps saying 'go to the bishop...', what may be an even bigger and arguably more important step is to seek out someone who is truly specialized in these sorts of things. Maybe have the whole family go together and see a sexual addictions therapist/counselor to help sort out where these problems stem from and how to counter them. There is also counseling groups for sex addicts and even family members of sex addicts that you could look into as well. I know it may make some people feel better in talking to their bishops and I don't mean this in any disrespect, but a LOT of bishops are simply not professionally trained in handling these types of situations. They can be their if you need to have an ear to listen to ya, but you still may walk out with the problem barely resolved, if even at all. IMHO, I would look into the therapist first for quicker and more direct results.

I think your right Carl--even though I said the Bishop.
I think the most important thing is Intervention--especially with one that is trained professionally in these areas. I would hope that even if he went to the Bishop first--that the Bishop would suggest some of the things you have.
The problem it seems--that the Father has no intention of doing either--so I think the son needs to give the Father the ultimatum of going to a Therapist/Counciling groups or else the Son needs to spill his guts to the Bishop--I'm sure eventually the Father will have to confront the Bishop about these things irregardless of the order, and I still think he needs to be removed as the Scoutmaster--pronto.

I don't necessarily like the idea of the 'Tattle Tale' approach either as someone mentioned earlier--but it just doesn't seem like the Father is going to take action and I think that somekind of intervention will likely keep the Dad out of the can--if the possibility of the Dad turning into a pedophile is there--then I think the Son is doing him a favor--even though I'm sure there will be some bad and hurtful feelings in the beginning.

There is definitley no easy approach to this problem--the embarassment of the Father would be overwhelming in a detailed confession to the Bishop.
But to continually trod under foot the Saviour with these behaviours is much more to worry about-- and have guilty feelings about--we are all guilty of sin in various ways and degrees--we all have our skeletons in the closet--at least I do.