Family problems - kinda touchy subject

[Brendan753]

Warning - this might be a little touchy for some folks:

I was raised in the LDS church and it was always something I cherished very much. I was always taught that pornography was wrong for many reasons, and I have never felt drawn to view it as others have. Unfortunately, this is something that is tearing my family apart, and there are a lot of elements that go into it. I feel lost and I need help.

I'm 23 now, when I was 15 is when I first found out that my father is heavily addicted to pornography. He always thought I was too dumb to notice that he was doing anything, but I always knew exactly what was going on. I found hundreds of sites on his computer's history. For the next four years that I stayed there, I was in constant fear because of what I saw on his computer, which was mostly teenage rape, incest, and other common taboo material. He would stay up to 2 and 3 in the morning every day just to look at it. He became very verbally and emotionally abusive with us and my mother. He was such a hateful and aggressive person because of it. I'm almost positive he started doing it because he can't legally do anything else - I honestly do think he's a pedophile. I was afraid he would come after me or my sister, the whole situation made me feel raped. It took so much out of me that when I finally called my father out on it and he lied and told me it wasn't true (he wiped his computer clean so I couldn't prove it anymore), I left and didn't talk to him for two years. I never told anyone in the church what was going on - I didn't want to ruin anything. My father was a very prominent figure in our ward and had a lot of respect. I didn't want to burst anyone's bubble.

When I started talking to my father again, I had already gotten married and had a son. We never mentioned the porn issue because he is still pretending he's not doing it. I wanted to believe that he had changed since I came back into his life - I also though he cared enough about his grandson to change. Come to find out yesterday that not only is he still looking at pornography, but he's stepped up from teenage incest/rape fantasies to daughter-in-law/women of color rape fantasies (my wife is African-American). I pretty much blew a gasket when I saw this stuff on his computer. I'm used to feeling objectified and raped, you know? I can (however painfully) deal with it. He cannot have my wife - I absolutely will not allow him to objectify her. He wasn't home at the time, but I told my mother what I found, and told her we wouldn't be coming back until he admitted what he was doing and got help. He later left me a voice message stating that those things were only on his computer because the bishop had asked him to develop some software program that would block porn sites, therefore he has to visit all the millions of porn sites out there to block them all. Later his story changed to "I'm just letting the pop-ups come up and then blocking them, those are the sites you saw". Even if this is somehow far-fetched but true, what I saw were not pop-up sites, they were the real deal. I'm still not dumb. I've called the bishop today to talk to him about what's going on. We have yet to schedule a meeting. I know my father is lying again to save himself. I can tell he's getting nervous because he called me demanding and apology and calling me a hypocrite, and and what's worse is my mother believes everything he says and is calling me a liar.

I guess I'm just worried that, since my father hasn't been caught yet (he still goes to the temple and holds the priesthood) that this is not as frowned upon by the church as I thought it was. I don't know what else to do. Should I contact the parents of the boy scouts that he presides over? I know I wouldn't be comfortable with someone like that being alone with my son. I don't know. It really is tearing our family to pieces and no one believes me.

[pam]

I'm surprised that since there are underage children involved and if he has been doing this for some time..that his internet provider has not reported it. At least in the state of Utah they are required by law to do so.

[ryanh]

I'm not so sure I'd agree with your statement that he 'holds' the priesthood. Not frowned upon? Assuredly they are, but if they have not fully come to light, then there is nothing you can do. But, you only called the Bishop today, right? He has to work to earn a living, and has lots on his plate, so please be patient in letting him get back to you.

You indicated you didn't save evidence the first time. What about this time?

The behaviors you describe are very typical. The defensiveness, the changing stories (that one about the Bishop is quite laughable!!! silly), the attacking the messenger (best defense is an offense), etc all indicate you are spot on. I interact with a number of people whose spouses have ADD. You would be surprised how much of the time when the husband has ADD there are severe porn addictions, and until the wife obtains irrefutable evidence from the computer, the stream of lies and attacks are never-ending.

Unfortunately, your father can't get help until he acknowledges the fact and quits trying to hide it. Wait and see what the Bishop says, and if not, take your concerns to the Stake President. Contacting each parent would be a mess to avoid IMO. You could get caught up in that in ways you don't want to be.

[Wingnut]

Pornography doesn't just hurt the person on film (or on the website or in the magazine)...it hurts the viewer. I would speak with your father's bishop (or stake president, if he is the bishop), and let him know what's going on. Your dad needs help, and you are in a position to get the help ball rolling.

[Misshalfway]

I am not so sure about going to his bishop as a first line of defense. I have a little experience here as the wife of an addict. If someone had gone around me, I can't explain the horror I would have felt. His humiliation is your mothers devastation and I promise you that dealing with this problem is better done in a controlled environment. Tread lightly for the sake of your mother. Anyway....if you go to his bishop how would you really prove it? It could blow up in your face.

The responsibility for telling the truth first and foremost belongs to your father. The next person who has the most influence is your mother. I think that maybe what your father needs is an intervention. I think you might need to get your mother out of her denial before that could happen. You will most certainly need her support if anything would be effective. Porn addicts need to have all the enabling stopped.....just the same as any other kind of addict -- especially ones like your father who have enjoyed years of unchallenged secrecy.

Have you considered obtaining proof and presenting it to your mother? I wouldn't doubt it if your mother knew, but was entrenched in too much denial and fear. Have you considered confronting your father with proof in the presence of your mother? Maybe you could give your mother a little computer education and teach her how to obtain the proof herself. Perhaps you could give her a book or two on the subject so that she has information and time to process it and prepare before the rug is pulled out from under the situation.

And now I just want to talk to you about you. I am sorry your father was involved in this. I know it must have been so traumatic and to know the secret and not be validated is an impossible burden for a child to carry. I am so so sorry!

Remember that you can't change your father. I know you are outraged. You should be. I know you want the lies and abuse to stop. I wouldn't want my father to get away with it either. But this problem is probably so deeply entrenched into the psyche and system of your parents marriage, that I would be cautious and prayerful about how to move forward. You may need to take some action. The spirit may be calling you to. But try to do so in wisdom. Perhaps talk to a PA therapist to get some educated strategies.

Best wishes. May the Savior heal all of you and your father too.

[ryanh]

Originally Posted by Misshalfway

I am not so sure about going to his bishop as a first line of defense. I have a little experience here as the wife of an addict. If someone had gone around me, I can't explain the horror I would have felt. His humiliation is your mothers devastation and I promise you that dealing with this problem is better done in a controlled environment.

I strongly disagree. Such codependent behavior serves no ones best interest. It does not serve the interest of templegoers who are in the temple at the same time as him, the boyscouts he works with, or even his wife who may be at risk of violent acts, or heaven forbid a serious STD. The mother/wife in this situation is already aware of the accusation, has had a chance to address it, and it is time to protect others even if she and the man in question won't acknowledge his problem.

While I can understand the empathy and concern for the wife, the situation is much bigger than her and any potentially maladaptive paradigms she might have to keep up appearances.

[MissKitty]

I just read your story and tho I can't offer any advice as such, I just feel very sorry for all involved.

[FairChild]

Don't leave your little one alone with him. You are the responsible one, don't chance that your child could be hurt by your father.

[Misshalfway]

Originally Posted by ryanh

I strongly disagree. Such codependent behavior serves no ones best interest. It does not serve the interest of templegoers who are in the temple at the same time as him, the boyscouts he works with, or even his wife who may be at risk of violent acts, or heaven forbid a serious STD. The mother/wife in this situation is already aware of the accusation, has had a chance to address it, and it is time to protect others even if she and the man in question won't acknowledge his problem.

While I can understand the empathy and concern for the wife, the situation is much bigger than her and any potentially maladaptive paradigms she might have to keep up appearances.

Codependent? That is an interesting take. I don't mind the disagreeing....you do have some valid points, but yeah....I don't think you are quite pickin up what I am laying down.

I read the OP again. And I think I missed the part about him being a pedophile. I think I thought it said that he was sure he wasn't. I think I could perhaps revise my remarks. Perhaps going to the bishop would be a good thing. But I would hope that the mother would be prepared before hand.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

Originally Posted by Brendan753

He later left me a voice message stating that those things were only on his computer because the bishop had asked him to develop some software program that would block porn sites,

This is easy. Go ask that Bishop if he's telling the truth or not. Don't tell your dad you are going to do it, just go do it. If the bishop gives you the dumb look we all know he will, because of course your dad is lying through his teeth, then you can tell the bishop everything you've seen him do.

You can expect your dad to fight back in some way - attempting to manipulate himself a favorable outcome. Don't take it personally - he's sick. He is not healthy enough to be a father right now.

And yes, consider him a potential sexual predator.

LM