I'm so tired of not being tired of sin....

[LostSheep]

Okay, prepare to hear pointless rambling.....


I want to serve a mission. But dang it, I need to face that I'm still the same person I was a year ago. I feel like such a hypocrite. I try to help others when I can't help myself. I'm not writing this post to throw a pity party...Or tear myself down. I need to be careful of that. I know that's Satan's #1 tool. Self hate. I wish that "Lostsheep" was merely a name....I hope someday it will be.

Here's my question. What do you do when temptation strikes you so hard, it seems like you have already given in before doing anything? There HAS to be a way to get through those 5 minutes. A reminder isn't enough sometimes. I have 5 pictures of Christ on my wall, and I ALWAYS wear a CTR ring. It's not enough. People say you need to put 100% trust in Christ...But how? How do I do that?

I know that I'm not going to get a magic answer. Also, please realize the main reason I'm writing this thread is to gather all my thoughts and emotions. Thank you everyone who has supported me. I only wish I could at least show you that I care. And I do.

If nothing I wrote makes sense, well....I've been awake for 36 hours now. Give me a break. I'm going to bed now....Good night.

[dazed-and-confused]

Ok...hope you slept well........as far as i'm concerned, you make a great deal of sense......and that is a very tough thing to deal with, having been there myself...specially when i was younger.....you put it so well......you feel as if you've sinned before you even do anything.....and your thoughts can go wild.........and you're right again....there is no magic remedy for it.......maybe patience with yourself (try not to judge yourself so strongly)...perhaps changing your mindset from where you think you ought to be, to where you are, and go from there (for example....."i shouldnt be feeling this"...or."i shouldnt be thinking this"......and change it to....."okay...so this is what i feel/think, but i want to remember what my focus is (for example, whatever it is that you are involved in at the time....some task, perhaps).......and dont try to overpower your thoughts out of your head.....it wont work......but try to let them sort of wash over you, and then let them go...its sort of like, be aware that you are doing whatever, and then a feeling or thought comes to you....acknowledge it for what it is without all the hoopla (i shouldnt think this) and then just let it go...........it has helped me and its a meditation technique used to train the mind on how to maintain focus......and it takes practice.....like you said....there's no magic "pill" for this.......so, thats my two cents worth.......hope you find something that helps you......in the meantime, remember that hormones can play havic with ones head......no pun intended.

[Misshalfway]

I don't think you are the same person you were a year ago. I think you know more. I think you are more self aware. I think your mind is open to more truth than you were able to see a year ago.

You just have yet to experience the joy of self mastery yet.

Yes...you have the pictures and the reminders, but you are right it isn't enough. I have said this before. You have to know your patterns so well and your enemy so well that you go to that five minutes and completely shake it up. You interrupt every trigger. You replace one way of dealing with a better way. You don't put 100% trust in Christ to do your work for you. You are expecting him to come in and make those 5 min. different. He won't. And if he did, where is the test in that? Where is the growth? He wants more from you. He knows you need the muscle that you will build by restructuring your life. He WILL increase your strength. He will support your efforts. Sometimes he moves mountains by lots and lots of digging. You can't make this cake by staring at a the picture on the box! You can't make it by wishing the Lord would turn on the oven and mix the batter for you.

I think, LS, that you have done some impressive work on yourself. But I still think you need to sacrifice some patterns that you still hold on to. You want the Savior to ungrip your fingers. But the reality is that the Savior is there inviting you to let go.

In the most simplistic terms, I think you need to restructure your patterns, and your thinking with regards to your patterns. Even in the most primary detailed ways. Practice the NEW structuring over and over and over. If your attempts aren't working, don't repractice the same faulty practice again. And don't get discouraged cause the thing you are trying isn't working. Just move forward to the next thing. ANd if you have any thinking that says "I'm different. I can overcome without doing that....." then think again and rehumble yourself. You probably are avoiding the very things that will help you.

Banish self pity. That only excuses you. Banish shame. That only makes you fall again. Get creative. Use the strategies you are learning about in your reading. You will see success.

[skalenfehl]

You're not a hypocrite. As my bishop pointed out in Gospel Doctrine class a few weeks ago, he said, "We ALL come to church every Sunday sinners".

Remember that poem, "The Race"? Remember that we didn't come to earth perfect. We came to be perfected. That is the journey. Stripping ourselves from ungodliness is our task and this is why Christ died for us. All we can do is keep trying, rising each time we fall, learning how not to trip again and if we do because of the next rut or pitfall, well then, we just get up again, and again and again and keep going. The race is about moving forward, not standing still, or walking off, or giving up or lying down in defeat. I see none of these actions in your posts. I see your willingness to move forward. We are all sinners and all deal with our own imperfections.

Just keep moving forward. Get up and win the race.

[Moksha]

Lost Sheep, you words made me think of these lines from the Desiderata:

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God

[FlaviusHambonius]

I can't add much to the great advice already given--but I will say that when you mentioned that 'I try to help others when I can't help myself'--is partly untrue--because I think that by trying to help others you are indeed helping yourself--even though it doesn't seem so, because you probably fall back into some of the traps once again--and get discouraged and down on yourself--as many of us do.

Don't ever give up--once you fall off of the horse--stand up and dust yourself off--put your foot back in the stirrup and climb back on that horse--and try to pull the reins in the direction you want to go.

[Dr T]

Some to these answers and what 1/2 and I were talking about yesterday are about the same thing. Yes, we are sinners. I read in Gal. today a few chapters that were all about false teachings that got into the church. It was bascially saying, You became saved through the spirit and now you are trying to get back into the law to save yourselves. It is saying, Christ did it and there is nothing you can do to make yourself perfect. I'll maybe write about it later.

[Just_A_Guy]

LostSheep, I don't know what you're trying to overcome exactly. I personally spent eleven years trying--and failing--to overcome a pornography issue.

Aside from doing everything I could to stay close to the Spirit, here were three keys that have really been helpful to me as I've sought to control it over the last year and a half:

1) If possible, cut off your access to the sin. Install filters. Avoid locations. Surround yourself with good people and influences.
2) Make sure that at least a couple of people know what you're up against and what you're trying to do to control it, and report to them regularly. I had the support of my bishop, my wife, a good friend in the ward, and a support group I attended weekly.
3) Start thinking of the sin the same way you used to think about approaching the bishop to resolve the sin:

Well, maybe I'll do it next month, or next week. Heck, maybe I'll even do it tomorrow. But NOT TODAY.

Take it one day at a time. It will probably never go completely away, but it will get easier.

[ToleranceGirl]

All great advice from those who have posted. I wish I had some to give you too. Here is what I do know:

As someone who has 'been there and done that', eventually you'll get past being tired of not being tired of sin to just plain being bored of sin. It will lose its thrill. Eventually you'll come to a realization that all the effort you put into sinning was wasted effort. All along you could have been doing something productive, positive, and healthy. You'll look back and ask yourself how your life would be different had you made wiser choices.

You have the opportunity to write your future history before it begins. Ten, twenty, thirty years from now when you look back at this moment in time, what will you say? How will you feel about the choices you made?

Just a little food for thought.

[Misshalfway]

I was thinking about you today and just hoping that you are taking some time to NOT concentrate on this problem and perhaps joy and work in other areas of your life. Sometimes when we put so much energy and vigilance into our problems, they have more strength. Remember recovery is a journey and it really isn't about the destination, it is about just getting to our goals today. It is just like climbing stairs. It really only matters with regards to the one right in front of you. Stair 73 up ahead can just wait its turn.

I guess maybe just don't forget to count your blessings too. Don't let this thing define who you are. And I hope you are celebrating your victories....even if they are small to the rest of human kind. I think anyone who has gone thru this process knows how precious the hard fought victories really are.