Divorce, depression, and the P word

Banquo · #1 (**permalink**) 07-03-2009, 01:10 AM

Quick background:

I got married a few months off my mission and then my wife left me two years later. Since that time I've been a wreck. I've been active in the church, never missing a meeting and serving faithfully. I don't live in an area where there are many single adults so I oftentimes feel like the freak divorced guy that is just there but not really part of any group. It's quite depressing to have always been faithful in the church and all of the sudden not feel that you are accepted anymore.

Anyway, my ex-wife was unfaithful, which is the reason why she left. I've been completely destroyed since then. It's been two years and I still haven't gotten over it, the wounds feel as fresh as if it all went down yesterday.

In the last few months I've begun to question the existence of God. How could someone as faithful as me be completely screwed over like this? I know people that have lived sin filled lives, mocking the church, and were able to create successful marriages and repent later on. Why is it that the people being complete idiots with the gospel are able to get this blessing of happiness in marriage while I haven't? I did nothing wrong, my stake pres even had to take me aside to tell me to stop beating myself up because my ex had major issues and it would have happened eventually.

But in the last few months I started to look at pornography. I've noticed that I used it as a way to numb my horrible feelings about life. It hasn't been a daily occurrence. It would happen a few times one week and then not again for a week or two. What I noticed is that every time I felt angry at God or depressed I would turn to pornography to numb the feelings.

I've decided that it's time to stop that behavior. My question is this: Is that something I need to confess to the bishop? It didn't involve anyone else but myself. It's following the classic patterns of addiction, which scared me and caused me to look more seriously at my behavior. But if I don't need any addiction recovery help, is it still necessary to talk to the bishop about it? It was my understanding that with porn the reason you talked to your bishop was to get help, not necessarily to confess a serious sin.

Thanks for the help.

aclaire11 · #2 (**permalink**) 07-03-2009, 01:33 AM

Yes, I think you definitely need to talk to the Bishop about this. Talk about the pornography, and also discuss the problems that have led to the your use of it. Also, maybe you should ask him about single adult activities in the stake or branch, if by your "area" you meant the ward.

dazed-and-confused · #3 (**permalink**) 07-03-2009, 07:27 AM

Yes, i think it is something that you do need to talk about with your bishop. It's the addictive tendancies that are relavent here, not that porn is a minor thing. From what you've written, i can see that you are already starting the rationalisms common in addiction, specially the secret keeping and the shame. Best thing to do is to get hold of it before it gets worse because it gets much harder to deal with and the pain of addiction can become VERY severe. You will talk about it sooner or later, i pray that it is sooner.

anatess · #4 (**permalink**) 07-03-2009, 08:12 AM

I'd like to address your question on how come a faithful servant of God is not blessed with a happy marriage while sinful people have lasting marriages...

It is always bad to compare yourself with others because each and every one of us have different challenges. I will tell you though, that the ones who are the most faithful are the ones most challenged. You've led a fairly good life so far. It might have been time to shake you up and test your faithfulness. It seems like you failed the test. And that may have been the exact reason why this happened to you - to see if, in the time when you are the weakest, you would cling to God or forsake Him.

Banquo · #5 (**permalink**) 07-03-2009, 09:58 AM

@anatess

Thanks. That was some pretty powerful advice and actually helped me quite a bit.

@the other two posters...

I'm not trying to sound like a rebel or a sinner trying to justify his way out of a confession, but what is the point of it all? What is the point of confessing it to the Bishop? I can see talking to him for help for an addiction, but in reality he is going direct you to the LDS addiction recovery program. So if you stopped looking at it, what is the point of telling your Bishop about it? I just don't see the point in it all.

Also, of course it's shameful and secret, as are many sins. If you steal a candy bar from a store and feel ashamed and want to keep it a secret, does that mean you are a kleptomaniac? That's not the best example, but I think that most sin that people commit, especially when they know it's a sin, makes them feel ashamed and want to keep it from people but doesn't necessarily make them addicts.

aspenmgy · #6 (**permalink**) 07-03-2009, 11:11 AM

God wasn't to blame for your failed marriage- your wife was the one who did it. She used her agency, wrongfully, and it has negative effects on you.

Also...you need to see the Bishop about the pornography.

Quote:

42 Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.
43 By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them. - Doctrine and Covenants 58

Contrast that with a few verses later...

Quote:

60 Let that which has been bestowed upon Ziba Peterson be taken from him; and let him stand as a member in the church, and labor with his own hands, with the brethren, until he is sufficiently chastened for all his sins; for he confesseth them not, and he thinketh to hide them.

Don't pull a Ziba

Banquo · #7 (**permalink**) 07-03-2009, 02:36 PM

So where is the line drawn? What sins warrant a confession to an authority in the Church and which sins do not need any more confession other than in a prayer to Heavenly Father? Should you confess to your Bishop the impure thoughts you had? Should you confess cheating on a math test? I've found nothing so far that states that a confession to a Bishop is required for pornography. Some people feel the need to, and that's fine, I suppose. But should you go to your Bishop for one viewing? Or is there a set limit of how many times it can be viewed before you have to talk to him? You see what I'm saying?

The closest thing I've found was when Pres Hinkley urged priesthood holders to talk to their Bishops to free themselves from the chains of pornography. I don't think the word "chains" was unintentional. It implies addiction. I don't see anything in his words that implies that a confession to a Bishop is necessary for forgiveness, but it seems that he was implying that in order to overcome addiction it is imperative that you see your Bishop because he can direct you to the sources that will free you from the addiction.

Even President Monson said recently that if you are viewing pornography to "cease now" and "Seek the help you need to overcome and to change the direction of your life. Take the steps necessary to get back on the strait and narrow, and then stay there." Nobody has ever said that a Bishop confession is a necessary step for repentance, but is simply an outlet to seek help for an addiction.

If anyone has any sources where an authority in the Church has specifically said that the viewing of pornography requires a confession to the Bishop for full forgiveness, feel free to share.

Rico · #8 (**permalink**) 07-03-2009, 05:43 PM

I think you need to turn to your bishop when you need help. Since you are going back to view it time and again and are having a tough time putting a stop to it, I think a Bishop could be the help you need.

glow_inthe_dark_girl · #9 (**permalink**) 07-04-2009, 12:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Banquo

So where is the line drawn? What sins warrant a confession to an authority in the Church and which sins do not need any more confession other than in a prayer to Heavenly Father? Should you confess to your Bishop the impure thoughts you had? Should you confess cheating on a math test? I've found nothing so far that states that a confession to a Bishop is required for pornography. Some people feel the need to, and that's fine, I suppose. But should you go to your Bishop for one viewing? Or is there a set limit of how many times it can be viewed before you have to talk to him? You see what I'm saying?

The closest thing I've found was when Pres Hinkley urged priesthood holders to talk to their Bishops to free themselves from the chains of pornography. I don't think the word "chains" was unintentional. It implies addiction. I don't see anything in his words that implies that a confession to a Bishop is necessary for forgiveness, but it seems that he was implying that in order to overcome addiction it is imperative that you see your Bishop because he can direct you to the sources that will free you from the addiction.

Even President Monson said recently that if you are viewing pornography to "cease now" and "Seek the help you need to overcome and to change the direction of your life. Take the steps necessary to get back on the strait and narrow, and then stay there." Nobody has ever said that a Bishop confession is a necessary step for repentance, but is simply an outlet to seek help for an addiction.

If anyone has any sources where an authority in the Church has specifically said that the viewing of pornography requires a confession to the Bishop for full forgiveness, feel free to share.

It's implied that pornography is a sin that needs to be confesed, there's no need to say it explicit because sins related to the law of chastity are supposed to be confesed to a bishop.. nobody can make you do it if you dont want to, you are not obligated to do so, but if you repented just do it and I asure you that you will feel better.. oh and I think there's a talk of elder Oaks that says its a sin that must be confessed but I couldnt find it..

Banquo · #10 (**permalink**) 07-04-2009, 09:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by glow_inthe_dark_girl

It's implied that pornography is a sin that needs to be confesed, there's no need to say it explicit because sins related to the law of chastity are supposed to be confesed to a bishop.. nobody can make you do it if you dont want to, you are not obligated to do so, but if you repented just do it and I asure you that you will feel better.. oh and I think there's a talk of elder Oaks that says its a sin that must be confessed but I couldnt find it..

Impure thoughts are also included in the law of chastity, but I'm not sure that you need to go to your Bishop every time you have one of those.

I know which talk you are referring to where Oaks talks about the temple rec interviews. The thing is he says if you are "viewing" pornography, not if you have ever viewed it. I'm sure people will jump on me and call me a justificatory sinner, but viewing to me seems more like a current problem as opposed to a problem from the past or a one time viewing.

If you are viewing pornography then you probably shouldn't be going to the temple, but if it's all in the past there is nothing that says you can't go and there is nothing that states that the actual confession of the viewing of pornography to a priesthood authority is the only path to forgiveness. If you are addicted and cannot stop, then yes, a Bishop can certainly help, but I'm still not convinced that if you viewed it and stopped that a confession is necessary.