Close minded

[mlbrowninwa]

Islander I hear you. I too have struggled over the years with a quick temper and speaking before thinking. Another one of my biggest problems over the years has been patience. I need that here. It is going to take time and I need to keep that in mind. Joining the church was a big deal for me and her in a different way. My son and I was talking last night about his up coming baptism in a couple days and she at least joined in the conversation in a positive fashion. So that was nice. It will be interesting to see if she comes to the ceremony.

[Elphaba]

Originally Posted by mlbrowninwa

Why can't my wife of 17 years do the same?

I think I have some perspective others might not, and I write the following, which is admittedly harsh, only to suggest what she might be feeling. I am writing it as if I know where she is coming from, when I am actually only guessing based on your description of her behavior. I just don’t want to preface each sentence with “If this is how she feels. . . .“

Nothing I’ve written below is to condemn your choices or actions. So keep in mind, if you’re saying to yourself, as you read along “That’s not right,” just know I’ll believe you.

From your wife’s perspective, you have changed the status quo she was happy with for 17 years. You have split up the couple the two of you previously were by joining a church she despises, and since you did so against her wishes, she feels dismissed, excluded and most of all, betrayed.

Your conversion demonstrates to her that the worldview you both shared for 17 years, and which she still adheres to, was never valid to begin with. You have chosen to reject that worldview, and thus reject her beliefs, all for a church she believes is wrong.

You joined the Church as a person, not as the couple you are, and, in fact, for the time being that couple no longer exists. She is your wife, not the Church, yet when you join the Church your responsibilities change, physically and emotionally. There are times when you are going to have to put her second and the Church first, and in choosing to do so, you’ve chosen to exclude her, all for a belief she thinks is false.

To top it off, you've converted her son to a church she despises, picking at the wound she already feels by all of the above.

Okay, I think that’s enough to give you an idea of where she might be coming from. So, if I'm right, what do you do? You ask her if this is what she’s feeling, and if she says yes, you explain to her that you understand it.

Then you prove you understand it by validating her feelings as often as possible. Don't just say "I understand how you feel." You say, "I understand you feel like I betrayed you," and then do something, every day, to prove you didn't.

Hopefully, with time, if she sees you still place her first in your life, combined with her realization that your commitment to the Church is real and permanent, she will probably come around to accepting it. Perhaps not, but I can almost guarantee you that if you don’t validate her feelings about your conversion, your marriage will suffer.

The bottom line is, you are the one who changed her marriage, and expecting her to make changes to accommodate you, when she is so vociferously opposed to your choice, is unrealistic in the immediate future.

Again, if you can acknowledge this to her, it might help.

Take it or leave it.

Elphaba