Depressed But Trying

[tiffybird24]

Wow, everyone here seems to have said most everything I want to say.

Pretty much I just want to say that I feel the same way as you do. Infact it has always been a huge struggle to make friends and keep them, however, the few great friendships I have last forever. Infact I live with two of my old highschool buddies right now, that are not members, and I usually stick with them just b/c they are easy to talk to and the only good friends that I have where I live right now. But they have classes during the day and I don't really get to see them all that much unless I have a night off work. Its really hard for me to find people to talk aswell.

Infact I have a really hard time getting myself up and outof bed for church b/c I still don't have any good friends to hang with there at church and I've been in the same branch off and on for almost 3 years now.

As someone said earlier, I write in a journal, or on my xanga all about my problems. The neat thing about my xanga is that my roomates read it during the day and will reply to it usually. I have tons and tons of stuffed animals, mainly teddybears and I cry into their shoulders. Pets are also an incredible thing. I talk to my cat as if she were a real person. I pore out my feeling to her and ask her advice all the time. I just now found this message board but I have others that I rant and rave on constantly.

I am really super shy in person so it has taken me a long time to accomplish this, but on Sunday I try to pick out those that sit alone a lot. Than I sit by them and simply introduce myself and start talking to them. I actually found one of my bestfriends in highschool by doing this. She was the first one that I actually worked the guts up to go and talk to and I am so happy that I did. Its not easy but its simply something to pray about and God will help you with the strength to be able to do something like that.

Another thing that I do all the time is to sit down and pray. God is always there listening and he knows how you feel at that moment, and there are times that I swear I feel his comfort so strongly that I know he is hugging me and helping me along. Simply go to him.

I hope what I said was somewhat helpful and if ever you need to talk once again just post on here and there seem to be tons of people willing to jump in with help and understanding.

[StrawberryFields]

One thing the has helped me to develop lasting friendships is the callings that I have served in the church. When you serve with a group of ladies many times there are meeting involved. There is nothing like being in someone elses home that brings you close to another woman.

Where I have made some great friends.

Homemaking committees

Family Home Evening groups where you make packets and share them with about six other families.

Primary Presidencies

Young Women Presidencies

I was in your situation years ago and I had lost who I was. I needed to be around people so I put my child into the stroller and went to the mall and ate lunch and did some window shopping. It just helped to get out. Another thing I did is talked about a babysitting exchange with other mothers who need a couple of hours a week to just go...

You are not alone there are plenty of women out there who feel lonely you just need to make a connection with them. If there is someone you think you would like to become friends with sit by them and ask them to tell you about their family. If you have an interest like cross stitching ask if anyone would like together and visit once a week at your home while doing their projects, you could serve some finger sandwiches.

We are always here to listen and share so just jump in and we will help you along.

[DisRuptive1]

You should also give it time too. Let people get to know who you are. If for some reason you still can't make friends you are probably a bad person.

[StrawberryFields]

Originally posted by DisRuptive1@Sep 5 2005, 01:14 PM
You should also give it time too.* Let people get to know who you are.* If for some reason you still can't make friends you are probably a bad person.

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Bad Person

[tiffybird24]

disruptive, you remind me of a really annoying young man that my dad almost kicked out of the car once. my dad doesn't get mad but he pulled over on the side of the freeway after leaving a super saturday and asked the kid to either shut his mouth or walk home.....that would be a go 30 mile walk to.

[DisRuptive1]

30 miles? Pff, I did 54 in the Marines.

[eleigh1977]

Katrina...this is SO normal! I remember when I was pregnant and on bedrest, I would just HOPE my VT's would call. That didn't happen very often. The computer was the only link I had to talking to anyone, and I did. LOL! Unfortunately some people, just didn't want to hear what I had to say.

NOW that my kids are both older, I must say the feeling is completely different. I still feel lonely from time to time, but I am also back to my outgoing self.

Being pregnant and into new mommy/family mode is probably one of the scariest things for a woman. You feel lonely because you don't really know your place any more. Men, and I hate to generalize, but from talking to my husband and his friends, don't have this problem. They also seldom understand it when a woman does. So I can see why it would be difficult to talk to your hubby, but keep doing so. It will help you to bond to him more...which is what we're supposed to do in our marriage relationships.

Women just wonder who they are...what they're worth....I didn't want to change my maiden name when I was married and it was a big battle between DH and I for a couple of years of my marriage....the reason was is that I was afraid I'd lose a huge part of who I was if I gave up my last name. It was scary to me....finally though, for the sake of my husband's security (he associated that as me disassociating w/ him), I took my husband's last name and have used it since....however I do use my maiden name when I write. It is my way to bridge the gap between my mother/wife self to my single, care-free, self.

I am rarely lonely any more....because as your kids age, they won't LET you feel that way. The first couple of years in child rearing are very lonely.....and trust me when I say there are other women who feel this way. I STILL go to enrichment from time to time (when my son's school doesn't hold their PTO meeting), and rarely if ever feel completely connected with the other sisters, even though I talk, have 'friends' and am very involved in the activity.
However, that might be a personality trait and I am attributing that to be the case, more than feeling ignored or unwanted. It's not a bad thing...it's just who I am.

This is a rare time for you to work on your relationship with yourself. Nothing brings up all your private fears and weaknesses than in the first couple years of having children. Take this time to face them....talk to Heavenly Father a lot and if you need a friend, make them. People don't know what we need until we tell them.

I have many 'friends' now. I am VERY close to some women who could be my mother....because they are a blast to be around. They gave me perspective that new motherhood changes.....relationships w/ spouses change.....they also taught me that throwing myself into any line of service (be it a calling, VT, volunteering on my own time), would take away any ounce of lonliness I ever felt...and they were right. Any time I am focusing w/ the concerns and needs of others...I rarely feel lonely.

I also rekindled my relationships w/ my HS best girl friends....we are all far apart....but we trust each other more than anyone on the planet! Try to rekindle those relationships if you can....through calling, writing and emailing. I find just knowing they are around, helps a ton!

I hope this helps...but trust me when I say, you are NOT alone in feeling this way.

[June123]

You really aren't alone in feeling this way, although knowing this doesn't help you change anything.Talk to a professional about feeling depressed. It may be a clinical depression that can be treated. If it is depression due to a reaction to something, i.e loneliness then you can do something about it your self. Get your self involved in mother and baby groups. If there are other young mothers in your church then be pro-active and organize a mother baby group your self. Invite them all to your house, give them a start and finish time so that it is not too tiring for you. Suggest that you all meet again at the same time next week but at some one else's home. May be your Bishop will allow you all to use the chapel to meet in. Make use of your visiting teachers. Tell them how lonely you are. Don't put on a brave face and pretend everything is o.k when it isn't. Explain how you feel to your own family. People who care about you will want to know what is really going on in your life and appreciate an opportunity to help. When you are trying to make new friends don't assume that if you extend an invitation to another sister to spend time with them getting to know them that they won't want to accept that invitation, and don't be disappointed if at first you feel awkward and clumsy. Just keep trying and it will get easier each time.Good luck. Sending you a hug.

[TXRed]

Wow! You gals just made me feel a whole lot better. So many times, I have felt that I was the only one with the feelings described. Over the years, I am learning never to cease to be amazed at the similarities that we all have. Even from one generation to the other.

Each of our situations may be a little different, but there are certain things that we all go through at various times that are soooooooo similar.

Several of you ladies said this in different ways, but I liked this one especially:
"Another thing that I do all the time is to sit down and pray. God is always there listening and he knows how you feel at that moment, and there are times that I swear I feel his comfort so strongly that I know he is hugging me and helping me along. Simply go to him."

I was in a meeting once where the teacher said that when you are depressed, that is when the Holy Ghost has left you. I was soooooo upset about some other things she had already said that I couldn't speak for fear that when I opened my mouth the roof might cave in. I was pretty "hot" at the time.

Anyway, another sister was very upset about the comment and got up and said that when she was the most depressed, she got on her knees, and that's when she felt the spirit strongest with her.

I agree with that. Prayer is one of the best things we can ever do for ourselves. Often, I find that I talk out loud to Heavenly Father when I am driving in the car. For me, it helps to talk out loud when something is really bothering me. Plus, I find that the more I do it, the easier it is, and the easier it is to feel that HE is hugging (or comforting) me.

Anyway, of feeling lonely and friendless. I agree with the other gals about taking the initiative yourself to start up a group or invite people over. I've been here for 10 years now, and although I know a lot of ladies in our ward, I don't have any "best friends" here like I did back where we came from. (my friendships there were built over a lot of years) That's been really hard for me. There's no one here that I spend a lot of time with or talk to really often.

Of course, I'm realizing that life is changing for me, too. My babies are all grown. . . . life is just not the same as it was when all of my kids were at home. However, I still have the need to spend time with other sisters. So; one of the things that I do is to, on occasion, invite a bunch of ladies to my house to do a VT luncheon. (Note: this is not a Church activity . . . . . . . this is a personal thing; so sometimes, it can be a little bit "sticky") In our Ward, boundaries include about 4-6 towns. Several of us in my town get together once a month for lunch at a local restaurant. Usually, there are about six of us, but sometimes more. When I decide to have it at my home, we invite more sisters and tell them to invite those that they VT also; so sometimes, it winds up being about 20 or more. We don't invite the entire RS, but it's a strictly "word of mouth" invitation; so on occasion, someone hears about it, after the fact, and decides that it was a "Church" function and they got left out.

One of the ladies mentioned a group get together to make FHE helps. I was involved in that a few times years ago. That was great except that the ladies involved were all so busy that they only wanted to get together long enough to "exchange" the items they had made. Our meetings probably took all of 30 minutes tops.

I was also involved in an LDS homeschool group of moms who met together (with the kids) to do activities together. (this was usually during the day on a weekday and only kids and moms. That was really a lot of fun. We were all busy trying to raise our children and trying to home school them, but we had the opportunity to spend time together as moms and still be able to tend to the children.

Another great group that I was involved with was also LDS homeschooler families who got together one time a month on a Saturday afternoon. A number of families would get together at one home (different each month) for a potluck dinner. Everyone brought games. Sometimes, the adults would be in one room talking while the kids were in the other or outside playing. These were all different age group kids; so the older ones kind of kept an eye out for the younger ones. Other times, the adults participated in the games also.

With your child being so young and another on the way, you may want to have some time alone with sisters. Once a week, several ladies got together at one sisters home to do "crafts". That particular sister's hubby was out of town a lot, and she enjoyed gourmet cooking (which he and the children did not like); so she experimented with new recipes on us, and the rest of us brought whatever items we were working on. (Our hostess sent her own children to bed early, and the rest of us left ours home with their fathers.) Someone might be crocheting, doing needlepoint, or quilting. I took a serger, and another lady brought a stack of cut out fabric to sew into t-shirts. (that's how I learned to make t-shirts . . . . . . by letting her use my serger and watching). One sister had a fancy sewing machine that she would bring and let different ones use it. On occasion, a sister would show up with nothing to do and just sit and talk with the rest of us. We never knew how many would actually show up, but we set it up for the same night every week. It was a blast. I learned to like bacon wrapped dates in that group.

By the way, I have a couple of babies (#1 & 2) that are 15 months apart. That was a choice we made. . . . was not always an easy one, but not one we regret either. So; I can definitely empathize with you at this time in your life. As one of my daughters frequently says now (trying to poke fun at me) . . . . ."ahhhh, memories".

If there are some other young moms in your ward with one or two small children, try inviting them over for a "play" date. You decide (before you ever call on other moms) what day and times you would like to do it. You can always change it if you need to, but sometimes, if you try to talk about it and let everyone decide, no one really gets around to deciding anything. So; you take the "bull by the horns". . . . . . pick a date, time to start, time to end, and what type of activities you want to do. When you invite the mom's, if they ask what they can do or bring, have some suggestions ready for them.

For instance, Thursday morning, from 9:00 to 12:00, we are going to "tie" a baby quilt and eat lunch. Invite four - six moms to come over and bring their little ones. If they are all small, have them bring their play pens or swings to set up. Have a baby quilt already to tie set up. (two solid pieces of fabric with a batting pinned together with safety pens) Make a pot of soup, and let the other moms bring finger sandwiches, chips, or dessert.

If at first, you don't feel that you have succeeded, try again. Just don't give up. So many of us within the Church are so busy with our families and our Church callings, that we find it difficult to get out and do other things. When we first joined the Church (28 years ago), we invited a family over for dinner, and they told us that they had not been to anyone's home for dinner in years. We thought that was really strange at the time, but the longer we are in the Church, the more we see that, too often, we get ourselves locked in a rut of habit. . . . . Church activities, family activities, work. We don't make time for anything outside of that.

You may find that there are other ladies in your same predicament within your ward.

Don't give up. . . . . . . . . . . you are in our prayers.

Peace,
TXRed

[Setheus]

Originally posted by DisRuptive1@Aug 30 2005, 04:22 PM
Lol this is funny.* A woman having problems and a woman hasn't even answered.* Oh man that isn't good for her.

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What are you talking about Dis? you're the biggest girly girl at LDSTalk.