I need help!

leming6 · #1 (**permalink**) 10-03-2009, 02:10 PM

I've had marriage problems for awhile now. We've slowly been working on things and trying to do better. One thing that I have an issue with is my husband's temper. He angers easily and has punched a hole in a wall, he hits himself and is rougher with the kids than he thinks he is. I've told him for years now that he is too rough. A few times in the heat of punishing one of our children he has hurt them, not on purpose, but because he is rougher than he thinks. He doesn't seem to think of what might happen if he goes ahead with a certain punishment. Yesterday, he did it again, he was putting my oldest child into a corner and hit her nose on the wall. My daughter got a bloody nose and her upper lip is still sore today. Due to the fact that we are having problems already, I told him to leave, that he crossed the line one to many times. He tried to apologize to my daughter, but I don't want them to think they did something wrong or that an apology is good enough for an act of physical violence. They need to know that in no way do they deserve that kind of treatment from him or anyone. What do I do to help him, try to save my marriage, and encourage a relationship between him and our children?

Bini · #2 (**permalink**) 10-03-2009, 02:38 PM

You are in a dangerous situation. You need to leave with your children before things escalate to something much more serious than a nose bleed - as if a nose bleed and a busted lip isn't serious enough already! There are places you can go for mothers and their children. It would be a mistake to wait around for things to possibly get better, when clearly, his behaviour has been a pattern for quite sometime. This isn't to say you still can't get some form or counseling or therapy but meanwhile you need to protect your children.

Also, when your husband lays a hand on you or your children - you need to call 911. Whether that's you calling or one of your kids calling. Domestic violence is serious and there should be no tolerance for it.

missingsomething · #3 (**permalink**) 10-03-2009, 03:51 PM

You have a right to protect your children. If you do not.. who will?

This doesnt mean your marriage has to end... just means to continue he has to accept and work on his temper ... with a professional.

PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN. What happens to them now will affect their lives for a long time.

will227457 · #4 (**permalink**) 10-05-2009, 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by missingsomething

This doesnt mean your marriage has to end... just means to continue he has to accept and work on his temper ... with a professional.

it dosent have to end the marriage but it most likely will...kick him out get a lawyer, and change the locks. YOU can't help him...he has to get help himself....but he should not be allowed near your children or you until he is in a program and has supervised court mandated visitation.....

giving his child a nose bleed and busted lip is child abuse..nothing more nothing less...

I agree he should "work" on his temper issues but not in your home....

Gwen · #5 (**permalink**) 10-05-2009, 12:57 PM

i disagree with calling 911 or involving the police if you can help it. sorry i just don't trust the "child protection" services. i do think he needs to leave, get help to deal with this, parenting classes, etc before he is allowed back. i think those things can be done without police involvement. unless he isn't really trying to work on the marriage like you say and resists what needs to be done. in which case i think you can still probably resolve it with a lawyer and a legal separation (get physical custody and child support). you do need to protect your children.

unixknight · #6 (**permalink**) 10-05-2009, 01:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gwen

i disagree with calling 911 or involving the police if you can help it. sorry i just don't trust the "child protection" services. i do think he needs to leave, get help to deal with this, parenting classes, etc before he is allowed back. i think those things can be done without police involvement. unless he isn't really trying to work on the marriage like you say and resists what needs to be done. in which case i think you can still probably resolve it with a lawyer and a legal separation (get physical custody and child support). you do need to protect your children.

^This. Once Child Protective Services becomes involved a bloody nose will be the least of your problems. This is an entity with no oversight and can act with or without authorization from the courts. They will seek to regulate when and if the father gets to see the kids at all and will quickly put you right under a microscope.

But yes, I agree with the others here that it seems the time for simply trying to talk about it with him hasn't helped. He's in a form of denial, and needs outside help.

I've got a nasty temper too but I'd like to think if I'd ever done anything to my kids that caused them an injury like that I'd have taken that as a wake-up call.

leming6 · #7 (**permalink**) 10-06-2009, 08:39 AM

I do have to say that I am a little bit surprised that on an LDS forum people would suggest automatic get rid of him. Part of why I don't like to mention things is because of conclusions like this. I did make him leave that day. This weekend was a big wake-up call for him. Here's the update. After visiting with our branch president, he was allowed back home. He is required to do counseling and anger management classes. He has made a commitment to us that we will never do anything like that again. He knows if he does (even being accidental), it will have to be reported. The goal is to preserve our family and do what it takes it work. Even though my husband has a temper, we all love him and are willing to put in the work neccessary to help him, not walk away.

Hemidakota · #8 (**permalink**) 10-06-2009, 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leming6

I've had marriage problems for awhile now. We've slowly been working on things and trying to do better. One thing that I have an issue with is my husband's temper. He angers easily and has punched a hole in a wall, he hits himself and is rougher with the kids than he thinks he is. I've told him for years now that he is too rough. A few times in the heat of punishing one of our children he has hurt them, not on purpose, but because he is rougher than he thinks. He doesn't seem to think of what might happen if he goes ahead with a certain punishment. Yesterday, he did it again, he was putting my oldest child into a corner and hit her nose on the wall. My daughter got a bloody nose and her upper lip is still sore today. Due to the fact that we are having problems already, I told him to leave, that he crossed the line one to many times. He tried to apologize to my daughter, but I don't want them to think they did something wrong or that an apology is good enough for an act of physical violence. They need to know that in no way do they deserve that kind of treatment from him or anyone. What do I do to help him, try to save my marriage, and encourage a relationship between him and our children?

Contact your Home Teachers and Bishop immediately....

Hemidakota · #9 (**permalink**) 10-06-2009, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leming6

I do have to say that I am a little bit surprised that on an LDS forum people would suggest automatic get rid of him. Part of why I don't like to mention things is because of conclusions like this. I did make him leave that day. This weekend was a big wake-up call for him. Here's the update. After visiting with our branch president, he was allowed back home. He is required to do counseling and anger management classes. He has made a commitment to us that we will never do anything like that again. He knows if he does (even being accidental), it will have to be reported. The goal is to preserve our family and do what it takes it work. Even though my husband has a temper, we all love him and are willing to put in the work neccessary to help him, not walk away.

It is not to walk away that is impotant, it letting those who are supposed to watch over you know what is going on and give aid to you when it is needed.

thankfull · #10 (**permalink**) 10-06-2009, 09:33 AM

He is clearly asking for help. Pray for him to understand where this anger is stemming from. Speaking for myself my anger in the past and present is always from my own disobedience or sin. Tell him because you love him and want to work things out you need time apart. Seperation will be a good thing. Maybe he has a relative to stay with for a while. Through the time apart he will have a oppurtunity to evaluate the true desire of his heart. If he is willing to humble himself and seek to repair and restore love towards his family he will find the way. Suggest scriptures that deal with temperance or the recent conference talk on this subject. Counseling of course is what is needed most.