What a dilemma

[milo62]

Hey I'm new here. I have lurked for well over a year, but this is my first post. I need some advice about my daughter. Some background might help...for several years we have struggled with out oldest two daughters about choices they have made etc. They are 21 and nearly 20. They are good girls and both are at University. They have weak testimonies and have struggled with some of the commandments but still come to church with us. They come because we expect them to and because they know we want them to. The eldest is much better now, but not strong. It is my 19 year old I am worried about. She is a bright girl who is not committed to her schooling, not committed to the church, not committed to anything really. We sit her down and tell her she is getting herself into debt with her university courses and will have nothing to show for it because she has failed about 2/3 of the classes. All of her friends are studying and being responsible. She is a bright girl and wants to be a chiropractor (she has decided this recently)She does nothing to help around the house and when I say this to her she says she shouldn't have to tidy up mess she hasn’t made. She had a non member boyfriend for three years, and although he has endearing qualities he is manipulative. She broke up with him and he has been hurtful to her, said he would like to beat her up and then "I love you". We think he has a screw loose. ALL of the things that should matter to her don't. The only thing she cares about is going to the city to party. She was drinking, but since I found out 6mths ago, she said she hasn't. We have grave concerns for her life, but have told her we will not subsidise her party life.
That basically is the background...Sorry. We just found out that two weeks ago while she was in the city she was raped by an acquaintance. She was with a member boy she has been seeing and they had been talking to this guy. She went to the bathroom and he followed her and raped her. She knew the ex boyfriend was in the city and called him. He knows this guy through her and he slapped the guy around. She told the boy she was with and he has been supportive, but she has told him to give her time. Meanwhile the ex has been supportive of her and she said she feels safe around him.
When we found out yesterday we of course felt deep sadness for our girl, but we also feel torn with the knowledge that she has been putting herself in very vulnerable and unsafe situations, doing things she was raised to avoid. She won't tell us the name of the person who did this to her and doesn't want us to pressure her for any more info. Because she didn't tell us until now, we have only just found out that she hasn't gone to a doctor or anything. We have talked about what has happened and I have made a Dr appointment and will take her to get counselling.
My question is this...What can we do to help get our child on the path that she should be on? Last night she said she thinks she should leave school and work for a while and try to be independent (which is what we are trying to teach her) but we worry that she may not get back to school, and if she moves out we will have little influence over her, but maybe she needs to find out how hard it is on your own and maybe it will make her stronger..I don’t know. I want so desperately to protect her and do what I can to have her strong in the gospel.
Thanks for reading. Any advice would be welcome.

[dazed-and-confused]

i am so sorry to hear of your child's rape. no doubt she feels shame and doesnt want people to know, but she did tell you, thats good. it sounds to me that she needs to be more responsible for herself, and is, in fact, trying to find herself.
her boyfriend is a, well, she needs to be rid of him. yet, he seems to fulfill some need in her, allbeit, perhaps a negative need.
but she picked him, for SOME reason.....and needs to party....well, i'm a convert, and an old hippie (57 yrs old), and i surely did my share of partying.
she seems to be rebelling from something the home life, afterall, isnt that where children base their existence on?
dont misunderstand...i dont point fingers.....it is what it is...she is her own person, because of and reguardless of the parents.
what i feel struck by now is your love for your child...and i feel sorrow, and .....and.....what is the word?
honor?......i honor you for that.
i need to ask.......upon who is tough love tougher?...the child or the parent?
your daughter may need psychological help, not because she is crazy, but for some guide posts in life.
if you can get her there.....lol.
she wants to be her own person, very badly........and really, good for her.
but she will no doubt fall down, perhaps, severely......but as i stated, i you seem to love her.
that may also be something she needs to know, and needs to test you on....how much you love her.
this is between you and her, she seems to be insecure.....so, who is tough love tougher on, the child or the parents?
and that is entirely up to you...when to be tought and when not to.
tough call.

[will227457]

you can point her in the right direction and it sounds like you have taught her gospel principles, but the reality is she is an adult, you may not want to hear it but step back let her make her own choices.....

About the rape why have the police not been called? if your daughter won't call them you should.... this is a crime....it needs to be reported or the guy that did it to your daughter is out there free to prey on other women

[Bini]

Sorry to hear about this situation.


Your daughter is very fortunate to have loving and caring parents. I'm glad she's decided to see a doctor and possibly a pdoc as well. But this is only part of what should and needs to be done. I believe reporting her attacker to the police is crucial. If she will not provide a name, perhaps you can explain the importance of the issue to her ex and maybe he'll talk?

[jadams_4040]

Originally Posted by milo62

Hey I'm new here. I have lurked for well over a year, but this is my first post. I need some advice about my daughter. Some background might help...for several years we have struggled with out oldest two daughters about choices they have made etc. They are 21 and nearly 20. They are good girls and both are at University. They have weak testimonies and have struggled with some of the commandments but still come to church with us. They come because we expect them to and because they know we want them to. The eldest is much better now, but not strong. It is my 19 year old I am worried about. She is a bright girl who is not committed to her schooling, not committed to the church, not committed to anything really. We sit her down and tell her she is getting herself into debt with her university courses and will have nothing to show for it because she has failed about 2/3 of the classes. All of her friends are studying and being responsible. She is a bright girl and wants to be a chiropractor (she has decided this recently)She does nothing to help around the house and when I say this to her she says she shouldn't have to tidy up mess she hasn’t made. She had a non member boyfriend for three years, and although he has endearing qualities he is manipulative. She broke up with him and he has been hurtful to her, said he would like to beat her up and then "I love you". We think he has a screw loose. ALL of the things that should matter to her don't. The only thing she cares about is going to the city to party. She was drinking, but since I found out 6mths ago, she said she hasn't. We have grave concerns for her life, but have told her we will not subsidise her party life.
That basically is the background...Sorry. We just found out that two weeks ago while she was in the city she was raped by an acquaintance. She was with a member boy she has been seeing and they had been talking to this guy. She went to the bathroom and he followed her and raped her. She knew the ex boyfriend was in the city and called him. He knows this guy through her and he slapped the guy around. She told the boy she was with and he has been supportive, but she has told him to give her time. Meanwhile the ex has been supportive of her and she said she feels safe around him.
When we found out yesterday we of course felt deep sadness for our girl, but we also feel torn with the knowledge that she has been putting herself in very vulnerable and unsafe situations, doing things she was raised to avoid. She won't tell us the name of the person who did this to her and doesn't want us to pressure her for any more info. Because she didn't tell us until now, we have only just found out that she hasn't gone to a doctor or anything. We have talked about what has happened and I have made a Dr appointment and will take her to get counselling.
My question is this...What can we do to help get our child on the path that she should be on? Last night she said she thinks she should leave school and work for a while and try to be independent (which is what we are trying to teach her) but we worry that she may not get back to school, and if she moves out we will have little influence over her, but maybe she needs to find out how hard it is on your own and maybe it will make her stronger..I don’t know. I want so desperately to protect her and do what I can to have her strong in the gospel.
Thanks for reading. Any advice would be welcome.

the same excat thing happened to one of our daughters while in colleage; unfortunately thats the name of the game when they go off on there own; thers lots of very important things they need to learn of; we canott prevent bad things happening to them nor can we make every desicion for them; they simply need to learn from misstakes as we did at there age and move on and hopefully in the gospel.

[milo62]

It's really hard to report it to the police when she won't tell us the name. We have asked her and asked her. She won't even give us info about where she knows him from. My husband asked why she was protecting him and she said she wasn't, she just doesn't want to report it. I do not know why. I spoke to a councellor today who said I should get her to call the rape crisis line. She also said it was not uncommon when it is someone known that the girl wont report it. It makes me furious. Why don't they want justice? My husband is going to contact the member biy she was with and see if he will give up info. We do not want any contact with the ex as we feel that although he has been supportive of our daughter, he is now back in her life and we just want him out again.