Falling apart

[mlbrowninwa]

I have not been posting. Been going through some rough times here. I lost my job a few weeks ago and am having marriage problems to boot. Loosing the job has given me a lot of time alone and the job search has been depressing as I'm sure it is for so many others. But what I have realized is that my marriage is not well either. Last Thursday my wife and I talked and I found out how bad it is. We talked some more on Saturday as well.

As most of you know, I joined the church without her. She was very involved with things at work and said she didn't want to stand in my way if that was what I felt I must do. But I guess we didn't talk as much as we should have and I took her opposition to the church as an attack on me personally. But she now says she is having a hard time getting past it. There are other things as well, but this seems to be the biggest one. I have also been working on some of the other things she told me about and want nothing more to get back to where we were.

We have been married for 17 years, have two great kids and from the outside would look to have the perfect marriage. She has been so distant and Saturday told me that over the last year she has been here more for the kids than anything. The week I was baptized she said she almost left, but she didn't want to make that decision based on the emotions of the moment. I suggested consoling, but we can't afford it right now and I'm not sure that would work anyway as I've seen it fail with most of the couples I've known over the years that have tried that.

I also feel that there may be someone else but that may just be me. I asked her about that on Saturday, and she said there was not, but I know that she constantly emails someone she works with and seems to be really looking forward to him coming back here in a couple weeks for a project they are working on. Believe me it's not that she is overjoyed with working on the project. That just doesn't seem right to me. And even though she tells me nothing is going on, I can't seem to get past it. She told me it would take time and that she is still here because we have been together for so long. But inside I feel she is just buying time. I don't know what to do. I am flying back home this week to see my family for a week. I don't really want to go at this point, but it might be the best thing to help clear my head. I miss her so much and we are living in the same house. I am also questioning my involvement in the church because I don't want to further damage the marriage if it's that big of a deal to her.

I'm sorry for the ramble, I just need to hear some advise from someone and have always been able to count on this board for that. Right now I'm lost.

[Jenamarie]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

In regards to your wife, could it be that she's having an emotional affair with her co-worker? She may not even realize that that's what it is (she may just think that there being "no one else" means there's no one else she's being intimate with). There was a great article in one of the more recent Ensigns (I think September or August?) about emotional affairs that you may want to read to see if they fit your wife's situation with her co-worker. (and I'm not saying that she's hiding anything from you intentionally, it may just be that, since it's not an "affair" in the traditional sense of the word, she thinks her relationship with her co-worker isn't inappropriate)

Many prayers for you and your family.

[mlbrowninwa]

I remember that article. And I did bring that up as a possibility when we talked. When she said no I told her that I wasn't necessarily talking about a physical relationship, that sometimes it can be just emotional and that could be just as bad. She said that when things get like they have been, she just buries herself in something like work or fixing things in the house. She said she has closed herself off to me and she was sorry about that and apologized for hurting me. But the remainder of the weekend was no better and she was as distant as ever.

Thank you for the prayers!

[Gwen]

i hate to give an impersonal answer and throw a link at you but sometimes we have to find the right answer for us... here are some resources that can help with that resources/links for your marriage pray about which one might be right for you.

i'm starting to become of the opinion that most of these should be required reading before getting married.

hang in there and god bless you in your search.

[mlbrowninwa]

Thanks for the links Gwen. I have visited some of those already. The church's sites I'm sure can help me and I will be looking through some of those. I've been trying the Fireproof marriage suggestions and am receiving emails from one of the other sites as well. I think a talk with the Bishop may be in order as well when I return from my trip. I know my wife will never take advice from the church, but it may help me get past some things.

[pam]

You know I just adore ya...therefore your post is just extremely saddening to me. I've watched you going through your conversion process and know of your excitement when you finally joined the Church.

Absolutely talk to your Bishop. Explain to him the circumstances...especially the concerns you mentioned with your involvement in the Church. Let him be your spiritual advisor on this matter. That's what he's there for.

Just thinking aloud here..but perhaps your wife feels your love for her has transferred to your love of the gospel and the Church. If that be the case..I'm sure she doesn't understand that your love for the those things can also be a tremendous help in strengthening your love for her and for your family.

I realize I don't know if that is the case..again just thinking aloud. I've seen it happen before is all.

I don't have any great words of advice...except speak with your Bishop. I'll be thinking of you and will include you in my prayers. You've become a great friend on this site and I only want the best for you.

[mlbrowninwa]

Thanks Pam. If there can be one thing that I can say has been good about the job loss is the fact that it has given me time to focus on other things. It has opened my eyes to the problems here at home between not only my wife, but my kids as well. I have often put my job first in my life and can now see that it has got me nothing. Kids are great though. You can sit them down and apologize for things and even at the ages mine are, their forgiveness is so heart felt. We as adults can learn so much from them and their ability to forgive and move on.

[Misshalfway]

I am not saying this as a judgment against your wife, but it seems that she hasn't been able to deal properly with her feelings or concerns throughout the 17 years of your marriage. It seems like she is avoiding conflict or stuffing her emotions or blaming you quietly rather than problem solving them either in her own mind or with negotiating conversations with you. Sounds like she has been numbing herself by work and projects rather and dealing. And when we do stuff like that, we tell ourselves that we are safe, but in reality we are just letting problems fester and turn into bigger issues than they were in the beginning. It's a form of denial and it leads to things like passive aggression and other unhealthy defense mechanisms.

I mean its a little unfair of her to expect you to deal correctly with her feelings when she isn't willing to deal with them in the first place.

I honestly think lots of marriages struggle with this kind of stuff because we go into marriage with perhaps unrealistic definitions and expectations of what happiness in marriage is. We think we have to agree on religion for example. I think it is a huge mistake to think that our marriage partners (and ourselves for that matter) won't change or struggle or cause our situations to change drastically. I don't know any married couple that hasn't had some sort of wrecking ball to deal with.

So.....hopefully you two can start over and learn to use better tools to solve problems and negotiate solutions. It seems at the very least communication skills need some work.

I am sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. Take care with yourself from moment to moment. Don't let the pain get you stuck in defensiveness. Rather find ways to hold your ground and your non-negotiables in love.

Get some help from marriage therapy and self help books. I hope you and your wife can get at least on board with the solution to the problems.

[beefche]

I am so very sorry to hear this.

A couple of thoughts. First, does your wife have any sort of employee assistance program at her work? EAPs are often offered through companies and will allow a certain amount of counseling for free (my EAP offers counseling for any reason for 6 sessions total for free--anything after the 6 sessions would be paid through my medical coverage or myself). Counseling might be a good idea at least for a few sessions to foster open communication for both of you.

The other thing that I thought of was why is she so upset by your baptism? This is a rhetorical question and so please no need to answer this here. Is it because she feels it is taking your attention away from her and the family? Is it that she feels that it is so completely of the devil that she fears what changes you'll bring to the family? Does she resent you being gone for 3 hours on Sunday? I would find out the REAL reason for her objections. Then find a way to overcome those objections. If 3 hours at church is too much because she feels neglected during that time, find out what you can do to help her not feel neglected. Perhaps having another night for the 2 of you to have a date.

I think that the 2 of you need to be open about needs, wants, and desires for the marriage. Find out what she feels the marriage needs--then work together on that. Make some specific goals together on what to do to foster a stronger relationship--things you can do together and things to do as individuals.

[mlbrowninwa]

You know it's kind of funny. We are together most of the time. Over the last few months she had been training for a marathon on Saturdays. Sometimes this would take several hours in the morning. And then on Sunday's I go to church and our ward meets in the middle of the day, which I know she doesn't like(that's getting ready to change to 9am start). I think we do a lot of things together, she brings up the things we do not. She has often said that she is afraid of having these conversations with me because i end up getting upset, so she just "shuts down" and says nothing. This of course leads to the six hour arguments once every six months. I have to admit that I can get quite heated at times and take full responsibility for that. However like I told her Saturday, we have to do a better job talking to each other so that doesn't happen or get to that point.

When we were talking Saturday, I noticed such a tone in her remarks that lead me to believe that things are worse than I think. Everything seemed so final in her mind. Going into how we would get along if we split, would it be best for my son to move to Virginia with me to have a better support system(daughter heading to college upcoming year). She said more than once that "it's hard for people to keep the promises they make when they're 21 because you don't really realize what you're doing that young." Well I can say for sure I did!

All I guess I can do at this point is try to be supportive and work on the things that I said I would. She has asked for time, that it's not a "light switch" to turn on. I don't really understand, but i guess the best way forward it try to be the best husband I can and continue to pray that things will work out. I feel really alone right now and always look to fix anything I find wrong quickly. It really hurts to think I can't fix this.