Is it time?

[AprilNeel]

This is going to be a bit of a long post because I want to fully describe the reasons why I'm asking the questions I'm asking.

When I was in high school I was trying my best to graduate while living in a house where drugs were being made and sold, alcoholism was rampant, and abuse was something I'd learned to skillfully dodge. I was about six months from graduation day when I met a kid online who was a member of the LDS church and after some convincing he got me to agree to letting him send my information into the church. Lo and behold it wasn't a day before the missionaries showed up at my door and at their side was an older man whose purpose I couldn't quite determine at first. I'll never forget the look on their faces when I invited them into my mother's kitchen and offered them sweet tea.

The old man turned out to be just a member of the church who was along for the visit. He was gruff and quiet and disapproving... and he scared the bejeezus out of me. But as it turns out, he and his family of many, many children ended up more or less taking me under their wing. I remember sunday mornings where I had breakfast that came hot from the stove and not burnt from the microwave, family outings where I was made to feel like I fit in, and church events where people awed me with their kindness and morals.

And then my stepfather got into an accident and my mother decided to take the opportunity to run and sent me and my brother to live in another state with our dad. My dad didn't approve of the church I'd already been baptized into and I was no longer allowed to go. I went once after I became a legal adult and had my own car but the people were strangers to me, I was largely ignored, and I felt very uncomfortable. I missed my second family and that ward failed to live up to the bar that had been set. So I left, discouraged, and never went back.

Nine years later I'm married to someone who is very much not LDS with one child that was had out of wedlock. I occasionally keep in touch with one of the old man's children who was around my age but talking to her is painful. Because I miss the church, you see, and she reminds me of this and of all of my failings in life. I've thought many times over the years of returning and giving it another chance but my reasons for not are as follows:

1. My husband is a hothead and would likely cause a scene the first time someone pressured him about his lifestyle.

2. I don't want to be belittled or looked down upon for my husband's lifestyle or my choices to date.

3. I'm afraid that the family who took me in was the single-handed reason I fell in love with the Church and that I'll never find that kind of solace, guidance, or happiness in another ward again.

4. I'm not sure how much I can dedicate myself to the lifestyle knowing that my marriage will always make me something of an outsider.

5. I'm afraid I'm going to get back into the LDS lifestyle and realize that my husband isn't what I want and this is going to ruin my relationship.

But no matter what, at least once a year and sometimes several I come to this position where I'm left pondering whether or not I should return. Given the risks I would be taking, is it really responsible of me to do something that could potentially tear my family apart?

April

[funkenheimer]

1. Upon your return to the church let your ward members know he wants nothing to do with the church. That doesn't mean no contact with ward members. It sounds like if you pressure him he will fight it. Let him know its what you want to do and there will be no obligation for him to participate in any way.

2. Members of the church are human beings and as such many are judgmental. There are those in every ward who will judge. At the same time there are also those who are loving and accepting and will welcome you with warmth and happiness. Find those members.

3. As a return missionary I wondered if some of those who joined the church were doing so because of the kindness of those around them. Welcoming new members is important but gaining a testimony is more important. I encourage you to go to church, even if you feel uncomfortable at first. Make an appointment with the bishop and tell him of your desire to return. He can make arrangements for members to help you return to full activity. Ask him who the Relief Society president is and request visiting teachers. This will help you get to know more people faster. As soon as you begin to meet more people you will begin feeling more comfortable. If you did join the church because of this wonderful family thats okay. But the gospel has so much more to offer. You should definately give it another chance.

4. I know plenty of people in the same or similar situations. You will feel like an outsider at first. I am recently divorced and my daughters and I just moved into an apartment in the ward were I grew up. I knew many of the members there. Imagine the looks I got when the bishop read our membership records in Sacrament Meeting without my ex-wife's name. It takes time. The members have shown me so much love and support through this difficult time. You can find this too if you give them a chance.

5. This one is tough. I wish there was an easy answer but there's not. You can enjoy all of the blessings of the gospel without your husband's participation. Just because he chooses not to participate shouldn't limit you in what you do.

I think your "pondering" may actually be a prompting from the spirit. Perhaps your Father in Heaven is asking you to come back to the fold. Maybe its time you listened. Its not going to be easy. I wish I could say it would be. What I can promise you is a peace and happiness you may have never experienced. At least not in quite a while.

Feel free to whisper me if you would like to talk privately.

[georgia2]

No matter where you are in the consequences of your decisions, Heavenly Father knows you and your plights in life. He understands you and loves you beyond your imagination. Wherever you are, whatever bad decision you have made, He doesn't care. He knows who you really are, His Sister who fought valiantly in the pre-mortal world and was a strong enough spirit to be sent to live in the conditions you were born in to. It's not that you are less than others who had it better, it means you are stronger spiritually to have been able to survive.

The only way to have that peace you felt before is to start today to make good choices. Then He can bless you in the ways you need and give you strength and guidance and comfort as you take those hard steps.

You do need to go back to church so you can partake of the sacrament and become clean again and renew your baptismal covenants. That is one of the coolest things about the gospel and Heavenly Father. We can be clean every Sunday!!! That doesn't mean you won't mess up or fall down, it just means that you are making an honest attempt to follow Him.

When you go back you can tell the Bishop that you don't want Home Teachers of Visiting Teachers coming to your home. You can still have them, but you can meet with them at church. They can help you, like give you blessings and advice. YOu can even request that your phone number not be in the roster. Living the Gospel means you will be more loving and kind to your husband and you CANNOT judge or condemn him for his choices. Unless he's abusive that is. No one should allow someone to abuse them.

As far as people at church being friendly or not being friendly, the number one reason you go and the number one benefit is YOUR personal relationship with him. NO ONE can take that from you. If someone isn't nice, who else would totally understand how you feel?? YoU guessed it! So why not get close to him so he can help YOU?

If your husband starts being a jerk or belittles you because of your beliefs and desires, then maybe your happiness lies else where. A woman is supposed to support her husband in RIGHTEOUSNESS! IF he is unrighteous, you are under no obligation.

YOU are the only one that can make good decisions for you. You are the only one responsible for your happiness, You are the only one who can live the life that will gain you exaltation. Don't let another person decide that for you. Whether it be other members or your spouse.

Everyone of us has to make those choices for ourselves. Oh and what better reason do you need to make sure your child has a better, more loving, safer, peaceful home than for you to bring them up in the Gospel? Create for yourself and that baby that home you had a glimpse of when you were a teenager.

[joofob]

Originally Posted by AprilNeel

This is going to be a bit of a long post because I want to fully describe the reasons why I'm asking the questions I'm asking.

When I was in high school I was trying my best to graduate while living in a house where drugs were being made and sold, alcoholism was rampant, and abuse was something I'd learned to skillfully dodge. I was about six months from graduation day when I met a kid online who was a member of the LDS church and after some convincing he got me to agree to letting him send my information into the church. Lo and behold it wasn't a day before the missionaries showed up at my door and at their side was an older man whose purpose I couldn't quite determine at first. I'll never forget the look on their faces when I invited them into my mother's kitchen and offered them sweet tea.

The old man turned out to be just a member of the church who was along for the visit. He was gruff and quiet and disapproving... and he scared the bejeezus out of me. But as it turns out, he and his family of many, many children ended up more or less taking me under their wing. I remember sunday mornings where I had breakfast that came hot from the stove and not burnt from the microwave, family outings where I was made to feel like I fit in, and church events where people awed me with their kindness and morals.

And then my stepfather got into an accident and my mother decided to take the opportunity to run and sent me and my brother to live in another state with our dad. My dad didn't approve of the church I'd already been baptized into and I was no longer allowed to go. I went once after I became a legal adult and had my own car but the people were strangers to me, I was largely ignored, and I felt very uncomfortable. I missed my second family and that ward failed to live up to the bar that had been set. So I left, discouraged, and never went back.

A social attachment to the church is important and I do not want to undermine it by stating that it is not the reason to attend church. It can be truly difficult and challenging to become attached and devoted to the Gospel without it, but it is not the reason nor is it necessary for anyone to have social connections to attend church, worship the Lord and partake in sacred ordinances.

Nine years later I'm married to someone who is very much not LDS with one child that was had out of wedlock. I occasionally keep in touch with one of the old man's children who was around my age but talking to her is painful. Because I miss the church, you see, and she reminds me of this and of all of my failings in life. I've thought many times over the years of returning and giving it another chance but my reasons for not are as follows:

1. My husband is a hothead and would likely cause a scene the first time someone pressured him about his lifestyle.

2. I don't want to be belittled or looked down upon for my husband's lifestyle or my choices to date.

he he he I have known quite a few non member men with hot heads confronted with aggravating situations because of others in the church. Lets face it, it will most likely happen a few times. That is not a reason to remain inactive. Discuss your feelings and the situation with him, inform him that at some point someone will comment on his lifestyle with good intentions etc etc. Let him be aware, but do not keep something like that a reason to not become active in the Gospel of Christ. His heart will soften over time.

3. I'm afraid that the family who took me in was the single-handed reason I fell in love with the Church and that I'll never find that kind of solace, guidance, or happiness in another ward again.

Your reason should be your testimony of the Gospel of Christ. I am sure you have it in there somewhere Search the scriptures and seek guidance and revelation from the Lord and be faithful and humble. If the Gospel is true and Lord of heaven exists he will make himself known and reveal his will to you.

4. I'm not sure how much I can dedicate myself to the lifestyle knowing that my marriage will always make me something of an outsider.

NEVER NEVER let this be a reason for you to miss out on spiritual growth and the gospel. Devote and sacrifice what you can and trust in the Lord that he will succor and nurture your spiritual needs. The Lord is pleased when even the weakest of saints shows some effort. Take gradual steps and let it be between you and the Lord.

5. I'm afraid I'm going to get back into the LDS lifestyle and realize that my husband isn't what I want and this is going to ruin my relationship.

Speak with your husband, be patient with him and work things out as best you can. If you love him and he loves you then things will work out. It may be a challenging path ahead, but the Lord will strengthen you and soften his heart. BE PATIENT with him and understand it won't be an easy change for him either.

But no matter what, at least once a year and sometimes several I come to this position where I'm left pondering whether or not I should return. Given the risks I would be taking, is it really responsible of me to do something that could potentially tear my family apart?

April

Now is the time, it won't be easy, but you will be strengthened by the Lord. Seek his guidance, search, and pray. If it be right the spirit will confirm it and if it is not the spirit will also plainly confirm such an important decision. When you get your answer follow it and keep in mind there will be consequences, both good and bad, but the Lord will help you through any challenges you encounter. I pray for the best.

[FairChild]

Wish you were here. You would be so loved.

[anatess]

Originally Posted by FairChild

Wish you were here. You would be so loved.

Here too.

[Misshalfway]

1. My husband is a hothead and would likely cause a scene the first time someone pressured him about his lifestyle.

Don't pressure him about his lifestyle. The feelings you are having are about yours. Leave him in the safety of his own personal responsibility as you embrace the person you really are and the way you really want to live.

2. I don't want to be belittled or looked down upon for my husband's lifestyle or my choices to date.

This is accomplished first and foremost inside of ourselves. Love yourself no matter what choices you have made in your life. It sounds to me like you did the best you could with the understanding you had at the time. It's the same for all of us. Evaluate your old self in the most compassionate terms. If you are in that compassionate and non judgemental headspace, you can evaluate your mistakes in more loving ways. If you went against yourself at one time, learn from it and commit that you will love yourself better in the future. Let go of all the self judgement and harsh black and white in your thinking.

You can't control what others think about you. Learn to not let it matter. When a person judges harshly, the flaw is inside of them NOT you. But, you know what its like to be judgemental, so you can greet their flaws with the same compassion in which you learn to greet your own. And in the same breath, learn to walk forward in your own best interest without needing their validation before you give yourself permission to do it.

3. I'm afraid that the family who took me in was the single-handed reason I fell in love with the Church and that I'll never find that kind of solace, guidance, or happiness in another ward again.

You may not. Doing what's right or what Father in Heaven invites us to do doesn't always bring the emotional safety and close relationships our deepest selves wish for. How much I wish it did! How often I have made the mistake of expecting that it would.

Your fear is real and I understand it more than I can express, BUT you must discipline that fear and replace it with trust. Trust yourself to be open to all kinds of relationships and opportunities. Trust God that He will bring good things and good people into your life. Trust that it takes time and that earth life is filled with lots of inequities and pain,but that you will be ok thru all of it and that inviting God into your process is better than keeping yourself away from that too.

[QUOTE][B]

4. I'm not sure how much I can dedicate myself to the lifestyle knowing that my marriage will always make me something of an outsider.

Stop viewing yourself so harshly. Stop evaluating your life against some imaginary list of what makes someone good enough to fit in! We are all sinners. We are all struggling with earth life and if people say they aren't, then they are lying! Again....accept yourself. There are no cookie cutters inside the kingdom of the Lord! Being one doesn't make you any better. Be proud of who you are and where you are in your process. This is what love and belonging are all about!!! If you meet people who can't open their circle to you, you can still open your circle to them. They just haven't learned the lessons of wisdom you are learning.

5. I'm afraid I'm going to get back into the LDS lifestyle and realize that my husband isn't what I want and this is going to ruin my relationship.

Deal with this when and if it happens. It may not! And give yourself the gift of NOT comparing your life to anothers. Learn to be grateful for your life and for the gifts your life has given you. Commit only to dealing in reality.....not your fear of what reality might be.

But no matter what, at least once a year and sometimes several I come to this position where I'm left pondering whether or not I should return. Given the risks I would be taking, is it really responsible of me to do something that could potentially tear my family apart?

Well, it would seem to me that somebody is trying to talk to you, girl!

Yes. Obeying God is risky. But trust anyway. Find ways to communicate with your husband. Find ways to obey the Lord while respecting your husbands wishes too. Remember, this is about negotiation and slow movements of progress. Its not about upsetting the applecart all on one day. Take one step forward and give all the rest of the steps to God until its time to take the next one. Pray for wisdom in how you step and don't spend one more day giving into fear.

Blessings to you. You are a person of courage! Perhaps its time now for that side of you to flourish.

[Soul_Searcher]

4 out of 5 of your questions involve worries about your husband. Maybe reading between the lines here, but is your marriage happy? If not is this a way for you to escape your marriage problems? Would your husband be supportive and accepting of your choice to go back to church?

If you know that you have problems with your marriage then perhaps some counselling is in order. I think your question number 5 is very telling-I think you feel this way already.

Whatever you decide to do regarding the church, I think you need to sort out the problems in your marriage too x x