Chastity and talking with the bishop... - Page 2

spirettedotter · #11 (**permalink**) 10-23-2009, 03:57 AM

Snowwhite,

I give you credit for being aware that this issue needs to be corrected (as it is detrimental to yourself and offensive to the Lord), for seeking advice, and for realizing that you need to take better care of yourself to feel better about yourself. You've already taken the first step by admitting you have a problem and asking for advice.

No doubt you have learned that the thrill you feel by turning a guy on is only temporary, and will actually make you feel worse later if you act on it out of wedlock. In the long run, it hurts you.

Suffering from low self-esteem perpetuates a cycle of poor choices, which in turn makes you feel worse about yourself. You can't get out of such a spiral without taking the responsibility to do whatever it takes to change. Poor self-esteem is always caused by something external (outside of yourself). Children aren't born with low self-esteem; most often it is caused by trauma of some degree. It may take a lot of work and time to discover how you got that way, and how to heal.

You have to stay away from your slippery places (and people) if you want to feel better about yourself and feel Heavenly Father's love. It is never too late. Any boy who expects you to do what you aren't confortable doing, or what you know is wrong, is not your true friend. You don't need a boyfriend or a husband like that. Tell him the truth. You need to take care of yourself by following God's law of chastity, and that is more important to you than anything else right now.

Being in a relationship with someone you don't love or even like is actually a very common mistake for women and girls with low self-esteem and abuse issues. Depending on someone else to feel better is called co-dependancy. It goes along with the inability to feel your self worth. It is a common issue and there is help for it. There are 12-step programs within the church and outside the church that can help you work on yourself and make the changes that will in turn help you to feel better about yourself.

Take strong measures to keep yourself safe. Make rules for yourself never to be alone with a boy or in compromising situations. Set up a support system to keep you strong when you are tempted. Try imagining and connecting with a part inside yourself, perhaps a younger part, that you can love and protect. Make it your job to keep "her" safe and out of trouble.

The law of chastity can be a difficult for many people of any age without a testimony. In a world where people regularly indulge and justify sin, it is a blessing and an honor to know that we are given this commandment for our protection and best interest, by a loving Father in Heaven who cares about us and wants us emotionally and physically healthy.

You might want to consider writing a letter to your bishop to bring in with you when you see him. That way you can think out and write exactly what you want to say without feeling judged. If you feel your bishop is judgemental, you may want to find an advocate that you trust to go in with you when you meet with him. Some bishops just aren't that understanding or good with people. You don't want to let a bishop make your feel worse about yourself when you're already suffering with low self-esteem. Ask for a blessing, and for uplifting help and inspiration. You may also want to have a support system available to talk with you after you see your bishop.

This may be the toughest challenge you've had to face. But you've already shown by your comments that you know what is right. Good luck, and may you gain strength and security as you become closer to the Lord.

ryanh · #12 (**permalink**) 10-23-2009, 10:07 AM

So sad that there are so many young (and even older) people desperate for love and attention that they will turn to unhealthy, and ultimately, unfulfilling ways in attempt to get their emotional needs met. My heart goes out to all such.

Two thoughts come to my mind.

1) You will be susceptible to such reactions to the affections of others until you are able to feel love for yourself, and our Heavenly Father's love for you. Wish I could remember the article, talk, or post I vaguely recalls seeing that put this so well and so compassionately. When a person finally is able to truly feel the unconditional love of Heavenly Father, they can be freed of so many of life's ills. When we are so desperate for acceptance and love, we ought to be turning to our perfect Heavenly Father to obtain those feelings rather than flawed people who will only bring us misery.

2) We are warned, pretty clearly, in the Book of Mormon to "not procrastinate the day of your repentance". Such sound advice! There may be some very significant obstacles to meeting with your bishop and engaging in the necessary confession steps for repentance. But, it is needful, and not something you should be putting off in deference to worldly concerns.

ryanh · #13 (**permalink**) 10-23-2009, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pam

A best friend would not insist that you do something that is against your morals.

Can I make a small modification to that? A "best" friend may (since the choice of bf is ours alone), but a true friend wouldn't.

Misshalfway · #14 (**permalink**) 10-23-2009, 10:17 AM

Girl.....Now you listen to momma.

Tell that boy to take a hike!

Go talk to your bishop!

Don't think about it! Don't waste another minute in hesitation! Then after that you can start to work on the stuff that got you into this self destructive headspace.

snowwhite17 · #15 (**permalink**) 10-23-2009, 11:01 AM

You are all so kind, and considerate to my situation... Thank you so much for being so understanding... However... What can I do about my Bishop predicament? We have this language barrier, as well as I hate how non-understanding and judgemental he is... we just don't get along... How can I fix this problem?

Misshalfway · #16 (**permalink**) 10-23-2009, 11:08 AM

Write a letter. Sit down with him and have him read it. Two hundred million dollars it will go better than you think.

Love yourself enough to do it. You deserve that.

candyprpl · #17 (**permalink**) 10-23-2009, 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snowwhite17

You are all so kind, and considerate to my situation... Thank you so much for being so understanding... However... What can I do about my Bishop predicament? We have this language barrier, as well as I hate how non-understanding and judgemental he is... we just don't get along... How can I fix this problem?

How is it that you're in a ward for the deaf? I could see where that would be a huge barrier coupled with your feelings about your Bishop.....

What about talking to you're YW president or counselors? What about talking to Mom? I know our children don't always feel comfortable talking to Mom -- that's why I suggested YW leaders. They may have some great advice for you and may be able to help you with your visit to the Bishop. I know when I was Activity Day Leader for primary that the girls would often talk to me about problems.

snowwhite17 · #18 (**permalink**) 10-23-2009, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by candyprpl

How is it that you're in a ward for the deaf? I could see where that would be a huge barrier coupled with your feelings about your Bishop.....

What about talking to you're YW president or counselors? What about talking to Mom? I know our children don't always feel comfortable talking to Mom -- that's why I suggested YW leaders. They may have some great advice for you and may be able to help you with your visit to the Bishop. I know when I was Activity Day Leader for primary that the girls would often talk to me about problems.

First off, I AM the mom... My mother is far too ill to do anything but veg all day long... So I spend 90% of my time taking care of six kids. So, I can't really talk to her... She wouldn't listen, nor would she really care anyway... As for talking to my YW leaders... I cant... I just... Can't bring myself to have them disrespect me, like I KNOW they will!

As for being in a deaf ward... My parents raised all my siblings in that ward-- they met as interpreters-- and were very well associated with the deaf community... I know how to sign, just not well enough to carry on full on conversations. ... *sigh*

candyprpl · #19 (**permalink**) 10-23-2009, 11:48 AM

Why are you so sure that your YW leaders will have nothing but disrespect for you? I've heard your story and I don't have any disrespect for you. I see a young woman, that Heavenly Father loves, having a serious problem who needs some advice.

As for you mom, I'm sorry she is so unavailable and I'm truely sorry that you are having to take care of your siblings. You sound very bitter -- could this be where a lot of your problems stem from?

will227457 · #20 (**permalink**) 10-23-2009, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by candyprpl

Why are you so sure that your YW leaders will have nothing but disrespect for you? I've heard your story and I don't have any disrespect for you. I see a young woman, that Heavenly Father loves, having a serious problem who needs some advice.

As for you mom, I'm sorry she is so unavailable and I'm truely sorry that you are having to take care of your siblings. You sound very bitter -- could this be where a lot of your problems stem from?

most members are very very judgemental...I don't blame her, maybe she coould talk to her stake pres? I know it is jumping the line of authority but she need to feel secure in her desire to repent

as for your mom it is an unnecessary burden that has been placed on you and while I am unaware of all the details it would seem that you have every right to be bitter and upset....