Hi, I have a problem, maybe you can help. (forgive me, it's long)

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

Originally Posted by Karl_Withakay

No need to apologize Misshalfway. The thing is, when she is good, she's great. I can't get enough of her. I'll admit that I have this "wounded bird caregiver" complex. I knew she was damaged when I first got with her but didn't know to what extent. To be honest, I don't think I'd ever be able to have a "normal" marriage with her and that breaks my heart. She just yells so much. Everyone get's irritated but take something that irritates you or any other woman and the same thing throws my wife into a blind RAGE. She has so much anger. I explain to her how therapy works. I tell her usually, that it will get worse before it gets better but if she stays with it, It WILL get better. I explain that therapy doesn't take away bad memories, or pain, it just gives you the tools to deal with them in a non-destructive manner. But every time it starts to get a bit heavy or uncomfortable, she stops.

Karl

Then it sounds like she is not ready to deal with some real deep rooted emotions. As stated, one can't force her to attend therapy. However, if she does not seek it out on her own, and her rage gets ahold of her and causes harm to someone, then it becomes a serious matter where she may be forced into being institutionalized for her own benefit and well being as that for the community's health and well being. It is a very tricky situation.

This reminds me of my first wife where she just blew up on you without any just reason or cause. I remember one time I took her out to a nice restaurant, we just sat down and out of the blue she started yelling at me, hitting me. It was the most embarrassing thing I had ever experienced.

Now that we are divorced and I am remarried (even before I remarried) I knew she was a very unhealthy person who would not allow herself any type of help because her parents did not view that she had any deep rooted emotions.

I know love and appreciate having a healthy marriage with my wife here.

Here is a suggestion, whether you may want to consider this or not, go to the Bishop of where she goes to church, express your concerns, maybe ask for a priesthood blessing.

[Just_A_Guy]

Karl, have you looked into a legal guardianship? A court might be reluctant to name you because of the past issues; but maybe it could name one of your in-laws? That would at least keep her eating, bathing, and generally cared for.

[prisonchaplain]

Karl, I can feel the stress through your posts. You are a good writer with a great heart. You love this gal, and that is so beautiful. But it's painful too. Sadly, you have to interpret her messages through filters. With this latest barrage she claims to want to be rid of you, for religious reasons. I don't know you or her, but based on your story, that sounds suspect from the get-go. She seems to love and hate you at the same time, because you protect her, but you also correct her. I'm very skeptical that her main reason for currently pushing you away is religious. It could be that she needs you so badly but resents that reality. No pop diagnosis here...just a surface outsider observation.

[Karl_Withakay]

Originally Posted by prisonchaplain

Karl, I can feel the stress through your posts. You are a good writer with a great heart. You love this gal, and that is so beautiful. But it's painful too. Sadly, you have to interpret her messages through filters. With this latest barrage she claims to want to be rid of you, for religious reasons. I don't know you or her, but based on your story, that sounds suspect from the get-go. She seems to love and hate you at the same time, because you protect her, but you also correct her. I'm very skeptical that her main reason for currently pushing you away is religious. It could be that she needs you so badly but resents that reality. No pop diagnosis here...just a surface outsider observation.

I appreciate your take. The latest is that she wants a divorce for "legal reasons" but she still wants me in her life. Well I told her that if we divorce, I'd be done with her and I mean it. I didn't come all the way out here form New York state, away from everyone that I know and all of my family to a 110 degree in the summertime temps DESERT to be alone.

You see my wife likes getting things for nothing. She likes the fact that if she is living alone, she gets $694 a month in SSI and SSDI combined. But when she is with me, she only gets her SSDI which is $367 a month. Now even though I make pretty good money doing what I do and she lives a better life with me, she wants to live apart. She says that she doesn't want to feel "trapped" in a relationship. If she wants to leave, she wants to have the financial means to do so and that would be more difficult to achieve on only $367 a month. Her family has money but they don't spoil her. She feels entitled though. She is just never happy. Never. I always say that if she won a million dollars, she would holler and complain that she is only going to get about $600,000 after taxes. She looks at the negative side of EVERYTHING. Before I came out here to Utah, she was miserable because I wasn't out here. After I came here, she was unhappy because I wouldn't marry her right away. After I married her, she was still unhappy. Let's face it, there is a negative side to just about EVERYTHING. And she finds it always and takes any enjoyment one might get from it.

Sorry for the rant. I'm just one an emotional roller coaster here. I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm hurt. I'm like, "Fine! I'll be glad she's gone". and, "I don't want to loose her" all in one. I feel like if we divorce and I continue driving her around, taking care of her from afar, that I'm just being stupid. I'm just lost.


Karl

[ryanh]

Originally Posted by Karl_Withakay

You see my wife likes getting things for nothing. She likes the fact that if she is living alone, she gets $694 a month in SSI and SSDI combined. But when she is with me, she only gets her SSDI which is $367 a month. Now even though I make pretty good money doing what I do and she lives a better life with me, she wants to live apart. She says that she doesn't want to feel "trapped" in a relationship. If she wants to leave, she wants to have the financial means to do so and that would be more difficult to achieve on only $367 a month. Her family has money but they don't spoil her. She feels entitled though. She is just never happy. Never. I always say that if she won a million dollars, she would holler and complain that she is only going to get about $600,000 after taxes. She looks at the negative side of EVERYTHING. Before I came out here to Utah, she was miserable because I wasn't out here. After I came here, she was unhappy because I wouldn't marry her right away. After I married her, she was still unhappy. Let's face it, there is a negative side to just about EVERYTHING. And she finds it always and takes any enjoyment one might get from it.

Wow. Sounds somewhat familiar. My wife left 3.5 months ago and is seeking a divorce. Selfishness without bounds is what I see going on here too. The yelling, the paranoia, out of touch with reality. Yep. Know what it's like at least to some degree. Don't think I had it as bad as you, but I do understand.

Originally Posted by Karl_Withakay

Sorry for the rant. I'm just one an emotional roller coaster here. I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm hurt. I'm like, "Fine! I'll be glad she's gone". and, "I don't want to loose her" all in one. I feel like if we divorce and I continue driving her around, taking care of her from afar, that I'm just being stupid. I'm just lost.

Rant away brother. You need to get it out and process it IMO in order to get through it. It does get better. I'm starting to get a little more stable now, but the extreme ambivilance can be a real doozy. If you are at all like me, as time passes, you will find yourself more and more in the 'glad she is gone' category.

You don't happen to be in SLC do you? If so, I'm game for lunch tomorrow if you can meet me downtown.

Edit: One of the things that hurts the most is to be rejected by the very shortcomings that were overlooked or put up with. It's not right, is it?