Hi, I have a problem, maybe you can help. (forgive me, it's long)

[Karl_Withakay]

I'm not LDS. I was raised Baptist in upstate, NY. My wife however is LDS. Now I DO believe in God but I'm not all that crazy about church. In my 41 years, I've seen many "Sunday Christians". They walk the walk and talk the talk on Sunday and Monday through Saturday, they're back to their blasphemous behavior. Churches (LDS, Baptists, Methodist, and Catholic churches) have always rubbed me the wrong way. I'll be judged on judgment day, I don't need to be judged by my reverend, priest, or bishop.

My wife is younger (25 y/o). She was diagnosed with Schizophrenia about a year after we were married. She collects disability now. She has incredible anger problem. Frankly, she's more bi-polar than schiz. Well back in July, she told me (yelling 2" from my face) that she was glad my mother died. (diagnosed with Alzheimer's at 44 and died at 52 at 53 pounds) I pinned her. She's on warafin to thin her blood because she had blood clots in her lungs. So she bruises easy. Anyway, I ended up putting a small bruise on her arm and I was arrested. I understand why I was arrested and take responsibility for what I did. My wife moved out September 1st. Not because of my arrest, but because she can't stand her and I living with her grandfather. We were living apart but working on our marriage. Since the incident on the beginning of July when I was arrested, she has yelled, and screamed at times but I have never even come close to putting my hands on her.

Anyway because I was still seeing her every day, and taking her to all her appointments and taking her shopping etc, she was paying for gas a lot of the time and about $55 a month for car insurance. Today I get an email that says, "My Bishop showed me that my tithing is my first priority. That's why it is no longer possible for me to pay for your truck insurance". Then she goes on to say she wants a divorce on religious differences. She goes on to say, "My Patriarchal Blessing states that "at the proper time a priesthood holder will seek your hand in marriage. He will take you to the temple, there to be sealed for time for all eternity. Children will be born into your family. I bless you to be a good wife and mother". Then she goes on to say, "You are NOT A PRIESTHOOD HOLDER IN THE MORMON CHURCH AND YOU WILL NEVER GO TO THE TEMPLE; THEREFORE YOU ARE NOT THE RIGHT MAN FOR ME. LETS BOTH END THIS MARRIAGE ON CIVIL TERMS."

Is this what the LDS church advocates? Honestly, does the LDS church think I'm not worthy of being with an LDS woman because (even though I'm saved), I'm not LDS???

I take my marriage vows very seriously. I don't believe in giving up on a marriage unless EVERYTHING has been tried to work it out. Over the years, she has cheated on me twice, she has threatened to hurt me in my sleep, she has put bruises on me and she calls herself a good Mormon. And I have always been the one working hard to keep it together. I don't want to give up on her but what choice to I have? I feel like the LDS Church tore us apart.


Karl


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My Published Articles

[BenRaines]

Karl, the LDS church policy is to never suggest, advise, etc for someone to divorce. That is the individual's decision. Patriarchal blessing is based on one's individual worthiness. Her telling you that is what it says does not make it true. Her obedience to God's commandments will help her to follow that path.

The church would not, does not tell someone to divorce.

Ben Raines

[pam]

I agree with Ben.

[Karl_Withakay]

But she honestly feels that the church (via the Blessing) doesn't want her to be with me. I'm not perfect, none of us are. But I do my best to be a good Christian.

I'm not as acquainted with the bible as I once was but doesn't it say somewhere as far as tithing goes that if one cannot give from their heart (if they feel stressed because of giving), then they shouldn't give. My wife has less than $700 a month coming in and is expected to give 10% of that to the church. She can't afford it. She gives about $10 a month. Well her Bishop sat her down and had the 10% talk with her and said a lot of things that made her feel OBLIGATED to give a full 10%. I don't want to but I'm giving up. I told her that if we divorce, I'm done with her. This isn't what I want. I've prayed but she's slipping away.

Karl

My Website

My Published Articles

[FairChild]

Karl, it is getting late here tonight and I would really like to talk with you. My first marriage broke up over church. My ex-husband was abusive and would not allow me to attend church or associate with the saints. He removed the phone to isolate me. He even took the car so I could not go to the store or even the Doctors if our infant son was ill. He even phyically hurt me to force him to go to church with him. The church never told me to leave him because he was a not church member. It was my decision to leave him because he was mentally ill and abusive and refused to allow me to live in safety and peace. I feel as if I had not left, I would not be alive at this time. The church has never forced me to tithe, but they have given me food and other help when I have asked for it. I too am on disability. At one point I had a bishop tell me on such little income, not to tithe until I got a job and could work. I think when a person has mental health issues, they are sometimes using broken thinking. I have had times in my life when I have used broken thinking myself. I think your wife is using some broken thinking and the church as an excuse to say and do what she wants. My sister is bi-polar as well as my son. My nephew is schizophrenic as well as autistic and bi-polar. I have many friends that bi-polar combined with many other mental health issues. I worry that her behavior at this time would not be healthy for a child. She really needs to get her emotional self (house) in order first and then figure out what she wants to do. She needs more self control. Screaming as she does is not a good nor useful tool unless someone is bleeding or on fire. Have you suggested to go with her to meet and councel with her bishop? You can try once and if you do not like him or feel uncomfortable with the situation, not go again. LDS Social Serices might be a better solution as far as the counceling goes. Most Bishops are not trained as professional mental health or social workers. Look out for yourself. Be good to her. I wish you both well. If you need to talk, leave a message and if you want, I will give you either email or my messenger names. FC

[Just_A_Guy]

Karl -

Here's the deal: She's not well, she wants out of the marriage, and she's using selective elements of Mormon doctrine to justify herself. I could write volumes about the way she's perverting her patriarchal blessing; but will forbear.

BenRaines is dead on: the Church does not condone divorcing someone merely because he/she isn't a Mormon. If anything, there's a sizeable corpus of LDS literature encouraging the opposite.

[Alana]

I could probably twist things enough to suit my purposes if I wanted to, that doesn't mean that the way I present things are the position of the church.

My husband isn't a worthy priesthood holder and I can honestly say that all of my church activity and interactions support my marriage. My Stake President who used to be my Bishop has always heartily encouraged my marriage and that I be a loving good wife to my husband.

When a man and women are legally married that bond is sacred to God. The church supports this. This is one of my favorite articles about marriage from the church.
LDS.org - Ensign Article - Mending Our Marriage

[Charlyc]

Karl.

This needs to be said again here: "Here's the deal: She's not well, she wants out of the marriage, and she's using selective elements of Mormon doctrine to justify herself"

I would add that if she has already cheated on you twice, well A) YOU should leave her and B ) she should've be excommunicated by now, she isn't a 'good mormon' at all. They probably haven't yet because of her mental state but it doesn't help anyone to not do so either.

[MarginOfError]

Her bishop should be doing everything within his power to preserve your marriage. If he's following the principles our leaders are taught, he would be helping her arrange her financial affairs so that she could meet all of her obligations. We do not believe it to be right or just to simply ignore our financial obligations so that we can pay tithing.

My guess would be that her bishop is as flustered as you are. I know you probably still love this woman, but if everything you say is true, the she's--quite frankly--completely nutso.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Please know that the Church would never condone this kind of behavior and that local leaders (and us) are willing to do everything in our power to help you. We really don't care if you're LDS or not.

[Charlyc]

Originally Posted by Karl_Withakay

I'm not as acquainted with the bible as I once was but doesn't it say somewhere as far as tithing goes that if one cannot give from their heart (if they feel stressed because of giving), then they shouldn't give. My wife has less than $700 a month coming in and is expected to give 10% of that to the church. She can't afford it. She gives about $10 a month. Well her Bishop sat her down and had the 10% talk with her and said a lot of things that made her feel OBLIGATED to give a full 10%

If he said that, ie she isn't making it up, then that bishop is out of line. I was trained to do the opposite in situations like this, to avoid more stress in the marriage first.

By the way Paul answers your question on marriage, to not divorce because of the church if they get along, but after two incidents of cheating, obviously the couple doesn't function and you as the faithful spouse can leave her because of her adultery, as Jesus explained.