My never ending struggle...

[Starberry]

I copied this off of another forum I go to. this should explain. I did make a topic a little like this one a long time ago on here, but i need to makea better one. I'm still in pretty big trouble.

So almost my whole life I have struggled with addiction to sexual feeling. Masturbation in general. I started very young and didn't really know just how bad it was until 2 years ago when i asked some people in this LDS club i'm in on this one website I go to.. A few weeks later I went to the bishop for the first time. I have been seeing the bishop for almost 2 years now and I'm no better off than I was 2 years ago. I made a breakthrough for about 2 months not to long ago but I have had a major relapse into my old habits and I've even on occasion started to watch porn, mostly anime stuff (hentai).

I just don't know how to stop, I have no friends and i dont make then easily I dont feel confortable around people i have never felt that great aroud people. I have lost every best friend or friend i've ever had so its become a turn off to get close to people or be around them in general. The only one that knows about this besides my bishop is my mom and she is allways at work. all my family members are allways at work or at school. I am usually at home with nothing else to do but go on the internet.

I am very afraid of the outside, i have tried to go out so many times but i get so scared of everything. I have toldmy mom this but she just says that I need to get over it but its not that simple.

I have never really been strong so far as spiritualy but i have allways gone t church , i usually miss the ward activities and such. I am really bad at saying prayers, I just don't know how to talk to god its so hard for me. I suppose I am afraid to get close to God and Jesus. It erally hard to admit that actually. I just dont know how to become stronger and overcome this addiction and m spiritual problems. I ALMOST have an addiction to porn as wel but i dont think i have quite gone over that line yet. I dont now what to do. If i slip that out to my bishop he might tell me to stay off the internet and i cant do that because its the only thng i have right now. its the only connection to the world i have, i feel so alone without it.

I am soooo lost.

Another post i made on another forum.

Its just that I have this thick sheet of ice around my heart, this protective shield. I'm afraid to let anyone in even God. Or rather i dont really get how to let God in its so incredibly hard for me. I'm not in school, I cant drive so i can't go anywhere because i have no money to take the bus and I'm terrified of the bus anyway. Every time I try to pray better I get embarassed and scared and nervous. I'm not getting anywhere. Prayer is the key element and its my hardest element.

And I really don't have any true desire to stop what I'm doing but I know I should. I should feel guilty but i don't, and I should really not want to do these things but I just don't even though I wish I did. I'm so far away from God now I feel almost no remorse, no guilt for what I've been doing. Its so hard. I WANT to feel that stuff! its a big part of being able to get over an addiction like this. I don't think i'll be able to feel more until i can talk with God more efficently, its just so HARD to talk to him, to communicate with him! i can't even communicate with people around me, not even m own family.

And als I have noticed that before do and look at these things I usualy feel frusterated, or am i a bad spirit, or am sad, o or angry, etc. Sometimes I just do it to be rebellious, like I'm angry at God or something, or like I'm angry at everyone. Like my bishop gave a talk about the dangers of technology a few weeks ago, anyway right after church I went home and di exactly what he told us not to do. And i laughed about it at the time and didn't even give ita second thought. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me!

NOTE: besides the things I mentioned here I have also took up masturating inside the church building in the bathroom, and i have sort of started skipping meetings in order to do this, and or just skip just because i fee like it.

I'm terrifed of seeing my bishop, i've only talked to him twice within the last year. i just cant face him. I'm in SO much trouble.

[Misshalfway]

Hello Starberry. You have lots of heavy on your mind, don't you? This is one of those posts that I wish I could give in person so that you could feel and see the smile and safe understanding of another real breathing person who may know a little about the road you are currently traveling.

I don't wanna make this post any longer than it needs to be so I will try to be direct and concise.

First, yes you have problems. But it might help if you looked at your problems in their proper and truthful porportions. Fears are funny things. The story they tell us is SO convincing! And we start believing things that perhaps aren't accurate or true or complete about the nature of our problems or mistakes we make or the kind of person we are or the way God sees us after we blow it. And then that fear makes us back away to protect ourselves cuz its so awful and so inexcusable. And so we stop praying or interacting with people or interacting properly with ourselves even. And we get angry or apathetic or depressed and lash out or use or quit trying.

Start dealing with your list of difficulties by making yourself two fundamental promises.

First, only deal with yourself and your problems in truth.

Second, only deal with yourself and your problems in kindness.

If you do these two basic things, you will prevent some of Satan's best manuvers as he lies to us about the nature of who we are and what our problems or weaknesses mean.

The kindness part thwarts what Satan tells us to do about our horribleness and unloveableness and shame too. You see, he wants us to beat the heck out of ourselves and isolate and lower our heads. And he wants us to do that again and again and again....
Kindness silences all those tendancies and brings in the big guns of real healing and real freedom.

Now. These two promises take some work and commitment and practice. BUT....they really really help get a person into a headspace where real progress can be made.

Satans way is the tar baby way. We flail about in scorching pain and exhausting effort only to find that we are in deeper in than when we started. You see that? I hope so. Because that is what truth does. It shines light on what's really going on.

Sweetie, you got some pain inside of you. I don't know where it came from or why it started. That is your work to unwind it. But let me tell you that there is hope and healing and help. You don't have to do this alone. BUT...you do have to drive the ship. You have to get yourself to a good therapist or support group. You have to get yourself educated not only about the viable solutions but about the inner workings of your thought-action process. And you gotta stop making excuses or listing all the reasons you can't help yourself. Basically, you gotta start getting out of your own way.

And you gotta learn how to love yourself. You gotta know what that looks like and how it feels to do it. Sounds trite, doesn't it? Just love yourself.....Duh! But I am hoping that you will trust that the simpleness of the statement can in no way undermind the power of what I am really saying. You see.... once you obtain some of those fundamental gems of love knowledge and you get them written on the very center of the soul inside you....then you will start to have a space open up where you can recognize the love of God and embrace who you really are and start to free yourself from the pain that holds you captive.

Well, that's enough for today.

[mormonmusic]

Starberry -- how's your self-esteem? I think the root cause of a lot of problems like these comes from poor self-esteem.

[Starberry]

I really liked your advice, I think it will help me a lot.

and yeah I do have self esteem issues. and i have hygene issues, and mind issues, I just plain have a lot of problems.

I thought I was doing good, I thought I was doing good enough, until 2 years ago when I started admitting my faults.when it comes to these problems I just find myself lost and confused. I've allways been in darkness ever since I can remember, allways had trouble thinking about good things, and keeping alll the bad stuff out. Even as a child I would think of stuff and fantasize about stuff that would make other people feel sick to their stomach. I've allways sturuggled with everything, school, friends, social life in general.

I've allways avoided responsability whenever I could in any form, talks, schoolwork, callings, responsability in general i've ignored and disregarded all of them withou feeling a thing. I know this is bad.

I'm really thankful I've never had to deal with peer preasure.

and I've managed to avoid bad music almost altogether.

I've been froze, stuck, in every sense of the word even in the physical. I dont think i'l be able to change in any sense until i can conquer these problems of mine, these issues.

[mormonmusic]

Starberry:

First, you might try to find a counselor, maybe someone at LDS Social Services -- your Bishop could refer you there if you share details. They can help counsel you in self-esteem.

There is a also a book you should read, written by a Church author:

Amazon.com: Getting to Know the Real You (9780875793191): Sterling G. Ellsworth: Books

Don't let the title put you off. It uses this premise -- our Spirits have to learn to love themselves. When you feel unloved, you often turn to false sources that bring temporary peace to the Spirit, such as physical pleasure, complaining, backbiting, negative thinking, defying authority, sin, etcetera. These things provide a temporary pay-off to your spirit that makes you feel better for a bit, but then only creates greater desires for more of these unhealthy sources of "love".

The book explains how to find eternal sources of self-love, how to turn your back on the sick sources of love, and how to generate self-esteem that will help you feel at peace. That book helped me a lot. Funny, I too struggled with self-esteem issues in my youth and teenage years.

I've overcome many of them over the years, and I turn to that book when I have relapses. Fortunately, that hasn't happened in years as I've practiced these principles.

I hope this helps. Remember, there's a better, happier life if you can alter your thinking and the targets you set for making your spirit feel better.....

[Vort]

A few thoughts for your consideration:

• Every normal boy experiences masturbation at some point in his life. Every normal boy. I would be surprised if there are any exceptions; and even if you can find the one in a million who somehow avoids it, that does not invalidate the general rule. When your equipment is all external and just happens to be at hand level, it's unavoidable. Even girls often masturbate, for the most part without the overt mechanical or chemical inducements that boys deal with. It is part of the human condition. Masturbation is not the end of the world.
• That said, you are right to acknowledge that it is not a good thing. Consider this an opportunity for you to learn some important self-discipline.
• I have it on very good authority that masturbation among adults (especially men), like porn usage, is primarily an outlet for stress rather than a sexual expression. Because of this, you can even find married men who masturbate (!). Reducing stress and/or redirecting the stress coping mechanism can help you with such things.
• There are people who are unable to experience or enjoy sexual things. You are among the fortunate folks who can. Part of that blessing is the responsibility to deal with the care and use of your equipment. Don't fret about it, just figure out where you want to go. Sometimes, it is as easy as saying, "This I will not do." Other times it might be more difficult, but it's still the same general principle.

[Still_Small_Voice]

Just two points I want to repeat that I think have already been stated in previous posts.

Your sex drive is not evil, but good if it is properly restrained. When you marry the right woman it
will become a joyful, good and bonding experience for both of you.

God gives us trials so we can overcome them. As you learn to master your passions it will become
easier to say no to temptation. It may take years, but keep going to church, keep reading your scriptures,
praying and keep trying. You will only be defeated when you decide to just give up and not try anymore.

[KairosDrasis]

This one hit home, so this is going to be a long post

It's almost spooky how your story is like my own 2 or 3 years ago. Let me first tell you that it is possible to overcome this adversity. I had this problem since I was 12, making 7 years of a bad habit. Luckily with help for my bishop I got over it

First of all you seem to have three problems. One with masterbation, another with hentai. It also seems that you have some sort of Avoidant Personality Disorder, which from your post makes life harder, leading you back to sexual problems. You need to focus on this before you get rid of your other problems.

I don't know where you and your family is financially, but sit down your mother and tell her about this anxiety of other people. I know last time she just say you can "get over it" but make sure to sit her down and that she understands this is a real problem for you. If you feel too embarrassed about talking to her, just print out what you have typed and leave it somewhere, where you know she will read it. The main point here is to conquer your fear and be trusting. I believe Therapy is generally used to fix this kind of behavior. Don't feel embarrassed. Everyone has their own problems to deal with. (I know I have a ton of my own... I can't even answer a phone, or make a call without a long perpetration... and I still freak out when I'm on it)

--------------

Moving on to the sexual problems. Hentai just reinforces masturbation. I would be extremely surprised if you were able to stop masturbation but continue looking at porn, so the hentai needs to stop first. If you are like (younger) me, you probably have some saved to your computer or on a hard copy. I recommend just getting rid of it now. Either delete it and empty your recycling bin, or snap the cd in half. This was extremely difficult for me, but it is a necessary step. The truth is that you won't be happy about loosing it for a couple of days, but eventually you'll see how it helps.

Next is to locate how you get this stuff into your life. If it is a certain site or torrents then don't visit that site anymore. If the desire is too great, purchase a web-filtering software, and have your mother put in a password. Put the computer in a public room without doors

When you conquer the porn, the masturbation (while still being hard) gets easier. A tip that I have found true in my own life is that quitting cold turkey won't work. You will get sexually anxious, and will not succeed. Space out the times that you do it until you can kill the habit. adding an additional day between times that I did it, every week worked for me. Make some sort of plan, use a calander, whatever you think will work for you.

--------------

Another thing that I would like to talk about is your fear of your bishop. He is there to help you, not condemn you. Satan wants us to think that we cannot repent, or that you will get into major trouble. The truth is that you are currently in trouble. Your bishop can help you out of it. You said you saw your bishop twice in 2 years, and you still have this problem. Did you lie about things, because generally a bishop would make more appointments than once a year about something like this. Trust your bishop. He is only there to help. There is much worse you could have done, and there shouldn't be any punishment other than loss of a temple recommend. There is nothing to fear about talking to him (other than some slight embarrassment, but it will be fine)

--------------

Lastly you talked about relapsing into your old habits. This will be a problem that you will probably have to deal with most of your life. I relapsed into it probably 3 or 4 times before I made the commitment to stop to go on my mission. It is hard for me. It will be hard for you, but it is doable. An internet study shows that when people try to quit masturbation/porn, boredom is the usual problem that makes them fail. Buy a video game, get a hobby, do something to take up your time. If you feel like you are about to make a mistake, Immediate shut off the computer or walk away from the situation. Do not ponder about if you want to sin or not. I've found that 90% that I consider it, I tended to do it. Escaping porn is easier than escaping masturbation because while porn can be thrown away, filtered, or delete, you will always have the temptation of masturbation. Recognize when you have these feelings and know that you can overcome it. Use prayer and scripture study to receive guidance on these things

I hope that I've helped in some way, and I pray that you can overcome this. I will leave you with my favorite scripture that help me decide to be sexually clean:

Originally Posted by Alma 36:17-21

17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.

I know that though the atonement everyone can repent and overcome sin. To feel that joy of repentance! As Alma overcame his sins, and I overcame mine, I know that you can do it too. It won't be easy, but the feeling of cleanliness and being guilt-free is well worth it.

Kairos

[ZionHeart]

OK. My two cents.

number 1. Go easy on yourself. Yeah masturbation is bad, but its not THAT bad. every male struggles at times with their sexuality (even those of us who are married). As mentioned above the adversary loves to get you to do something and then get you to beat yourself up over it. Realize that while its something that kills the spirit and is not pleasing to God, it is just something you have to work on. Boyd K. Packer said its not something God will cut you off for. This will go a long way towards helping you to control it. You have to break that downward spiral.
number 2. your thoughts are the key to the problem. if you kill sexual thoughts you will find that it is a lot easier to resist the urges. As mentioned above the porn has to go first because if fuels your thoughts. Study the gospel as much as you can. Make a sacrifice in your life and only listen to church music and the scriptures until you are comfortable that you are doing well. Fill your life with gospel input.
number 3. Pray. if you want to beat this (and believe me you do) then you have to pray.
The key to your problem is the atonement. You have to learn to let go. Let go of your pain and your problems and to give them to the Saviour. Not with your lips but with your heart. He will take your burden but you have to be willing to let go of it.
Ether 12:27
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
I struggled to understand this scripture for most of my life. The key is to humble yourself and to have true faith in Christ. It really works. If you can get a hold of the book 'Believing Christ' by Stephen E. Robinson then read it. It will really help you understand how His grace can help you.
number 4. Get professional help. A good councilor can really help you get your head around things - the church also has an addiction recovery program that by all accounts is fantastic for helping people like you. Your Bishop might not be a professional but he is able to receive inspiration on your behalf so use him too.

I hope you can get out of your situation (the reality is you probably cant do it on your own - you need the Lord to help you) - i feel for you as all of us here do. good luck and God bless

[bytor2112]

Every normal boy experiences masturbation at some point in his life. Every normal boy.

Vort....I think Starberry is a young woman, not a boy.