Always Wrong

Dror · #1 (**permalink**) 11-23-2005, 03:46 PM

I'm a married man who did some very bad things and hurt my wife. We are now separated, trying to work things out. The problem is that whenever my wife and I have a disagreement, or she has a concern, I am always wrong by default, because of what I did in the past. It seems to me like she uses my past wrongdoings as a sort of trump card, to win any argument, to get her way at any time.

I think I'm repentant--at least I'm trying. I do sincerely regret the things I've done and am working on overcoming them, but it seems like this use of my sins to win an argument or to manipulate me, even during discussions of apparently unrelated things (like Thanksgiving Day plans, for example) is counterproductive, inhibits communication, and gets in the way of working things out. Maybe it's a reaction (perhaps overreaction?) to what I did.

It makes me feel very guilty to complain about this--after all, I was originally in the wrong--but it hurts. I want so badly to make it up to her, and for our relationship to work, but I can only take so much. I don't know what to do.

BenRaines · #2 (**permalink**) 11-23-2005, 04:06 PM

There is a great talk given about our responsibilities as priesthood holders and husbands. It can be found at www.lds.org under gospel library and conference reports and look for President Hinkley's talk from October 1991.

I have not personally experienced what you are going through but I have counseled couples that have and it takes a long time and lots of counseling. You have to be willing to have patience and she has to be willing to forgive. While the wounds are fresh from the hurt she has felt it will take some time for it to heal. How long? Who knows it depends on each person and your willingness to do whatever she asks if you want to make it work. You are coming from a weakend position after hurting her. Good luck and hopefully she is willing to forgive as you are to change and earn her trust.

Dror · #3 (**permalink**) 11-23-2005, 05:31 PM

Thank you, BenRaines.

DisRuptive1 · #4 (**permalink**) 11-23-2005, 08:24 PM

Just act like a man when she's around. If she can't take it find someone else. The first person you marry isn't always your soul mate.

Setheus · #5 (**permalink**) 11-23-2005, 09:16 PM

I'll give you all 3 guesses as to wheather DisRuptive1 is STILL single.

Dis, you're always giving out this kind of advise yet you CONSTANTLY are hounding me about how would I go about asking this certain girl out...or that girl, or what about this other girl....

how can u give marriage advice when you're still akward about even asking a girl for a date?

Justlooking · #6 (**permalink**) 11-23-2005, 11:03 PM

Sometimes, some pains dont heal as fast as we would like them to. Expecially when it comes to matters of the heart.

The subconcious works in such a way as to either fight or fly to avoid further harm. So when a situation presents itself and looks like something that caused pain the the past, the first response is to react using what we know to avoid what we fear is coming at us again.

For example, lets say you were once burned on a hot stove. Your mind will associate the stove with pain, and you will avoid it at all costs.

However, until you realize that the stove isnt always on, that it doesnt always burn, and that in fact, stoves are good and useful for preparation of food for nurishment, you will instinctivley react negatively to anything that looks like, smells like, or resembles a stove.

Your wife has been thru alot. What she needs is reassurance that things have changed. Share your testimony with her about what God has done for you. Pray for her to be healed of the internal wounds. Above her make it very clear that you love her.

I cant stress enought how much a woman needs to know that she is loved. Most men think these mere words can go unspoken, due to the wonderful stuff they do for the women in their lives. Yes, it goes noticed and sadly sometimes taken for granted. But nothing in the world can take the place of the 3 simple words...
I love you.

aurora · #7 (**permalink**) 11-24-2005, 03:17 AM

Hi Dror

First of all if you are really doing your best to over-come your problems, Then brilliant that is the first step.
However even though you and your wife have been through the same thing, you are both on different journeys.

You have (by your words) done wrong and she is the wronged. they conjure up totally different emotions, which need to be dealt with in different ways. This does not mean that you can not work through this together.
You need to understand there where you feel guilt and sadness for your actions she feels frustration, anger and hurt.

You have to do anything you can to comfort her whilst she goes through this period. This does not mean that she can manipulate you as this is also wrong and if you continue to allow her to do this out of your own guilt it will become common-place behaviour in the marriage.

You need to sit down and let her vent her frustrations in a calm way and not interrupt her, set a time limit e.g. "honey for the next half hour please tell me how you feel about everything that has gone on, I will not interrupt or argue with you"
Then swap and ask her to do the same for you

Are you in couples counselling? It would be a good idea if you aren't.

Give her reassurances and tell her how you genuinely feel about her and allow her the time to hurt and heal.

Good luck and i hope that things work out for the best for you both

Lindy · #8 (**permalink**) 11-24-2005, 03:58 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Dror@Nov 23 2005, 02:46 PM
I'm a married man who did some very bad things and hurt my wife. We are now separated, trying to work things out. The problem is that whenever my wife and I have a disagreement, or she has a concern, I am always wrong by default, because of what I did in the past. It seems to me like she uses my past wrongdoings as a sort of trump card, to win any argument, to get her way at any time.

I think I'm repentant--at least I'm trying. I do sincerely regret the things I've done and am working on overcoming them, but it seems like this use of my sins to win an argument or to manipulate me, even during discussions of apparently unrelated things (like Thanksgiving Day plans, for example) is counterproductive, inhibits communication, and gets in the way of working things out. Maybe it's a reaction (perhaps overreaction?) to what I did.

It makes me feel very guilty to complain about this--after all, I was originally in the wrong--but it hurts. I want so badly to make it up to her, and for our relationship to work, but I can only take so much. I don't know what to do.*

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Dror~ sincerely regretting past sins is the only way, and trying to get past (or through) the repentance process is what you need for you. She needs to come to terms with things in her own way....trust is a very precious thing, and it takes a while to build back up.

I agree with a lot of what the others have said...but I really have to agree with what Ben says about the willingness to have patience, and that she has to be willing to forgive. A lot of women deal with hurt a lot of differnt ways. It really sounds like she is just trying to hurt you (by throwing things back at you) because she hurts so bad inside. Might not be right, but it might be the only outlet she has right now. I suggest you keep strong in your prayers...and keep asking for patience... and a prayer for her wouldn't hurt either. I also wish you luck in things working out for the best.
Hang in there.

Josie · #9 (**permalink**) 11-24-2005, 10:26 AM

Dror, There is some great advice here. Plenty of good advice.

Dror, broken trust is probably one of the hardest things to gain back. There is always that fear, and when trust is lost, it blinds us to the truth that really does exist, sometimes... You notice I am speaking from experience.

Ben's suggestion of counseling, patience, and love are very important. It may be something that you and her probably can not handle alone. If her own confidence is low or injured, it will be harder for her to trust again.

I think, especially in our LDS culture, we as women tend to look to the man for leadership, protection, and security, along with many other things of course. I see you are LDS, don't forget your Bishop and his counsel and understanding.

You and her do need to talk, both with an counselor and alone. The two of you need to learn to trust and feel comfortable again and in the beginning it may take a counselor or someone to help both of you see what the other is going through. I think she does need to be able to tell you the hurt you caused her, she probably has the need to let that out to you. But, she also has to let it go for the two of you to have a chance to make it. Patience will be a must on your part and her forgiving you will be a must on her side.

Sometimes we have to crawl before we can walk in restoring a relationship. The idea is to get to the place that we can actually run in it. But it starts with baby steps forward, and sometimes we may feel like we are falling more than we are standing, but we have to keep persisting. If you truly love her, your time and effort will be worth it, if she is willing to give you a chance. You both need to share your feelings with one another and that may take many hours of listening to her hurt and pain to get it out.

Your actions will speak much louder than your words right now... But, your words to her are going to be extremely important and that you stand behind what you say. In other words, you cannot tell her that you love her and then take her head off everytime she cries about the past. Healing takes much longer than the wreck that caused it... Show her that you truly do love her and wish to restore what you once had with her.

Laureltree · #10 (**permalink**) 11-28-2005, 05:35 PM

Thank you for writing this. I myself have recently dealt with the same situation, What you wrote help me understand my husbands side so maybe I can help you hear hers. When my husband did what he had done I felt abandon, scared,humiliated,angery,lied to, unsafe, and broken. I couldn't understand for the life of me why someone who sealed themselves to me for an eternity could do that. I kept looking for an answer to explain the pain I felt, was it my weight, my appearance, did I do something or say something wrong. I blamed my self for so.... much and yet screamed at him even more because I couldn't find an answer that made it acceptable or that would make it justifiable. When we would talk about it I was angery very angery and it would be my weapon when I felt I wasn't being heard. We both wanted the romance that you have when you are first married, he wanted the "Romance Part" Woman want that to...But I wanted the flowers, the poems, the cards, the sweet flirtation we use to share. I couldn't get past his problem because I hadn't seen the changes I was looking for.....1.) him sobbing I'm sorry I'm Sorry, and my twitter paited, flirtatouse husband back....
But what I forgot was that in a change of heart, he changes spiritually first and then comes Mr Romance in time, Around the same time it took me to say......."Forgive me, for being stubborn, angery, bitter, and hurtful"
It was hard for me to say it because I felt why should I have to fix everything, I'm not the one who was wrong, but I was....I was just like the prodicals son. I wasn't willing to forgive.................And with out forgiveness, eternal marriages cannot survive. Dror, Tell your wife with all your heart what she means to you, and treasure her everyday like it's your last, and tell her I said the same for her........Forgiveness is easy when someones dying, why is it different if they are just lying?

Hugs and Prayers to the two of you.....[/