Scared

[Alias29]

I've never posted, so here it is....

To make a long story, well...I guess long...Very bad marriage.

I married my husband 7 years ago. It was the right thing to do, supposedly. I had only been a member for a year. A year into it he started to get mean. We went to the temple and were sealed to our first child. And then, he went inactive almost immediately. He got more and more aggressive, and soon I started becoming that way. He would scream and yell and say the most awful things...the cops would come and it was all over. Then he really beat me up, and ran from the cops. I helped him get it expunged because my bishop told me that my husband was just misunderstood. He didn't seem to think much one way or the other about getting beaten. I started beating back after that, getting really angry and fighting back so he would leave me alone before he started to hit.
In february he clocked me in the face because he was angry about losing his grandfather. Somehow in the cycle of life, everything that happens is my doing.
He joined the military 3 years ago and he's been heartless ever since. Finally, after 3 different bishops advice ("you are just opinionated" and "divorce is ugly-think it over") I decided I didn't care anymore. Apparently God hated me because my every attempt was pushed aside. In July I asked for a divorce-he refused to sign the papers. I am a stay at home mom with no education, no resources and no money. I cannot fight him on it. He refuses to take the divorce class made mandatory by the state-yet another fight I cannot win. I was so incredibly depressed. I walked around in a dreamlike state, not eating for days. I simply didn't care to live. And when my husbands friend approached me to ease the pain, I didn't care anymore, and I let him.
My husband begged me to stay after he found out. Claimed he would go to counseling (which I desperately need now) and professed his undying love and desire to change. It's December and he still hasn't gone. He quit taking his depression meds that help with his temper. On the 3rd we went to a Christmas party where he promptly engaged in a 3 hour conversation with another married woman. I didn't mind, but he wouldn't talk to me at all. Later, I explained that it was hurtful when he ignored me. He got mad and left yesterday and has not come back. I spoke with him on the phone, and he told me that the guys on base said what he did was fine, so I have no right to be hurt. He hung up on me and will not return calls or answer his phone.
We have a 6 year old autistic with no speech, a 5 year old with severe delays and ADHD, and our 2 year old has a rare blood disease which we battle daily. I am in school full time and he admits to purposely trying to make me fail by taking away study time and leaving me with the kids so I can't finish homework. I am already failing a class because he's never here to watch them so I can go. I want to better myself so I can provide for my children. I realize God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but when will I feel some relief? I have not been allowed to pay tithing for 5 years because " it's not my money" and " tithing is for rich people". I really want to repent and straighten out. I have not gone to my bishop yet about my dealings with my husbands friend because I just moved here and I haven't even met him. Not a great start. I just want this to go away. I tried to talk to his father who became equally abusive and aggressive. My family lives in Florida and Michigan. I haven't had any friends since I married him because he doesn't believe I need them. I feel like a servant because that's how our marriage is. He goes to work and that's it. I do everything else.
I'm wondering if God just gave up on me. I'm scared to be alone because I'm not sure how I'll survive. And my biggest fear: Who will ever want me, once this is over? I am damaged goods, not to mention the terrible sin I committed. I'm scared and ready to fall apart.
Any advice?
P.S. Please DisRuptive, I've read your replies. Advice like yours might eventually give you carpal tunnel. I'd watch it if I were you...

[Josie]

Okay, free advice is worth about as much as you pay for it. But, here goes...

Question: If you took the children and went to stay with some of your family, would they help you? I know you have and continue to go through alot, but you have 3 children to think about. They all have special needs, have you thought about what all of this is doing to them? I assume you have, that is part of being a mother... They already have strikes against them, coming into the world with special needs, when this is added upon them, they don't have much of a chance.

Believe me, I speak from more experience than I will even go into here. With Special needs children and an abusive husband. I am not speaking in what I would do ifs.... When someone starts abusing, they do not stop and there is no excuse for it physically, mentally, or emotionally. Not for you or him. You both need help, but you are not getting it where you are. You say you are afraid to be alone, you already are alone. You take care of the children and everything else yourself, while he is gone.

You know that your relationship with another man goes against every covenant you made in the temple. The Lord cannot help you, if you are not willing to help yourself. I know that may sound harsh and you may think you are doing all you can.

Does your family know your circumstances? Do they know what he is doing to you? I do not understand Bishops telling you to stay in a relationship like this, if you have told them how abusive he is. The church teaches that abuse is not tolerated nor acceptable. But you cannot be abusive either. You need to get you and your children out of this situation. That is the first thing you need to do. Ask your family for help and go to them. Don't allow your children to go through this any longer. You still have a chance to work with your kids and bring them up in the right manner and stop the cycle of violence. But you have to make decisions and start moving in that direction now.

[Newt132]

I'm not LDS, and the experience I've had with the Mormon church is limited to family get togethers. I am a Christian though, and do believe that God will only give you what you can handle. Abusive, controlling relationships can be hard to be in, and even harder to get out of. But God is there with you, watching over you and helping you through everything. After all this is over, there will be someone who wants you and will love you the way you deserve. Talk with people you know, you mentioned you were in school full-time, do they have a councelling centre you could visit? They might be able to help you, spiritually, with you husband and with yourself. You can't lose hope, no matter what happens. God hasn't given up on you, he's still there and will always be there. Don't give up, you will get through this.

[DisRuptive1]

You failed to state how long you knew him and were intimate with him before you married him. But it's your fault for not leaving.

Hit me once, shame on you.
Hit me again, shame on me.
Hit me again, shame on me.
Hit me again, shame on me.

[Alias29]

I am posting to a reply, but not sure if I'm doing it right. Here goes nothing...

Josie, thanks for the fast response.
Surely I'm not doing all that I can because if I was things would be different. I'm not sure how to go about this at all. I am working on a divorce currently. He is not in the home at present, he stays on the Army base. He just won't agree to divorce.
As far as my family goes, the reason I'm not there is because members are scarce. My parents aren't members and they have different views on the way kids should be raised. I was trying to stay here in utah so that I could build a good circle of active LDS friends. I really need a .... mentor. A motherly figure (that sounds ridiculous, I know) I'm almost 30 years old and I need a mother figure...great :P .........feeling stupid now...
anyways. I plan to go to the Bishop as soon as I find out who he is. I haven't been to church here because I just moved in. However, I am a bit worried that it's going to be the same as the last bishops. Truly, they did say abuse is not acceptable, but they also regarded divorcing him as taboo. I was really confused by that. I want to do the right thing and I can't seem to figure out what the right thing is. So, I will take your advice and see the bishop here. I am saddened by my inability to keep my covenants. So, ashamed...you could hardly imagine. I let this whole thing drag me down to the black bottoms. That's why I joined this website; to surround myself with good, active LDS and Christian people (not to separate the two)
Newt: thanks for the encouragment, I needed that. I feel weak when I say I've been hurt. It's good to get a nice pick me up.
Thanks again, for the fast return. By the way, does anybody have any ideas on how to approach the bishop since I haven't met him yet? I don't want to walk in and slap that on him directly.

[Alias29]

Thanks Disruptive1. I knew I'd hear from you.
tI didn't fail to mention these things I just didn't think the timeline was important.
however, to answer your questions (because I value your responses even though they are EVIL)
1. I knew him for about 9 months before I married him.
2. I was intimate with him for about 2 months before we married. I gave him the ultimatum - either we get married or it's over - hence getting married because it's the right thing to do.

I would like to state now that leaving is easier said than done. There are millions of women who stay in these situations for millions of reasons. I did so far because I'm not sure how to approach the situation...I'm scared of him-he is unstable. My kids have not been witness to our issues (thank heavens) and I do my best to hide any contention. I just want to find the best way, the easiest and least painful way.

And yes, shame on me. Trust me, I feel it every day. I'm not asking for anyone to support the decisions I've made. I take full responsibility for what I did.

**I lay my head to the guillotine**

[eleigh1977]

God didn't give up on you...you gave up on you.

However you can change that. No one should stay in an abusive relationship.

If you have family in Florida or Michigan...call them. Tell them you need a place to go. There are women and children shelters that will take you OUT of situations like this...and help you on the road to divorce. You don't need him to sign to get divorced....you can do it...it will just take longer.

I suggest calling your family and telling them, regardless of how embarassed you are...

Oh, and no matter how much you think you are hiding this from your kids, you aren't. They deserve a safe and loving atmosphere to grow up in. It's obviously not the situation you are in now.

You have to get out and get you and your kids seperated from this. It doesn't mean you HAVE to get divorced....but it does mean your husband will know you are serious. If you fear for your life...then don't you think that is a little red flag??

http://www.now.org/chapters/states.html

http://www.gentlespirit.com/margins/marghelp.html

http://www.womenslaw.org/

http://www.batteredmothers.org/services.html



Someone may be able to help you out, if you click on one of these links...

[Lindy]

Alias...get your head off that chopping block girl! :P
You are woman!...you are mother! you are LDS! A great combination that I can think of! You need to stop beating yourself for the things you've done...it's done, it happened, you want to make it better...
No one needs to take the abuse (physical or mental) from any man, or woman, but you have that will to change and be the best you can be. That's the start you need, and the willingness to go see the bishop....second best step.
The best thing I can suggest is to hit your knees and pray like you have never prayed before, let it go...pass it on to God and ask for His help to see you through.
You need the strength and the support of your Heavenly Father, cause you know you can't do this alone. You need to draw on Him daily for strength and comfort for your heart, so keep that communication line open.
Keep close to your scriptures, your church, and your children. But you really need to find an outlet for some of the stress and grief you are feeling. You can't keep it bottled up inside... it will do you more harm than good.
Lots of agencies out there to help, but you need to be willing to ask for the help...You need to take care of YOU, because you have children depending on you, and you can do it. It will just take faith, time, strength, patience and the I can do it attitude......

YOU CAN DO IT!

[BenRaines]

Bishops have people come to them all the time for the first time and lay this type of thing on them. There is no social protocol that you have to get aquainted with the Bishop first and have a few visits with him.

If what you say is true your husband needs to go to the Bishop also and it will most likely be referred to the Stake President and the Stake High Council. The General Authorities have spoken of abuse and no man in the church honors his priesthood or membership who abuses his wife or children.

I love the scripture that says "Better these have a mill stone placed around their neck and dropped in to the sea" referring to those who abuse the innocent children. I believe that all the children are innocent and a result of how they were brought up. Now when they are older they are responsible no matter how they were brought up. As someone said in another post. He alone was responsible for his actions.

[Jason]

Originally posted by Alias29@Dec 5 2005, 08:44 PM
Finally, after 3 different bishops advice ("you are just opinionated" and "divorce is ugly-think it over") I decided I didn't care anymore. Apparently God hated me because my every attempt was pushed aside. In July I asked for a divorce-he refused to sign the papers. I am a stay at home mom with no education, no resources and no money. I cannot fight him on it. He refuses to take the divorce class made mandatory by the state-yet another fight I cannot win.* I was so incredibly depressed. I walked around in a dreamlike state, not eating for days. I simply didn't care to live. And when my husbands friend approached me to ease the pain, I didn't care anymore, and I let him.

Understandable. Don't blame yourself, you needed some love, and someone offered it too you. Probably most of the members of this board would have done likewise (even if they claim they wouldn't!).

My husband begged me to stay after he found out. Claimed he would go to counseling (which I desperately need now) and professed his undying love and desire to change. It's December and he still hasn't gone.

Maybe it's time to find another "friend" again?

He quit taking his depression meds that help with his temper. On the 3rd we went to a Christmas party where he promptly engaged in a 3 hour conversation with another married woman. I didn't mind, but he wouldn't talk to me at all. Later, I explained that it was hurtful when he ignored me. He got mad and left yesterday and has not come back. I spoke with him on the phone, and he told me that the guys on base said what he did was fine, so I have no right to be hurt. He hung up on me and will not return calls or answer his phone.

Stop calling him. He's trying to manipulate you. I promise, you stop calling him, he'll start calling you!

We have a 6 year old autistic with no speech, a 5 year old with severe delays and ADHD, and our 2 year old has a rare blood disease which we battle daily.

Are they in some type of state sponsored Child Care? If not, they should be. Nobody should expect you to shoulder this burden by yourself. The STATE can and will help you! Please contact them ASAP!

I am in school full time and he admits to purposely trying to make me fail by taking away study time and leaving me with the kids so I can't finish homework. I am already failing a class because he's never here to watch them so I can go. I want to better myself so I can provide for my children.

If your kids are in daycare/preschool, you can leave them there an extra hour or whatever so that you can complete your homework. And with your income, the $$ costs will be very low if anything at all.

I realize God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but when will I feel some relief?

Do you still believe that after all you've been through? I stopped believing that tripe a long time ago. Too many depressed and suicidal people out there for that to be true.

I'm wondering if God just gave up on me. I'm scared to be alone because I'm not sure how I'll survive.*

No, the Creator has not given up on you. S/he loves you just as much as anyone or anything else in the Universe. Perhaps you should look to the light?

And my biggest fear: Who will ever want me, once this is over? I am damaged goods, not to mention the terrible sin I committed. I'm scared and ready to fall apart.
Any advice?

Yeah, it's time to take out the garbage. That horrible and incorrect BS that is passed around to young women in the LDS church about "used goods" or the old "already been chewed gum" is a load of crap.

You are special and unique. Who you share your body with is nobody's ######in' business but yours. But do so wisely next time. That "friend" probably isn't intersted in helping you sort out and improve your life. He just wanted a release.

Good luck.