Help To Forgive

[aurora]

Hey

I'm looking for anyone who has any advice on forgiveness.
My husband and I got together 11 year ago (whilst I was less active) My husband was not a member. My husband was Sikh, for those of you unfamiliar the term Sikh it is an Indian religion. My husbands Parents were both from India. Against my husbands parents wishes he continued to date me, marry me and change religion.

His parent have really forgiven him for choosing me over them, nor me for being white. over the years my husband has had endless patience with them, considering the fact that when they found out we were dating they abused him physically and emotionally (he was 18 at the time) They disowned him and refused to accept me for the first two years we were married. They refused to come see there first Grandchild in the hospital because she was a girl. They have done nothing but belittle My husband over the years and time and time again he has returned.

However my mild mannered husband was pushed over the edge when yet another family visit resulted in them recounting all the so-called mistakes he had made and telling him that it was better that he would have died then changed religion. We walked out of the house and we have not returned, nor do we intend to after 11 years of hoping and praying that they would change they still believe that we were wrong to get together and all our children were a mistake.

We both know that we cannot allow our children to be around these toxic people anymore however, my husband cannot move on. He is being eaten up with jealousy , his younger brother also married a church member and converted and his father never mentions it, his testimony is suffering, he has no outside interests anymore all he does is go to college, go to work, go to church and thats it I can see him slowly fading in his health.

I should also mention that he has been medicated form depression for 6 /7years and last May began to make astounding progress and now he's like a shell. I feel so helpless. :dont know:

I would appreciate any advice you could give me about how he can maintain this distance but forgive them, for himself, so that he can let go of this grudge and move and be happy !!!

[jiggypoo]

It takes courage to share such a turbulent situation. I can relate to a point. My mother-in-law lives a lifestyle that I disagree with. She disagreed with her daughter marrying me. There were some contenious moments during our courtship over this.

Your husband is stuck between a rock and hard place. His depression is likely due to his self-image being dealt several serious blows. It may be time for him to take a stand and stake out a course. It sounds like He is second-guessing his decisions - allowing his flawed parents to dictate what is right and true. Personally, I would tell my parents to stick it and move on if they treated me with such disgust and disrespect. It would hurt, no doubt, but atleast I would defend myself - making it clear that their approach is reprehensible and intolerable.

In consideration of the parents - it sounds like they are reacting to the situation according to their personal beliefs and biases. I know missionaries who's parents take this approach if their son didn't fulfill their two year obligation of being the "perfect mormon". It is hypocritical and absurd.

I hope that your husband can come to accept his choices and see them as the correct ones, rather than allowing his parents to dictate truth and order. You nor he can change the parents. You can only change your perspective and grasp on the situation.

I hope this offers a path or some ideas that will help. Neither way is easy. But something must happen for you two to be a healthy, happy couple, regardless of the parent's approval or not.

[Alias29]

Aurora,
I am not the greatest person to give advice as I am saturated in my own many problems. However, i can relate to this in a way.
My inlaws cannot stand me and they are very abusive to my husband. His dad actually beat him up in front of my oldest son. My husband does not fight back. These are members of the church. Good, harworking, loyal followers...who work for the church. I realize how the problem can put strain on ones personal life and marriage.
What we did when all the problems started was leave them alone for a solid two years...no contact, no holidays...no nothing. And it worked. They have never attempted to aggravate or insult my husband after that. Of course, they still don't like me, but I couldn't care less about that. The good thing is that my husband gained the confidence he needed. He realized that he had no reason to accept that treatment (another thing I have no good reason to give advice on )
I forgive everyone because I'm to stupid to know any better. I rarely learn how to forgive AND step back, in order to stop bad treatment. But, it's easier to give good advice than it is to follow it.
Taking time away and making a great deal of space won't effect his ties to them, only their ability to hurt him. Constructive space is what most people need after being hurt. Larger hurts need more time, and lots more space.
This is just my experience. It worked without ever having a conversation about it with his family. We have never discussed it. We just did it, and actions speak much louder than words.
You may also want to check with his doctor on the meds. From what I understand, meds can get less effective after using the same one for a long time. Maybe it's time for a change. Also, check LDS services. maybe they have a counselor to help him hash out the problem within himself. I hope this helps.
Very good luck to the both of you.

[Jason]

Originally posted by aurora@Dec 6 2005, 08:35 AM
Hey

I'm looking for anyone who has any advice on forgiveness.
My husband and I got together 11 year ago (whilst I was less active) My husband was not a member. My husband was Sikh, for those of you unfamiliar the term Sikh it is an Indian religion. My husbands Parents were both from India. Against my husbands parents wishes he continued to date me, marry me and change religion.

His parent have really forgiven him for choosing me over them, nor me for being white. over the years my husband has had endless patience with them, considering the fact that when they found out we were dating they abused him physically and emotionally (he was 18 at the time) They disowned him and refused to accept me for the first two years we were married. They refused to come see there first Grandchild in the hospital because she was a girl. They have done nothing but belittle My husband over the years and time and time again he has returned.

However my mild mannered husband was pushed over the edge when yet another family visit resulted in them recounting all the so-called mistakes he had made and telling him that it was better that he would have died then changed religion. We walked out of the house and we have not returned, nor do we intend to after 11 years of hoping and praying that they would change they still believe that we were wrong to get together and all our children were a mistake.

We both know that we cannot allow our children to be around these toxic people anymore however, my husband cannot move on. He is being eaten up with jealousy , his younger brother also married a church member and converted* and his father never mentions it, his testimony is suffering, he has no outside interests anymore all he does is go to college, go to work, go to church and thats it I can see him slowly fading in his health.*

I should also mention that he has been medicated form depression for 6 /7years and last May began to make astounding progress and now he's like a shell. I feel so helpless.* :dont know:

I would appreciate any advice you could give me about how he can maintain this distance but forgive them, for himself, so that he can let go of this grudge and move and be happy !!!

[snapback]85375[/snapback]

Sikh's are supposed to be more accepting than that (from what I've read). Have you ever considered possibly studying their faith? Maybe talking about what you find that's good and then incorporating it into your family life? Perhaps if your in-laws see that you're not taking away the religion of your husband, but, as your prophet likes to say, adding what he has to what you have, they might feel more at ease? Do you have a copy of the "Adu Granth"? (PS. for those who don't know, the Adu Granth is one of the many books on my Amazon.com wish list. I'd be thrilled if anyone sent me something from it.)

All the Best.

[aurora]

Thanks for the advice guys, space is helping it has before, however it's the helping my husband to forgive them for their actions, so he can move on without this bitterness.

Jason: We did study my husbands faith quite in-depth before he decided to join the church, as we wanted to make sure he was making the right decision. (I was less active at the time ) And yes according to the Sikh religion they are supposed to be more accepting. However there is very thin drawn between culture and religion where his parents are concerned.

For example the caste system was supposedly abolished by the Sikhs. If your unfamiliar with it , it is a class system e.g if you are from a wealthy caste you must marry someone from the same caste, chosen for you by your parents, possibly someone you don't even know. The sign above their Temple door says (roughly translated) recognise ye the whole human race as one. This is clearly not the case with his parents.

Sikhims the actual religion when not confused with the culture, is a good religion infact a lot of it's principles are found in our church also, so we actually do live some of the sikh principles. We also make sure that our children are aware of their heritage and when they are a little older we will teach them about Sikhism as we think it's important for them to see where they came from. Our children wear traditional dress on special occasions, I have worn it as well, we eat western food as well as Indian food we have never tried to deny them their heritage. However my in-laws are not satisfied with this. Within their culture not only do you obey your parents without question before marriage but also after it too.

What can I say we have compromised a lot over the years, which I don't feel bitter about because at least we tried and gave them the chance to accept us but they don't and I don't suppose they ever will.

[Justlooking]

Basically, you have tried all you can do and then some to mend the bridges with your in laws. If they wont accept that you and your husband are married after 11 years and now have a family its their loss.

Mar 10:7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. 9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Now for the forgiving part its realitively easy and beneficial for you. First pray for them, that God open their eyes to the truth. Second, carrying, nursing, or harboring grudges have no good result to them. The last thing you want is to have the same negativity that they have inside. Plus they are the ones cheating themselves out of a family.

Isa 43:25 I, [even] I, [am] he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins.

[stellati]

I've also dealt with something similar to this. Although it didn't escalate into years. Hard for me to answer because I still hold a grudge against my sister in law but I am trying to forgive. Learn from my mistakes, just keep trying to be their friends. I'm sure if I had done that, I would be more accepting and on better terms with my sister in law. "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."