Wife's Birthday

[Dror]

Tomorrow is my wife's birthday, and she doesn't want to spend it with me. I just learned this this morning, and it's been hard to concentrate on work or anything else ever since. It feels like everything is falling apart.

This afternoon, I admitted to myself for the first time that I don't really like spending time with her, not as long as she constantly criticizes me and is angry with me. This realization scares me. Does it mean our marriage is doomed? I don't want it to be--I just want for us to get along with each other. They say that most suicidal people don't actually want to die, per se, but what they really want is to feel better. I want our marriage to live. I just can't bear much longer the kind of interactions we are having on a more or less continual basis--I want it to get better.

It's hard to make the effort necessary to improve a marriage when all you want to do is go home and crawl into bed.

[Justlooking]

Wow, it seems your situation has been simmering on the back burner for quite some time.

Do you know why she is upset and critical? That may be the key to mending the relationship.

Hang in there it will get better with some communication between the two of you.

You are in my prayers.

[Josie]

Dror,

I don't know if there is much that anyone here can say that is going to make you feel better or make things better for you. I really feel for you and your wife. It is going to take much patience on your part and much forgiveness from her, as well as you for yourself. I don't know if there are children involved, that always makes it harder and more difficult to handle.

If you are truly sincere, and you give the impression that you are, try to hang in there alittle longer. Let her have her day tomorrow and you take some time tomorrow thinking about what you want and need and how you can show her that you are sincere in your desire to make your marriage work. Not tomorrow, but after tomorrow, try to pick a time that you and her can sincerely talk and get your feelings out. Set the following rules, no shouting, no name calling, no accusing, just honest feelings and sincere needs from each other.

If you need someone to referee, maybe a Bishop or other trusted person. You both need to get your feelings out and talk about them, but the key is talking and not shouting. You both need to know what the other person is feeling and what you can do to help those feelings. And you need to know if she wants to continue this marriage.

I wish you all of God's blessings and hope for the future with your wife.

[Dror]

Yes, I know what she is upset and critical about. Oh, geez, I really want to write an intelligent reply here, but can't seem to come up with much to say! Thank you both, though, for your replies and your kindness. I get this way when thinking about my wife's concerns, how she presents them, how I react--I kind of lose my voice. I know for sure her feelings are valid, and that she has legitimate concerns, but something just doesn't feel right. I feel like she is not treating me right, either, but I can't put my finger on it. She may just be smarter than I am, and able to out-argue me. (Ok, I know she is smarter than I! Whether or not that makes her right is another question.) So, often I just feel terrible for being such a lousy husband, other times I feel hurt because she seems unfair and, well, maybe abusive in some way I can't really define, and other times I feel frustrated or even angry with her because of that, or angry/frustrated with myself for not being a better husband, for not being able to fix things, or for not being able to defend myself.

Afraid I'm getting incoherent, so I'd better quit for now.

Thanks again for your words--I don't know who to talk to, so your messages mean a lot.

[StrawberryFields]

You didn't say how long you have been married. I have been married almost 24 years and I can tell you that marriage is work. I also feel that when a marriage is struggling it's because of the selfishness of one or more of the parties. It sounds to me that the two of you are not communicating effectively. You may need someone to guide you through this. It's easy to forget that our spouses can't read our minds and so we need to talk often. Try to remember that when you married your formed a partnership with another person and that partnership has many layers to neglect one of the layers could lead to problems if you are not communicating.

Give her reasons to recall why she feel in love you you in the first place. It may be a good idea to court her all over again...marriage is work, love, trust, understanding and above all you must be able to laugh with each other.

Try to get her to talk to you about what she thinks is the problem and then follow Josie's advice about no shouting etc. It's always a good thing to actually hold the other person's hand when you are talking to them about such things of importance.

Good Luck.

P.S. Flowers might be a great gift delivered to her on her birthday.

[BenRaines]

If I recall from a previous post Dror was unfaithful to his wife and is trying to work his way back. If I am mistaken I am sorry. That is why his wife is unhappy with him.

Again if I am mistaken I am sorry.

[Roseslipper]

Originally posted by Dror@Dec 13 2005, 07:20 PM
Tomorrow is my wife's birthday, and she doesn't want to spend it with me. I just learned this this morning, and it's been hard to concentrate on work or anything else ever since. It feels like everything is falling apart.

This afternoon, I admitted to myself for the first time that I don't really like spending time with her, not as long as she constantly criticizes me and is angry with me. This realization scares me. Does it mean our marriage is doomed? I don't want it to be--I just want for us to get along with each other. They say that most suicidal people don't actually want to die, per se, but what they really want is to feel better. I want our marriage to live. I just can't bear much longer the kind of interactions we are having on a more or less continual basis--I want it to get better.

It's hard to make the effort necessary to improve a marriage when all you want to do is go home and crawl into bed.

[snapback]86139[/snapback]

[aurora]

Dror

Sorry things haven't improved any from the last time you posted concerning your marriage difficulties.

I strongly recommend that you (and hopefully your wife) read The peace giver by James L Ferrell.

This book helps you look at forgiveness and healing in very different and enlightening way.

It is actually set in the form of a parable. It's the story of a husband and a wife who are having problems in their marriage, and are unable to move on .

It is a brilliant lesson on understanding one another wether we were hurt or the one that did the hurting.
Good Luck !!!

XXX

[Laureltree]

Dror,

It sounds like te two of you need some quality time together.....Maybe its not that she doesnt want to spend it with you, she just wants sometime to her self....Try talking to her about it...see where that leads...Keep the lines of communication open....