New And Desperate For Advise

[Prend1]

I am new here but I have been lurking on this board for awhile and I have seen some good answers to some real problems so I thought that I would give it a whirl. And I'm sorry if anything I say is taboo...I read the rules but they were a lottle vague on some things...I mean no offense or inappropriatness.....

My name is Karen and I am 26, married and a mother of thee boys ages 6, 3 and 6 months.. We got married when I was 20 and Dh was 19. He was inactive when I met him and I was not a member. We were engaged but then messed around and I got pregnant. We decided that getting married was the right thing to do and soon after I decided to join the church. We were sealed a little over a year later with our baby son and we have been strong in the church ever since.

My problem is that I have struggled with depression for a long time but finally found some peace with God after joining. I was symptom free for 5 and a half years until the birth of my 3rd child. I feel into post partum depression (PPD) hard abuot 3 or 4 weeks after I had him. My DH(husband) works 60 hours a week, we live in the middle of nowhere, we only have one vehicle and we had to sell our house in order to keep from losing it soon after my last son was born. So I am isolated all day and all of my family lives 2000 miles away so the church has really been my only social network. I have always felt left out at church and around the other ladies. Maybe it's all in my head but I just never fit into all the "groupies." Everyone seemed to be good friends with everyone but me.

Granted to always felt love but never belonging. I wuold cry during conference when the ladies of the Relief Society Presidency would talk about "belonging" to Relief Society. I to this day do not feel that I belong. Even though I am now 26 and have been a member of the church for many years there are still tons of songs I don't know, expeiences I wil never be able to share (like YW) and so forth.

I really have no one to talk to when questions or issues come up in our marriage so my DH and I just wing it and figure things out as we go. We did what we feel is right and proper and used the church as a guideline to help us.

Lately my DH has not been dealing well with the "new" me. He is talking divorce bc he can't stand me anymore. He has always been one to come home, relax, watch TV, and be waited on hand and foot but I do not have the urge, energy, or motivation to be all that he wants anymore. My house is never clean enough, I don't wait on him enough, I don't do anything right by him anymore. He no longer does Family Home evenings with us and I have long ago went to reading the scriptures alone. I feel like I am doing all the spiritual and physical work aorund here and he just comes hoem and shuts down.

He tels me that being home and taking care of things "Is the job I signed for andif I don't like it he will stay home and I can go to work". Part of my PPD is also a blinding anger and rage and inability to think clearly. I am also very tired and unmotivated. If I blow up at soemthing then he yells at me for blowing up. That is the only time he ever talks to me....if HE wants to. I get hell for soemthing at least once a day from him.....he's out of pants, dinner's not ready, the dogs are out of water, the trash canis still at the curb.

I feel that I am doing everything that the LOrd has asked me to do but I am getting nothing in return. Our relationship is now "okay" but it is definetly damaged and not the happy harmony we used to have. I also found out recently that birth control and oral sex are against the Lord's standards and I am really struggling with that. I don't see how the Lord could expect me to bring more children the world with the situation I am in. We are now finally getting to the point where we are self reliant and I feel that more children would blow that away. And I never saw oral sex as vulgar, improper, or unclean.

My faith is so shaken right now. The whole line that "God doesn't give you waht you can't handle" is lost on me. Maybe it's the dark side speaking but I feel that there are exceptions to every rule now no matter what anyone tells me.

Plus my meds are not working and bc I am nursing a baby my dr is reluctant to switch me but feels that if I wean to be on better meds I will be worse. So I'm sorts stuck there.....

It's Christmas time and I feel nothing. I still read the Book of Mormon every night and i will finish by the new year and I am searching for answers every night when I read but I am getting nothing. I pray and feel nothing. I feel like I am doing what is asked of me but nothing is getting better. Aside from my husbands lack of care he is still a full tithe payer and claims to be a worth priesthood holder even though he treats me the way he does. He says that it's just my depression and that he can't deal with it. He also told me the weekend of Thanksgiving that unless I get better soon he would leave me bc "he can't live this way anymore". What am I supposed to do?

Everything in my life is going to crap and my belief and faith in the church and God's mercy are fading me.....why am I not getting any help on this.....nothing is changing despite my pleas. My kids must hate me by now as I yell all the time. My DH has spoken with our bishop about my problem bc his wife had PPD and he even gave my DH a book called "Post Partum Husband" but it did no good. I even read him the Ensign article awhile ago about mental ilness and he said "O well".

I truly feel that I have done everything and to no avail. They say divorce is taboo but I cannot live like this. This is not waht marriage is supposed to be. He has no regrets about leaving me. He has already told me that he is keeping the kids if one of us leaves so I better not even try. And if I try to move back to my family he won't let me and he gets the kids if we split up. Why leave just to be alone?

What should I do.....I am new to all this discord and I don't know what is expected in a marriage. Maybe this is how they all are and I am just being selfish. Please tell me what is normal and what i should do. I take my convenants seriously and I want to love him but right now I can't'. Not with the way he treats me.

[ToasterOfen]

It is late, and I need to go to bed...I have 5 kids of my own and they wake up mighty early...but I wanted to respond briefly to your post.

First, don't pay any attention to any unkind things that a certain person or people may say regarding your situation. This person/people has the tendency to mock those in desperate circumstances and make them feel worse. Just wanted to give you a heads up, and let you know that not all of us here are as uncaring and judgmental.

Second, I suffered from post-partum depression with several of my kids, so I can relate. It is not easy to deal with, and if you have a husband that isn't being understanding it makes it even worse. If you'd like, I can offer some suggestions on how to deal with it.

Also, you had mentioned that the church has taken a stance against birth control, and oral sex. Actually, that isn't true, and was curious as to where you heard that information.

The church's stance on birth control is that it is a decision between the Lord and the couple. Everyone has different circumstances and abilities...and the Lord does not expect us to have or bare more children if we are unable to for whatever reason. If you are struggling in your marriage, the Lord is not going to expect you to bring a baby into such a circumstance. Birth control would definitely be a wise choice until you get things worked out.

I'm sure when you say "birth control" you are referring to condoms, the pill, etc. My situation is regarding permanent birth control (tying tubes), but it should give you some insight into whether it is okay or not.

At 26, I found out I was pregnant with twins, this being children 4 and 5. My pregnancies get really tough, emotionally and physically, and I just couldn't do it anymore. Besides that, twins run in my family very strongly and I had a very high chance of having another set of twins. I just couldn't do it anymore, so, when the twins were born, we had my tubes tied.

It was a decision my husband and I didn't take lightly, we prayed lot and hubby fasted. And, the doctor who helped us come to this decision was LDS. We felt very strongly, and knew that I couldn't be pregnant again...for my physical well being as well as for my emotional health. Honestly, the Lord does not expect you to have 10 kids if you can't handle it. My mother-in-law could, she had 13, but 5 was plenty for me. The Lord knows me and what I'm capable of handling; and he knows your situation too.

There is a lot more I could say, but as I said, it is getting late. I think there are some things we have in common, (you can take a look at my profile and go to my blog to learn more) so if you'd like to talk more, let me know.

But, don't give up hope. Things may look pretty bleak right now, especially because the mental illness makes everything appear worse, but hang in there. You'll get through this.

[Justlooking]

Post Partum Depression has a physiological component to it. It is because of the imbalance in hormones after childbirth. You may want to have the doctor check your estrogen and progestrone levels to see if they are at what they should be. Also, if you are taking birth control pills, this will definitely affect those levels. The pill comes in different stregnths and not all are the same. Please, discuss this with your dr as well.

In the bible, there is a waiting period for a woman after she has had a baby where she is considered unclean. There is also a difference in time periods which depends on whether or not the child is male or female.

This always troubled me until I researched it.

The term unclean doesn't mean dirty. It means off limits. During a woman's unclean times, like the times of her menstrual cycle, the woman was to be allowed to rest in a different room, with a different bed and wasn't to be bothered. The husband couldn't even approach her for relations, because this is her time to recover.

Also, the difference in time of uncleansliness (off limits) for a woman is dependant on whether the child born is male or female matches the hormonal changes. There would naturally be more female hormones in the mother's body if the child developing is female, because of the developement. Even tho they dont share the same blood, because of the exchange of nutrients and wastes via the umbilical cord, the hormones in the developing child can affect the mother. So the post partum offlimits time and the time of recovery would need to be longer for the mother if the child is female.

Remember after carrying a baby for 9 months, you are going thru major hormonal changes. If you weren't able to get the rest you needed for you body, your body is probably telling you that you need a break. Its a time for rest and separation so your body can recover.

Lev 12:2 Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean. Lev 12:4 And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled. Lev 12:5 But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days.

also

Lev 15:19 And if a woman have an issue, [and] her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. 20 And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. 21 And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe [himself] in water, and be unclean until the even. 22 And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe [himself] in water, and be unclean until the even. 23 And if it [be] on [her] bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.

Also check your diet that you are eating well, getting enough water and maybe start taking some vitamins.

Above all remember God loves you. You are His precious child.

[StrawberryFields]

Karen,

Although I am older then you much of what you say sounds very familiar from the past. I remember after I had my third child that she was the one who put me "over the top" in the area's you mentioned. It was at that same time that my hubby was "building his career" and we were both exhausted much of the time. We were counseled to continue to date so Friday nights have always been our date nights and even now we stick to it and we have been married 24 years.

You need some time for yourself. See if you can find another mom in your ward that you can trade babysitting with. When I did this it was my "life preserver" I have 3 hours on Tuesdays that I could call my own and that gave me such a huge lift. I began to look foreword to my times which motivated me in so many other areas. When women are unhappy men don't know what to do. Too bad they all just don't realize that by giving to their wives in a positive way will benefit them as well. Working in a joint manner is what has worked with me and my husband. I have also been with him up the corporate ladder. He has shared with me many of his worries but it didn't come easy. I finally had to force him to talk to me about what was troubling him.

You sound like a very good mother and I can also relate to the "new me" phrase as I have been through that many times over the years. Find your own kind of joy with your children. When he gives you hell about something remember that he isn't perfect either. I think that sometimes men think that they can bully their wives into being what they want them to be.

About not fitting in at church...try not to worry about that. If you are a convert to the church you have a conversion story that lifetime members can't share with others. The hymns and primary songs are available on CD and they make a wonder addition to play in your home so that you can get to know the songs. Get to know the people you serve in callings with they can become great friends.

You and your husband have worked really hard in that you had had a rough start but then were able to me sealed in the temple. You asked what was expected in a marriage and I would say that it is expected that you both should remember to put the other person first. If you do that then neither one of you will feel cheated in any way.

[Jason]

Great advice thus far. Though, I'd like to add that you should tell your husband that he's an a@@hole. A real man doesn't leave his wife when things get tough. A real man takes the ######in' garbage out, washes dishes, vacuum's, a little laundry, reads bed-time stories to the kids, maybe even opens the door once and awhile for his wife! In fact, a real man let's his wife go out a couple of times a month to do her own thing.

Course, maybe im not the real man and he is...

[StrawberryFields]

Jason is right. My husband also does those things for me

Karen as mothers of boys, we need to teach them the right way to treat their wives. Thanks for the reminder Jason

[Prend1]

Thank you all for replying. You have no idea waht it means to me.

I have an IUD which does not immit(sp?) horomones so I don't have any trouvle with that as far as depression goes.

As for the refernces to BC and oral sex it was in a letter from the first presidency that I found online at lds.org that was read on one of the 5th sundays when relief society and priesthood met together. I'm npt on my computer right now so I will post the exact wording later.

Vacetomies and tubals were also listed as grave sins.

As for my hisband I know he is not perfect and I give him so much leeway as far as not saying anything about his shortcomings. My issue I guess is that when I goof up, or make a mistake or use bad judgement then I get yelled at and told how stuipid I am and that I need to admit it before he will leave me alone. I never do that to him...never! It just hurts.

And I would love to talk with some of you. When I get home I will email you.

Thank you all again!!

[Justlooking]

Why dont you join us in chat sometime? The people here are extremely nice.

[Setheus]

You know, The way I look at it God only commanded Adam and Eve to mulitply and replenish the earth. And lets say that that commandment was directed at us all......What about those who are just infirtile? Are they just SOL? Doomed from the get go? I dont think so either. When the time comes I'm having 1 maybe 2 kids TOPS! Short of divine revelation *that I can capture on 8mm film* There will not be more kids for me than that.

About this oral sex. I believe it can be good clean fun between a man and his wife....or it can be twisted into something vulgar and nasty *just as anything can be*.
My only theory, if he's getting some she better be too! Not to be vulgar or inapropriate but....if done right "its better to give than recieve."
PS: Yes I'm a convert and yes my past has been resolved and erased.

And lastly, tell your husband how you feel. Write it in a letter if you dont think he will listen. But above all dont lose your cool. I know you feel like you are doing all that you can and are STILL being taken for granted and unappriciated....well, try this little test....go even further to please your husband...I dont mean kill yourself working....I mean just do little special things for him to see if it perks him up a little, snaps him out of the haze he's in.

Above all, do what is best for you and the kids. If the husband fails in his copasity to support the family...then it falls to the wife.

Oh, wanted to comment on you not feeling like you belong......well, I also joined later in life and I too did not share the same experiences as those around me. I just looked at it this way. These life time mormons were like pure bred champion show dogs. With their grooming and life long standards and having the gospel since birth etc etc etc.....I was the loner at first. I had lived a rough existance until then...I had survived the world and now found myself in a resting place where I could heal of my wounds and be nurtured for the rest of my life....I saw myself as a wolf. Now tell me, what is more inspiring and beautiful? A pampered show dog who's never wanted for anything.....or a wolf that has learned to trust and has discovered a sanctuary?

Just think of yourself as a fellow wolf.

[tngu]

I am a life-long member, but have been inactive for about 9 years. I have trouble fitting in at church too. I am married to a non-member and a lot of members, not all, act like they are better than me because they have temple marriages. Well, they might be better mormons, but that doesn't necessarily make them better people. I also don't fit into the sterotypical mormon woman role. I am not very domestic, I don't knit, sew, or cook, well I cook more now than I used too, but I am not very good at it. Actually lately I have found I am not really in the minority on not being the stereotype, at least on this site. But at my current ward I am. Everyone is nice enough, but the few times I have gone to church this year, I have just felt very out of place. So you are not alone on that front. I wish you were in my ward. We could be loners together
As for birth control, that is between you and God. You have to do what is right for you and your family. I take bc and my sisters and sisters-in-law who are very active in the church they too take birth control and they are the type who if the prophet says don't do something they don't. I also heard you couldn't have oral sex, and on another site I belong to, someone brought up that topic and was told that the church used to say that but sometime in the 80's I think, they said it's between you and your dh what you do in your married bed, I don't know the exact quote or date that the quote was made, I wish I did and I wish I knew where to find it. I think I will go on LDS.org and see if I can find what you are talking about and see what the date was when that was said.
Anyway, that was just my 2 cents. I hope it made sense!