Angry And Don't Know Why

[justventing]

I just need a place to vent some feelings. Part of me wants others to know about it - read it. And part of me doesn't. This seemed the best place I could find.

I have been married for 13 1/2 years. I love my wife very much. A few months after we were married, she revealed to me that she had had on ongoing relationship in highschool with a boyfriend - where they repeatedly slept together. I was devestated, or hear-broken or offended or betrayed or...I don't know what. It took me years to really put that behind me - and to really test my testimony of forgiveness.

Without going into details, she honestly didn't understand the nature of what she had done. Even though she had grown up in a family that was very active in the church, she had been given very mixed messages by her parents about things. She was not a bad person as a teen. She was confused and alone. After she told me this, she repented in every way. Let me make it clear that she is a wonderful person. She is a better person than I am in every way. But, for some reason it was SO hard for me to get past.

I have grown. Our love has grown, and I thought I was pretty much over it - although I know that it is mostly due to the fact that I don't think about it hardly at all anymore. How can I? I love her too much to make her think of it and drag her back into the terrible feelings she had.

Anyway, this past Friday, out of the blue, she got an email from this guy. She immediately told me about it and it sent her for a loop. She began to retreat to all the old feelings of being worthless - and of feeling terrible about the pain she had caused me. I tried to support her through that. What was even more ironic, was that three days before we had gone to her home town on a business trip. It was a 7 hour drive and we had a lot of time to talk. On the way home - just three days before the email - we had talked about how we had worked through that. She told me again how sorry she was for hurting me. I told her how I felt bad that it had been so hard for me to forgive, etc.

She wanted to know what to do. I told her she had to reply civily to this guy and that the "christian" thing to do was to ask him about his life and tell him about hers. She did. He replied and told her that he was very happy and that he sincerely hoped she was happy. My wife was very concerned that she had left a very bad impression with this guy - who was not a member of the church. She replied one more time and without bringing up any details apologized to him for the way their relationship had ended - she had blamed him for everything. He wrote back saying he was shocked that she would apologize. He only had fond memories of her and her family and was sincerely happy that she had found such a great life.

What's my point? I'm not sure. Everytime I think of this guy and the situation, my jaw involuntarily clenches and my whole body tenses up. I know what the "right" thing to do is. But I want to find the guy and beat the living tar out of him. I'm not mad at my wife - not anymore. I still don't understand how she could have not realized what she was doing. And from a third person perspective, my heart breaks for a beautiful young woman who was so confused and alone that she couldn't tell anyone - she didn't know where to turn - she didn't know how to change her situation. I have always assumed that this guy was a hormone driven jerk who took advantage of the situation to gratify his own physcial desires. But maybe he genuinely cared for her. Maybe he thought that having sex was the correct way to show this to her. Maybe he thought they had a bright future together. I don't know. My wife says she honestly can't remember any of that.

Then in church on sunday, they gave a special presentation about LDS social services - and teen pregnancy. Why? I have no idea. I sat and listened to the statistics. 80% of teenage mothers who give up their baby for adoption eventually go through the temple. 15% of teenage mothers who keep their babies go through the temple. My wife and I actually talked about that on our drive. What if she had gotten pregnant? I would have never met her. She would have never come to Ricks College. But why?

Why all of these experiences so close to together? Why do they may me angry? Who exactly am I angry with? Or what am I angry with?

To make things even more ironic. We've been wanting to take our kids to Disneyland - but it's expensive. This guy apparently has worked at Disnelyland for years. In wishing my wife well, he mentioned that he could get us all in for free if we ever wanted to come down. The thought of that just made my blood boil. Accept something from him? From the guy that took away from me the thing that has hurt me the most in my life? Is n't that silly? He didn't take something from me. He didn't know me. I feel like that guy in the book Charley. He can't get over the fact that his convert girlfriend - who had a past with a boyfriend - could repent - could be good enough. His good Bishop took his temple recommend and told him he needed to repent.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just needed a place to vent. I love my wife more than anything in this world. She emailed me at work - after having copied me on all her correspondence with this guy - and told me how hard it was. But that it was a chance to truly put this behind us. To not wonder if this "guy" was out there lurking - waiting to pop up someday. She's right. I know she is. But it just turns my gut in knots when I think about it - "it" what is "it" I don't know, but I can't talk to her about it. I've been distant from her since Friday. I'm angry and I don't really know why.

If you read this. Thanks. Somehow it will help.

[Prend1]

I read your whole thread and I can feel the pain you have but also the love. May I offer an idea? This is just my theory but it sound like you are being tested. Whether it's the Lord testing you personally or the Lord allowing it to happen that is what I think.

Be strong and show God you can withstand the test. good Luck!

[BenRaines]

I read your post and have a few things to share.

This was many years ago. Sounds like at least 15 years ago that she and this guy, in high school, did things that we would hope that our daughters would not, but it happens. They were young and let their hormones get away from them. At least that is what it sounds like you are saying without saying it.

That is the past. Your wife chose you. You have been married for many years. She chose you. An email. An update. A kind offer to you and your family should you come to Disneyland.

It sounds to me like you have not forgiven. Not saying to forget but she or he did not do this to you. She didn't even know you at the time.

I take it from your post that you have never done anything wrong. I am not talking immorality I am talking any kind of sin? I am sure you have as we all have. You have, hopefully, asked for forgiveness and been given it. This was not even a sin against you and you can't forgive. It would be terrible to live your whole life wondering if this guy or some other was lurking in the background or in the past.

Let the past be the past and enjoy your life with the wife that you say loves you very much.

Regards,

[mom_of_jcchlsm]

I caused my husband similar pain -- I was not raised LDS, and was sexually active as a teen. When we met, I had been a member of the Church nearly a year, and was morally clean and really a totally different person than I had been in my youth. We were engaged before he found out about my past and it really shook him, but we were married in the Temple and all was well, until... Until we were at my parents' house for Christmas and all these old boyfriends kept showing up on the doorstep because they had heard from someone who had heard from someone else that I was back in town. Even though all interactions were apropriate and totally open - with my husband present - it ate him up to have faces and names to put with my past. Even that has been years and years ago now. We've been married over 15 years and live far from where I grew up and I have never given him any cause to doubt my fidelity. But I'll be going back to my home town this summer for my 20th High School reunion and he won't be able to go with me because of work and also the kids (too expensive for all of us to fly, too far to drive reasonably, so I'm only taking three of the kids and the others will be here and will need their Dad). And he's about to come unglued with worry and anger and frustration.
Best I can tell you is, your wife loves you and can't undo what is in the past, though she would if she could! I can honestly tell you that after full repentance and after living Temple covenants faithfully, the memories and feelings associated with past sins fade away. The details are fuzzy to me, and I'm thankful for that! I don't want to think about it; I don't want to relive any of it in my mind. Heavenly Father has forgiven and FORGOTTEN. I believe that when I have completely forgiven myself, I will also have completely forgotten. Can you completely forgive your wife and let the memory of what she did long ago be forgotten?

[Amphiblitz]

[...]I have never given him any cause to doubt my fidelity.[/b]

In this case, he should have no reason to worry. But, it sounds like some good old, open communication needs to take place to discover and resolve his apparent underlying concerns.

[Sugarbay]

I would like to add my "amen " to Mom of etc. post. Funny how our sins become fuzzy when we actually forgive ourselves.

[Laureltree]

I think we all look for the perfect happily every after fairytail spouse , However we are all imperfect in one way or another. we meet our spouses upon what the lord knows we need . my spouse fits everything I am not , and I am good in areas he is not :P . We are here to create a perfect pair or balance, not the perfect person So that we can return to him as perfect as we can become in this world, and obtain an even greater perfection in the next by growing, lifting and helping each other to obtain that perfection we could not obtain alone. .

Just my thoughts.....

[Jason]

justventing,

I believe you're jealous that another man knew your woman before you. Plain and simple. There's something deep inside the Mormon male psychy that's disturbing. Before I met my wife, I had a girlfriend who had slept with several other guys. I didn't like that at all for a few reasons:

#1. Sexually Transmitted Diseases (What I tried to tell myself was the main reason)

#2. Sloppy seconds so to speak (the real reason)

#3. If Im her one true love, why couldn't she wait for me? (A nice guilt-trip thing to say in an argument)

However, now that Im no longer LDS, I don't feel this way. I can honestly say that this mentality derives from the Mormon doctrines regarding sexual activity. It's repressive and backwards, and completely contrary to nature.

But since you're obviously a TBM, you'll just have to find some way to get over it. Sorry.

[Maureen]

That is the past. Your wife chose you. You have been married for many years. She chose you. An email. An update. A kind offer to you and your family should you come to Disneyland.

It sounds to me like you have not forgiven. Not saying to forget but she or he did not do this to you. She didn't even know you at the time.

Let the past be the past and enjoy your life with the wife that you say loves you very much.[/b]

Hi justventing - I agree with Ben and Jason. You didn't even know your wife when she was dating her high school boyfriend. Why should what happened in high school (when you didn't even know each other) effect you now, or even when she told you? It's in the past, she didn't betray you, she didn't know you. You have nothing to forgive her for, she did nothing to you. She may feel bad about her choices in high school, but that really only concerns her and how she feels about herself, not about you. If she felt guilty about it in the past, then she should forgive herself and move on.

M.

[Amphiblitz]

Just my thoughts.....
[/b]

Amen to those thoughts, LT.