Problems With Husband's Ex-wife/daughter

EricAlana · #1 (**permalink**) 02-10-2006, 09:04 PM

Hello to everyone. I am new to this board and hope that I am posting in the appropriate place.

First, I'll give a little background of our family. My husband was married twice before. He had a daughter (12) to his first wife. She lives about 20 mins. away, and we have visitation with her every other weekend. He has a son (7) to his second wife. He lives literally 1,000 miles away, and we get him for visitation for the entire summer. We have three sons. We were baptized in the church in November. We had been attending for about a month or so and had the missionaries coming over for several months before that.

Now, here is why I need advice. Ever since we started going to church, my stepdaughter has been attending on "our" weekends. Her mother has known about this and never had a real problem with it although she doesn't like the church. My husband's ex has never had my stepdaughter in church at all. We have had her to two other churches over the past few years but never found one we were happy with.

Anyhow, today the ex-wife wanted to switch weekends with my husband (this being his weekend to have the daughter) because she wanted to go to a dance. My husband had said no (this was the first time ever that he said no to a request like this) because we were having dinner with the missionaries. One of our missionaries is leaving to go back home on Tuesday. So we wanted to make sure she got to see him one last time as all of the missionaries have become like a part of our family. While my husband was on his way down to pick their daughter up, his ex called and said she would not allow their daughter to come with him as long as "those Mormons are going to be there." He told her he was picking their daughter up anyhow, and it doesn't really matter who he has over for dinner. When he got to her place, she wouldn't even let the daughter come outside. She said she would never let their daughter come up here again as long as we were going to have "those Mormons" here or were going to take her to church. My husband ended up having to leave without his daughter and file a report with the Sheriff's department.

I guess what I'm asking is has anyone else here had to deal with this? What should we do? I know that the ex is only digging herself into a hole because she is now in contempt of court for denying visitation. Plus, my stepdaughter has been asking us for several years to allow her to live with us. My husband has talked to the ex about this but has been reluctant to go to court. He just didn't want to have to have his daughter go through that because he knows her mother will punish her for it. The other problem we have is getting money for an attorney. We barely scrape by as it is and don't know how in the world we would be able to afford an attorney.

I would appreciate anyone's advice on this!

Snow · #2 (**permalink**) 02-10-2006, 11:23 PM

That's a tough one. We have the same situation with a single father with children in our ward. The ex/mother is a Evangelical and hates the Church and as long as she has custody she refuses permission for the kids to attend church. Fortunately for the kids the father is getting custody soon.

My only advice is talk to your Bishop and see if he has any counsel.

mom_of_jcchlsm · #3 (**permalink**) 02-11-2006, 03:47 AM

Our Ward, too, has a man who remarried, joined the Church and just recently won custody of his kids. His ex also opposed the Church (the kids were "his" only on weekends before, and were going to Church with him and his new wife). I don't know enough to offer counsel, but it seems you're in good company and it has all worked out favorably for others before you. You might ask your Home Teachers if they know any attorneys in your Ward or Stake.

EricAlana · #4 (**permalink**) 02-11-2006, 10:09 AM

Thank you for your support. My husband posted the situation on a legal site we've used for years. He didn't say what religion we were. There were several people who were commenting on how wrong the ex-wife is and that she's in contempt. Then, someone asked what religion we were. What a turn the mood of the posters took after finding out we're LDS! They immediately started saying that, even though the ex is in contempt, they are right along with her! They think we're bad people and hope that if we take the ex to court that she will file for modification so we can't take the daughter to church!

eleigh1977 · #5 (**permalink**) 02-13-2006, 10:02 PM

Well it sounds to me like your stepdaughter had a typical teenage reaction to her dad saying no to something she wanted. She probably started blaming things on the church...and of course her mother is going to get territorial. The fact is the daughter had no desire to say goodbye to the missionaries. It was really your event, not hers.

You have to find out why the mom all of the sudden had this change of heart...and I bet it begins w/ the daughter.

You have to remember this is your religion, that you got to pick. Everything is still very sensitive for your step-daughter and for the ex. I don't think she is 'right' per say to take away visits....but you also have to realize the daughter is growing up and is entitled to her own life. She is becoming a teenager and sometimes over goodbye missionary dinners....you have to let her be a teenager.

I think going to court is retarded. I do. I think it will make the situation worse. I think you should call a family counsel...w/ the daughter and the ex and get everything out in the open. BETTER yet....it would probably do a world of good if dad apologized to his daugther saying he didn't realize how important the dance was to her and if he could come to some common ground w/ the ex.

I think there is a lot to letting go of our own pride and wants to see what needs to be done in baby steps is a HUGE bridge to building family relationships. I can only make comments based on what you have written. I don't know the daughter and I don't know you....but just from general insight and putting myself into the daughters shoes...it's probably where it all started. Especially since it was such a new and different reaction than all the one's before.

I think the dad should talk to DD...and I think he is going to get to talk to her by apologizing to the mom and figuring out an adult way to handle the situation w/ out bringing law enforcement into the situation. I promise you that will create a deeper divide.

You have to figure out the root of why the ex had this reaction first....

You all may not think you have anything to apologize for and you may not, however if you want a door to open up, that is where to start.

begood2 · #6 (**permalink**) 02-14-2006, 02:36 AM

Quote:

Well it sounds to me like your stepdaughter had a typical teenage reaction to her dad saying no to something she wanted. She probably started blaming things on the church...and of course her mother is going to get territorial. The fact is the daughter had no desire to say goodbye to the missionaries. It was really your event, not hers.

You have to find out why the mom all of the sudden had this change of heart...and I bet it begins w/ the daughter.

You have to remember this is your religion, that you got to pick. Everything is still very sensitive for your step-daughter and for the ex. I don't think she is 'right' per say to take away visits....but you also have to realize the daughter is growing up and is entitled to her own life. She is becoming a teenager and sometimes over goodbye missionary dinners....you have to let her be a teenager.

I think going to court is retarded. I do. I think it will make the situation worse. I think you should call a family counsel...w/ the daughter and the ex and get everything out in the open. BETTER yet....it would probably do a world of good if dad apologized to his daugther saying he didn't realize how important the dance was to her and if he could come to some common ground w/ the ex.

I think there is a lot to letting go of our own pride and wants to see what needs to be done in baby steps is a HUGE bridge to building family relationships. I can only make comments based on what you have written. I don't know the daughter and I don't know you....but just from general insight and putting myself into the daughters shoes...it's probably where it all started. Especially since it was such a new and different reaction than all the one's before.

I think the dad should talk to DD...and I think he is going to get to talk to her by apologizing to the mom and figuring out an adult way to handle the situation w/ out bringing law enforcement into the situation. I promise you that will create a deeper divide.

You have to figure out the root of why the ex had this reaction first....

You all may not think you have anything to apologize for and you may not, however if you want a door to open up, that is where to start.
[/b]

Eleigh,

I think that it was the Ex-wife that wanted to go to a dance the following weekend and wanted to change weekends...and being denied this ...she refused to allow the daughter to go with her dad on their regular weekend.

EricAlana · #7 (**permalink**) 02-14-2006, 09:01 AM

Thank you again for everyone's input. The ex called my husband today to tell him that she's going to allow his daughter to come up this weekend to make up for last weekend. She said she did consult an attorney and said she doesn't want their daughter to be a Mormon. He told her that their daughter's just a visitor and that he couldn't even have her baptized if he wanted to. Anyhow, she said that if he wanted to push it, she would go to court. Otherwise, she'll let it go. That just pretty much tells us that the attorney told her that she was wrong in withholding visitation. We're still going to keep documenting everything because sooner or later this is going to come up again I'm sure.

Maureen · #8 (**permalink**) 02-14-2006, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Anyhow, today the ex-wife wanted to switch weekends with my husband (this being his weekend to have the daughter) because she wanted to go to a dance.[/b]

Quote:

Well it sounds to me like your stepdaughter had a typical teenage reaction to her dad saying no to something she wanted. She probably started blaming things on the church...and of course her mother is going to get territorial. The fact is the daughter had no desire to say goodbye to the missionaries. It was really your event, not hers....[/b]

Erin - I don't think we can speculate how the daughter reacted because we haven't been told. It appears to me that it really is the ex-wife's reaction to the situation - she did in fact break the visitation agreement. EricAlana has told us nothing about how the 12 year old daughter feels, but I'm guessing she likes to visit her dad and doesn't mind going to church.

M.