Ned Some Input

[nicenurse]

Hi I am new to this board, I hope that there is someone out there who can give me some advice.
My dtr. is 15, and doesn't feel accepted by some girls in her sunday school/YW class,
There are 2 in particular (namely one of them is the bishop's daughter) and the other one is her "sidekick" well today the YW leader came out into the hall looking for a few girls -- my dtr was one of them, they apparently ditched YW, and just sat out in her friend's car. I thought " I bet she ditched because she doesn't want to go to YW" I was right.
This has been an ongoing thing with his one particular girl. She is rude, intimitading , and wants to be the center of attention. She won't give my dtr. the time of day in or out of the church.
I approached the YW pres. about it. She basically said "well, we only have them for about 3 hrs. a week, you can't make them like each other. "There are some girls who try & steal the spotlight, and push the others back" I wanted to slap her!!! I almost said, how would YOU handle this if it pertained to YOUR daughter??? (her dtr. is one of the snobby ones who hangs around with the bishop's dtr)
My dtr. said afterwards, when they came back the girl said to her and her friends "where WERE YOU"?? My dtr. said I didn't feel good. SHe said "I am disapointed in you" What NERVE!!
She also brags & goes on about all the guys that supposedly like her, and how they played "spin the bottle" at this one party!!! The leaders have done NOTHING
It's all I can do to tolerate her and her mother!! ( I love her dad the bishop, he's great) But I know these girls go out of their way to exclude my dtr and her friends from them, it's very evident, I don't know how to handle this. Don't suggest going to her mother, that is NOT an option. Her mom is just as bad as she is. We'll see each other in the store, for ex. and she won't even acknowledge me!! Aren't we taught to love each other? Apparantly they have not learned this lesson! thanks for letting me vent!

[lisajo]

Wow i am sorry to hear the way she is being treated, and it is sad a Bishops wife acts that way too! what does a Mom do? sounds like your stuck in the corner on this, what did happen to love one another. i think some times we get set in our own lifes with the day to day grind and take many things for granted which looks to me like they do. they just talk Mormon but dont actually live it. my only sugestion is to talk to her dad The bishop. sounds like her teacher isnt much better her self, how rude to just say that she only has them 3 hours a week she should be concerned about all her girls not just 3 hours a week, what kinda teacher is she?
When i was first married there was a girl in our ward who was very back ward and made fun of all the time. she didnt do her hair and wore hand me downs. i always felt bad so one day i told my hubby i was going to be a secret pal to this girl. i made sure her mother knew and started sending her little things. bows for her hair. a bag of goodies on friday night ETC. well this girl started to change, doing her hair smiling more etc. well a few years later we moved out here and i didnt see this girl for years. one thanksgiving i was back for the holiday and ran into her Mom i asked her how her daughter was. she told me how she started to grow up taking care of her self trying out for things in school and made friends. married a great guy and had a few kids of her own. then the Mom looked at me and said thanks so much she still talks about what you did for her and to this day she doesnt know it was you i have never told her, why i asked? she said her daughter started to do the same thing to other girls being a secret pal and left it to her daughter to find out! it made me feel so good that i actually made a difference in some ones life. now there is a girl in our ward who is having the same problems i am thinking of doing the same for her!
sorry if this sounds over bored but it is a true story maybe your daughter needs a sec. pal and when she gets these things at church the other girls will start paying attention when she is pointed out that she is special!
much luck and love Lisa Jo

[StrawberryFields]

Hello Juli, Welcome to LDS Talk.

I can defiantly relate to your story. Unfortunately I believe that this behavior can sometimes start very young. I taught my daughters primary class and I watched as some girls formed a tight nitch of the "elite" The elite consisted of girls who felt as if they were the chosen ones in the Lords eyes. This behavior continued into young women and it was there where the girls started spreading their wing and finding new friends at school etc. I was then teaching YW when my daughter entered the program and she enjoyed my being part of it with her although I was not her teacher. After about her first year and a half I was moved into another auxiliary in the church...ward mission leader. I was very sad to see her attendance decline as you are with your daughter. Oh the 3 hour comments...I hear that said many times though out the wards and I believe that a good leader would never feel that way. Well now my daughter is a Laurel and she won't go to YW. She has grown apart from the judging girls in our ward and no matter how hard her leaders try she still won't go.

I believe that these things need to be nipped in the bud when they occur. I remember a lesson I taught in YW and sharing the light of Christ. I told the girls that each one of them had it but they just needed to rediscover it each day. I had them place their chairs into a circle for this lesson and had each girl say something they admired about the person next to them. This particular lesson we had a member of the bishopric there with us and included him in the circle, he was right next to me lol. Well first we went to the right and said something we admired about the person to the right. Then we switched directions and it was equally as enlightening. I watched these girls as they sat there and had one of their peers say out load something that another admired about them. Following the lesson there were hugs and tears and it was the beginning of a close net group of girls. I also believe that service of another binds people together. There was one girl and this class who was particularly struggling. One of the girls asked if she could bring a cake for her in the next YW's class I said of course. This struggling girl was really surprised as this girl had also requested that she be allowed to give part of the lesson as well on friendship. I watched this girl turn around as these YW reached out to her in real friendship.

Maybe in your situation you could ask to substitute for this class and teach a lesson or two. Maybe there is too much damage and there needs to be two classes for the girls your daughters’ age. I believe that it is a difficult time for our daughters and what is important is that they are able to be in situations where they feel the spirit. Sadly enough I support our daughters feelings in not wanting to be in an environment such as the one you described. To me it's like who needs to be judged by someone who is supposedly an example of righteousness. Talk to your bishop and ask him what you should do. I am sure he would like to know what is happening to these girls.

[stellati]

Hi I am new to this board, I hope that there is someone out there who can give me some advice.
My dtr. is 15, and doesn't feel accepted by some girls in her sunday school/YW class,
There are 2 in particular (namely one of them is the bishop's daughter) and the other one is her "sidekick" well today the YW leader came out into the hall looking for a few girls -- my dtr was one of them, they apparently ditched YW, and just sat out in her friend's car. I thought " I bet she ditched because she doesn't want to go to YW" I was right.
This has been an ongoing thing with his one particular girl. She is rude, intimitading , and wants to be the center of attention. She won't give my dtr. the time of day in or out of the church.
I approached the YW pres. about it. She basically said "well, we only have them for about 3 hrs. a week, you can't make them like each other. "There are some girls who try & steal the spotlight, and push the others back" I wanted to slap her!!! I almost said, how would YOU handle this if it pertained to YOUR daughter??? (her dtr. is one of the snobby ones who hangs around with the bishop's dtr)
My dtr. said afterwards, when they came back the girl said to her and her friends "where WERE YOU"?? My dtr. said I didn't feel good. SHe said "I am disapointed in you" What NERVE!!
She also brags & goes on about all the guys that supposedly like her, and how they played "spin the bottle" at this one party!!! The leaders have done NOTHING
It's all I can do to tolerate her and her mother!! ( I love her dad the bishop, he's great) But I know these girls go out of their way to exclude my dtr and her friends from them, it's very evident, I don't know how to handle this. Don't suggest going to her mother, that is NOT an option. Her mom is just as bad as she is. We'll see each other in the store, for ex. and she won't even acknowledge me!! Aren't we taught to love each other? Apparantly they have not learned this lesson! thanks for letting me vent!
[/b]

So, do YOU acknowledge her in the store? Do YOU go out of your way to include her? I was actually one of those girls who was excluded as well and now looking back, I know if I had acted differently we could have been friends. The way I see it, this is just as much your problem as it is hers. After all it takes two to tango. Be the bigger (better) person and say hello! If she ignors you, heck, get in her face and at least act like you like her! After awhile you may actually start to understand one another and form a friendship. From the girl who was once treated like your daughter: Please, please, please let your daughter live her own life and don't egg on a hateful relationship!!!

oh yeah, I also agree with Lisajo about talking to her dad, the bishop. I think it's a great idea. It'll at least get things into the open.

[stellati]

<div class='quotemain'>
Hi I am new to this board, I hope that there is someone out there who can give me some advice.
My dtr. is 15, and doesn't feel accepted by some girls in her sunday school/YW class,
There are 2 in particular (namely one of them is the bishop's daughter) and the other one is her "sidekick" well today the YW leader came out into the hall looking for a few girls -- my dtr was one of them, they apparently ditched YW, and just sat out in her friend's car. I thought " I bet she ditched because she doesn't want to go to YW" I was right.
This has been an ongoing thing with his one particular girl. She is rude, intimitading , and wants to be the center of attention. She won't give my dtr. the time of day in or out of the church.
I approached the YW pres. about it. She basically said "well, we only have them for about 3 hrs. a week, you can't make them like each other. "There are some girls who try & steal the spotlight, and push the others back" I wanted to slap her!!! I almost said, how would YOU handle this if it pertained to YOUR daughter??? (her dtr. is one of the snobby ones who hangs around with the bishop's dtr)
My dtr. said afterwards, when they came back the girl said to her and her friends "where WERE YOU"?? My dtr. said I didn't feel good. SHe said "I am disapointed in you" What NERVE!!
She also brags & goes on about all the guys that supposedly like her, and how they played "spin the bottle" at this one party!!! The leaders have done NOTHING
It's all I can do to tolerate her and her mother!! ( I love her dad the bishop, he's great) But I know these girls go out of their way to exclude my dtr and her friends from them, it's very evident, I don't know how to handle this. Don't suggest going to her mother, that is NOT an option. Her mom is just as bad as she is. We'll see each other in the store, for ex. and she won't even acknowledge me!! Aren't we taught to love each other? Apparantly they have not learned this lesson! thanks for letting me vent!
[/b]

So, do YOU acknowledge her in the store? Do YOU go out of your way to include her? I was actually one of those girls who was excluded as well and now looking back, I know if I had acted differently we could have been friends. The way I see it, this is just as much your problem as it is hers. After all it takes two to tango. Be the bigger (better) person and say hello! If she ignors you, heck, get in her face and at least act like you like her! After awhile you may actually start to understand one another and form a friendship. From the girl who was once treated like your daughter: Please, please, please let your daughter live her own life and don't egg on a hateful relationship!!!

oh yeah, I also agree with Lisajo about talking to her dad, the bishop. I think it's a great idea. It'll at least get things into the open.
[/b][/quote]


Never mind, don't go to the bishop, why bring in another person. Besides this isn't a problem the bishop should handle.

[LionHeart]

Hi I am new to this board, I hope that there is someone out there who can give me some advice.
My dtr. is 15, and doesn't feel accepted by some girls in her sunday school/YW class,
There are 2 in particular (namely one of them is the bishop's daughter) and the other one is her "sidekick" well today the YW leader came out into the hall looking for a few girls -- my dtr was one of them, they apparently ditched YW, and just sat out in her friend's car. I thought " I bet she ditched because she doesn't want to go to YW" I was right.
This has been an ongoing thing with his one particular girl. She is rude, intimitading , and wants to be the center of attention. She won't give my dtr. the time of day in or out of the church.
I approached the YW pres. about it. She basically said "well, we only have them for about 3 hrs. a week, you can't make them like each other. "There are some girls who try & steal the spotlight, and push the others back" I wanted to slap her!!! I almost said, how would YOU handle this if it pertained to YOUR daughter??? (her dtr. is one of the snobby ones who hangs around with the bishop's dtr)
My dtr. said afterwards, when they came back the girl said to her and her friends "where WERE YOU"?? My dtr. said I didn't feel good. SHe said "I am disapointed in you" What NERVE!!
She also brags & goes on about all the guys that supposedly like her, and how they played "spin the bottle" at this one party!!! The leaders have done NOTHING
It's all I can do to tolerate her and her mother!! ( I love her dad the bishop, he's great) But I know these girls go out of their way to exclude my dtr and her friends from them, it's very evident, I don't know how to handle this. Don't suggest going to her mother, that is NOT an option. Her mom is just as bad as she is. We'll see each other in the store, for ex. and she won't even acknowledge me!! Aren't we taught to love each other? Apparantly they have not learned this lesson! thanks for letting me vent!
[/b]

I have the solution:
It will require you to always carry a good post when you go to church and when you take your daughter to YW. When you see the hag, BAM!!! When you see the brat, BAM!!!

JK. I apologize if I've offended anyone. I know that's not the right way to handle it; even though it might seem like the only effective method sometimes. Just trying to get a rise.

[prisonchaplain]

I have the solution:
It will require you to always carry a good post when you go to church and when you take your daughter to YW. When you see the hag, BAM!!! When you see the brat, BAM!!! [/b]

You and I are thinking alike, Lionheart. Maybe I just don't have patience for unsaintly saints, or unchristlike christians. I was going to suggest a judgment = then and finally the witch!

In reality, this kind of behavior starts as early as preschool. My 5-year old has reported it. I believe there was a recent news item saying psychologists have verified it. Unfortunately, very few religious systems are willing to grapple with members' pride, rudeness, selfishness, etc. Our "spiritual discipline" is usually reserved for sexual immorality, or blatant, verifiable sinful acts--not chronic jerkiness.

Perhaps it was folk like this that Jesus had in mind when He told us to love our enemies, and pray for those who despitefully use us. Further, that when we return love for hate, it is like we are heaping coals upon them (coals meaning the fire of guilt, imho). There is no easy answer for the daughter who feels a victim, and is being shut out. Her difficult task is to be like Christ and love the unloveable.

In about 10 years I'll have three daughters going through the emotional roller coaster called adolescence. Better start praying tonight.

[lisajo]

Yes Chap and start praying hard really hard. make sure get get those back ground searches on those guys they end up having crushes on too. Now saying that i have no girls i have all boys and thank goodness their girl friends parents see we raised them to be nice young men................and i prayed hard real real hard they raised their girls the same way! LOL and i pray real hard they they all make good choices :P

I thought having boys i would avoid the drama girls have and well i was wrong there is alot of drama having boys i have found they have alot of the same problems with kids their age that girls do. my youngest son (14) has a friend who is bossy with him and he has gradually been distancing him self from this friend and started hanging out with a new friend who is nice and raised well (his Mom is the youth juvy officer here in town) well the other parent of the other child is livid she wants my son to still hang out with hers she has even come to the house and nagged me about this and also called me. now my son is in no way rude to her son he stills hangs out with him at school but he is way to overwhelming and bossing out of school, i told his mom that they needed to work this out them selfs..................well then the other night she shows up at my door (my son answered i was in my jammies) and stood there and yelled and swore at my son! that was it i sent my hubby to the door (i might have killed her so i sent him) any way she left then i get a call from the father of the kid he is hanging out with now, she was at his door doing the same thing, he asked if he should call the cops ( LOL his wife is one to funny) any way he sent her away with out calling them, see this mother is to me overwhelming in her sons friendships and i hope it will all die down so i wont have to deal with her anymore, she even went to the point where she thought she could break my rules when my son was to ride the bus home (she knew this) because he was grounded and she would pick him and her son up and take them for snacks after school and to her house then she would call me and nagg me to let him stay for a while. man i was ticked she did this alot sooooooooo i started picking him up my self, the other day she told the father of his new friend (who was picking him up for me) that he was not allowed to take him she was to take him she was responsable for him! this was before she came to my house and yelled at my son. well i called her after she came and yelled at him and told her to never ever call my son or come and talk to him if she has a problem she needed to call me or my hubby......................GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[stellati]

Yes Chap and start praying hard really hard. make sure get get those back ground searches on those guys they end up having crushes on too. Now saying that i have no girls i have all boys and thank goodness their girl friends parents see we raised them to be nice young men................and i prayed hard real real hard they raised their girls the same way! LOL and i pray real hard they they all make good choices :P

I thought having boys i would avoid the drama girls have and well i was wrong there is alot of drama having boys i have found they have alot of the same problems with kids their age that girls do. my youngest son (14) has a friend who is bossy with him and he has gradually been distancing him self from this friend and started hanging out with a new friend who is nice and raised well (his Mom is the youth juvy officer here in town) well the other parent of the other child is livid she wants my son to still hang out with hers she has even come to the house and nagged me about this and also called me. now my son is in no way rude to her son he stills hangs out with him at school but he is way to overwhelming and bossing out of school, i told his mom that they needed to work this out them selfs..................well then the other night she shows up at my door (my son answered i was in my jammies) and stood there and yelled and swore at my son! that was it i sent my hubby to the door (i might have killed her so i sent him) any way she left then i get a call from the father of the kid he is hanging out with now, she was at his door doing the same thing, he asked if he should call the cops ( LOL his wife is one to funny) any way he sent her away with out calling them, see this mother is to me overwhelming in her sons friendships and i hope it will all die down so i wont have to deal with her anymore, she even went to the point where she thought she could break my rules when my son was to ride the bus home (she knew this) because he was grounded and she would pick him and her son up and take them for snacks after school and to her house then she would call me and nagg me to let him stay for a while. man i was ticked she did this alot sooooooooo i started picking him up my self, the other day she told the father of his new friend (who was picking him up for me) that he was not allowed to take him she was to take him she was responsable for him! this was before she came to my house and yelled at my son. well i called her after she came and yelled at him and told her to never ever call my son or come and talk to him if she has a problem she needed to call me or my hubby......................GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
[/b]

Wow! I'm not saying that my parents left me to my own devices but, I really thing parents ought to stand back and let their children learn and work out their own problems and only try to control their friendships and etc. when the kid asks for it. They just need to let their kids know that they're still the boss and that they're always going to be there to support them. I guess that all I have to say. But, Wow!

[prisonchaplain]

I thought having boys i would avoid the drama girls have and well i was wrong there is alot of drama having boys... well the other parent of the other child is livid she wants my son to still hang out with hers she has even come to the house and nagged me about this... [/b]

You may be dealing with drama, despite having boys, but it's not the boys causing the drama, is it? :P