Is Divorce The Answer?

[lumberjacksdaughter]

I knew a bishop years ago who had what seemed like the perfect wife, home, family, etc. His wife appeared to be a great wife - beautiful with well kept home and kids. They had two years of coal for their furnace buried in the front yard. Two years of food storage rotated in the basement. Years later when I contacted the sister I found out that her husband had divorced her and she proudly proclaimed that she had since "blossomed" - had come into her own because of it. Imagine how I felt, still marriage bound and harried - not being set free to "blossom" on my own.

Another bishop had a gorgeous wife, slender even after giving birth to 9 children, who sang like an angel. He was the youngest bishop the large city had ever had, holding that position for many years. Years later I found out that they had divorced.

Another couple sealed for all time and eternity had 16 hearty children. What a cool family! I learned years later that they had gotten divorced.

A family which was my son's "second home" (I believe that the mother loved my son perhaps almost as much as her own children) was broken up when the father sued for divorce. His job kept him away from home a lot in places like Washington, D.C. The beautiful sister who also seemed to be doing everything that was expected of her and doing it well and faithfully, providing an organized home with a loving atmosphere, said she never in a million years imagined that she would be getting a divorce.

Now, my husband and I have far from the "perfect" marriages that I have described. When I asked him years after becoming a member why he had joined the church he told me it was because he knew they had organized basketball leagues.

WE - are still married. He was a non-member when I married him (so I really have no legitimate grounds for complaint). He joined the church and a year later we were sealed together in the temple. He doesn't go to church anymore and to be truthfull, I don't go much either. I'm not sure I want to stay married but we've made a promise. Our last child is now 15 (we had nine). None of the sons went on a mission and no one has married in the temple (but they are all decent, responsible, caring, creative individuals). Obviously I am a complete and utter failture.

So how come all those really squared away, faithful, together members got to end their marriage and I am bound to mine by honor?

I am a little confused and a little angry. Any suggestions? (My husband works hard to support our family and is not abusive.)

[StrawberryFields]

WOW. I can not give you a real answer but I can tell you that things are not always as they appear on the "outside"

It sounds like you have been married to this man for many years having 9 children and your baby being 15. Do you want to throw all of that away? Have you done anything to make your relationship better because that is what you will have once everyone else has moved out. I think that many times we let the relationship go unnurtured because we are too busy with everything else. One thing that I have done with my hubby for 24 years now is continue to "date" him. He have our dates at least every Friday night and we go to dinner and talk about many things. Have you talked to your husband about your feelings?

[Winnie G]

First I want to say what you see is not always what is really going on.

I’ve seen what you are describing right after I remarried. Our bishop called it the grate (last name) devoice. It seem to send a lot of sisters in to the bishops office after I remarried and moved in to a different ward. They told him if I could find happiness, they could to.
My husband sat there with our mouths open like Carps.
One of them were friends that sang love songs at our wedding reception.
Others left their husbands who were dentists, and businessman.

If any of them had come to me before they made that life changing decision I would tell them of years of loneliness and working three jobs to hold it together with four children.

It sounds like you have what I did not have, a husband who is a member.

With that start, I would decide a few things.
Your church activity change it.
TELL your husband what you want, give him a letter like what you posted.
Get marriage concealing.

Freedom is not all that it is cracked up to be.

[lumberjacksdaughter]

Have you talked to your husband about your feelings?
[/b]

I suffered from post-partum depression before the public had become aware of what it was. Heck, I wasn't even aware of what it was. So often, over the years, I would "go off the deep end" and have a "spell" as my husband would call it. I am a lot more together now (no post-partum depression, obviously, and I know to keep my diet low in refined sugar and flour, etc. and I excercise). But if I ever get edgy or a little depressed my husband still attributes it to that fact that I am just having another one of those "spells". It makes life a lot simpler for him, I guess, to not have to consider the possibility that our marriage could actually be in any kind of real trouble - that it's just his wife having another one of those "spells" and it will pass.

I've written a short story titled "Floating Skyward". It is sort of a portrait of post partum depression. I have posted it on my website www.lumberjacksdaughter.com

[StrawberryFields]

I don't know but it sounds like you have a good husband.

Men by nature are fixers and he can't fix your depression so he has called them spells. If you have had nine children and he is still with you through out these spells he is a good man. Is there more going on?

[Winnie G]

I live with the opposite, after a training injury, my husband is on so many drugs it is a constant worry. He is also a fixer and this has driving him to calling him self “broken” and he has his own spells.

When I get to the point, were he cant see what is in front of his face I send him an e-mail at his work or I leave a letter taped to the bathroom mirror for him to see in the morning.

By mid-day I receive a email were he acknowledges my view points or a very long apology.
there have been disagreements we have ironed out over emails that we never speck face to face about.
Men are just those types.
Telling him by letter or email this is not a dame spell you mean it and this is how I feel can be just what is in order.

But again, you must do the things you need to fix first.

You don’t want him to say, “well you are doing this or that”

Sometime we have to ask what do we really want?

And lets face it sisters it is the men in our lives that fallow our lead.

He mybe having a spell of his own. ?

[shanstress70]

I hate that you think you are a failure. Sounds to me like you have raised some wonderful children... you must be doing something right! And 9? That is no small feat!

I'm a big advocate of marriage counseling. Have you and your husband tried that?

I'm very interested in your writing, and will read it when I get a chance. I also suffered from post-partum depression. IMO, it's great that people are so open about it now so that women who have a problem with it are not ashamed to get help.

Good luck to you!

[prisonchaplain]

Here's my outsider's view on divorce, from an evangelical perspective.

1. Divorce is only allowed in cases of unfaithfulness or abandonment. Even in cases of unfaithfulness, the victim is encouraged to reconcile, if s/he believes trust is possible to recapture.

2. Can't speak to others who divorced, and don't know the LDS stance--but I would think that if "families are forever," divorce would be even more taboo.

3. In the case where one partner is a believer and the other is not, Paul says you may not divorce. Rather, through your loving example (sans nagging about it), who knows, you might yet win him to the Lord.

4. However, if you faith so irritates the partner that s/he decides to leave, Paul says let them go--we're to live in peace.

5. So, to young singles--don't marry outside the faith--don't be unequally yoked.

Bottom-line: In this case, sounds like the husband's major fault is that he's not a strong believer. It's a hard situation, but, the Lord's counsel would seem to be love him as he is and for what he might yet become.

Blessings to you on a most difficult journey. You've probably blossomed spiritually in ways not yet revealed.

[lumberjacksdaughter]

My thanks to all of you who have taken the time to respond to my post. Your input is appreciated.

[Maureen]

...Now, my husband and I have far from the "perfect" marriages that I have described. When I asked him years after becoming a member why he had joined the church he told me it was because he knew they had organized basketball leagues.

WE - are still married. He was a non-member when I married him (so I really have no legitimate grounds for complaint). He joined the church and a year later we were sealed together in the temple. He doesn't go to church anymore and to be truthfull, I don't go much either. I'm not sure I want to stay married but we've made a promise. Our last child is now 15 (we had nine). None of the sons went on a mission and no one has married in the temple (but they are all decent, responsible, caring, creative individuals). Obviously I am a complete and utter failture...

So how come all those really squared away, faithful, together members got to end their marriage and I am bound to mine by honor?

I am a little confused and a little angry. Any suggestions? (My husband works hard to support our family and is not abusive.)[/b]

I am also confused. lj'sdaughter, you haven't really told us what makes your marriage a miserable one. From what you have written it sounds like a pretty normal marriage. And I would be quite proud if I brought up 9 decent, responsible, caring, creative children. You come from a different universe if you think that that makes you a failure - you should be proud.

Can you explain why you don't want to be married to your husband anymore?

M.