Help! Differences With In-laws

[coolcats]

I hope I can get some advice on dealing with my in-laws. By way of background, I grew up in an LDS home. I went to early morning seminary, we (usually) had family home evenings. Things like sabaath worship were encouraged, though my siblings and I were given a fair amount of lattitude when it came to things like watching sports on Sunday etc. But reverence in the home was definitely encouraged and we always went to church. My wife similarly grew up in an active LDS home. However, I am finding out that the values in her home were quite different, and in many respects seem to me to be overbearing.

Part of the difference has to deal with doctrinal issues. My father-in-law is fascinated with mysteries and fringe doctrines. I suppose that's ok, but some of his theories make me feel a bit uncomfortable, because I know that General Authorities would not be endorsing these doctrines. Overall, though I respect him and can allow him to have is opinion.

Where I am having a harder time, is with how my mother-in-law. Its sort of hard to explain, but she seems to take the joy out of the gospel. I hope this does not sound too harsh, but I'll give some examples:

Example 1 -- Instead of fasting monthly and on special occasions, she has decided that they should fast
every week because they feel they have extra challenges and they want to prove their faith and
comittment. I guess this is their choice, but I know of know doctrinal statement that people can/should do
this for extra blessings. What makes it hard though, is they have lately been asking my wife and I to
participate in these weekly fasts. Sunday morning they called us up and asked us to fast for my wife's brother, who is currently in prison and is depressed and discouraged. I would not have a problem fasting if there was a legitimate family need, but this is not a new situation and they frequently make such requests. I was irritated and chose not to fast without a proper attitude. My wife was upset that I did not participate.

Example 2 -- We recently sold our house and made a decent profit off of equity. We turned in a tithing
check on this equity. But the bishop called us in and said he did not cash the check because he did not feel
it appropriate for us to pay if we were putting the money straight into another house, which we were
doing. After discussing the situation with our bishop we agreed with him and used the money to put it into
another house. We both tried to not tell my mother-in-law, but she found out. She predictably went off and started grilling us about our spirituality. What's worse, is she started calling some of her friends and told
them about the situation and asked them to talk to us about changing our decision.

Example 3 -- When people do not conform to what she wants, she tries to enforce her will by using the gospel as a weapon or to cause guilt trips. She often quotes scriptures or threatens to go to the bishop for backup. This is not done in a spirit of love, but in a confrontational manner to bully the other person. It actually works on my wife and her sister, as they usually give in and do what she wants, even if they don't want to.

Sometimes her bullying can be almost comical. For example, she and my father-in-law had a fight the other day when we were over. I guess he wanted time to work in his basement and she was mad he was not spending time with her. She put in a CD of primary songs, and turned the stereo on full-blast playing "families can be together forever." In my opinion, this kind of overbearing behavior is the reason two of her sons have rebelled and made choices quite contrary to the gospel.

I'm mostly venting, but wondering if anyone has any advice on how to have a positive attitude toward a situation like this. I know that things like fasting every week are a personal choice, but its starting to cause friction because if I make a choice not to, I feel like they are questioning my spirituality.

[shanstress70]

Wow! I'm usually one for cleaing the air and just getting things out in the open. If it were me, I would just tell her that I don't appreciate what she's doing. Tell her how it makes you feel, and give her specific examples.

I'm not sure, but it sounds like you guys spend a lot of time with your IL's. I would distance myself somewhat and only have scheduled visits, etc.

Actually, as bad as you say it is, I'd probably MOVE to another state! It's not worth being stressed out all the time. If you're happy with you committment to your faith, that is all that matters.

[aportmann]

Your "Help! Differences With In-Laws" got my attention right away because I'm going through the in-law thing right now.

My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. He is the only member of the church in his family. I got along just fine with his parents, but then we got married and moved in with them within a couple of days. I think I got tired of having a new set of "parents" that felt like they had to BE parents for us. And I hated it. More and more since we moved out my mother-in-law just gets on my nerves. And it wasn't until about a week ago that I finally said something that was bothering me. We had given them exciting news of a new pregnancy, and while we weren't telling anyone other than very close family, she was telling her friends and co-workers. We had asked them not to tell, so I wrote telling her why we didn't want the news spread. After getting her reply I wrote back telling her that I had been upset that she had told when we had asked them not too. Now I think she's crying to my husband that I got all after her. And I can feel that we may have a family war going on soon, all caused by me and my opinions.

As far as advice, for me it's nice living 13 hours away, but when they visit it's for a week. A couple days is okay, but after that I start to go nuts. I'm going to be checking back so that I can see more of the suggestions that you get!

[MaidservantX]

This is a job for Dr. Phil!!

No, seriously, go to his website for ideas.

I think first of all you need to not examine your relationship(s) with the in-laws so much as what your spouse thinks. If the spouse is siding 100% with their parents (and make sure you are not doing the same with your parents), then there is a problem. If your inlaws (or own parents) are making mistakes with boundaries, but you and your spouse are able to know and communicate and follow through with what you want to do in your own family together, then you are probably doing all right. I did not have a problem with my inlaws so much as with my husband as he would make decisions with them and not me -- he didn't live with them, I didn't live with them, but he honored them far above me. He was supposed to be bound to me, not them, but he didn't do it that way, and if you are unlucky like me, he never saw it that way and I could never convince him differently. So it was definitely a challenge, even though in other ways he was a great guy.

But, I used to tell him, as much as I don't want to live near your parents -- we were a block away -- I SURE as heck don't want to live near mine!

And, perhaps you should tell your mother in law what you DO appreciate about her, instead of spending any energy on telling her what you don't. Particularly if the subject has already been gone over before. Not that there isn't value to clearing the air, because there is. In fact, in Relief Society this week, I heard a lady say you have no right to BE upset or unforgiving until you HAVE tried to speak of it. If you don't want to do the work of speaking about it but just want to be upset, then you don't have the right.

Just some thoughts. I certainly don't know everything about it.

[Royalohh]

I agree with alot of what has been said. It is not fair to be angry with your inlaws if you cant tell them whats bothering you. Does not mean that it will fix it when you tell them, might make it worse but we should at least let the people know what we are thinking and feeling. I don't agree with my inlaws but I try my best to respect their decisions and when I was younger it was hard for me to make a stand. I know my wife had trouble with my parents also and to be honest it was not until we moved many miles away from all of them that things got better because we started making our own family traditions, traits, and created an identity if you will that was just my wife and I and our children. Then we re-introduced our extended family into it so they could get used to the "new" us. It is not easy I know but it is something most of us have to learn to deal with. I think the most important thing though is to make sure you and your spouse are together on any and all decisions help her to understand your fellings about fasting and ask for her support and respect if you don't want to and make sure you do the same for her. I don't know how long you have been married but I am going on 16 and we still have in-law incursions into our life. but the good news is it has gotten easier with time and as we learn. Remember these are people that mean a great deal to the people that mean the most in our lives so we have to make prayerful thought out decisions. clear as mud?

[aportmann]

I did not have a problem with my inlaws so much as with my husband as he would make decisions with them and not me -- he didn't live with them, I didn't live with them, but he honored them far above me. He was supposed to be bound to me, not them, but he didn't do it that way, and if you are unlucky like me, he never saw it that way and I could never convince him differently. So it was definitely a challenge, even though in other ways he was a great guy.[/b]

So what did you do about this? This is another thing I'm trying to deal with. When my in-laws were visiting this February they started suggesting that we cut down this huge evergreen tree that's right in front of our living room window blocking our view (we live in the hilly country). This was something that I have suggested off and on, but for quite awhile I figured that I'd just let my husband think about it and get used to the idea. So his parents were saying things constantly! Saying, "Why don't you get out your chainsaw so we can cut that thing down." It was to the point that I was ready to say that I didn't want the tree cut down anymore. A week or two ago all of a sudden I saw on my husband's TO DO list to cut down the tree. When I asked him which one he said the one in front of the living room. While he says that he's willing to do it for me, I'm not convinced. Especially when it's so many times that I hear what's going on in his life when he's on the phone with his parents. And he married me why???

Why are you permitting your in laws to get involved in your family/home life?

Mar 10:7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

Its really not their place.

P. S. Kudos to your bishop for being honest with you.

Basically what your mother-in-law is doing is taking away your agency.

If it was me ~ I would be printing off Ensign articles about the things she is hammering at you about, and I would flood her with them. Fasting ~ paying tithing ~ gossiping ~ Agency ~ Choice ~ Accountability ~ interfering with anothers agency ~ stewardship. She has yet to learn what is her stewardship.

When a very, very dear friend of mine, and member of the Church ~ got involved in Internet Porn, I printed off every Ensign article I could find about porn - I used two full reams of paper, before I stopped ~ then I un-plugged his computer (took the power cord so he couldn't even plug it back in), and plopped the stories on his lap and told him tearfully that I love him too much for him to sell his soul to satan. Ho boy was he pissed at me. I left his home thinking that I had lost my best friend. Two weeks later he called me and thanked me ~

Don't know if that is going to work on your MIL ~ ~ BUT you as a Priesthood holder have the power to banish the negative stuff that she is dishing out, and you have the responsibility to remove not only yourself, but also your wife from that continued exposure.

You seem to have a great relationship with your Bishop ~ talk openly and prayerfully with him. You must find the path that you must walk, and you must constantly banish the advasery ~ yes MIL is the advasery when she is being controlling, preachy, and self serving.

PS: In my humble opinion, I feel that your Bishop overstepped his bounds in even calling you to return your tithing check. He never should have known about it, nor the amount. His clerk and councilor were NOT doing their calling properly.

[coolcats]

Thanks for all the great responses. I appreciate your thoughts. Both my wife and I have tried to talk to her (my wife gets almost as frustrated as I do at times). She sort of listens, but it seems to not really sink in.


As for Ensign articles -- my MIL is the one who is always clipping articles and sending them to people. You can pretty much tell what she thinks of you by the articles she sends out. I hope I didn't come off as too negative about her. She does have a lot of good qualities -- she is very giving and willing to help people. Just some things can be overbearing.

[aportmann]

I don't remember which Ensign the article was in (I believe it was January-March) there was an article for newlyweds and their parents. I am not exactly a newlywed, but many of the things mentioned still applied to me. A week after I mentioned the article to the Marriage and Family Relations teacher in our ward I heard her talking to another member of the class about it (both as the parents of the newlyweds). If nothing else, at least it can maybe help you and your wife try to figure out what to do for yourselves.