Telling My Parents I Want To Get Married.

[Lindy]

Well just my two cents... I like the idea of 2 ceremonies (even if it is just very simple) ...to include everyone that is important to their lives. Those who are not LDS just cannot understand why they can't be part... and it could lead to hard feelings . Knowing that you care enough to include them could make all the difference...especially if it's family. Family is one of the most important things in this world... members or not.
BUT your life is important too...what is right for you! And parents wonder why their kids run off to elope with out anyone there at all.... no stress for the most mportant people... Bride and Groom Maybe it's best that way sometimes...... UNTIL you have to face everyone back home......

Many people I know will have 2 weddings so that nonmembers who are family or coworkers can attend and not feel slighted. One is a regular wedding that is in accordance to the state laws and requirements. Then they have a temple wedding and explain that its a special religious event with the church. You dont have to be overly extravagant or lavish with the details in the wedding. Just keep it simple, and it can be classy. This way no one feels left out. [/b]

Monica, for being LDS you really don't understand about Temple marriages. IF you have a civil marriage first, you then have to wait a minimum of one year before you can be sealed in the Temple. Note I said sealed? That's right, not married. That only happens when it is before the civil ceremony. Those couples that I know who caved in and had the civil ceremony first to please others, were not happy that they had to wait one year to be sealed to each other.

Allie, you said that your parents are inactive in the Church. Thus I am assuming that they know all about the Temple. Have you talked this over with your Bishop? What is his advise to you? Has he talked with your parents? If not, why not?

My husband and I had a civil marriage first ~ NOT to please the in-laws though. My parents are deceased, his father is too and his mother has Alzheimers. He had to get a Sealing Clearance first, and there was no way of knowing how long that would take. The wait to be sealed has stretched from one year to nearly two. Things happen, Satan is hammering away at you all the time, and for every two steps forward we took, satan slammed at us till we were one step back. The road blocks that were put up took time to knock down.

It is your wedding ~ NOT your parents or his parents. They had theirs already. IF they caved in and had the wedding of their parents dream rather than their own ~ then that is something they have to live with. YOU don't.

Do you understand why there is NO ring ceremony during the Temple Marriage and Sealing? Ask your Bishop about it.

Have a reception afterwards ~ right after, or a week later or a month later. Do what the two of you want, not what your parents want. Remember this is you and your sweetheart who are getting married. You could go to the Temple first and just have Temple workers as your witness's, then have a simple ceremony, sans the reading of the vows by a Bishop ~ write your own ~ with all of the in-laws, co-workers, etc.

[angelbaby]

Do what is right for you, Not for others. Placing a temple marriage first is so important. Not that things are guaranteed to be perfect, but you have such a great chance. I am an only member, a convert. My husband is also. When we decided to get married we knew there was no choice other than the temple. My husband has a brother who is not a member who married a couple years before us, so his parents got to do the wedding thing, so really they probably didn't think they were missing much (though they're both against the church). I'm one of 3 children, but the only daughter. So it was kind of a big deal for my folks. They are interested in the gospel, but once they understood my wishes, they accepted it. They wanted my happiness, not their own. We had an engagement party, so they were involved with that. At the time we got married, the nearest temple to us was a 2 day drive or a 6 hour flight. So we flew down and got married with just 2 friends and a heap of temple workers present. It was worth it though. I wouldn't change it.

i hope this helps.

[Traveler]

Since your parents were once members they know about temple marriages so efforts to explain about the temple is not needed or worthwhile. The concern from your parents is a feeling of being left out. Since they have never been to the temple there is a lot they will not understand.

I suggest that you plan a wedding breakfast (luncheon) to take place just after the temple marriage. You can call this a ring ceremony and since rings are not part of the temple this is a good place to exchange your rings. Have someone that is excellent at public speaking and is LDS to explain the importance of marriage as part of the ring ceremony. The key is to include your parents as much as possible in this ceremony and all other public plans you have with your wedding. Make sure your official statements express your love, honor and appreciation of your parents and name them. Make sure that during the entire day you include them, honor them, brag about them, introduce them and thank them for supporting your marriage.

If your future husban's parents are active LDS ask them to help you include them. Also make sure your parents are part of the planning. And finely give the spirit a chance to help you.

The Traveler

[aportmann]

[/quote]
If you had this ceremony for your IL's benefit, why would you have your father (who had been at the temple wedding) get up and talk about the temple? That was like rubbing it in their faces... and still probably made them feel like outsiders even more. And shouldn't your husband have known what the ring ceremony was going to be like? Oh my gosh! Does he have his say-so in anything in your marriage?
[/quote]

I had this whole message typed up but changed my mind. I am only going to respond to your comment by saying if you only knew. But you don't, and I will leave it at that.

[boyando]

I'm not an expert on the subject because we had both sides of the family at our temple marrage but let me add what I can.

We are all different people, inside and outside of the church. I don't think there is anyway to prodict how your father will react to the news that you wish to get married in the temple. I'm sure that it has crossed his mind. It may be hard to have the talk but you do not wan't mess around and wait till the last moment.

As you try to do the right thing Satan may just put more presure on you. Be strong, keep the faith and don't let anyone but you control your destiny. If you need strength rely on your freinds and the power of prayer and everthing will turn out ok.

[Maureen]

Now I am 20 years old and will be engaged soon and plan to get married in the Temple. I live across country so this conversation will not be face to face but I need to know how can I tell my Father that I plan to get married in the Temple without hurting him or upsetting him? A Temple marriage is very important to me and I want him to know that.~Allie[/b]

Hi Allie,

I am going to offer advice as a non-LDS. To be included in a wedding where you can be part of a ceremony is welcoming for the guest and hospitable for the bride and groom. If the LDS church proclaims a family oriented atmosphere why not include that atmosphere at a wedding.

When my nephew got married, he and his wife decided to also have a ring ceremony for their non-member family and friends. It was the nicest LDS wedding I have ever been to. They made it quite personal for them since they both have Scottish ancestry, the ring ceremony had a Scottish theme. The bride and groom walked down the aisle together to music. The bishop talked very humourously about the couple and explained for non-members why LDS like to marry in their Temples. They exchanged rings and the bride was welcomed into the grooms family with a Scottish tradition of pinning the family tartan sash on the bride. They left the chapel (recession) to music.

They were able to celebrate their wedding in one day: Temple ceremony, family lunch, ring ceremony and reception. It was indeed celebratory, which I find Mormons are not ones for celebrating - it was a nice change.

If your interested in exploring a ring ceremony here's a website you can check out:

Ring Ceremonies
For couples with large groups of non-members attending, a ring ceremony is becoming the trend. You can make the exchange as personalized as you like...

http://www.ldsweddings.com/articles/sacred/sacred4.html

Good luck with your plans!

M.

[tifflovespurple]

[color=#6600CC] I just wanted to add that it's important to you and your self esteem and strength as an individual to stand up and tell the truth - to him, gently tell him" I know that I want to be married for eternity, this is what i believe and I have to go down this path. If you could join me that would be great; I understand this is difficult but the right decision is never the easy one." If he hears this maybe he could hear that this is the right decision you need to make. You could add that our lives are a product of the choices we make - each choice sends you down a path. If you make a choice that takes you down the wrong path then that is what you'll be facing - the consequences of not being married for eternity. And for you - this is one choice you need to make - the right one. Even at the sacrafice of having your dad there. Tell him he should see this and respect you that this is a hard thing to do - make a better choice in the face of difficulty. ANd maybe he will see how important it is to you and that you truly believe this and that this isn't going to change. So, he can accept this and love you as you are or - not; and that's certainly not what you hope for.

If you tell him these things very calmly but firmly; maybe he'll hear it. Some won't though -my husband's parents are so spooked about the church - they are so back hills, they just can't hear anything. they can't see it when we read their bible to them - showing the doctrine to them. So- sometimes you must choose and then say this is my choice - we can table it - never talk about it and keep being a family or we may have to have some away time. But - I am going to be a latter day saint. so- I hope that made some sense. Choosing Christ's plan is sometimes a real challenge and test. There is NO way for you to go but down this path. If you don't go to the temple - wow; all is lost- or you gave up and that would be a shame.

Great Luck to you.
Tiffany

[stellati]

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I could have a ring ceremony after my temple wedding, but getting my parents to understand that is what I am worried about.
~Allie
[/b]

I think if you make the effort to include them some way, they will feel better than not being able to celebrate at all with you. Not the same as being at 'the wedding', but...

Not saying that you shouldn't have a temple wedding, but just try to put yourself in your parents' shoes as well and it will help you understand their mindset. It's their little girl getting married, one of the top 2 or 3 big events of your life, and they dont' get to share it with you. You have to understand how they might feel on the outside. And no, I don't believe it IS their choice. If they don't believe 'the church' is true, they can't make themselves believe, and I'm sure you wouldn't want them to lie to get a TR.

Hope all goes well.
[/b][/quote]

I agree that you should make an effort to include them. The part that I do not agree with is "And no, I don't believe it IS their choice." Yeah, it most definently IS THEIR choice. She said her parents were less active, right? Well, less active means that they had previously been baptized and they previously had believed, and previously had been taught. Since they had been previously baptized and believed, then they should have that knowledge. They should have accepted it a long time ago that you were going to get married in the temple. Heck, you've been living the LDS lifestyle for 8 years now. My dad isn't active, he hasn't been active for as long as I can remember and I'm 22 years old. I've had 3 older brothers get married in the temple and he hasn't been to anyone of those. He just understands that he can't go. I think the sooner you tell them, the better. If they don't understand why, you should explain it to them. If they don't accept it, explain it to them again. Just don't take no for an answer. It is your life and your choice!!! Just be as sensitive as possible, and they'll understand.

[shanstress70]

Yeah, it most definently IS THEIR choice
[/b]

Once a believer does not necessarily mean always a believer!

they are so back hills, they just can't hear anything.
[/b]

Careful what you say. They could be saying the very same thing about you!