Telling My Parents I Want To Get Married.

mormon_gal · #1 (**permalink**) 04-26-2006, 11:21 AM

I sincerely ask everyone who reads this, if you have an advice to please share it with me. Here is the story.

I am an active member of the church and have been since I was 12 years old. My parents have been inactive since I was a child, and have not exactly supported my choice to go to church. Growing up I would often have conversations with my step-mom about the Temple. I would tell her how much I wanted to get married there someday, this was a source of contention. She would sharply reply that if I made that choice I was being selfish, because my father would not be able to be there with me. I have always felt that it was his choice, not mine, if he attended or not. I never talked to my father about it. Now I am 20 years old and will be engaged soon and plan to get married in the Temple. I live across country so this conversation will not be face to face but I need to know how can I tell my Father that I plan to get married in the Temple without hurting him or upsetting him? A Temple marriage is very important to me and I want him to know that.

~Allie

shanstress70 · #2 (**permalink**) 04-26-2006, 12:29 PM

Can you have a temple wedding, and another ceremony for those who care about you, who happen to not be 'temple worthy'? I can't imagine not having my family at my wedding, just because of differences in religious beliefs. But in the end, it's your day and your decision. If you feel good about it, just do it and don't worry about their heart ache.

Edited to let OP know that this is coming from an ex-mormon.

mormon_gal · #3 (**permalink**) 04-26-2006, 12:47 PM

I could have a ring ceremony after my temple wedding, but getting my parents to understand that is what I am worried about.
~Allie

Royalohh · #4 (**permalink**) 04-26-2006, 12:52 PM

It sounds like a Temple marriage is very important to you as it was for me and my wife. Neither my mother or father could come to my Temple Wedding and my mother was REALLY upset but we had a really nice reception with all our family which I enjoyed more then most other weddings I have been to to be honest. I would suggest you call and talk to your dad and express your true feelings your testimony and don't forget to tell him how much you love him. Respect your parents but remember its your life you have to make the decisions for. hope that helps

shanstress70 · #5 (**permalink**) 04-26-2006, 01:39 PM

Quote:

I could have a ring ceremony after my temple wedding, but getting my parents to understand that is what I am worried about.
~Allie
[/b]

I think if you make the effort to include them some way, they will feel better than not being able to celebrate at all with you. Not the same as being at 'the wedding', but...

Not saying that you shouldn't have a temple wedding, but just try to put yourself in your parents' shoes as well and it will help you understand their mindset. It's their little girl getting married, one of the top 2 or 3 big events of your life, and they dont' get to share it with you. You have to understand how they might feel on the outside. And no, I don't believe it IS their choice. If they don't believe 'the church' is true, they can't make themselves believe, and I'm sure you wouldn't want them to lie to get a TR.

Hope all goes well.

Ray · #6 (**permalink**) 04-26-2006, 02:54 PM

I would focus on trying to let him know you love him and that you are doing what you believe to be right, because you want an eternal marriage, not one that will end in this life.

And btw, your conviction and desire to do the right thing should make any father “well pleased”, but if he only wants you to do what he thinks is right then it is he who has chosen to be selfish.

#7 (**permalink**) 04-26-2006, 03:39 PM

Many people I know will have 2 weddings so that nonmembers who are family or coworkers can attend and not feel slighted. One is a regular wedding that is in accordance to the state laws and requirements. Then they have a temple wedding and explain that its a special religious event with the church. You dont have to be overly extravagant or lavish with the details in the wedding. Just keep it simple, and it can be classy. This way no one feels left out.

aportmann · #8 (**permalink**) 04-26-2006, 03:47 PM

My in-laws consider themselves "Catholic" (although I don't know when they went to church the last time). As far as I could tell they were okay with the whole temple idea (my husband and I started dating about three months after he got baptized, and we were married almost two weeks after his anniversary. It wasn't until the week before the wedding this his mom started sharing her true feelings. She just wanted to be able to go into the temple to "watch" (we told her that's all everyone else was going to be doing). She didn't understand why our church wouldn't allow marriages to take place that wouldn't allow family members to be present.

As for the ring ceremony - we had one, but I guess it wasn't what my husband and his parents were expecting/ hoping for. We had my dad talk about the temple and share his feelings about it and had us exchange rings. (We had already exchanged rings inside the temple because I wanted them to be apart of the pictures.) Those in attendance that were LDS (whether they were at the temple with us or not) all really liked the ceremony. My husband and his family all expected another wedding, I guess where I walk down the isle. While they may have been a bit disappointed, I wanted everything simple, and having two ceremonies wouldn't have ended up that way.

It's a hard situation, a lot harder for the one with the parents that can't be there. Remind your father that it is something that has been important to you for a very long time. Let him know that you do still want him to be there for you (it sounds like you do).

I hope that everything works out for you!

shanstress70 · #9 (**permalink**) 04-26-2006, 04:53 PM

Quote:

As for the ring ceremony - we had one, but I guess it wasn't what my husband and his parents were expecting/ hoping for. We had my dad talk about the temple and share his feelings about it and had us exchange rings.
[/b]

That must've made his family feel GREAT!

If you had this ceremony for your IL's benefit, why would you have your father (who had been at the temple wedding) get up and talk about the temple? That was like rubbing it in their faces... and still probably made them feel like outsiders even more. And shouldn't your husband have known what the ring ceremony was going to be like? Oh my gosh! Does he have his say-so in anything in your marriage?

miztrniceguy · #10 (**permalink**) 04-26-2006, 07:35 PM

i was in the same situation. to make it worse, all my family was in calif where i am from. i left calif in 2000, lived in utah and whyoming, and them moved to MO to get married and live with my wife.

i was raised in the church. my parents were divorced less than a year after i was born (1966). my mother's subsequent husbands (3) were non-members. I was inactive since my sr year of high school. But when i came back to church in 1999 and went to the temple in 2000 i had no family with me, as i was the only one active.

When my wife and i were married in Nauvoo, she had about 15 family members and friends there, we had 2 friends from ldschat, who were common friends before we married.

It was tough, the biggest events in my life, and I had no family and friends. Luckily my wifes family has mad me part of hers, so i didnt feel too bad, but it was still tough.

do what is right for you, eternally. They will get over it.