Help For My Mom

[MidwestLDS]

Hi -- seeking some advice here for a family situation. Specifically, is there anything I can or should do to get my mom away from my controlling, abusive father?

When I was little he was physically abusive to my siblings and I, as well as my mother. He quit going to church when I was young and actually became quite anti-LDS for a time. He allowed my mom to take the family to church on Sundays, but would not allow her to give us rides for youth activities or seminary. Fortunately, we had some caring leaders who helped us out.

As I got older, and bigger than he was, he quit being physically abusive, but remains verbally and emotionally.

Now all of the kids have been out of the house for at least 5 years, so it’s just he and my mom. She always talks about how much better he is now, but from an outsider I don’t see it. What I see is that my mom has learned to cope and work around his personality, plus since the kids aren’t there, his unacceptable behavior is not so obvious to her.

Specifically, he is controlling. He will not let my mom make any decisions on her own. He will not allow her any financial freedom. He controls her schedule, her ability to interact with her family, and what she does in her free time.

He is very unpredictable. There is no telling what will set him off. As a result, my mom walks around in pins and needles all the time

Even though I don’t really care that much if he wastes his life, I do care that he is wasting my mother’s life.

The latest incident occurred this week. My mom’s sister was killed in a car accident in another state. Obviously I thought it was important for her to go. I knew that it was doubtful that my dad would let her spend any money on an airplane ticket, so I found a flight for her and offered to let her go using my frequent flier miles. She said she would really like to, but she would have to talk it over with my dad. Well the next day, my mom called back and said it just wouldn’t work. Though she didn’t say why, I know what the problem is. She lives about an hour from the airport, and my dad would have to drive her (because he would not allow her to spend the money to park the car there for several days).

This is just the latest incident. In the 8 years that I have been married, my mom has been allowed to come and visit us just once. My dad has never come (in fact he didn’t even go to any of his kid’s weddings). So it is up to us to come and visit them or to meet my mom at a neutral location.

The problem is, that is not even viable any more. Last summer, when I was at my parents’ house with my two young kids, they were being too noisy for him, so he threw us out of the house and made us pay for a hotel for the rest of the time. Plus, I don’t think I want to go back and subject my kids to his behavior now that they are old enough to be affected by it. In a way that’s ok, because every time we visited, we had to walk on eggshells not to set him off.

And even when my mom can get away he basically stalks her. When we did go meet her at my grandparent’s house a little while ago, he called in the middle of the night several nights in a row, angry with her about something. Of course, that ruined her one chance to get away and have some peace.

Recently, I called home on a Sunday afternoon (my dad hardly ever talks to me, but on the rare occasions he does, I am civil to him). Well, I guess he got tired of his kids interrupting his Sunday afternoon quiet with phone calls, so he made my mom instruct me not to call on Sunday afternoons any more. My other siblings reported getting the same instruction.

As the years go by my mom is getting more and more isolated. All of her kids have moved out of state. At one point, the plan was for my dad to retire and for them to move out West. They even sold their house. But as usuall, his anxieties and fears took over, and he bought another house in the same town. I doubt they will ever move.

Now at a distance, my mom can hardly ever call us. Now I know it causes her problems when I call. She can’t even see her family for funerals, or births of grandkids. She does not even have a home computer for emails. I am really worried that she will just end up totally alone, living with a miserable (in several senses) person.

In some ways, I am angry with her for not standing up to him. When I was growing up, the thing I wanted most was for my mom to leave him or for him to die (that sounds really harsh, but that's how I felt at the time). My mom never did. I still hold the opinion that it would have been better for everyone if she had left. Whether she didn't because of fears of retribution (he would threaten her), or fears of poverty, or being alone, or because she held out hope that someday he would get better, I don't know.

Now, it is basically beyond hope that she will ever leave him. It’s almost like she has formed some kind of co-dependency and just accepts her life.

I do not advocate easy divorces, but I think in this case, it would be justified. I realize now that he is the way he is because of some mental disorders and because he was abused by his own father. But he is unwilling to get any treatment, and honestly, he has been the way he is for so long, I don’t know if anything could help him really change.

Any advice on what I should do. My wife says I should talk to my mom’s bishop. I don’t know that he could do anything. I don’t know if there is anything I can do, but it’s such a tragedy. My mom did the best with us kids in the circumstances, and I really would like my own kids to know their grandma.

[MBASS]

This is tough. Your mom is stuck in a cycle of violent behavior and she mostly likely feels trapped, scared,etc. Your dad may have even threatened to kill her if she leaves! She may think its impossible to leave. I think I would try her bishop! That sounds like a good idea. Unfortunately you cant make her leave until she is ready. I would try to talk to her and explain all the things she is missing out on and maybe that will work. Keep praying! Good Luck!

[CaptainTux]

I was a victim of child abuse myself. It was in large part from the support structure of wonderful grandparents who helped me escape that situation when I was 13 and provide counseling for me at great financial sacrifice to them that I am the man I am today. It was hard leaving my mom in that cesspool of violence. terror, and hate. My mother eventually left on her own accord, but is now caught in the grips of alcoholism.

I cannot help her. I can love her and I can pray for her. I can tell her the truth, but I cannot change her life for her. It is hard to watch those you love suffer.

Right now, the best you can do is be a good spouse and parent. The best way to be a good child right now is to let your mom know the door to your home is open for her and she can stay with you anytime she pleases. If she ever does make that call, take some fmla time, rent a uhaul, and get to her ASAP.

Cash in your frequent flyer miles and tell her you need her to come visit you. As for transportation to the airport, there are companies that provide that service or if its too far, book her on a bus service or prepay the cab bill. Yes its possible, ask the airlines and they will tell you what companies provide transportation to the airport from her city.

After she is far away from that nightmere enviornment, log her onto this website and let her read this thread.


Now to MidWestLDS MOM:

You are worth too much to God to put up with abuse. Jesus did not die on a cross in vain so that someone can mistreat you. God loves you and you are precious to Him. God has a good plan for your life. Dont let anyone quench the Holy Spirit in you. God bless.


After a few days of being away from the mess back home she will see things clearer as to what God has for her.

[Laureltree]

Let your mom know your concerns and that you are all behind her. She may feel she has no where to go, and she doesn't want to burden you. Like others have said...this has been going on for a while she may not realize his controlling behavior anymore....

[cuddleduckies]

make sure she understands that no matter what happens you love her and you are their for her in any way she needs you to be. You can not force her to leave, if you do she will just go back, it has to be her decision for it to work. It will be hard but you may need to find a way to sit down with your mom (maybe with some additional siblings to show additional support and concern) and have a long and serious conversation in person if at all possible (this could also provide some healing for you as well). Try to find out exactly why she feels she needs to stay (this will make it easier to present an alternative and why it would work out), make it clear that it is alright if she leaves, you think its the best idea, but that no matter what you are there for her 110%. Contacting her bishop would also be a good idea if for no other reason than to make sure some one can make sure she is ok since everyone lives so far away.