Relationship Problems...

matt_connolly · #1 (**permalink**) 06-17-2006, 12:35 PM

hey,

was wondering if anyone could offer any practical advice on my situation!

basically, i've been seeing a member of the church for about 9 months, through her, i've gained a testimony of the Book of Mormon, and was Baptised in March. Stuff has been really rubbish between us lately, its starting to seem like things are not going to work out between us and things are really hard - but we still both care for each other loads, and neither of us wants to break up.

we've both prayed about this extensively, and up to now neither of us has had an answer.

i've never prayed asking a specific questions (other than whether the BoM is true) and i don't know what to look for (in terms of an answer).

also, does anyone have any ideas on how to improve things? we seem to be falling out about really small and insignificant things. but its only since we REALLY started focusing on the gospel that this has happened. things like this have happened to me before, like when i was due to be baptised my entire family basically turned against me, but once it was done they were fine?

any ideas?

boyando · #2 (**permalink**) 06-18-2006, 08:44 AM

Quote:

hey,

was wondering if anyone could offer any practical advice on my situation!

basically, i've been seeing a member of the church for about 9 months, through her, i've gained a testimony of the Book of Mormon, and was Baptised in March. Stuff has been really rubbish between us lately, its starting to seem like things are not going to work out between us and things are really hard - but we still both care for each other loads, and neither of us wants to break up.

we've both prayed about this extensively, and up to now neither of us has had an answer.

i've never prayed asking a specific questions (other than whether the BoM is true) and i don't know what to look for (in terms of an answer).

also, does anyone have any ideas on how to improve things? we seem to be falling out about really small and insignificant things. but its only since we REALLY started focusing on the gospel that this has happened. things like this have happened to me before, like when i was due to be baptised my entire family basically turned against me, but once it was done they were fine?

any ideas?

[/b]

I can only tell you what happened when I decided to get married.
For the longest time, I didn't get an answer, no matter how hard I prayed about it. My proplem was, in my prayer, I got rather flowerery, rather than ask if it was right. Hey I was in love (and still am). I would ask things like "is she the one and only beautiful girl who will never let me down and always make me smile".

We are lookin at twenty eight years of marriage next month and I'm still very much in love. But I can't say that we never fight. A freind of mine told me this story about his cealing. His cealer was eighty nine years old and liked to give a little advise to the young couple, as all cealers do. His advice was everytime things got heated or out of control, take a walk. He not only gave that advice, but he lived it. He claimed that he was still healthy at eighty nine because, over the years, he had got so much exersize.

Your father in heaven wan'ts you to be happy. He sets rules to insure your happieness. Figure things out for your self, while enjoying the gift of the Holy Ghost. Then take it to your Heavenly Father and ask if what you figured out is right. Don't panic, have faith and things will be just fine.

Allmosthumble

BenRaines · #3 (**permalink**) 06-18-2006, 11:39 AM

It is not my intention to pry but share with us some of these small things that are causing so much unhappiness between the two of you. Also how old are you both?

Common eternal and mortal goals should bring a couple together not drive them apart.

The Doctrine and Covenants teaches us how to pray. Work it out in your mind what you are to do. Make a decision yourself. Then take it to the Lord for confirmation. Many forget this simple step. You need to make a decision and then ask the Lord for confirmation. As Allmosthumble mentioned in his post. The wrong way to do it is asking yes or no questions to the Lord. This is the decision I have made please confirm it. Not tell me is she the one or should I do this. I have decided to do this, is it right?

That is the way to seek the answer to prayer.

Ben Raines

shanstress70 · #4 (**permalink**) 06-19-2006, 07:59 AM

IMO, if you're not even married and having problems, I say she probably isn't the one for you... keep dating. Some people think when they are dating someone that marriage would improve things. Most times it does not. Marriage is tough, and you have to be compatible to begin with in order for it to work. Perhaps you just aren't compatible.

CaptainTux · #5 (**permalink**) 06-19-2006, 02:04 PM

Quote:

IMO, if you're not even married and having problems, I say she probably isn't the one for you... keep dating. Some people think when they are dating someone that marriage would improve things. Most times it does not. Marriage is tough, and you have to be compatible to begin with in order for it to work. Perhaps you just aren't compatible.
[/b]

Shantress, I normally agree with much of what you say, but I have to disagree with this. I do agree that the couple may not be compatible, but disagreements in dating are fine. It is a great field test. Just like the geneva convention, my wife and I had to establish rules of engagement when in a fight when we were dating. We still adhere to the rules of engagement now. Besides, there ain't nothing better in the world than making up.

I have been married 11 years and dated her for about 4. 4 celibate years created much tension for this young man. We would have some doozy arguments on our way to the alter. We still do from time to time, but at the end of the day, she is my best friend. She is the one who lifts me up when I am down and knocks me down when I start building my own tower of babel. I do not believe in reincarnation, but if I did, I married either Bette Davis or Katherine Hepburn. She is exactly what I needed and the sparring matches strengthen me.

Do I know the right answer for these two? Nope. Wish I did. I would be a rich man if I could solve relational difficulties.

shanstress70 · #6 (**permalink**) 06-20-2006, 06:55 AM

Yes, I suppose I may have been a little pessimistic about the poster's situation. I realize that every relationship has its issues, but the way I read it, I heard a lot of doubt about whether they would make it. I think if he's already doubting that, why go through with it?

I think that people get married too quickly, before they really know each other, and that is one reason for the high divorce rate.

But then after thinking about it for a while, I somewhat changed my opinion. My husband and I dated only 3 months before getting married. We both had just come out of years-long realtionships, and realized that the amount of time spent dating didn't really guarantee anything. We fell in love, were both ready to get married, and we just did it!

Although things were awesome while we were dating, we didn't know each other that well, and we didn't live together till we were married. After the wedding, things changed QUICKLY! We drove each other insane... my neatness and his sloppiness, he was a night owl and I was an early riser, etc. etc. etc. I honestly didn't think we'd make it throught the first two years.

But we got counseling, learned to appreciate each other, and now have been married 8 years. We have a wonderful relationship and I truly see us together forever.

So yeah, they may be OK and have a long wonderful marriage. Only the two of them and God know.

Good luck!

MBASS · #7 (**permalink**) 06-20-2006, 11:31 AM

I often find when I make good choices that the adversary's power doubles in my life and things just go wrong. For example I recently went to the temple for the first time. My husband has turned a 180 and is almost anti-church now. HE has been a member all his life but inactive for several years now, but he has never been so hateful towards the gospel until i went to the temple. I know its Satans power working double time because he wants families to fail. He wants us all to fail! Make a decision and pray about it. Ponder and the answer will come!

shanstress70 · #8 (**permalink**) 06-20-2006, 11:48 AM

Quote:

I often find when I make good choices that the adversary's power doubles in my life and things just go wrong. For example I recently went to the temple for the first time. My husband has turned a 180 and is almost anti-church now. HE has been a member all his life but inactive for several years now, but he has never been so hateful towards the gospel until i went to the temple. I know its Satans power working double time because he wants families to fail. He wants us all to fail! Make a decision and pray about it. Ponder and the answer will come!
[/b]

Or perhaps he just doesn't believe anymore because of thinking things through, or praying about it, or whatever reasons he has. It happens. I personally think it has nothing to do with Satan.

MBASS · #9 (**permalink**) 06-29-2006, 01:32 PM

I disagree. I totally think Satan wants to destroy families. Look at the world. If my husband doesnt want to go to church thats ok with me. But his hatefulness is because of Satans influence in my opinion. I think that applies to everyone not just Mormons.

moroni · #10 (**permalink**) 07-21-2006, 11:29 PM

i think that if you are haveing trouble maybee you should take some time apart but still like be a twosome. Anyone who cares that much needs to really think hard before breaking up ( im sounding like oprah and DR. phill ). Your relationship sounds spedial and i think you should just take some time apart then see ech other again in about a couple of weeks or maybee a whole month. Then ( if you still love her and think tis the answer pop the question!