Need Encouragement, Advice

[Dror]

Hi folks,

Right now I'm in a very difficult position. My spouse has some great needs and I have some great needs. The situation we're in is primarily, though arguably not entirely, my fault. If I take care of my own needs, I cannot meet my spouse's. If I sacrifice my own needs, I have a better chance of meeting my spouse's needs, but there is no guarantee. I've spoken with a couple of people about the situation, and they say I need to take care of myself. Actually, one person I spoke to said it would be ok to make the sacrifice right now, but for the future to set some ground rules. Today I spoke with my bishop. He said that I need to take care of my needs first, and right now. He said if I don't take care of my needs first, I can't help my spouse in the long run. He knows our situation, including the fact it's my fault, but he says that at a certain point even the person whose fault it is not becomes responsible for taking certain steps to take care of themselves. Even though it seems selfish, my bishop says that is what is necessary.

My bishop and I have spoken about this before, and I've spoken with my spouse about it, too. I have usually taken the position that my spouse comes first, even though it meant disagreeing with the bishop. He's been very nice, and has not reprimanded me for differing, but he remains firm in his counsel. The situation has not changed over time, and I just don't know what to do. I'm seriously considering my bishop's counsel--in fact, I'm leaning in the direction of following his counsel--but I'm afraid of what my spouse will say when we talk about it and I say what I'm going to do. I'm afraid of what it'll do to our relationship, and I'm afraid of the old guilt trip.

How do I say "no" to my spouse?

Dror

P.S. We're not talking about trivialities here. The things in question are things we both really need, but cannot both have. Sorry to be so vague, but going into detail would really make this too long a story.

[Lindy]

..... Even though it seems selfish, my bishop says that is what is necessary.

My bishop and I have spoken about this before, ....... he remains firm in his counsel.
....... I'm seriously considering my bishop's counsel....... --and I'm afraid of the old guilt trip.

How do I say "no" to my spouse?[/b]

Sorry, I picked out a few key phrases for myself to comment on...
My two cents.... if you have spoken to your bishop before about the same problem.... and he remains firm in his counsel.... I'm thinking there's a reason for it. I say REALLY seriously consider his counsel.

And as for the old guilt trip? If you know that you are doing the best you can do to better yourself SO you can help take care of your spouse......
Ok, fine...whatever it is "primarily, though arguably not entirely" your fault. If you plan on taking care of both issues (yours and spouses) that is great.... I'm sure that if you take the time to tell her how you feel and what you are going to do to help remedy the situation..... it shouldn't matter if you take care of yourself first in order to be a better help to her. (I'm saying this on the assumption that nothing is life threatening at the moment) As long as she knows that you plan on taking care of business... that hopefully will be something positive for her to rely on.
Oh, and just my thoughts.... don't use the word "no" when you are talking to her.... sounds too final. Words like after, in awhile, soon.... are more hopeful than "no".

Hey, Good Luck

What are these needs? Why are you needier? Why is it your fault?

[boyando]

Hearing the answer from your Bishop is not enough. You must work it out in your mind, useing the advice that your Bishop has givin you and come up with a plan. Then take it to the Lord in prayer and ask if your plan is right. Your prayer's will be answered and in the long run, your marriage will be stronger.

[Dror]

<div class='quotemain'>
..... Even though it seems selfish, my bishop says that is what is necessary.

My bishop and I have spoken about this before, ....... he remains firm in his counsel.
....... I'm seriously considering my bishop's counsel....... --and I'm afraid of the old guilt trip.

How do I say "no" to my spouse?[/b]

Sorry, I picked out a few key phrases for myself to comment on...
My two cents.... if you have spoken to your bishop before about the same problem.... and he remains firm in his counsel.... I'm thinking there's a reason for it. I say REALLY seriously consider his counsel.

And as for the old guilt trip? If you know that you are doing the best you can do to better yourself SO you can help take care of your spouse......
Ok, fine...whatever it is "primarily, though arguably not entirely" your fault. If you plan on taking care of both issues (yours and spouses) that is great.... I'm sure that if you take the time to tell her how you feel and what you are going to do to help remedy the situation..... it shouldn't matter if you take care of yourself first in order to be a better help to her. (I'm saying this on the assumption that nothing is life threatening at the moment) As long as she knows that you plan on taking care of business... that hopefully will be something positive for her to rely on.
Oh, and just my thoughts.... don't use the word "no" when you are talking to her.... sounds too final. Words like after, in awhile, soon.... are more hopeful than "no".

Hey, Good Luck
[/b][/quote]
Thank you, I won't "Just say 'no'!" People keep telling me my spouse is taking advantage of me, to the point where my needs aren't being met, and frequently I think they're right, but I still have a very hard time feeling comfortable saying "Enough is enough." I love my spouse, after all, and want to take good care of them.

What are these needs? Why are you needier? Why is it your fault?
[/b]

Too complicated to go into. I am not needier--we are equally needy. For a long time I have been sacrificing my needs for the sake of my spouse, but feel like I'm getting worn down by it. Moreover, it doesn't seem to be getting either of us anywhere. I think my bishop's point is that maybe, just maybe, if I try something different and take care of myself now, things might change. My fear is that they will change for the worse! Nevertheless, the same old, same old doesn't seem to be working. Just don't know.

Hearing the answer from your Bishop is not enough. You must work it out in your mind, useing the advice that your Bishop has givin you and come up with a plan. Then take it to the Lord in prayer and ask if your plan is right. Your prayer's will be answered and in the long run, your marriage will be stronger.
[/b]

Yeah, I know. For some time now, I've kinda ignored my bishop's advice, figuring he didn't quite "get it." However, things aren't working for me, either, so maybe I don't "get it." So, I'm tempted to do what he says. I've been thinking and praying quite a bit, but don't feel I've gotten any answers. If the Lord's idea is to get me thinking for myself, I'm not best pleased!! I could REALLY use some serious guidance right now!

What you said reminds me of the saying "If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger." I'm just afraid that this will kill my marriage.