Still Feeling The Guilt

[Dumbo]

Hello folks,
I'm kind of looking for some advice/comments/etc... I'll get to the point.

Prior to being converted (15 years ago) my marriage was pretty rocky. Spiritually vunerable would be a good way to describe us at the time. But both my wife were dedicated to staying together so no matter what the problem was, we'd work it out. At the time I was in the military and I found myself heading overseas without the family for a long tour (3 years). I would go ahead of the family for a few months to get a place for the family to live and then they would follow. My wife and I were fighting at the time so when it came time for me to leave our parting was pretty bitter.

While I was alone I ended up dancing with the devil by letting myself fall into a pattern of behavior that lead up to a one night stand with a stranger. Afterwards I felt horrible (still do) and completely torn up in side. I went to counselors and sought spritual help from the base chaplin. I knew that if I told my wife what had happened that she would fall apart. Dispite our difficulties in marriage early on we both felt that we were meant to be together. I communicated as much to the chaplin and he told me that if there was no chance that my wife would find out what had happened then I should not burden her with my guilt. I have not repeated the mistake since.

A while later we met with the missionaries and were converted. One of the missionaries took me aside and asked me if there was anything that I needed to repent for (as is customary). I began to tell him what happened but he stopped me before I could complete discribe what happened. My feeling was that he knew where I was heading and he simply asked me if I was repentent and if I would never do it again. I was and I didn't.

Over the years my marriage has improved 800%. We click like clock work. I've made every effort to be worthy of being a husband and a father even though I feel so bad about what I did. I approached 2 diferent bishops about sins prior to baptism. I admit I was a bit coy on the subject. Not really coming out and saying that I commited adultery. But I did emphisize that I what I did was near unforgivable by oiur standards and was upset about what had occured. Each time I was told that what happened prior to being baptised was washed away.

So here I am. Still feeling bad. Sometimes I think that its the guilt that keeps me on the straight and narrow. That I needed a reminder of the kind of distruction that could occur to my family if I ever did that again. I'm a dedicated father and husband and look forward to our lives now and the hereafter. But every once in a while I begin to doubt that I did enough. My wife would still fall apart if she knew and that kills me. But at the same time I feel that telling her would be selfish on my part. God has blessed us continually and I'm certain that telling her would upset everything.

One of the biggest concerns my wife has is being worthy for the celestial kingdom. I would hate to find out that I'm not because I hadn't followed the rules. I'm as repentent as you can get the guilt gets heavy at times. Even with all this I'm still can't tell her

Well. Thanks for your ears. Sorry for the length.

D

[Heather]

I think my best advice would be to talk to your current bishop, and tell him what happened, and how you are feeling, including your desire not to hurt your wife by telling her what happened. I think it would be best if you also seek some professional counseling and find out for yourself what you need to do. Your wife could also be hurt not only by the cheating, but also knowing that you've kept something from her this long.

I think it would take a very heartless person to not to be feeling what you're feeling. Any person, LDS or not, fully repented or not, would still look back and feeling remorse by committing an act which has or could potentially hurt the ones they love.

[Lindy]

Hello D
It's really hard for me to say it will get better.... cause your'e always going to have that feeling of guilt IMO. Not that it's a bad thing altogether...it helps remind you of something you never want to feel again. I agree with Heather...it would take a heartless person to not feel bad about it....BUT, you need to lessen the severity of beating yourself up over it time and time again....
Heavenly Father forgave you your sin .... now you just need to forgive yourself. And believe me, forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things you can do.

I agree that you should find someone to talk to, unloading is great therapy..... writing is great therapy also.
But you don't want her to read your innermost thoughts of pain of guilt if you dont' think she can handle it.

Everyone has to find his/her own way of dealing with the guilt
IMHO, you knew you did something wrong.... you know your not going to do it again.... you made a mistake... welcome to the human race.... but you have learned from that mistake and you now have your prorities in line.... your eyes set on goals together as a family.
And one of the great things about baptism - it wipes the slate clean.... you had a fresh start when you took that plunge. THAT is something to keep thinking about too.... Can't keep dwelling on the past; and like I said it's harder to forgive oneself
I honestly believe that Satan takes our weaknesses and uses it against us when he can find the chances.... don't let him use guilt as a weapon to destroy your happiness.
JUST SAY NO!

[CaptainTux]

Dumbo,

You did it. You have talked to people about it. You have talked to counselors about it. You have not talked to your wife about it. Yes you are forgiven, yes your are cleansed. No, it does not exist anymore.

Here is where it gets tricky for you. A wife is your partner, your confidant, and your best friend. For you, you have a secret inside that you are keeping from the one person you should keep nothing from. I do not believe it is the infidelity that is bothering you so much as it is the secret and the fear that she will one day learn the truth and all the improvements you have made will disintegrate.

I get theat. As a husband and as a father you love what your wife and your kids see. They see a man. A man of honor and virtue and trust and protection. At the point you reveal something like this, that image may be shattered and all you hold dear may be lost.

Truth is, it may. Even if it is not, it will leave a dent and hurt for a spell.

You have 2 choices. Tell her and let the chips fall where they may or live with the secret knowing that some days it will nag at you and eat at you...and it should.

If it were me, I would choose to live with the secret and let it nag at me.

I do not mean to be harsh. I feel for you. I hope you get past this wrenching in your gut and forgive yoursellf.

[BenRaines]

There are two standards here to think about. As far as the church is concerned and what you feel you should do as a husband to your wife.

What you did before you had the gospel taught to you and for what you sought forgiveness for as you prepared for baptism is one thing. That was washed clean by your baptism if you truely felt remorse for what you had done and felt that you had offended the Lord in doing it. Had you committed the same sin after baptism then that is something you should take to the Bishop.

I have sat on several church councils for reinstating breathren to the church where the first council did not see a benefit on having the husband tell the wife what had happened in greater detail than they already had.

I agree with Tux on this one. Work with your personal prayers and show your wife in every way that you are and will always be faithful to her. What is past you have sought forgiveness from the Lord before baptism. Forgive yourself and work even harder to be the best husband and Dad. Lose yourself in the service of others.

Ben Raines

[CaptainTux]

Let me say this. My marriage rocks. I love it. Once, however, it was on the rocks. She left me. During that time apart, if she had been with someone else, I would not want to know. We are better now. I am not sure the thought of her with another would do me..or us...any good.

Stick with what Ben said. I think he hit the nail on the head!

[Dumbo]

I must say that talking about it has helped a bit. Someone mentioned that it can be harder to forgive yourself than to forgive others. There is truely something in that comment that should be considered.

Thank you all very much for your input.