Hurting And Need To Know What To Do...

[martie]

I have never done this before, and I can hardly believe I am doing this now.

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We were married right out of high school and had children right away. We actually have 8 children, including one who is on a mission and another who is in college.

I was very naive when we married, and it took me a long time to realize that my husband had a problem. Then I started noticing things-- some subtle, like how he always hesitated a long time over the women's underwear sections in catalogs, and some not-so-subtle things, like coming home with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in his backpack. I have spent the past 16 years with heartache,watching him "babe-watch" and turn his head after every scantily dressed woman, every woman in tight jeans, every beautiful woman at the beach, every Victoria's Secret store window, even sisters in our wards. When I have spoken to him about this, he becomes furious. He swears it is all in my head. He says I am making it up. Last year he came from a year-long military assignment overseas and his computer was full of the stuff he supposedly does not look at-- pictures of women wearing almost nothing-- and literally thousands of them. And yes, I did look. I confronted him and he became stone cold and would not speak to me for days.

He is totally obsessed.

After so many years of silence, I finally went to our bishop, which was incredibly difficult to do. He was no help at all, and said it's perfectly normal. He did not understand the level of what I am talking about. Imagine going out to dinner or to a movie or to church, and having your spouse so obsessed with gawking at women that he does not even hear a word you say. That is my life. Literally, I do not want to go anywhere with him. I am physically ill when he goes anywhere. Magazines at the checkout in WalMart hypnotize him. Waitresses, movies, TV, women at school functions, more.

On the rare occasions that my husband admits to what he does, he maintains that what he does is not porno, so there is nothing wrong with it. He says it does not arouse him, and he only looks at them because they are "pretty".

I should mention that we have a VERY good physical relationship. I have tried earnestly to help him, to talk to him, to resolve this with him. I have fasted and prayed hundreds of times. He will not go to counseling, and if I went, he would know why, and that would make him very upset.

We have moved recently, and we have a very well-seasoned bishop. Would it be appropriate to go talk to him? What would he do? Could he help us?

Please know that I truly love my husband, and I am dedicated to our marriage. I am just worn to a frazzled state with worrying and watching him gawk. I cannot bear living like this! I want to feel joy in life, and this is starting to really consume me.

I could really use two things-- a friend who understands, and some good advice. Besides that one bishop, I have never told a soul. I cannot keep it in much longer.

Martie

[miztrniceguy]

I have never done this before, and I can hardly believe I am doing this now.

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We were married right out of high school and had children right away. We actually have 8 children, including one who is on a mission and another who is in college.

I was very naive when we married, and it took me a long time to realize that my husband had a problem. Then I started noticing things-- some subtle, like how he always hesitated a long time over the women's underwear sections in catalogs, and some not-so-subtle things, like coming home with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in his backpack. I have spent the past 16 years with heartache,watching him "babe-watch" and turn his head after every scantily dressed woman, every woman in tight jeans, every beautiful woman at the beach, every Victoria's Secret store window, even sisters in our wards. When I have spoken to him about this, he becomes furious. He swears it is all in my head. He says I am making it up. Last year he came from a year-long military assignment overseas and his computer was full of the stuff he supposedly does not look at-- pictures of women wearing almost nothing-- and literally thousands of them. And yes, I did look. I confronted him and he became stone cold and would not speak to me for days.

He is totally obsessed.

After so many years of silence, I finally went to our bishop, which was incredibly difficult to do. He was no help at all, and said it's perfectly normal. He did not understand the level of what I am talking about. Imagine going out to dinner or to a movie or to church, and having your spouse so obsessed with gawking at women that he does not even hear a word you say. That is my life. Literally, I do not want to go anywhere with him. I am physically ill when he goes anywhere. Magazines at the checkout in WalMart hypnotize him. Waitresses, movies, TV, women at school functions, more.

On the rare occasions that my husband admits to what he does, he maintains that what he does is not porno, so there is nothing wrong with it. He says it does not arouse him, and he only looks at them because they are "pretty".

I should mention that we have a VERY good physical relationship. I have tried earnestly to help him, to talk to him, to resolve this with him. I have fasted and prayed hundreds of times. He will not go to counseling, and if I went, he would know why, and that would make him very upset.

We have moved recently, and we have a very well-seasoned bishop. Would it be appropriate to go talk to him? What would he do? Could he help us?

Please know that I truly love my husband, and I am dedicated to our marriage. I am just worn to a frazzled state with worrying and watching him gawk. I cannot bear living like this! I want to feel joy in life, and this is starting to really consume me.

I could really use two things-- a friend who understands, and some good advice. Besides that one bishop, I have never told a soul. I cannot keep it in much longer.

Martie
[/b]

talk to your bishop as soon as you can

[martie]

Thank you for answering.

Ultimately, what can the bishop do? I do not want my husband to be hurt. His feelings matter so much to me. I am a convert and do not know how everything works...

[miztrniceguy]

Thank you for answering.

Ultimately, what can the bishop do? I do not want my husband to be hurt. His feelings matter so much to me. I am a convert and do not know how everything works...
[/b]

he can give you better advise than i can

[StrawberryFields]

There are treatment programs for this kind of problems within the church.

Are his needs being met? Are you giving him what he likes in the catalogs?

[martie]

Very much so. I starve myself and work out every second I can, just to be tiny. I do everything to be like what he gawks at. I am 5'4" and am sitting at 115 pounds... and this after 8 children, 9 pregnancies. I dress the way he likes, and he says I look fabulous. We have a very active physical relationship. But it's not enough. It kills me. What do I do? Surgically enhance myself? Bleach my hair and dress sleezy? I literally have done everything I can. It's never enough.

From the time he was about 12, he was heavily exposed to pornography at his brother's house. How can I compete with that?

[MBASS]

Are his needs being met? Are you giving him what he likes in the catalogs?
[/b]

why is that always the question? Men get off the hook so easily, its ALWAYS the womans fault. ANyway Martie did mention she had a very good Physical relationship with her husband.

Now to MArtie, it is somewhat human nature to notice The Lord's fine work as I heard someone call it. I havee been guilty of looking at good looking men before. However, your husband does seem to be in a little deeper. I would definately talk to your bishop. He may not be into pornographic material now, but this behaviour could lead there. Good Luck.

[martie]

Thank you for your comments.

But, yeah, it goes way past that. He is literally obsessed. He will not discuss it, but I can see that it rules his life. Looking (and seeking after) is first and foremost, over everything else. I think he wants help, but he would never admit it.

I really see it more and more as a sickness.

I have hit rock bottom. I guess I will try to talk to our bishop, but I am not sure about how to go about that without making my husband suspicious. I really do not need more stress in our marriage than what we have now.

Unhappiness has taken over everything for me, much as I have fought it. It's hard to always come in last place in his world.

And it's hard to keep up with the cheerful and happy act. This has taken about everything out of me.

[Dr T]

Hello Martie,

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I do not want to add to your stress so please understand taht I am not saying that this is happening in your situation. I do know that this type of "addiction" often progresses to prostitution use. I only bring this up to make sure that you consider the possible dangers and talk to him directly about it.

Just my two cents