What Would You Do?

CoGuy · #1 (**permalink**) 08-06-2006, 02:39 PM

I'm a priesthood holder, and have been married in the temple. I love my wife and kids very much.

Recently, however, I did a very bad thing. My family was out of town, and I couldn't go because of work. Lonely, I ended up seeing a woman and committed adultery. It absolutely made me sick, and I can't believe I've done this. I got home that night and just cried. I knew what I did was horrible. I also know that what I'm supposed to do is talk to the Bishop, at which point I'm guessing I'd be ex-communicated or disfellowshipped. If I were a single guy, and had done something like this, I would take the proper steps knowing that I was hurting only myself.

However, I have a dilemma. I could very easily keep this to myself and nobody would ever know. But, if I tell the Bishop, I'm going to get disciplined by the church, and then my wife will know. It will destroy her, and my family. I know that if she finds out I did this, it's over. Then, I lose my family over this one stupid mistake - something I know I'll never repeat because I never want to feel like this again.

So, here are my options:

1) Tell the Bishop. That will, as I said, probably get me excommunicated, end my marriage, ruin my wife's life, ruin a relationship with my kids (not to mention affect them in a bad way down the road), and my extended family. It will also cause me to lose many of my friends. But, for me, it's probably necessary if I want to get back on the right path for myself.

2) Keep it to myself. This will save my relationship with my wife and kids, with my extended family and friends. It will also mean that when I go to the temple, or accept callings I'll be lying.

I realize these are things I should have thought of before hand, but now I'm stuck. What should I do? Is there any way to repent of this sin without having to tell anyone??

BenRaines · #2 (**permalink**) 08-06-2006, 03:47 PM

There will be those who come here that will tell you to keep it to yourself and it is only between you and God or Jesus Christ.

If you are a priesthood holder and have been to the temple you know you have made covenants that include chastity in marriage, meaning only with your wife.

A one time occurence does not always mean excommunication. You will never know until you go and talk to your Bishop. It all depends on level or remorse, number of occurences and how the Bishop is inspired and directed to handle it.

For peace of mind and to go forward in truth and honesty go and talk to your Bishop.

Ben Raines

aportmann · #3 (**permalink**) 08-06-2006, 03:54 PM

Coming from a wife who has feared for this same kind of situation (my husband is addicted to porn), I'm sorry, but you're not going to get much sympathy from me. And I am going to be very blunt.

It is very unfair to your wife NOT to tell her. You say that you will lose your marriage and your kids, but that is not something YOU should be deciding with something that is affecting them. You have betrayed your wife's faith and trust. There are some that would still be able to forgive. I don't think that I am one.

You mentioned that you should have thought of the consequences before, but since you didn't, now you have to live with them. Be a man and live up to them. Don't be like the "man" (Satan) who cheered when this happened. Don't take the choice away from your wife. If she hears about what happened years down the road it will hurt her.

BenRaines · #4 (**permalink**) 08-06-2006, 03:59 PM

Beside the moral implications of this what about the STD concern? Do you normally play Russian Roulette with a gun? That is what you have done from an STD position and now you are doing the same with your wife if you are having intimate relations.

Get on the right track.

Ben Raines

CoGuy · #5 (**permalink**) 08-06-2006, 05:11 PM

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate you giving your advice.

Lindy · #6 (**permalink**) 08-06-2006, 05:50 PM

Quote:

I'm a priesthood holder, and have been married in the temple. I love my wife and kids very much.

Recently, however, I did a very bad thing. My family was out of town, and I couldn't go because of work. Lonely, I ended up seeing a woman and committed adultery. It absolutely made me sick, and I can't believe I've done this. I got home that night and just cried. I knew what I did was horrible. I also know that what I'm supposed to do is talk to the Bishop, at which point I'm guessing I'd be ex-communicated or disfellowshipped. If I were a single guy, and had done something like this, I would take the proper steps knowing that I was hurting only myself.

However, I have a dilemma. I could very easily keep this to myself and nobody would ever know. But, if I tell the Bishop, I'm going to get disciplined by the church, and then my wife will know. It will destroy her, and my family. I know that if she finds out I did this, it's over. Then, I lose my family over this one stupid mistake - something I know I'll never repeat because I never want to feel like this again.

So, here are my options:

1) Tell the Bishop. That will, as I said, probably get me excommunicated, end my marriage, ruin my wife's life, ruin a relationship with my kids (not to mention affect them in a bad way down the road), and my extended family. It will also cause me to lose many of my friends. But, for me, it's probably necessary if I want to get back on the right path for myself.

2) Keep it to myself. This will save my relationship with my wife and kids, with my extended family and friends. It will also mean that when I go to the temple, or accept callings I'll be lying.

I realize these are things I should have thought of before hand, but now I'm stuck. What should I do? Is there any way to repent of this sin without having to tell anyone??
[/b]

You struck a nerve with that second paragraph CoGuy.....and I'll also be blunt with you... it seems it is all about YOU. You seem more worried about yourself than what you did to your marriage and your wife. That stinks.
Your first concern in my opinion is saving your wife and your marriage along with it. You knew you were married... you knew it was wrong... you did it anyway. That means facing the consequences.
Your wife and marriage should be your number one concern right now.... not "oh what's going to happen to me?" PFFFFFFT

Palerider · #7 (**permalink**) 08-06-2006, 06:10 PM

If you are married and sealed in the Temple to your wife....it could be up to your Stake President what is done with you. Your Bishop will have to speak with him about it first. At this point you don't know what will happen with you and your church membership. I am working with a couple right now where the man made a dumb choice and did the same thing you did. This mans wife is still with him....this was her choice....will she be with him in a month....no one knows. I currently have them going to counseling. I hope and pray this will help them. I keep in touch with them every week....either by personal visit or phone call. My advise.....TELL YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!.........tell her now.

CoGuy · #8 (**permalink**) 08-06-2006, 10:10 PM

Lindy,

I will have to disagree with you to a point. My first concern is not "oh, what's going to happen to me?" If there were no wife and kids involved, I'd walk in and take my discipline. My first concern is how this is going to affect them, and I know it will devastate them.

I realize my choice has put me in this spot, but don't think I'm selfish about it. I know I didn't show much concern for my family at the time, but that really, truly is my top concern at this point.

But, you guys are right, that I need to go in and talk to the bishop. It's true that this doesn't necessarily mean ex-communication, and I do want to take the steps necessary to repent, but I want to do it in a way that hurts the innocent (my family) the least. What I did was selfish, but I don't think my concern now is selfish.

Palerider, are you a bishop or stake president??

Palerider · #9 (**permalink**) 08-06-2006, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Lindy,

I will have to disagree with you to a point. My first concern is not "oh, what's going to happen to me?" If there were no wife and kids involved, I'd walk in and take my discipline. My first concern is how this is going to affect them, and I know it will devastate them.

I realize my choice has put me in this spot, but don't think I'm selfish about it. I know I didn't show much concern for my family at the time, but that really, truly is my top concern at this point.

But, you guys are right, that I need to go in and talk to the bishop. It's true that this doesn't necessarily mean ex-communication, and I do want to take the steps necessary to repent, but I want to do it in a way that hurts the innocent (my family) the least. What I did was selfish, but I don't think my concern now is selfish.

Palerider, are you a bishop or stake president??
[/b]

the first one........

StrawberryFields · #10 (**permalink**) 08-06-2006, 11:33 PM

I am not a man, but I am a long time married woman, and a longer time member of the church.

I believe that if we are living the gospel we would be hard pressed for a mess up like you mentioned. What I mean is that I would think that this was something you had thought about many times before it happened. Think about the things that led up to this. Maybe some "innocent flirting" took place, maybe someone you work with who showed some liking to you?

If my husband and family were to leave town I wouldn't have the slightest direction on where to look for a "good time" because I don't ever let myself go down that path.

Your wife deserves to know. You deceived her at least once, don't deceive her again by keeping this from her. I would think to do so, would also be a huge barrier between you and her for the rest of your life.