between a rock and a hard place

[mammabear]

Kind of long...

So I'll just start from the beginning. I was baptized in Oct. 1994. I was baptized by a missionary 5 years older than me he was 24/25. He wrote to me on his mission and even snuck phone calls to me, a boyfriend on a mission basically. The things he said as a missionary are something a jack mormon would say not a missionary or even an R.M. I was young single and went to the singles ward. Got hit on by a foul OLDER (no kidding he was like 34+ years old and still in the singles ward and I was 19) stake missionary guy (this was obviously a different guy than the full time missionary. He would make horrible comments. Since I didn't have a car then he was my primary ride to the ward because none of my family was/is Mormon anyway from the behavior of both of these guys the lack of a ride and I was young and naive I left the church for a while. I got into some pretty serious sexual transgression.

I met another Mormon at work and was seriously considering going back to church then one day in a conversation I told him I read a book from a disgruntled exmormon about the temple. It was "Secret Ceremonies" by Deborah (forgot her last name) but he assumed I read something called "the godmakers" I had never heard of this book and was intrigued at it. I went and bought one and read it and had my name removed from records because I was convinced of it's truth.

Fast forward a few years. I met my husband and we married and had a little girl. He worked at a job that was 98% Mormons. So we got to talking to his boss and coworkers and I was convinced that the godmakers guy Decker was a liar and that I needed to stick to Church approved writings. Well we called the missionaries, took the lessons and I after a good confession in front of the bishop and his counselors was rebaptized by my newly baptized husband who was ordained an aaronic priesthood holder. We became active in our Ward for 3 months. My husband was preparing to get a patriarchal blessing and then we purchased "LDS collector's library 2006" on CD rom. I was reading and wanted to read some early church stuff. Well I came across Journal of Discourses and History of the Church and found stuff that was a little disheartening-comments made by Brigham Young about blacks etc. That was the beginning of the end. I was also getting phone calls from our ex-pastor a southern baptist guy and they gave us a book on the trinity. We were visited by the missionaries and they brought the bishop's first counselor with them and we sat and talked for an hour or so and I said some things that very well could have caused those boys to lose their faith-to which after 6 years living outside the church I'm truly very ashamed of. Being outside the church is awful. It's nothing but stress and confusion. I want to go back I'm done with uncertainty. I have new found faith in the church. We are attending a catholic like church that meets in a grange hall with around 30 people. We are the only ones that are having children. The rest are too old and or not interested in having more children. (their comments) It's very sad that my kids are the only ones. They have no reason as to WHY they are who they are (their denomination) except that they think it's "the best we can do in this day in age". How sad is that.

The thing is that my husband has this best friend that has CONVINCED him never to change his view in drinking alcohol and that this little church is the best we can do in this day of apostasy. The visiting teachers have come to our house once a year the last 3 years to see if we'd like to go back to church and how we are doing. They never are invited in and my husband sternly tells them that we are happy as Anglicans. (which is not true) He's hoping to go to seminary for that church and start a mission church of his own so he can teach what he wants. I'm miserable. I haven't been happy at ANY of the churches we've gone to since we've been away from the church. (several different locations and denominations) He'll never let us go back to the church (let me go or take the kids with me). They were all baptized as infants/my oldest as a toddler. He thinks that communion (sacraments) have to have wine in them and that they are truly Christ's body and blood. He has been totally swayed by this older friend of his (he's 8 years older).

I don't know what to do. I told him that I can't believe that God would leave us in this mess of confusion and insanity. I don't nor have I ever understood/believed in the trinity. I don't believe He'd leave us without a church. I was told by my bishop when I was rebaptized that it basically activated my past record and that the original baptism was reinstated and the rebaptism won't have a record attached to it. So I'm wondering after my rebaptism and reconfirmation am I still a member? When the visiting teachers come over they only ask for my husband. So I wonder am I still a member?

I'm afraid and ashamed to call our current bishop. I know what ward we belong to and his name...should I call to see?

Thanks
Mammabear

[Backroads]

As far as I can understand, you are still a member in all technicality unless you've specifically asked to have your name removed. By all means, call your bishop. I work with a bunch of them and weird calls such as this aren't exactly new.

What I see as the big struggle here is the difference of faith between you and your husband. You seem to want to have your family go to a church together. Which is a very good thing in general, but perhaps not as much when it's making you so miserable.

[BrendaM]

It's tough to be in a marriage where religion separates you.
Since I don't know all of your circumstances...I can only tell you what I would do. I would call the Bishop and meet with him. Have a talk with your husband and let him know that you are not spiritually fufilled with his beliefs, and want to attend service at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Explain that you would be a happier person attending, happier wife and mother.

It's up to you to step forward and do what you know to be right. For you. And your children.