Do I Tell My Wife?

[TimA.]

Robbie,

I like the 12 steps first written by Alcoholics Anonomous founder Bill Wilson back in the 1930s. Here is step 8 and 9:

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

There is an LDS verson of these steps too from an organization called Heart to Heart that uses LDS scriptures in the steps. Here are steps 8 and 9 from them:

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make restitution to all of them (even those we had harmed in what we might have considered righteous anger) desiring instead to be peacemakers, and to do all that we could to come unto God by being first reconciled to our brothers. (3 Nephi 12:9; 3 Nephi 12:24; 3 Nephi 12:44-45)

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Made restitution directly to those we had harmed, confessing our own wrong doing in each instance, except when to do so would further injure them or others. (Mosiah 27:35; 3 Nephi 12:25; Mosiah 26:30)


In my mind these are steps to repentence and living ad God would have us live. Notice in both versions it says "except when to do so would further injure them or others." It is by grace we are saved after all we can do. It seems to me from what you told us you have done all you can do that would not cause further harm. Also your wife is comanded like we all are to forgive. Would this be a temptation for her that she is not ready for?

I cant tell you what to do except to fast and pray, you have the gift of the Holy Ghost though to guide you if you seek it.

I think I would advise you that you have seen your weakness and it would be wise to be on guard and take steps to prevent anything like this from happening again because it may well go further next time. Those steps might include some kind of counseling perhaps for you and your wife.

Good luck to you brother. Here are both versions of the 12 steps if you would like to read them. It says powerless over alcohol but any weakness can replace alcohol and we are all powerless over something.

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I believe these 12 steps to repentence are steps unto Christ.

Tim

Original 12 steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

LDS Version

1. We admitted we were powerless over compulsive/addictive behaviors* -- that our lives had become unmanageable. Admitted that we of ourselves are powerless, nothing without God. (Mosiah 4:5; Alma 26:12)
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Came to believe that God has all power and all wisdom, and that in His strength we can do all things. (Mosiah 4:9; Alma 26:12)

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Made the decision to reconcile ourselves to the will of God, offer our whole souls as an offering unto Him, and trust Him in all things forever. (2 Nephi 10:24; Omni 1:26; Mosiah 3:19, 2 Nephi 4:34)

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Made a searching and fearless written inventory of our past in order to thoroughly examine ourselves as to our pride and other weaknesses, with the intent of recognizing our own carnal state and our need for Christ's Atonement. (Alma 15:17; Mosiah 4:2; Jacob 4:6-7; Ether 12:27)

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Honestly shared this inventory with God and with another person thus demonstrating the sincerity of our repentance, and our willingness to give away all our sins that we might know Him. (Mosiah 26:29; Alma 22:18)

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Became humble enough to yield our hearts and our lives to Christ for His sanctification and purification, relying wholly upon His merits, acknowledging even our own best efforts as unprofitable. (Helaman 3:35, 2 Nephi 31:19; Mosiah 2:20-21)

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. Humbly cried unto the Lord Jesus Christ, in our hearts, for a remission of sins, that through His mercy and His grace we might experience a mighty change of heart, lose all disposition to do evil and thus be encircled about in the arms of safety because of His great and last sacrifice. (Alma 36:18; Alma 38:8; Moroni 10:32; Mosiah 5:2; Alma 34:15-16)

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make restitution to all of them (even those we had harmed in what we might have considered righteous anger) desiring instead to be peacemakers, and to do all that we could to come unto God by being first reconciled to our brothers. (3 Nephi 12:9; 3 Nephi 12:24; 3 Nephi 12:44-45)

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Made restitution directly to those we had harmed, confessing our own wrong doing in each instance, except when to do so would further injure them or others. (Mosiah 27:35; 3 Nephi 12:25; Mosiah 26:30)

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Realizing that the weakness to be tempted and to sin is a part of the mortal experience, we continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it, being willing to repent as often as needed. (2 Nephi 4:18; 2 Nephi 10:20; Mosiah 26:30)

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, seeking the words of Christ through the power of the Holy Ghost, that they might tell us all things that we should do, praying only for a knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. (2 Nephi 32:3; Alma 37:37; Helaman 10:4)

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others still suffering from the effects of compulsive behaviors and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Having experienced a mighty change and having awakened unto God as a result of our sincere repentance demonstrated in taking these steps, we were willing to become instruments in carrying this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs. (Alma 5:7; Mosiah 27:36-37; Moroni 7:3)

* Any problem may be inserted here in place of "compulsive/addictive behaviors."

[Jason]

Rosie and Tim,

Fantastic advice.

[rosie321]

Just had an awful thought, I sure hope your name is not RobbieWinters (Hopefully its just a pen name right? ) or your wife may find out sooner than you'd like and in a way you might not like.





She wouldn't just stumble on this site or have friends on it?

Guess it just goes to show you never know the day or hour of judgement

[tbauro]

Hey robbie,

I'm going to give you the opposite advice of the majority here. I would NOT tell your wife. If what happened years ago was a stupid mistake and it will never happen again, then keep it to yourself. Putting myself in the wife's position, since I am one, I would not want to know something that was stupid and meant nothing. For me, in this situation, ignorance is bliss. If I was told by my husband about an isolated incident like yours, that really was just bad judgement, there's a chance that just knowing could cause unnecessary distrust; especially if you know that it will never happen again. Knowing may hurt your wife more than not knowing. Just my 2cents. Good luck!

M.
[/b]

Robbie,

I agree with Maureen, NEVER TELL YOU WIFE.

Im a married woman I know what a married woman feels so please do not tell your wife.

[Saraphina]

Wow I'm a bit late on this but.....why weren't you thinking of your [I]dear [I] kids when you were kissing another woman? Maybe not thinking with the heart then? Hmmm. Part of sin like this is confessing. Your wife deserves to know. Suck it up and realize a kiss when you're married is still CHEATING.

[richlittell]

NO NO NO NO NO!
Don't tell your wife. You all may not agree with me, but there are much much bigger issues here than a kiss. There are deeper issues as to why this happened in the first place. Talk to your Bishop, yes, and start working on the issues that will bring you greater spirituality.

A woman once wounded will never forget (and some will never forgive). If the problems underlying the thing that led you to the kiss get bigger, you will indeed divorce and that will be horrible for you kids!!

I once tried this "honesty in all things" policy with my ex, and it BACKFIRED completely, and now we, both of us, live in regret that our children have suffered both our stupidities. And, let me add this. When I went to my wife, I hadn't even kissed or held hands with another woman. I was beginning to have some feelings emerge for a co-worker, and I got scared and thought the best way to work it out was with my wife.. NO NO NO NO NO.. What should I have done?
Gone to my Bishop and worked out some kind of plan, then later, if the both of you are absolutely inspired that your wife should know, then the time will be right.

[richlittell]

p.s
you can't assume that every LDS woman is an angel and spiritually strong enough to handle something like this, even some who may appear to be spiritual giants might indeed not be truly that strong. Talk to the Bishop, work out a plan.

[Connie]

I find myself surprised by this thread. As a wife myself, i would absolutely want to know. I do, however, have a very strong relationship with my husband. We believe in communication. I think i very nearly do tell him every stray thought that enters my head.

If, however, you believe your wife has issues with forgiveness, as many people do, then i think what many others have said here is probably the best thing in your situation, namely, go to your bishop or a counselor first and talk it out with them.

Also, divorce affects not only small children but children who are grown and moved out even, so don't think that waiting until they are grown and gone will have no affect on them.

[mightynancy]

If your wife would divorce you over a few kisses, there's something else wrong with your relationship. I'm absolutely not saying that what you did is okay. It isn't. But a husband who wants to work on his marriage shouldn't fear summary dismissal for telling the truth about a mistake. There are marriages that survive a full-fledged affair when both parties are committed.

Is she looking for an excuse to get divorced? It seems to me there must be more going on, on your end, on hers, or both.

[ruthiechan]

Originally Posted by the_jason

Absolutely. We must be honest in our dealings and be willing to accept the consequences. Ignoring or hiding a sin will not make it go away. We have to pay for them eventually. It's better for us if we do not procrastinate our repentance.

I have not read all the replies, but I would not tell her a thing.

I would talk to your Bishop, and tell him what you told us. You've already started the process of repentance by not doing it again and removing yourself from the situation and the person.

If you went all the way, then I'd get myself to the doc right quick to test for STD's (though HPV is not testable in men). If not, I still would because seriously, who knows where that mouth of hers has been.

Unless the Spirit directs you to tell her anything, I would keep my mouth shut. It is better for your family. Why break up your home just to make yourself feel better? That would be a selfish thing to do don't you think?