Do I Tell My Wife?

[Dr T]

I'd love to hear what he decided to do with that information and how it turned out. After all, the OP was over a year ago.

[MorningStar]

She has the right to know. There are many things that upset spouses that people should tell their spouses about anyway - overspending, infidelity, etc. Painful consequences aren't a good reason to withhold information. If she finds out somehow and you aren't upfront, she will think you did something else. That's what happens when spouses lie. The other spouse thinks, "If they lied about that, what else did they lie about?" When my friend got a bunch of credit cards without telling her husband, he was so upset, he was asking her if she had a boyfriend too or was on drugs. It is much better to hear it from your spouse than find out some other way.

[ruthiechan]

Originally Posted by mightynancy

If your wife would divorce you over a few kisses, there's something else wrong with your relationship. I'm absolutely not saying that what you did is okay. It isn't. But a husband who wants to work on his marriage shouldn't fear summary dismissal for telling the truth about a mistake. There are marriages that survive a full-fledged affair when both parties are committed.

Is she looking for an excuse to get divorced? It seems to me there must be more going on, on your end, on hers, or both.

There are many women who view any amount of cheating as deal breakers. It may not have anything to do with looking for an excuse to get a divorce, but their own firm belief that any kind of cheating should not be tolerated and is grounds for divorce. His wife probably felt this way before they even married. I personally disagree with such a notion as it is a rather unforgiving view point.

[ruthiechan]

Originally Posted by MorningStar

She has the right to know. There are many things that upset spouses that people should tell their spouses about anyway - overspending, infidelity, etc. Painful consequences aren't a good reason to withhold information. If she finds out somehow and you aren't upfront, she will think you did something else. That's what happens when spouses lie. The other spouse thinks, "If they lied about that, what else did they lie about?" When my friend got a bunch of credit cards without telling her husband, he was so upset, he was asking her if she had a boyfriend too or was on drugs. It is much better to hear it from your spouse than find out some other way.

You have a point there, but I still stand by the keep your mouth shut until the Spirit directs you to open it. Otherwise it could end very badly.

There's always the thought of telling her in front of the Bishop after talking to the Bishop about it. . . but that's something the OP, the Bishop and The Lord need to talk about.

[ruthiechan]

Originally Posted by Dr T

I'd love to hear what he decided to do with that information and how it turned out. After all, the OP was over a year ago.

*sheepish* I didn't even notice that. I just figured it was all new since it was up at the top.

[unixknight]

Originally Posted by Vanilla

Maybe you should have thought about your children BEFORE you kissed another woman! I don't mean to come off so harsh, but you were aware of how your wife felt before you did it, so why are you trying to use the kids as an excuse to not tell her now.

With respect, the part I bolded above is not in the least bit constructive. Of course he should have thought more before it happened but it's done now and pointing that out comes across as just an excuse for being rigid now in the response. (Not saying that's how you mean it, only that it comes across that way.) It's just another way of saying "Well you deserve whatever you get" which I vehemently disagree with.

Let's be honest here... A kiss isn't, in the grand scheme of things, anything like the worst case scenario. Frankly I'm more concerned with the idea that the wife would leave him over something like this. Kissing? Someone is honestly ready to end a marriage with kids over a few kisses? I'm sorry but that just doesn't strike me as at all reasonable.

Of course the wife has every right to feel hurt, betrayed, angry and everything in between, but people have done far worse than a few kisses and been able to repair the marriage. To be completely honest, I think the wife needs an adjustment on perspective before she's told anything.

If guilt is eating you up over it then yes, you should get it off your chest but it seems like some careful handling of this is in order. I think like PC said, maybe in an environment where it can be brought out in the open in a structured, constructive manner is the best place.

And yeah, ask the Bishop about it. If he tells you to tell her well then go the counseling route and prepare her first. I see no reason for the Bishop to object to that, especially when she's already given you that ultimatum. (Which hopefully she doesn't really mean.)

[deydream]

I commend you for stopping before making any worse mistakes with the OW. That takes a strong man to see where things are leading to, and ending it right away. Many people who cheat on their spouse say they didn't think things would go so far. It is a road that starts with thoughts, flirting, and goes on from there. Most people just don't look where they are going.

No matter how far the infidelity went, or how long ago, the wife does have a right to know. Talk to the bishop first to contiue the repentance process (confessing, and making restitution). Just stopping the sin isn't enought to repent. The bishop can also give you guidance on how to approach this problem. Pray to find the most gentle way to break it to her, and make sure you are sincere and show her your regret. If you have already talked to the bishop before, it will show you really feel sorry. Discuss with her a way to rebuild the trust you have lost (it is in your court now). Show her that you will hide nothing from her, because you have nothing else to hide.

The fact that you and your wife were having problems, and you turned outside the marriage, is a huge problem in itself. She probably didn't know how badly you felt. How can she work things out if she doesn't even know how serious the problems are? I think you underestmate your wife. Most women suspect something is going on by their husbands actions, but can't prove it.

Every woman I have ever met, including myself has said we would leave our husbands if they cheated on us. But it is different, when it actually happens to you, especially if you have kids. Take it from someone who has stayed through infidelity twice. However, 3 strikes and you're out in my book!

[candyprpl]

I've read most of the posts but not all, so if I say something someone has already said, I apologize.

In your original post you said you and your wife were separated at the time? Not that that makes it okay to flirt with someone else and kiss this person -- but your wife might be a little more understanding about the situation? I don't know your wife - of course - so I don't know how she'll react. I understand that she said she would leave you if she found out that something like this happened -- it's a lot easier to say something like that than it is to carry out. I also don't know how strong your relationship is or if you have Heavenly Father as the third party in your relationship -- but if you do have these things then I would suggest that you do what everyone else has already suggested. My experience is that secrets are just as damaging as the act itself. I know that it won't be easy and that you are worried about your kids but I still feal that 'the secret' will hurt them more than the truth, in the long run. If this had happened to me and the guilt feeling wasn't going away, I would need to go to the Bishop and discuss this with him.

Many years ago (long, long before I joined the church) my husband and I had a similar situation, except I was the one who had flirted and had allowed some kissing (one time) to happen. I hated myself -- I loved my husband and I couldn't understand how I could let something like that happen. The guilt became too unbearable and I told him. He was hurt and mad but we talked and talked and talked and I gained his trust back. We loved eachother and that's what we focused on. We made sure that romance was part of the healing process.

[Islander]

Originally Posted by robbiewinters

I have been married for 10 years and have always been completely faithful. I have never flirted with another girl and my wife is the only woman I have had any relations with. We went through a bad spell a couple of years ago and I started flirting (I thought harmlesslessly with a workmate). One thing led to another and we ended up kissing. This happened a few times over a couple of weeks. I realised how stupid this was. I stopped it. I broke off contact and got a new job where I don't see her. Do you think I should tell my wife. I am certain that she will end the marriage if I do. Is it better just to keep this to myself and never do it again. Would this be considered sinful not to confess. Do I need to tell my bishop who will then probably tell me to discuss with my wife?

Any advise please?

The most unfortunately and delicate situation. I would not ad to the chastising you have already received from some of the members of the forum. I would rather concentrate on the question at hand.

Disclosure of transgressions of any kind kind has to meet a number of conditions: one that the situation at hand has the potential of hurting/injuring physically the offended party. Two: that the offense had the potential to destroy the marriage on account of the transgression being grounds to dissolve the sealing. Three that the offended party is required to be involved for monitoring, support, encouragement, treatment and/or accountability.

I suggest that although your wife will be extremely unhappy, upset and incensed about this kind of behavior, I doubt seriously she will run to the court house and file for divorce. Again, I am in no way minimizing or exonerating you from your disloyalty. However, I am suggesting that it may actually be quite toxic and counter productive to share something that happened 2 years ago with no further repercussions. It is the kind of information that can push a marriage into a coma when the affliction was actually a very bad cold. I would be inclined to keep it quiet and put this behind you.

I would feel much better if you would have gone to counseling to understand (truly) the root cause of your affair. A "rough patch" is not insight. You could be referring to several days of indigestion for all I know. I think some professional intervention would provide the level of understanding as to hedge against further "rough patches" leading to kissing or something worse.

You should be brave and humble and consult with your bishop. It may illicit the kind of repentance sometimes needed to close forever this "escape hatch" built out of weakness. He is also the most indicated to suggest after all if you should or not share this with your wife.

Just my two cents. More like three, I thought.

Wow. I came looking for this exact discussion, I'm in a similar situation and was agonizing over what to do. Even though it sounds like opinion is strong on confessing to bishop/spouse/both, I gotta say, it's not gonna happen for me... no way am I brave enough to face that road. At least not today.