Do I Tell My Wife?

robbiewinters · #1 (**permalink**) 06-07-2007, 08:38 AM

I have been married for 10 years and have always been completely faithful. I have never flirted with another girl and my wife is the only woman I have had any relations with. We went through a bad spell a couple of years ago and I started flirting (I thought harmlesslessly with a workmate). One thing led to another and we ended up kissing. This happened a few times over a couple of weeks. I realised how stupid this was. I stopped it. I broke off contact and got a new job where I don't see her. Do you think I should tell my wife. I am certain that she will end the marriage if I do. Is it better just to keep this to myself and never do it again. Would this be considered sinful not to confess. Do I need to tell my bishop who will then probably tell me to discuss with my wife?

Any advise please?

JcDean78 · #2 (**permalink**) 06-07-2007, 08:46 AM

Tough situation my friend. If she does not find out this life, she sure will in the next. My advice is to be honest with her and prove that she is the only one you want. I would also involve the Bishop as this is a very serious thing.

I can not keep anything from my wife. The guilt would eat me up inside until it destroyed me. Rid yourself of this burden and tell her the truth. The path ahead will not be easy, but at least it will be the right path.

Missitta · #3 (**permalink**) 06-07-2007, 08:49 AM

My advice as a wife.....ABSOUTELY TELL HER!!!!!! From experience the things you try to hide come out eventually whether it takes months or years and normally in a horrible way that will hurt your relationship way worse than you coming clean will. You said you have already been hiding this for years...think about how much relief you will feel when you get it off your chest. Will she be mad? Of course and very understandably so. She will most likely yell, scream, threaten to leave, all of it and you will need to take it. Don't let her feel that she was to blame in any way. Just let her know it was a mistake and you want to save your marriage.

And definitely tell your bishop as well.

Best of luck to you.

Brother Dorsey · #4 (**permalink**) 06-07-2007, 09:14 AM

Robbie....
I agree with Jc and Lil...tell your wife....you have already repented in regards to ending the sin, now you have to repent in regards to the one you offended....your wife. This is the reason it is eating you up inside...the Spirit is telling you that the repentance process is not over yet. Will she be hurt? Yes, Mad? Yes...however if she truly loves you she will forgive you. And remember, the Lord can't forgive you until you forgive yourself.
I am not sure if just kissing is an offense you have to go to your Bishop about, but keep the option open if your wife wants too.

robbiewinters · #5 (**permalink**) 06-07-2007, 09:30 AM

My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply

the_jason · #6 (**permalink**) 06-07-2007, 10:49 AM

Quote:

My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply
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Absolutely. We must be honest in our dealings and be willing to accept the consequences. Ignoring or hiding a sin will not make it go away. We have to pay for them eventually. It's better for us if we do not procrastinate our repentance.

robbiewinters · #7 (**permalink**) 06-07-2007, 10:54 AM

Quote:

<div class='quotemain'>
My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply
[/b]

Absolutely. We must be honest in our dealings and be willing to accept the consequences. Ignoring or hiding a sin will not make it go away. We have to pay for them eventually. It's better for us if we do not procrastinate our repentance.
[/b][/quote]
I am fine about suffering for it. What about my children? Should they suffer for it?

JcDean78 · #8 (**permalink**) 06-07-2007, 10:57 AM

Quote:

<div class='quotemain'>
My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply
[/b]

Absolutely. We must be honest in our dealings and be willing to accept the consequences. Ignoring or hiding a sin will not make it go away. We have to pay for them eventually. It's better for us if we do not procrastinate our repentance.
[/b][/quote]

110% agree. We must be honest and true in our dealings. We must not have anything to hide, one day all will be revealed. As for your kids, that is up to you and your wife. If she leaves you it will be hard on everyone but you can not justify covering it up. You owe it to your wife and your children to clear it up now.

It sounds like you have come here looking for support in telling you it is ok not to tell your wife. You seem to be searching for excusses when you know already what the right thing to do is. The choice is clear.

prisonchaplain · #9 (**permalink**) 06-07-2007, 12:05 PM

I'm not so sure I agree with the consensus here. While the OP discusses very inappropriate behavior, in the end the brother was mightily tempted, but did not commit adulterly.

In the end, disclosure may be necessary. However, it might be wise to seek counseling first. Perhaps there is a marriage counselor you could seek out--one who is sensitive to your faith tradition. Go alone, spell out what happened, what you've been through. Then, see what advice is offered. It might be that you will eventually meet jointly with your wife, and this matter may then come out in a healing environment, rather than as an out-of-the-blue bombshell.

wiley · #10 (**permalink**) 06-07-2007, 01:38 PM

Whether you should tell your wife or not; I think the answer is in you. It is good that you stopped it and you feel better. But something is still bugging you; something that will not allow you to let it go. If you are honest with how you feel, you will make the right decision. I'm not telling you what the right decision is, though I personally agree with the consensus here.

However, if the right answer is to tell your wife, then perhaps this thread would be better titled, "How do I tell my wife and keep my marriage?" Perhaps people can give their opinions as to the best way to handle the situation so that in the end, the family is strengthened instead of torn apart. Perhaps the wives here could have useful advice. If this happened to you, how would you want your husband to come clean? What would you want him to do to make amends; to show you that he really loves you and is committed to the family?

My advice, which is only my opinion and not complete, is that it is time to find that sex appeal you had for your wife before. To find what it was about her that kept you so faithful to her before. It has been my experience that if that appeal has been lost, it wasn't a result of your spouse changing, but rather you. And it is your choice to find that kind of love again for your spouse. (I'm not speaking to you robbie specifically here.)

(But now I am.) This is a generic way of saying this, but it is time to be that perfect husband. Not the one that does everything right by other's standards, but the one that is perfect to your wife. The one she dreamed about marrying in the first place. The one that makes her feel like she is the most important person in your life. The one that when other women see how you treat your wife, they grow jealous and wish their husbands would do the same. Each woman is different in how they like to be shown love, so I can't tell you exactly what I think you should do. And absolutely women and men differ here. Men know how they want to be loved. Women know how they want to be loved. But often I see men showing love to their wives the way that the men want to be loved. I see the same to be true to women. Show your wife love the way SHE wants to be loved. Only you know what that is, and if you don't, it is time to learn. I think that is also the best way to be a father to your children as well.

I'm speaking a little in fantasy here, I know. After 10 years of marriage, I hope I will be just as crazy about my wife as I am now. I'm not there yet, so it devalues my advice a little. But do I think it is possible? Absolutely yes.