Marriage Struggle

[shellyw]

Hello everyone,

I am struggling once again with my marriage and am seeking advice. I have been married to my non-LDS husband for 8 years. We have 2 wonderfull children. When we married 8 years ago, I was not very active in the church. We had been together many years, and marriage seemed to be the next step. Once I came back to the church, I had some good conversations with my bishop and received an answer in prayer to stay with my husband. However the non-LDS aspect is one of many issues I struggle with. My H is in one word difficult. He is a good man, but our beliefs and way of looking at life is very different. He is very specific on how the house is kept. We argued much at first, but I finally conceded and keep things done his way as much as possible. However he always makes comments about clutter and how the house is dirty. It is to the point where I don't like to entertain anymore, because I am so nervous about my guests getting crumbs on the carpet and how he will tell me that I should have done a better job about not letting things like that happen. I try and calmly tell him that I am doing my best and will try and he accepts that, until the next time it happens. Another aspect I am struggling with is our friends. His best friend (and business partner) is what I would consider a party-er. When we are all together (which is pretty much all the time) they drink and are crude and like to go to trendy places I don't feel comfortable in. Our discussions about this usually lead to him telling me I need to do things with him that he likes to do. If we go see a movie (something I like to do), then we should go to a pool table hall (what he likes to do). Although I try to explain the way those places make me feel, he cannot grasp it. It is hard to be the morale leader of the family on my own. The last big issue we have is physical (as you can imagine with these other problems going on). I find myself dangerously dreaming about having the freedom of being confortable in my own place (without him) and being on my own. If you have any advice, I sure would love to hear it! Thanks!

[Jason]

Option A: Stay with him.

Option B: Leave him.

If you have kids, go with option a and get a lover.

If you don't have kids, go with option b and find a new husband.

[Josie]

Shelly,

If he is hurting you and the kids, physically and/or emotionally, get out. If he is beating you, he soon will be the kids if he isn't already. If he is doing that, I don't think it will ever change. I don't know how old your kids are, but how is all of this effecting them? You have them to think about too, and I know you are.

If you are afraid to move or do anything for fear of upsetting him, it is time to think about leaving. No man has the right to be a dictator over his family and especially to abuse them.

I suggest you figure how serious the situation is that you and the kids are in and then go have a talk with your Bishop and go from there. Don't stay until you are crushed by him though.

I am speaking from sad experience and know what it is like to be in your shoes. I stayed wayyyyyyyyy too long. Only you know what you can handle and just how bad the situation is.

Josie

[siouxz72]

Option A: Stay with him.

Option B: Leave him.

If you have kids, go with option a and get a lover.

If you don't have kids, go with option b and find a new husband.
[/b]

That was greatness, Jason! I'm still giggling about option A.

But seriously, Shelly... it sounds like you're in a real jam and I'm sorry to hear that. My advice to you would be along the lines of Jason..without the lover. The question I would have you ask yourself is if you can live with a person like him for the rest of your life? Not just are you happy...but can you REALLY live with the person that your husband is. Because he's not going to change. You've already seen that and have had to make some changes of your own to deal with it. I'm going to guess that you have kids since you said that you need to be the moral leader... think of the kids. Sometimes it really is better not to "stay together for the kids". They will actually be better off in a happy home, wether that's with your current husband or not. Above all, you should do as you've done before... take it to the Lord and let him help you though..you know He will!

[tanya]

Option A: Stay with him.

Option B: Leave him.

If you have kids, go with option a and get a lover.

If you don't have kids, go with option b and find a new husband.
[/b]

Have you prayed about this, I think we probably have all had thoughts like wanting to be on our own, you can't help if birds fly over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair. Get down on your knees and pray about it, GOOD LUCK Tanya

[pushka]

My ex husband used to have lots of time with his buddies...once or twice a week they would come to our house, then he would go to their houses, or go out with them. He discouraged me from having my friends visit, so I had few friends during our marriage. When he worked nights he used to try to get me to keep our young children quiet...the children were aged 2 and 6 at the time...it was really difficult. When I rebelled and did invite my female friends over, at the same time his male friends were over (the male friends' partners), we would be shut in the kitchen and repeatedly told off for laughing too loudly and enjoying ourselves. My ex used to spend as much time pursuing his own hobbies without me and our 2 children as he possibly could, including the weekends, his days off work and all holidays, he didn't even want to plan to go away on holiday as a family because that would mean spending some of his wage on us which would mean that he couldn't buy as many 'toys' for himself...as in Dr. Who and Star Trek memorabilia.

We separated then divorced 9 years ago. My children still see him every other week...they spend the week with him, and he has never changed...he still uses the majority of his wage for purchasing the same 'toys' as he used to when I was with him. He never gives the children any spending money, has them cooking, washing up, and making cups of tea for him, as well as doing other housework...and their friends are not welcome to visit...

If you think that your husband resembles the above, I would make plans to leave him and try to make your life with your children as happy as you can.

[prisonchaplain]

Unless there really is physical abuse, I'm wondering about the advice to leave this man. Is he threatening in his criticism? Do you feel coerced to keep the house clean "or else?" Or, in your desire to please him, has the relationship mutated into one in which he demands and you submit?

It might be that some marriage counseling--perhaps beginning with you alone is in order. Choose someone sensitive to your faith, but able to work with a mixed faith couple in a way that brings strength and healing.

On the other hand, if there is physical abuse--get thee and thine children out--of course.

[Alaskagain]

As PC stated, if there is immediate danger to you or your children, Leave at once!

If there is not, I advise caution. Divorce is a very hard road. Spend some time reflecting on your wedding day and the feelings you had for your husband then. What has changed? I'm sure both of you have changed over the years, but is it really too late to recover the love you once had for him?

Hello everyone,

I am struggling once again with my marriage and am seeking advice. I have been married to my non-LDS husband for 8 years. We have 2 wonderfull children. When we married 8 years ago, I was not very active in the church. We had been together many years, and marriage seemed to be the next step. Once I came back to the church, I had some good conversations with my bishop and received an answer in prayer to stay with my husband. However the non-LDS aspect is one of many issues I struggle with. My H is in one word difficult. He is a good man, but our beliefs and way of looking at life is very different. He is very specific on how the house is kept. We argued much at first, but I finally conceded and keep things done his way as much as possible. However he always makes comments about clutter and how the house is dirty. It is to the point where I don't like to entertain anymore, because I am so nervous about my guests getting crumbs on the carpet and how he will tell me that I should have done a better job about not letting things like that happen. I try and calmly tell him that I am doing my best and will try and he accepts that, until the next time it happens. Another aspect I am struggling with is our friends. His best friend (and business partner) is what I would consider a party-er. When we are all together (which is pretty much all the time) they drink and are crude and like to go to trendy places I don't feel comfortable in. Our discussions about this usually lead to him telling me I need to do things with him that he likes to do. If we go see a movie (something I like to do), then we should go to a pool table hall (what he likes to do). Although I try to explain the way those places make me feel, he cannot grasp it. It is hard to be the morale leader of the family on my own. The last big issue we have is physical (as you can imagine with these other problems going on). I find myself dangerously dreaming about having the freedom of being confortable in my own place (without him) and being on my own. If you have any advice, I sure would love to hear it! Thanks!

[/b]

Word of advice...the grass isn't always greener...I had those same thoughts and I ended up leaving my husband and let me tell you...it was HARD to start over as a single mother!! I am not sure what I would do if I could change the past...I had a ROUGH first couple of years...but now I have settled into my new life as a single mom and I am glad that I left him...Don't know as I could ever do that again...it is a tough choice...

You said that after speaking with the Bishop that you felt like you should stay with her husband.
Trust in that counsel.
Talk to your Bishop again. Read your scriptures (they have answers within them). Pray about it.

I have a ton of questions for you, which you do NOT have to answer here, but they are something for you to think about. Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to.

Have you talked to your husband about why he's so concerned about cleanliness?
Is he being Monkish (like the character on Monk who's obsessive compulsive)?
Or, do you really have issues with keeping the house clean (it's okay if you do)?

When you decided to return to church did you talk to your husband about it first? It could be that he didn't think you'd return to church so maybe feels betrayed and this is his way of taking some of that hurt out on you?

Have you talked about how you are going to raise your kids? And what religion you will raise them? What religion is your husband? What are your common beliefs?

Is there anything else going on his life, at home, at work, with the kids, etc that could be making him more aggravated?

Are you a stay at home Mom or do you work?
Have you been overly stressed lately?

When was the last time you went out on a FUN date with your husband? Or do anything fun with him, like play a game, watch a movie, cuddle. Is there some sort of activity that you BOTH enjoy doing?

When was the last time you were intimate with him?

Do these places have strippers or dancers? If not, is it possible for him to compromise? You go to the pool hall, but that he only has one beer?

Are you, or your children, in any immediate danger?

Have you thought about going to a family counselor (and probably non mormon since that might scare him off)?