Extended Family Members

[StrawberryFields]

I have been thinking a great deal about this topic and what would happen "historically" if someone was to talk completely away from extended family because of years of pain caused over many years. Yes, there were some good years where there wasn't a problem that I could see when I was younger. I did witness pain through my mother, who is now gone, but I didn't fully understand it like I do now. My children have grown up with holiday traditions which involve part of this part of the family which I am talking about. I have told them that I am continuing these only until my father who is terminally ill is gone but I have told them that I don't have a problem with them still attending if they wish once I break ties.

These people are my aunts, uncles and cousins on one side of my family and are distant relatives to my children.

I know this is a personal topic but I am sure I am not the first person to do this. Has anyone else done this with positive or negative results?

[rosie321]

I have been thinking a great deal about this topic and what would happen "historically" if someone was to talk completely away from extended family because of years of pain caused over many years. Yes, there were some good years where there wasn't a problem that I could see when I was younger. I did witness pain through my mother, who is now gone, but I didn't fully understand it like I do now. My children have grown up with holiday traditions which involve part of this part of the family which I am talking about. I have told them that I am continuing these only until my father who is terminally ill is gone but I have told them that I don't have a problem with them still attending if they wish once I break ties.

These people are my aunts, uncles and cousins on one side of my family and are distant relatives to my children.

I know this is a personal topic but I am sure I am not the first person to do this. Has anyone else done this with positive or negative results?
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Some thoughts and questions that come to mind:

Break ties, walk completely away seem like strong words (that might be needed). Might those words be a problem? Completely away just seems so final. It's almost as though you are looking for an excuse to not have to deal with them? As a christian can we ever or should we ever just walk away?

My experience in this type of situation has been those in which people just stop talking to or dealing with one another but don't give any warning as to why they are not dealing with another. Or there's the blitz attacks and everyone goes running off afterward to lick their wounds and prepare for the next battle.

Then there are hurts that never are addressed and then all of a sudden people declare I have enough of the pain. They expect the other person to know and understand that what they are doing is wrong. But do they? How can they if they do not know or fully understand the consequences of their actions? Even Christ on the cross begged his father to forgive those who killed him for they did not know what they did. Christ implores us all to go out and seek the 1 lost sheep. He places great worth on all his children.

Maybe there is something about getting in there and defending yourself and the truths you hold dear? Stand true to sacred things. Help your family members understand the pain they have caused and encourage them to repentence. Pray for them. From my experience few actually get in there and fight for righteousness then wonder why evil is taking over.

Taking drastic measures could potentially destroy the good that could come from the situation. As Christians don't we seek to further good things?

Not knowing the details of your particular situation, or your past encounters might I suggest maybe taking a break from your family rather then the forever break? From your past posts, you have a lot of burdens on your life right now and are pulled in a lot of directions. Its no wonder why this would be up for consideration. A person can only take so much. Maybe just spend time with your immediate family this year and take a break from the rest of your family to renew your spirit? You have been through so much. Take the time to renew the spirit within you. You might need that. Dealing with your family might not be a good idea at the moment as they might pull you down. Building up the spirit in your life is a more positive picture then walking completely away, IMO

There are times where you might just have to walk away but I think too many people are walking away from good opportunities for growth and learning. Pray for the wisdom

[Gabelma]

this is difficult - I have been on both sides my Mums family disowned me and Mum when she moved in with another woman. But I know my husband wants to cut off contact with his sister when his Mom dies or isn;t bothered about keeping it alive.

I honestly don't know what I will say is my life is rich without them but I do wonder what they are doing and miss them

-Charley

[john doe]

I think it depends on what the relatives are doing that you find hurtful. Are they engaging in criminal activity? Are they being physically, mentally or verbally violent to each other? Are they just pathetic, rotten human beings? If they are any of those, I think you have an obligation to stay away and protect your family from them.

If it is just a matter of family disagreements, you should assess how much you value their relatioships to you as compared to the pain it causes you to be around them. If you only feel a need to associate with a few of them, then only associate with those few, and stay away from the group at large or those who are hurtful to you.

I personally have, well, not really severed, but let some family relationships lapse or dry up for a time and let things heal. Sometimes time really does help heal things, especially with relatives. And sometimes, as we get older, we understand better some of the underlying problems in our extended-family relationships and can approach them in different ways than we had when we were younger. Then again, there are some people who refuse to let some things die, and they are best avoided no matter how long it's been.

[StrawberryFields]

Rosie, Where have you been I sure have missed YOU!!

Gabelma, We are both standing at those crossroads.....

When my mom passed away four years ago two of my aunts took the words of an outsider to be true and chastised me for standing my ground. I actually had words with one of my aunts about this telling her I knew what I spoke of and her life would go on merrily and mine would be shattered if I did as she wanted me too. I have stood my ground and she has been very unhappy with me. It has only been recently that the outsider has proven that I have been correct all along. I have seen a shift in the way in which they see the outsider. Not once, have they told me that they should have supported me at the difficult time in my life instead of fighting against me. Now my father's health is declining even more and again I feel in need of their support. All of my mom's immediate family members are gone. They know how badly they hurt me because I have fought with them about it. It is my opinion that they know all of this but don't care, this is the pain.

Maybe I wrote this because I know I need to do something....

I will think about what has been said and I thank you for your replies.

[StrawberryFields]

I think it depends on what the relatives are doing that you find hurtful. Are they engaging in criminal activity? Are they being physically, mentally or verbally violent to each other? Are they just pathetic, rotten human beings? If they are any of those, I think you have an obligation to stay away and protect your family from them.

If it is just a matter of family disagreements, you should assess how much you value their relatioships to you as compared to the pain it causes you to be around them. If you only feel a need to associate with a few of them, then only associate with those few, and stay away from the group at large or those who are hurtful to you.

I personally have, well, not really severed, but let some family relationships lapse or dry up for a time and let things heal. Sometimes time really does help heal things, especially with relatives. And sometimes, as we get older, we understand better some of the underlying problems in our extended-family relationships and can approach them in different ways than we had when we were younger. Then again, there are some people who refuse to let some things die, and they are best avoided no matter how long it's been.
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Thank you for this JD you too have given me somethings to consider.

[Annabelli]

When you consider breaking off relations with family, you evaluate your relationship with them or the family relationship as a whole. Often you are seeing your parents’ relatives through the eyes of a child. You bonded with them at an early age.

You observed the choices that they were making and compared it to your mother and father’s choices. Some of those people were making better or poorer decisions about their lives. But the consequences of those choices might not be apparent for 20 or 30 years.

During teenage years, you try to sort through all the family conflicts and find supportive relationships. It is though you are trying to piece together enough information to make a better life for yourself and generally to perfect your future.

If your parents are cold judgmental people, you might buy into the relative who is an alcoholic or has a drug addiction problem because they are charismatic personalities. But the warm and caring nature is artificial and you really find out that they are very abusive and brutally violent.

And it all becomes even more complicated with the people that they have chosen to marry and their relationships with their spouses’ families. It can change their aspects about their families to a harsh degree.

It is very difficult to find compassion for a relative who makes superficial comments about the trials in our lives that causes us pain. It is because they do not know you personally and attribute your ordeals to being unworthy of a perfect life.

When we think in terms of maturity, often we think of it in terms of age. Maturity is the process of dealing with trials and sacrifices. It is also how we deal with success and privileges.

Most people deal with low self esteem and it is something that everyone tries to overcome during their life time. We booster our own esteem by developing our talents and spiritual gifts.

We most commonly identify with the language that we have communicated with and make associates with those attributes. When we no longer are under the influence of those values, we are most offended by them.

It is unfair to give a comparison of one family to another because it is just an exchange of differences. How much empathy can you share for a family member who will never be satisfied without becoming disgruntle over trivial issues of the past. We all measure it into different portions.

When you put your life on hold to wait out someone in death, the years roll on. By the time that you accomplish the endurance, you have wasted most of your life and you are old too.

No one has to be in constant friction with their relatives. Just set some boundaries.