What Should I Say?

Jia · #1 (**permalink**) 11-07-2007, 05:21 PM

Hey everyone, I know it's been a while since I've been on here, and as usual I've got another problem I need help with. My husband still isn't active, and doesn't seem like he wants to be either. Says that he doesn't feel like he fits in, and he doesn't want to give up his Sundays off, or his ocassional beer.

I'm fine with letting him come back on his own time. I feel like that's all I can do right now.

My problem is that I'm embarassed about it. We're in the same ward as my inlaws and everytime I go to Church or even church is brought up, they (and everyone else in the ward) always asks where my husband is. I hate to constantly say "He's sick" cause sometimes, he's not. What am I supposed to say to these people? Especially his parents who tell me that I need to get him to go.

the_jason · #2 (**permalink**) 11-07-2007, 05:58 PM

Tell them the truth. Maybe if they don't like the answer they'll stop asking. You shouldn't have to make excuses for him.

Jia · #3 (**permalink**) 11-07-2007, 06:05 PM

True but at the same time, if I tell them he's inactive I don't want their pity, I'd like their help. I think he avoids church because he doesn't know anyone that's around our age and he feels out of place.

Alaskagain · #4 (**permalink**) 11-07-2007, 07:52 PM

Quote:

True but at the same time, if I tell them he's inactive I don't want their pity, I'd like their help. I think he avoids church because he doesn't know anyone that's around our age and he feels out of place.
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You don't have to use the word "inactive". You could just say, "He's at home today."

If it is your home teacher who is asking, you could say "I think he avoids church because he doesn't know anyone that's around our age and he feels out of place. Is there anything you can do to help?"

checkerboy · #5 (**permalink**) 11-07-2007, 07:56 PM

I have to agree with the Jason, (this is getting scary) but the truth is the best. If you don't want them to pity you say my husband has made the decision not to come to church right now. If they ask if there is anything that they can do to help simply tell them to pray for him. But be honest. You don't have to go into detail about why he stays home. But maybe this will motivate him as well if he knows that you aren't going to cover for him any more.

I have to say that I don't feel at home in my ward either. I have been there three years and I don't have any friends there. There are guys my age, but we don't have anything in common. So I go and listen and politely say "How are you" and "Gee that tie is nice," the usual and then leave feeling more enlightened by the spirit that I have felt.
Do I wish that I had friends there, you bet. But just because I don't doesn't mean that I won't still go.
Hope that helps.

Gabelma · #6 (**permalink**) 11-08-2007, 08:21 AM

I'm going to agree with Jason be honest - if people ask start saying what he says to you, And maybe he should phone and tell his parents himself

-Charley

siouxz72 · #7 (**permalink**) 11-08-2007, 08:48 AM

I'm going to have to agree with Jason, Checker and Ma.... be honest. His choice is to not attend church right now. Hopefully, they will ask if they can help and you can let them know what they can do to help fellowship your husband so he feels comfortable in your ward again.

To be honest, my husband goes through periods where he doesn't feel like he needs to be at church, either, for whatever reason. (there are myriads of reasons...lol) I just have to say "he's at home" when people ask. If they want more info than that I let them know he decided to stay home that day "just because". I never make excuses for him. (does that make me a bad person?)

Good luck!

prisonchaplain · #8 (**permalink**) 11-08-2007, 12:30 PM

I'm struck by the idea that his parents think the wife should make him go. WOW! Maybe you should let them know that he is currently exercising his agency, and is choosing not to go. If they pressure you, you might smile and say that you certainly are not insisting that he not come. :-)

the_jason · #9 (**permalink**) 11-08-2007, 12:55 PM

Unfortunately, some people think less of one spouse for the actions of the other. I'm sure she didn't choose to marry someone who is less active. The choice to not attend is his, and his alone. The faithful spouse can still receive every blessing of the gospel, regardless if their spouse does.

Aphrodite · #10 (**permalink**) 11-08-2007, 01:01 PM

Im staggered by his parents reactions too. Do they not care about their son's happiness or agency? I agree with Prison Chaplain.

Jia, I think you are putting far too much importance on getting your husband to church. The tone of your post seems quite desperate so this must be coming across to your husband which is probably making him feel under enormous pressure. He says he likes his free Sundays and occasional beer and feels uncomfortable at church. Why would want to force him to go somewhere he doesnt feel comfortable? If he's happy then why can't you be?

Im sure you're a great person and I dont mean this nastily, but your motives for wanting him to go to church seem a little selfish. You say you're embarrassed which says to me you're more worried about what the members think of you than your husbands choices. Who cares what the members think? What matters is you and your husband.

You say you're happy for him to come back in his own time. What if he never comes back? You have to be realistic. Will you be living anxiously waiting for him to come back to church his whole life? This might be the situation forever. You need to get on and be happy. Throw yourself into church if thats what you want, dont wait for your husband. Good luck to you.

Aphrodite