Forgiving

[checkerboy]

Ok my question is How do you know when you have forgiven someone?

I know we often hear it asked how do you know when you've been forgiven, but I am having a hard time with forgiving someone. I try not to be bitter and I pray every day that I can forgive but what steps have you all taken when you have had to forgive someone and how did you know that you had.
Obviously having them accept your forgiveness isn't necessarily required to forgive but what things have you done to know that you could move on with your life knowing that you had done what was required of you?

Any help will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

[Elphaba]

Ok my question is How do you know when you have forgiven someone?

I know we often hear it asked how do you know when you've been forgiven, but I am having a hard time with forgiving someone. I try not to be bitter and I pray every day that I can forgive but what steps have you all taken when you have had to forgive someone and how did you know that you had.
Obviously having them accept your forgiveness isn't necessarily required to forgive but what things have you done to know that you could move on with your life knowing that you had done what was required of you?

Any help will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks[/b]

Excellent question. I'm interested in the answers as well.

Elphaba

[Acez]

Ok my question is How do you know when you have forgiven someone?

I know we often hear it asked how do you know when you've been forgiven, but I am having a hard time with forgiving someone. I try not to be bitter and I pray every day that I can forgive but what steps have you all taken when you have had to forgive someone and how did you know that you had.
Obviously having them accept your forgiveness isn't necessarily required to forgive but what things have you done to know that you could move on with your life knowing that you had done what was required of you?

Any help will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
[/b]

I think the best example of the forgiveness process is best described in the talk that President James E. Faust gave at General Conference and can be read in May 2007 Ensign entitled, The Healing Power of Forgiveness. It illustrates the power of Forgiveness through the example of the Amish people. A powerful talk given by President Faust.

On a more opinionated note, I know that it is easier to forgive someone else than yourself. We each are our own worst Critic as they say. But to forgive someone gives you peace of mind and clarity, while with bitterness and anger, it ensnares and poisons you. Not to mention the advice that the Saviour gave us in that, I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. - Doctrine and Covenants 64:10 and the other various scriptural support.

I really hope that my words may help you in some way Checker. Best of luck to you

Acez

[Lonasunde]

I think you just have to move past it. Sort of realize it's insignificance.
Maybe he hurt you. Maybe it hurt bad. But eventually You Die.
What then? Will you have spent your life bitter about this?
Don't you think you could have done much more interesting things with your time?
I don't know if I'm putting it well, but I think you just need to look at it from another point of view. Put yourself in their shoes. Or better yet, your saviors. Whether you like it or not, that person is your brother, another child of God. Your Savior loves them too.
You've made mistakes, so have they. God loves you both equally.
Maybe you should look at the act as a little tumble that person had on the road back home. But now they've pulled themselves back up and are continuing to walk.
Can you respect that?

[Alaskagain]

Ok my question is How do you know when you have forgiven someone?

I know we often hear it asked how do you know when you've been forgiven, but I am having a hard time with forgiving someone. I try not to be bitter and I pray every day that I can forgive but what steps have you all taken when you have had to forgive someone and how did you know that you had.
Obviously having them accept your forgiveness isn't necessarily required to forgive but what things have you done to know that you could move on with your life knowing that you had done what was required of you?

Any help will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
[/b]

I know that I have forgiven someone when I can think of or see that person without having even a bristle of resentment or umbrage; or when I hear that something bad has happened to them (i.e. their car broke down, they are having money problems - not something SERIOUSLY life-threatening!) and I don't think "hmm, serves them right!" or "what goes around comes around") but instead ask myself "What can I do to help?" and then do it.

Forgiveness is a process, like anything else. You obviously have to identify what the offense was, and why you are having a hard time forgiving the offender. What is it they are not doing that would help them make it up to you? Sometimes there is nothing they can do to make it up. How are you looking at them that is keeping you from forgiving them?

Prayer is a big part. Ask for help in getting over your feelings of anger or betrayal. Ask for help in seeing the other person as a needy child of God, just as you are. Ask for help for the other person to be able to grow spiritually because of the situation, as well as yourself. Temple attendance also helps put things into perspective.

I personally have had a hard time forgiving some people for serious offenses, particularly when harm is inflicted upon or threatened upon my children. Mother's instincts come all out at that point! But such things occur, and mostly by accident. I struggle and feel anger, and once I have my emotions in check - which may take some time - I try to manage a face-to-face conversation with whoever is the offender, and sometimes I have even first asked their forgiveness of my initial reactions to whatever it is that happened. If I can't deal with the situation, I have been known to ask for a meeting with my bishop and the other person. There are times when a one-on-one conversation or a meeting with the bishop is not possible, particularly with non-member situations.

If I can't seem to forgive someone, I have practiced forgiving them. I find some alone time, and do some invisible role-playing. I imagine them sitting in a chair across from me, and what would I say to them if I could? How angry and hurt I was? How they were a terrible human being? How could they do such a thing? I write those things down in a note; it makes them more concrete. (I shred it later, unless it is journal-worthy.) Then I say out loud "Person, I forgive you for doing this to me." It is amazing how just verbalizing can help lift the burden, even if no one else is there to hear - hearing yourself say those words is powerful. It usually is not an instant solution, but a step towards where you want to be. Eventually, the true feelings of peace come that define genuine forgiveness.

I hope some of my rambling helps. You are heading in the right direction, Checkerboy; hang in there.

[Gabelma]

for me its when Christ is the focus of your life and you know that the Lord will look after you and take care of the situation it becomes no longer your concern. When even if you won't be bosom buddies with a person you would still at least pray for them to havea good life, or pray that they will get over their problems or have heart softened and no longer look at them in anger. When you don't think about what they did unless something reminds you


-Charley

[siouxz72]

Hi Checkerboy!

Here are my two cents on forgiving someone else. Just do it. The only person that you're harming by not forgiving her for what she has done is YOU. You can't change the facts of what has happened and how your life has changed because of it. If you walk around with bitterness and anger for her it doesn't affect her. She's fine. (well, maybe not fine...but you know what I mean) The best thing that you can do for you is to forgive her. It will make everything that you have to do easier. It will make seeing her easier, talking to her easier...all that. Because, honestly once you've forgiven her, she won't have as big of a hold on you as she does now. There won't be that bitterness in your heart and mind when it comes to her and that will make you feel so much better. It is a choice that you need to make. Think of the Saviour and what he would do. He would have compassion and empathy for someone like her, you know that. Let the anger go. You can't change what happened. You can look forward to what YOU can do to make the best life possible for you and your boys. They are so lucky to have a dad like you because you do want to make it better. You want to make it all better and that says so much about the man that you are. ( i happen to think you're awesome and then some! but i am a little biased since you are one of my favorite people ) anywhoo...sorry about the long ramble. basically, my advice is this... forgiveness is a choice you make. let the anger go. every day it will get a little easier. I promise. oh! I really like Alaskagain's thought of writing it all out and then saying out loud "x, i forgive you for all this" and then shredding it. That would be very healing. maybe you should try it.

love you buddy!! you're doing good! don't ever forget that!

-siouxz

[Canuck Mormon]

Hi Checkerboy!

Here are my two cents on forgiving someone else. Just do it. The only person that you're harming by not forgiving her for what she has done is YOU. You can't change the facts of what has happened and how your life has changed because of it. If you walk around with bitterness and anger for her it doesn't affect her. She's fine. (well, maybe not fine...but you know what I mean) The best thing that you can do for you is to forgive her. It will make everything that you have to do easier. It will make seeing her easier, talking to her easier...all that. Because, honestly once you've forgiven her, she won't have as big of a hold on you as she does now. There won't be that bitterness in your heart and mind when it comes to her and that will make you feel so much better. It is a choice that you need to make. Think of the Saviour and what he would do. He would have compassion and empathy for someone like her, you know that. Let the anger go. You can't change what happened. You can look forward to what YOU can do to make the best life possible for you and your boys. They are so lucky to have a dad like you because you do want to make it better. You want to make it all better and that says so much about the man that you are. ( i happen to think you're awesome and then some! but i am a little biased since you are one of my favorite people ) anywhoo...sorry about the long ramble. basically, my advice is this... forgiveness is a choice you make. let the anger go. every day it will get a little easier. I promise. oh! I really like Alaskagain's thought of writing it all out and then saying out loud "x, i forgive you for all this" and then shredding it. That would be very healing. maybe you should try it.

love you buddy!! you're doing good! don't ever forget that!

-siouxz
[/b]

I agree with everything sioux72 said. I would also add that, to forgive doesn't mean we need to be friends with this person. I went through a similar process a few years ago. It took me a long time to forgive my ex-wife. I was finaly able to forgive her, and we can have a civilized conversation, but we are NOT friends. Here's hoping that you can forgive and move on with YOUR life. Once I did, I found my eternal companion, and have never been happier. Good luck to you.

[prisonchaplain]

Some things about forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness is not endorsement. YOu are not approving of the sin when you forgive.

2. Forgiveness is not forgetting. If someone has cheated you financially, you certainly are not obligated to go back into business with them again.

3. Forgiveness is not trust. You might forgive the alcoholic, but you won't go out drinking with him/her. You might forgive the abuser, but may not move back in. You may forgive the adulterer, but still divorce (I'm not sure of LDS doctrine on this point--I understand unfaithfulness to be an exception by which divorce is allowed).

So, what is forgiveness? It's giving the offense and the bitterness over to God. If the sinner is unrepentent, vengence becomes God's, not yours. If repentence comes, you've had a part in the reconciliation.

[the_jason]

I heard from someone that you've truly forgiven someone when you no longer wish them ill. I don't believe you have to fully trust someone to forgive them. Someone who molests, for example, should not be left alone with children; however, we can still forgive that person and help them to repent. We can love them as we would anyone else.

PC probably said it better than I did though, so just go with his answer.