Follow-up on inactive spouse....

[Sister_M]

Hi Everyone-
I wrote some more concerning my husband and my further questions/concerns under my original thread. I thought I'd repost it here since I said I'd start a new thread with my futher thoughts. Sorry if I'm sounding like a broken record!! If anyone has any further advice I'd love to hear from you. Here goes:



I finally have a few more minutes to write. I have still been struggling with all of this, especially over the weekend as I had to hear more from my husband about how he "isn't Mormon" (although when I asked him why he doesn't resign he simply rolled his eyes).

I later just came out and asked him if he eventually would tire of me if I stayed active and wanted to make sure the children were active. He acted surprised that I didn't know him better and said he would never tell me what to do or believe. I have been worried that in time he will want to leave to find a woman who shares his newfound way of thinking if he never does come back to church.

I do feel it will cause some confusion amongst the children but I'm hoping my example will sustain them through this....not that I'm perfect but I have tried to instill a real testimony in them from an early age. Our firstborn is 7 and wants to get baptized already. She said to her dad on Sunday, "Look Dad, do you want to learn about God or do you just want to shoot your guns and have fun?"! My husband is ex-military so that's why the gun question came into play.

Anyway, what he said to us, or me, in particular, is that church right now is a chore to him. He is overworked and very stressed out in general, and church in his mind is another thing on top of it. Personally I feel that he's using the drinking thing also as a relaxant (he would disagree and say since he grew up drinking from an early age in England it's just "part of his culture which he is choosing to enjoy at the moment"). I don't know when or if he will ever come back to the church because I've been waiting for 5 years for him to start going again, only to have him tell me he has no intention to do so.

I know enduring to the end is ideal and it's what I strive for but I just worry that I won't know how to best help him, or if I can at all since he's asked me to pretty much not talk to him about. Hopefully we will both have long lives ahead of us so he has time to realize that the things of the world will not solve his problems and maybe then he will find a renewed sense of belief and purpose in the church.

My best friend (also LDS, her dad is a bishop) was saying to me that I could marry someone else after this life in the world to come if my husband decides to never live his covenants again. I had never heard this before. Is what she says true? I didn't think women could have more than one husband, in this world or the one to come. So that is one of my other doctorine related questions. I mean seriously it's the furthest thought from my mind but I just had never heard this idea before so am wondering where she heard this.

Also back to enduring to the end idea and to my 2nd doctorine related question/concern....what if something happens and he were to get in a car accident or other accident and were to pass away? I mean it could be that he fully intends to return to church when he's ready but what if something happens to him before then? He won't get any second chances to right his wrongs in the life to come, correct? I mean it's not like those outside of the church who die, then have their temple work done for them and they can accept it on the other side and then be exalted? For those of us already in the church we just get one chance, in this life. I guess I wish I could stress that to him, without being naggy or preachy (since that isn't my cup of tea to be a nag anyway).

I guess lastly but not least is that I can't help but feel somewhat torn in two.....like the scripture that talks about not being able to serve two masters (I can't remember it off the top of my head from my high school seminary days). Will God really forgive me for standing by and staying married to someone who won't even acknowledge Him (God) at times? I just worry that I'm letting the Lord down since I cannot inspire my husband to want to be righteous. I know my husband's mind and free agency are his own and I don't want to control him, but I just don't understand how someone like him can go from being so strong to feeling nothing and not caring how it affects our family's eternity. I grew up so unconventionally in the church (another long story) and a temple marriage and my testimony, etc was something that I faught for tooth and nail. I feel like I worked so hard for nothing...but guess that's a story for another time.

Well, thanks again for listening. I hope I haven't bothered you all too much!
Take care.

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Last edited by Sister_M : 02-26-2008 at 09:08 PM.

[Stampede]

Hello Sister M.


I am very sad for you because of your husband.

But i must tell you, If he is backing out because of what seems to be silly reasons, then he must not have had a personal testimony. Do not worry about your husband so much, worry about yourself and your children. Do encourage him to come to church, do encourage him to stop drinking and such. But most importantly, make sure your family kneels down together EVERY night to pray. and together for family scripture study, It is extremely important to do that always.

Pray for him. encourage him in all that he does that is in line with gospel principals. If he starts to endanger your family's well being or try to prevent you or your children from going to church, Talk to your bishop for guidance and counsel.

you deserve an eternal family. Fast and pray, ask for guidance from the Lord in all that you do, and bring that to your bishop. there are no "set rules" when it comes to people's eternal lives. "Work out your own Salvation" it's all between you and the Lord.

some people can be encouraged into doing things, other need a shock. it depends on the person but i know the Liordf loves you and cares for you and will do everything he can to help you if you let him.

Sister M"

It is really quite painful to read your post and sense your pain and anxiety in regards to the future of your family. This is, no doubt, quite a test and challenge for you but rest assure you will overcome.

As of this point your husband has not implied that he will leave you and your children. Difficult as it may be for you that he is not living the covenant, I am grateful that the family unit has remained more or less intact to this point. What would the Savior do in a case like this? Would he curse your husband out and drop on his head lightening and thunderings and talk about hell and death? Or would he be patient? Would he serve your husband even when there is no reason since he is the cause of so much grief and pain?

I know you still love your husband. I suspect he also loves you and the children. He had succumbed to the enticing of the enemy and is following the wrong advise on how to deal with stress and frustration. Do not push him away, do not chastise him, do not remind him how low he may be falling and how he makes you suffer. It seldom has the expected reaction. But serve him. Do not allow yourself to be abused, but remember that this is the same guy that a few years ago you were madly in love with and the father of your children. He happens to be doing stuff right now that is less than honorable. He is being, right now, less than himself and much less than he can be.

Do not burden yourself with eternal questions at this junction. There is plenty of time for that. You will be better served by counseling with your Bishop and sticking to the basics: strengthen your faith in God thru the Gospel, care for your husband, your children and your sanity; in that order. Try to remember the gifts of the spirit and try to nurture them. History is full story of them that were the "vilest of all sinners" and the Lord afforded them a new heart thru repentance. I always say: do not underestimate the power of prayer and of the spirit.

I hope the Lord will grant you the strength (quickly) to endure this test.

[JenAmber]

Dear Sister M

I've been silent so far as a member of this sight,for several different reasons.
One because I am not sure how this all works?

But I have to say that if I had to write my story in life it would sound very simular to yours,I really feel for you and know very much how frustruated you must be, I know I am.
I'm sorry your going through this but I hope it helps you to know,like it does me,that people can relate and pray for your situation.

Sorry I'm not much help but your story help me. Thank you!

[teekojames]

Dear Sister M

I've been reading ur story and i felt sad. I know how u feel coz that was like me when my hubby was in active. But through fast and prayer my husband changed. What i learned was that if u want someone to change u got to change urself. Show more love and respect to ur husband and children and never want something in return. It may take times maybe 3 - 5 yrs b4 ur husband can realised it. I pray that God will show u the way coz that what help me.

Thank you

[RachelleDrew]

I'm so sorry. I know this has to be a stressful time for you. It's not easy to have a partner who's priorities are not the same as yours. That doesn't mean that this couldn't work out, or that things can't be different in the future. You just have to have faith, you deserve an eternal family, and the Lord will provide that for you as long as you keep faithful!

You mention that you don't want to nag him, and that's good! Because I can tell you right now, that would never help the situation anyway.

The best thing you can do is live by example. Keep your standards and live them to the best of your ability. Keep attending church activities and immersing yourself in your spiritual life. Show him how happy the church makes you, basically "show him what he's missing". It's best for your children and your personal life if you continue to live your life for Christ anyway. It's a longshot, but it could also spark something in him again.

On another note DON'T pull away from your husband! He doesn't seem like he wants a separation from you, so why give him any reason to? If anything, you should give your husband more attention, he seems like he may be stressed or depressed which could explain his withdrawl from the church and recent drinking. He needs you more than ever now, so just continue to be a good partner for him.

However, I will say this. While you don't have the right to nag him about church, you have every right to ask him to quit drinking if it's something that worries you. This is something that could very easily become a problem and hurt you or your children. My parter asked me to quit smoking a while back (before I became involved with LDS) and although it wasn't easy, I happily obliged. When it comes to substance use/abuse, you have the right to put your foot down. Even if it seems innocent now, you can still ban it from the household and from your children's sight.

Please pray and fast on this matter. It will help so much.

[dakwilk]

I think that Malcom's advice is right on. Your DH knows what is right. He knows the consequences of his actions. Don't lecture him. Don't judge him. Be his example. I know that the gospel has been a bond for your marriage, but that isn't all of what your relationship is about. What are the good things he is doing now? Why do you love him?

My father isn't a member and all three of us children are active in the church. Two married in the temple and one RM (not married yet). My mother never pushed us or my father. We decided our own path. She brought us to church, but never fought us on it.

Believe me, your husband will feel the nagging by the children. They will ask why he isn't baptizing them, like their friends dad's, etc. Your DH will feel it. Be patient. Be his loving wife who champions the good things that he is doing in his life. Hold your tongue about the wrong choices or you will push him away more. (You may need to find a friend to talk to when you just feel like exploding from frustration instead of exploding on him.)

As for your doctrine based questions, I am pretty sure that you can only be sealed to another person in the next life who is worthy of Celestial glory. That means that you will find someone else, if your husband doesn't make it. But, why worry about that now? Think positively, your husband may just change his mind and make it.

As hard as it is, and believe me I know it is hard, he may be going through something. Or, he may just be tired. Let's face it, being LDS can be exhausting with 3 hours of church plus callings, HT/VT, keeping the sabbath holly, and helping those in your ward who need help.

Love your husband. Let him know that you are there when he wants to talk and that you won't judge him. He will come around, it just might take a long time. Pray, pray, pray.