Marriage Problems

[jorys22]

Hello
Ok my wife and i are both very frustrated and we continually argue over the same things. We both feel we are trying but nothing changes. I feel that I try to spend as much time with them as i can i work for the military and that unfortunately leaves her stuck in Germany Taking care of the kids without many friends to help break up her day so its the same thing every day for her. On the weekends i am worn out and tired i would rather sit in the house with them then go out doing things and she gets very upset and i feel like if i ever want to do anything i will get in trouble and she will be mad at me. I need some relax time i need some me time and she wants me to explain exactly how much i need so she can schedule the day. I try to tell her that it is different every day some times i am more stressed and need more time to just chill. I still go to the park with them multiple times a week and then the one time i say I'm just going to sit in here and relax she gets so mad and is crying and telling me that i need to prioritize things that i don't spend family time. No matter what i say she seems to only see the negative what should i do? Should i just give up being me and do everything she wants all the time? If i do that things won't last cause unhappy is unhappy. i try to get her to take her time but I'm still never good enough it seems. So please some advice would be appreciated. HELP!!!!!!!

[MorningStar]

This is hard to answer because I don't really know your situation. How many kids do you have? How old?

What do you mean by "if you want to do anything" - you mean go out with the guys?

One thing to remember is that her job is just as tiring as yours, maybe even more so. Children, especially little ones, are very draining on you physically and mentally. It sounds like life is boring for her. Does she have any hobbies?

Perhaps you could work out an agreement - a certain night or day that you get to go do whatever you want and the same for her. And being the mom of three boys, I can tell you what I need personally. My husband sometimes suggests that I go out when I am stressed, but what I really want is for him to take the kids somewhere so I have some peace and quiet - maybe time to get some stuff done in the house without someone bugging me every two seconds.

It is very frustrating when you are cooped up in the house all week with small children and then when the weekend comes and all your husband wants to do is lay around, play video games, etc., it doesn't really feel like a weekend. It's pretty much the same as usual.

Does your wife ever get to sleep in? Do you get up early with the kids to make them breakfast so she can rest?

I think the most difficult thing when children come is that you are both exhausted, you both want "me time", you both are stressed, and when you're at work, you're probably thinking how you can't wait to go home and rest while she is thinking, "I can't wait for my husband to get home so I can rest!" You have to compromise and sacrifice. You just don't get to live the same way when you have kids.

Do you two go on dates? Does she feel appreciated? Is she depressed? Do you pray together? Read the scriptures together? Go to the temple? (That is, assuming you two are LDS.)

There could be so many things going on - much more than her feeling like you don't spend enough time with the family. When you're home, are you there emotionally too? My dad was shocked to learn that we never felt like he was "there" because he would come home, sit in front of the news with his newspaper, and hardly talk to anyone at all. It hurt me that he never asked about my day and only talked to me if there was a problem of some sort. He thought that just being home was spending time with the family. I'm not saying you're doing this, but my dad seriously didn't notice he was acting this way.

A friend of mine worked out a schedule with her husband. He gets a night a week to play online games with friends, she gets a night to do what she wishes, and the rest is pretty much family time, unless there is an activity of some sort. Yes, your stress if probably worse on some days, but it sounds like she needs to know what to expect and is overwhelmed. My husband goes out the same night every week and I am able to mentally prepare for that. I don't like having it dropped on me that he is suddenly going out when I am at the end of my rope with the kids.

Well, I don't know if any of that was helpful. I hope you two can work it out.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

Hi jorys22,

Sounds like both of you want to make things work, but you're both stuck. I can recommend a book for both of you: The Five Love Languages. It'll help you do things for her that she actually wants, and help her do things for you that you actually want. It also gets you out of the habit of confessing each other's sins, and focusing on your own individual duties to love and be loved.

If you're both willing, this book will work wonders. If only one of you is willing, it still might work. Basically, you don't seem to have any problems that millions of married couples before you haven't already experienced (including mine).

Good luck!
LM

[MorningStar]

Ooh yeah, that's a good book. The way you show love is not necessarily the way your spouse feels love.

[jorys22]

Morningstar yeah i know her job is hard and i am constantly trying to get her to find a hobbie. on weekends we both get up her on sat. me on sunday. but i will have to try getting out with the kids so she can get some things done. and i am willing to try reading the book and i know my wife will also. as for kids I have a son 1 1/2 and a daughter 3 1/2 they are good kids and of course tireing i get home and i know her job is hard but she does get a chance to sit down and relax during the day where i don't, but she seems to think that hers is worse. I know mentally kids are more tireing but physically myjob is more tiring and a lot more stressful because my work is not something i love where even though kids are tough its a job of love so the stress while still there is completly different. Ty for the suggestions

[prisonchaplain]

Jory, guy to guy (I have 3 daughters, 7, 5, & 3)--we started a bit late (I'm now 44). So, while some others my age are almost empty-nesters, we're in the front of end numerous kids activities. Also, though I don't readily see it, I'm sure I have less energy now than I did in my early 20s.

Nevertheless, it really is all about the kids. I try to steal an hour or two here and there (like right now, computer time). My wife has just called for me...meaning me time is about to end.

Bottom-line: We guys have to sacrifice our need to relax and have me-time for the family. We do not have that luxury. When the exhaustion gets severe, yes, say, "Honey, I'm bone weary, and need an hour or two." But, don't abuse it. Trust me, if she's like my wife, she works 2x as hard as we do...and we do, after all, work with adults. I encourage you to lower your expectations about relaxation and me-time, and do your best to put wife and kids first.

[WillowTheWhisp]

I'm amazed that a Mum with a son 1 1/2 and a daughter 3 1/2 gets time to sit down and relax during the day. When mine were that age I certainly didn't have chance to sit down and relax from the moment they got up in the morning until they went to bed at night. It's incredibly tiring trying to keep on top of the housework and keep an eye on small children and keep them amused too. Before I had children I worked full time and had a very demanding job but it was a toddle in comparison to trying to be a housewife and mother and get all my housework done plus caring for the children when they were that age. I would be so tired both physically and mentally. Thankfully I had a very understanding husband who was more than willing to do his share with the kids. Perhaps just having you think she isn't as tired as you when she feels totally worn out makes her feel unappreciated.

You can leave work but you can never clock off when you're a housewife and Mum.

[lilered]

Let me give you some advise. "If Mommy isn't happy, then nobody is happy". It took me about 20 yrs. of marriage before I learned that simple truth. Having said that, have you tried to meet her somewhere in the middle. Example. Have one night for date nite, (get a babysitter), take her somewhere. Even a walk and an ice cream cone works. The other days of the week, work it out to where you get some time to yourself to chill, she gets some of your time for family things, and work from there.

[checkerboy]

The one thing about all this I can't stand is the "I work harder then you" routine. Whether or not either of your jobs is more stressful is irrelevant. As a father your job is to provide financially for your family, which you are doing. As a husband though you are to provide emotional support for your wife. It is her responsibility as a mother to nurture your children, which it appears she is doing as well, and as a wife to provide you with emotional support. You guys sound like you are doing knock out jobs as father and mother but look at your husband and wife relationship. You both need to realize that any "me" time needs to be severley curtailed in favor of "we" time. Yeah you still need the me time and what I am seeing is the same as I saw in my own failed marriage... that of pride rearing its ugly head. If you will give your all to your wife then I can promise that she will recepricate.

You both need to realize that you need to appreciate all that the other does for you. When your wife feels appreciated she will give you your space. And when you get your space she better know that she is appreciated. It is kinda like a Catch 22 but you can start it by giving more of yourself then you think you can or even should and watch the results. Now having said that if your wife doesn't appreciate you and still nags you then I would say it is time for some real therapy. Sadly there are people out there that can't let go of pride and always need to be the victim.

Ok enough of that sermon. I guess I was just taking some time to vent a little about my own situation, but I can see similarities in yours so I wanted to give you that advice.

[lostnfound]

Originally Posted by MorningStar

Ooh yeah, that's a good book. The way you show love is not necessarily the way your spouse feels love.

I love that book! I can't believe you guys know it exists..Wow..

okay here is another idea..
Go to a Weekend to Remember conference..google it if you want to.

They are absoutly amazing and it will rejuenate your marriage , giving you a bibical basis for your marriage, help you to learn to fight fairly, teach you how to love unconditional etc.

you get small progjects for you to work on together to help you communicate.. Trust me i just came back from one for my second time.. They are wonderful for failing marriages.