Any hope for my failing marriage?

[Kirajo]

Just one more " we already knew that, Kira" thought....
Any time you have doubts about your marriage, those thoughts aren't coming from Heavenly Father. If you dwell on thoughts like those for even one second, you've pleased Satan and he's realed you in an inch closer to him. Heavenly Father is on your side and wants you to keep trying!!

[Keks3082]

Finances: I'm not against him being in charge of it...it's actually deeper than that as it's sorta control issue such as he's done purchases behing my back with regards to credit cards which I'm against, yet he needs to know what I spend every dime on. Honestly, I consider myself a thrifty spender.

Loved the "50 Brain Do's/Don'ts", great advice everyone.

Kirajo: You're gonna be a fantastic wife and mother =)

Praying about career path: Amen! My hubby's pat. blessing mentions something about he being guided to the "right" vocation. So, since I've known him these 7+ yrs, he's been really extreme about it, sorta swimming around school b/c he never claims he's felt that "bolt of lightning" answer yet. And, 2 kids later w/ $100K+ school/living debt, indecisiveness grows weary. I'm trying to be as patient and supportive as I can, along w/ prayerful too.

Checkerboy: Amen too.

Thanks, keep em coming.

[ruthiechan]

I responded to your PM Keks, dunno if you noticed yet or not since the indicator is kinda small.

Originally Posted by checkerboy

I do have to take issue though with the advice that Heavenly Father is going to tell your husband what he needs to do. That simply isn't the case.
Read D&C 9:7:
7 Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.
Heavenly Father expects us to come up with our own solutions and then will tell us if they are right or not.

Ah yes. Thank you for clarifying. It all goes back to that primary song. Search Ponder and Pray. In that order. If God does not give you (general you) an answer then maybe you need to go back to the beginning. Sometimes you may be asking the wrong question. And sometimes you may need to ask for help in finding the answer.

[lostnfound]

Originally Posted by Keks3082

(PARDON ME, LET'S NOT SAY FAILING, BUT RATHER...TRYING MARRIAGE)
I'm new to the forums, and I'm so grateful I've found this place and look forward to lots of hope, strength, and encouragement.

My husband and I were married/sealed 6 yrs ago. We have two young children. My testimony is firm and I've always wanted to live my life right. However, reality has hit our marriage and our marriage is in its deepest pit as of now:
-He's been in school for 6 yrs of marriage and only now has started his 1st yr of medical school (which is a very long road to go still)
-Last year he was dismissed from a master's program after the 2nd yr(a hard blow to our marriage), during which we also lost thousands of dollars on our 1st purchased home. He has put blame on me for his failures which I find quite harsh.
-He's always been indecisive about his career path and still has doubts even in medical school (he has told my mom that if he didn't have his family, he would quit school - from what I understand, med. school is extremely rigorous and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can be, but I need to feel more secure he'll stick with it.)
-personal/family debt and the way he controls our money spending causes much hardships
-communication has always lacked - my husband is an introvert and he'll give me the silent treatment for days to a week at a time
-seems to have anger issues and controlling issues (I can emphasize more on that if you request) and I can't bear it anymore. It's turned me off completely, and intimacy has been lacking for years. He's a very righteous person, but often times I feel something is "wrong" when during very heated arguments, he'll bring up something from the scriptures or a G.C. talk, etc. to put me down or shut me up....is that an "ok" way to use the priesthood and counsel with your wife?

I sought counseling our 1st yr, was diagnosed with depression 2nd yr (and I am not a depressed person)and sought counseling again, and sought help from bishops and more LDS counseling recently. My emotional needs and love tank have been running on empty, and a year ago, I made a horrible mistake I absolutely do not justify - I had an affair, but I have since run away from that and taking the appropriate steps to get back to where I need to be.
My husband has always from the 1st year been hesitant to getting counseling together.

I just want our marriage to work, and I want my spouse to be my best friend that I feel I can share my feelings and opinions to without feeling he will explode because he's feeling nagged or attacked. Schooling and career indecisiveness, lack of providing for our family so to speak, not able and totally willing to work on communication issues, and me getting through the repentance process (and he still being unforgiving of that) is more than I can bear.

Our children have heard and seen too much yelling, swearing and contention from him and between us than I want and I don't want it to continue to affect them negatively.

Right now he wants out, I've felt that many times as well because I don't see how I can be happy with him for the rest of my life, particularly with his controlling actions and inability to fill my emotional needs.

The last thing I will do is turn my back to God. He has been my greatest source of strength. Any hope for my life, our family, my two precious innocent children?

With whatever hope I have left....
Thank you.

two things...1. you are correct to say medical school is hard on a marriage. I have up close and personal experience with this. I have seen many fail in this field.

2. Go to a familylife. weekend to remember conference. you can google it and check it out in the state you live. they are held all over the us. And you will be givien tools at that conference to get your marriage on the right track. It is so worth every penny there! one thing you said is your husband is unable to fill your emotional needs. The truth be known no man can fill your emotional needs only God can do that. The controlling thing..well again this is the kinda conference that can give you the tools to work through that. If he won't go with you to the conf. I suggest you go by yourself. which some do! They go to get what they need to be healthy in a marriage. you can't control anybody but yourself.

I hope that helps you. I will pray for you and that you draw closer to God during this time.

[MorningStar]

Your situation sounds really similar to my best friend. Her husband jumped from job to job and she told him he could choose any field he wanted and she would support him. He chose to be a lawyer, she supported him in every way through school, he wanted to quit when it got difficult and she encouraged him, he graduated, passed the BAR, and then he wanted to quit when it was time to apply for jobs, because he was afraid of failing. It's a long story, but when things are going awful for him and he feels like a failure, he takes it out on her, does the silent treatment, blames everything on her, and she has been wonderful with him. They went through a major rough patch, but things are much better now. Her husband refused to go to counseling because he saw it as a sign of weakness and thought it would follow him around. Personally, I think he's bipolar. He's very hot and cold and reacts differently in the same situations. When I was getting to know him, I wondered if he was the same person I met yesterday. They put off having kids for 8 years because things were so rocky. She came really close to leaving him, but her covenants are so important to her.

I can imagine medical school is extremely stressful. Does he have an outlet of some sort? If it were me, I think I would stick it out until school was over in hopes that things would improve after that. When my friend's husband put her through heck during his long unemployment, he apologized to her when things were better again, saying he was just so stressed out.

Have you received a blessing over this? That might be helpful. I"m so sorry your marriage is so hard right now. Prayers for you.

[Misshalfway]

Originally Posted by Keks3082

(PARDON ME, LET'S NOT SAY FAILING, BUT RATHER...TRYING MARRIAGE)
I'm new to the forums, and I'm so grateful I've found this place and look forward to lots of hope, strength, and encouragement.

My husband and I were married/sealed 6 yrs ago. We have two young children. My testimony is firm and I've always wanted to live my life right. However, reality has hit our marriage and our marriage is in its deepest pit as of now:
-He's been in school for 6 yrs of marriage and only now has started his 1st yr of medical school (which is a very long road to go still)
-Last year he was dismissed from a master's program after the 2nd yr(a hard blow to our marriage), during which we also lost thousands of dollars on our 1st purchased home. He has put blame on me for his failures which I find quite harsh.
-He's always been indecisive about his career path and still has doubts even in medical school (he has told my mom that if he didn't have his family, he would quit school - from what I understand, med. school is extremely rigorous and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can be, but I need to feel more secure he'll stick with it.)
-personal/family debt and the way he controls our money spending causes much hardships
-communication has always lacked - my husband is an introvert and [COLOR="rgb(139, 0, 0)"]he'll give me the silent treatment for days to a week at a time
-seems to have [COLOR="rgb(139, 0, 0)"]anger issues and controlling issues (I can emphasize more on that if you request) and I can't bear it anymore. It's turned me off completely, and intimacy has been lacking for years. He's a very righteous person, but often times I feel something is "wrong" when during very heated arguments, he'll bring up something from the scriptures or a G.C. talk, etc. to put me down or shut me up....is that an "ok" way to use the priesthood and counsel with your wife? [/COLOR] [/COLOR]

I sought counseling our 1st yr, was diagnosed with depression 2nd yr (and I am not a depressed person)and sought counseling again, and sought help from bishops and more LDS counseling recently. My emotional needs and love tank have been running on empty, and a year ago, I made a horrible mistake I absolutely do not justify - I had an affair, but I have since run away from that and taking the appropriate steps to get back to where I need to be.
My husband has always from the 1st year been hesitant to getting counseling together.

I just want our marriage to work, and I want my spouse to be my best friend that I feel I can share my feelings and opinions to without feeling [COLOR="rgb(139, 0, 0)"]he will explode because he's feeling nagged or attacked. [/COLOR] Schooling and career indecisiveness, lack of providing for our family so to speak, not able and totally willing to work on communication issues, and me getting through the repentance process ([COLOR="rgb(139, 0, 0)"]and he still being unforgiving of that) is more than I can bear.[/COLOR]

Our children have heard and seen too much [COLOR="rgb(139, 0, 0)"]yelling, swearing and contention from him and between us than I want and I don't want it to continue to affect them negatively. [/COLOR]

[COLOR="rgb(139, 0, 0)"]Right now he wants out,[/COLOR] I've felt that many times as well because I don't see how I can be happy with him for the rest of my life, particularly with his controlling actions and inability to fill my emotional needs.

The last thing I will do is turn my back to God. He has been my greatest source of strength. Any hope for my life, our family, my two precious innocent children?

With whatever hope I have left....
Thank you.

Hello. I just wanted to say that I empathize with the difficulties you are facing. It seems that the issues you are dealing with are complicated and confusing and painful.

I highlighted a few statements in you post that were red flags to me. If it were me in this situation, I would be concerned as well. Not knowing your H it is hard to comment, but from what I can tell he does have some behaviors and attitudes that are problematic. I find it interesting that he is willing to blame you for his failures and that he feels therapy would be a bashing session against him. That is really telling. He is afraid to face his failings clearly, but it is also clear that he has some recognition that he has them. The thing is that we all have failings and experience failure in our lives at one point or another. Failures do not determine worth. But sometimes we humans can get really confused about that. The control issues and anger issues also point to deeper fears and insecurities and do need to be dealt with and corrected. Money should be a shared responsibility. It would be interesting to examine his attitudes about money and manhood and perhaps his FOO. I don't like it when someone uses scriptures of spiritual superiority to win arguments. I think it is controlling and shaming and that is never good nor is it a sign of true spirituality. I think it may indicate that his attitudes about spirituality may be out of balance as well. I would assume that your decision to go outside your marriage confirmed some of those deeper fears in him. It probably also caused some deep woundedness that isn't easily overcome for anyone.

Both of you have brought pain to the table. You guys could really benefit from counseling. I think that all these issues can be dealt with. Too bad he couldn't be convinced that counseling can be a very gentle and supportive kind of experience. Yes, it requires that one must get honest, but even that process can happen in a safe and non-threatening way. The cool part about honesty is that it helps us see ourselves as we really are and that means seeing our strengths and goodness in accuracy as well.

Perhaps you guys could start by committing that you will not yell or fight when emotions are running high. Find other ways to deal with the inevitable frustrations and emotions that come to you. Know your issues and how they make you feel and how they effect your quality of life, but find calmer and more productive ways to discuss them. I think that is what therapy is about. All of us have issues. I don't know a marriage that hasn't had some kind of hardship to work thru. BUt therapy gives you tools for how to deal with those issues in constructive and loving ways. Is your H willing to do a little research and reading? Perhaps marriage self help books could help. Perhaps the two of you could pray to be led to literature that is right for you and your needs.

Beyond that, I would say to employ as much patience as you can with regards to the infidelity piece. It takes time to work thru the betrayal and deep pain that something like that causes. You don't need his forgiveness to feel peace inside. It will come when it comes. Allow that process to take the time it needs to heal. Listen to him. Allow him, if he will, to tell you how he feels about this. Don't get defensive or offended. Just let him get it out. And humble yourself to recognize that you can't control the outcomes of such a decision. But don't beat yourself up either. I think this purging is just part of the healing process. I think it helps if you can identify the process. Then the uncomfortable parts of it won't disturb you as much.

My best wishes are for you and your marriage. I think there is so much hope!! There is so much good information out there and from my own experience, I know that they Spirit works thru that knowledge. Good luck.

[KayaLove00]

I am really very sorry for the difficult times you may be experiencing in your marriage. I know marriage is not easy but it is not honored by god if it is not harmonious and in line with his teachings and the gospel. The both of you need some serious counseling if your marriage is to be succsessful, and if that doesn't work I recommend a divorce. I know children are involved and they need to be exposed to a healthy marriage, period. If things continue the way things are, your children may become depressed and have the same relationship with there spouse. Sometimes a divorce is a better option if you two want to be happy. Hope this helps.

[Kirajo]

I read " Strangling your husband is NOT an option" and one of the many many good points she put in there was "Do you expect your husband to fulfill all your emotional needs?" and are you fulfilling his?

[lostnfound]

Originally Posted by KayaLove00

I am really very sorry for the difficult times you may be experiencing in your marriage. I know marriage is not easy but it is not honored by god if it is not harmonious and in line with his teachings and the gospel. The both of you need some serious counseling if your marriage is to be succsessful, and if that doesn't work I recommend a divorce. I know children are involved and they need to be exposed to a healthy marriage, period. If things continue the way things are, your children may become depressed and have the same relationship with there spouse. Sometimes a divorce is a better option if you two want to be happy. Hope this helps.

Except God hates divorce...

[ruthiechan]

Originally Posted by lostnfound

Except God hates divorce...

Right, unless it's in cases of abuse. . .

However, if marriage counseling does not work, consider an underlining physiological brain problem. Maybe one of you has a brain where parts of it are over active or under active and thusly is sabotaging your efforts. Though, you won't know if counseling works or not unless you've tried it for a while. In the mean time you can obtain the book "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" by Dr. Daniel G. Amen. It's a fabulous book and an eye opener. I believe it may be helpful to you even without underlining physiological brain problems.

PS: Dr. Amen is the one who has the 50 brain dos and don'ts. Since you liked those I'm sure you'll enjoy the book!